I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[Bkitty]

Hey sweetie,, Where are you?? I know how you feel-EXACTLY. Collin this is the depression part of withdrawal talking here,,,you understand that right? This can be fixed,,,I promise. Please Please chose to get some help immediately,,,drive yourself to the ER or call 911. I  did that,,,and now looking back I ask myself why did I wait so long to do that? Its a scary scary step to get help,,I get that. Your wife is upset,,,OK we know that. Lets not worry about her right now,,,I know that is hard,,but you need to focus soley on YOU. You are at the bottom and now its time to start climbing back up. Small steps right now. As you have unfortunately come to find out stopping the pills was the easy part,,,now you have to battle the mental aspect and ignoring it will begin to take a toll-as it already has. We are all here to support you,,,We will lift you up. We are your friends,,but you have got to do your part. Dont reflect on the past,,that will only make this sooo much worse,,its time to forgive yourself Collin. We all have made mistakes as addicts,,,whats done is done,,we cant change the past but can change what is ahead of us. I know your heart aches and is broken. Im sooo sooo sorry you feel this way right now. Im broken hearted for you right now and as I type know that some girl in the midwest is praying for you right now right this minute and I will all night long. Please talk to us. Im here for you.~Bkitty

[theaddict]

right now, you're just going through anxiety and fear of things that we all went through. everyone deals with it differently. i dealt with it the same way you are right now. life is worth living. your wife and everyone in your life is worth you sticking it out, you know?

think of it this way:  how are you going to prove to your wife and yourself that things have changed if you're no longer around to show them the changes in which you've made.

i'm not getting offline until i hear from you, so please talk with us here. we are all here for you.

[bama88]

Collin please check in. We are worried. You need to keep talking please talk to us Collin. We need to hear from you asap. Let us know your ok

[theaddict]

please stay here with us. please just talk it out. even if you need another voice on the other end of the line. please talk with us here.

[ImDONENoMore]

collins I hope you are okay.  I will continue to send messages to the leaders here in the hopes they can reach you tonight

[ImDONENoMore]

colins please DON'T do this - I've left several messages with the leaders of this forum so please HANG on - nothing and I mean NOTHING is worth ending your life over.  Please don't do this