I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[dominosarah]

This is the reality of addiction and for a newcomer it may just be what they need to open their eyes to what may lie ahead.  I have said a million times there is nothing glamorous about this addiction.  A newcomer will also see the outpouring of support and the geniune caring and concern for collinsplace.

As for the stories, we call them war stories here.  There are times when the methods of using are posted and that does trigger people.  Some go into great depths and visuals dance in our head.   It's okay to talk about the days gone by and the desperation we felt while using, just not how we were using.  I hope this helps~~sara

[Emily_MHManager]

Hi there -

We are leaving this up so that colinsplace66 can get the support he so desperately needs, and so he can know that others have felt what he's feeling, and pulled through it.  He's not alone.

While some may decide that staying on pills is a better option than trying to quit, we think it's important to know that you can stop using, and while it may not be easy, there is support here for the taking, and staying on pills doesn't end up anywhere good, as many members here post about daily.

If you have a question about your specific post that was removed, please send me a PM and I'll be happy to address it with you there.

Emily

[theaddict]

here's to hoping all is okay with you.

on another note, i would like to ask why this thread hasn't been removed yet. i posted on this forum about us sharing our addiction stories, so that others knew what all we'd been through...the new members. this way they didn't feel alone. and shortly after, i received an email saying that members here were uncomfortable with the post because it caused triggers for them. fair enough.

this post is directed toward suicide and ending one's life because they don't wish to get off of pills and saying that getting off the pills has ended their life. and while i adore colinspace and pray that he comes back to the forums, i'm wondering why this post/thread isn't being treated the same. if i were a new member and read this thread, i would leave the forum. not because of what one specific person has said or done, but because it would scare me away for good and make me stay on the pills.

but sharing our stories is much worse?

[lulu747]

Me too...
Colin please post and let us know you are okay...We are all here to support you no matter what.

[vicki595]

Wondering what happened here...

[theaddict]

colin, how are you?