I can do this!!! Right?

[thewaz]

I'm 58.  A VP of a large company.  Woman.  I started taking Vics in 2003.  My mom was suffered from debilitating back pain.  One or two here and there. Nice high.  In 2005 she became very ill and lingered for 2 years.  I dealt with her care, my job and my home by taking a few more.  Here it is.  2012.  I've learned to manipulate the system.  Any of us abusers do.  But I made the decision to stop.  I was at about 10 750s a day.  I'm almost at the 48 hour mark.  I've been reading posts and posts on this board.  My symptoms are typical of all.  Basically I feel like a semi has driven back and forth over me 20 times.  I've been up all night.  Just took a hot shower and tried to get some sleep.  That's a negative.  I have have lots of work meeting and an event on Friday that my company is hosting.  It would be so easy to pick up the phone and get a refill.  But I refuse.  I REFUSE.  When will the worst be  over?  Tell me there's a light at the end of this horrific dark place.  You are amazingly wonderful on here.  A fabulous network of support.  Oh..this is my secret.  I'm sure many can relate.  No one knows.  My kids (in their 20s) have a big day planned for me today.  Mother's Day and all.  And I can't even speak let alone think.  Mad love to all sharing this experience with me.  Strength.  Hope. Courage.

[kyle505]

Wow...What timing. The minute I hit "enter" to post my comment, your posts pop up. I'm so glad you're still here. As far as sleep, well that's probably the last piece of the physical puzzle that will fall in to place, but, and it's a big one, the longer your clean, the easier it is to deal with lack of sleep. For me, I had stingy eyes and a great attitude for about two weeks. Great job.

[kyle505]

OK...I've been lurking in the background, reading your posts and the great advice you've been getting; and the wonderful support. But, if I'm reading this right, your last post was May 15, and today is the 18th.
How are you? No post today because of the thing at work? Please let us know how things are going. Your struggle took me back; and your progress has been spot on. At his point you should be almost over the worst part of the physical detox. Anyway, I'm looking forward to your next post.

[thewaz]

Thx ERJim..oh the event had nothing to do with using again.  I'M DONE.  7 days today.  My fear was would I be well enough to attend the event.  I kept hoping yes but today is day 3 of no sleep.  My worst symptom now.  I had to call my boss and tell him I was just to sick.  I'm like the walking dead.  Body completely fatigued.  Mind won't slow down.  I've tried Ambien, Xanax, Benedryl, Hot baths, lavender, new wavey music, candles, tea.  Negative to all of those

[thewaz]

Day 7.  Still clean.  Worst is over as far as WDs but I can't sleep.  Despite all recommended suggestions and a double dose of Ambien 3 hours ago.  So I just wrote my boss and told him I just can't do it.  Flu and all!  I'm so tired Harper.  I just want to sleep.

[ERJim]

Am have tried a couple of half-hearted times to quit. This time I am more solid, as my wife now knows, and I must kick in order to make my relationship together.

Anyway, one of the ways I used to justify continuing to use was to say, "after the holidays", "after the vacation", etc. Then of course, there was always something else to which to look forward.

Don't use an upcoming event to justify going back...stay in the game and you'll convince yourself it is worth it. I am faking it to make it, as I am not fully convinced I can do it, but I know I have a better chance now than the other times.

[HarperOC]

Hey how are you doing...are you still around? I know you said you had your big event tonight so just checking in....hope youre ok! If not though dont be afraid to post...you won't get any judgement here.

[bama88]

Please drink something. Ensure boost whatever. I know how hard it us to get anything down or swallow at this point. Me I ate yogart and a ton of instant carnation breakfast drinks as well as a smoothie. I enjoyed super cold drinks at this stage. Your almost out of the worst of it. You might turn tomorrow or thursay for sure.


Hang in there. Even if its by a thread that seems to be unraviling as we speak. This is the hard part..24-48. Hrs more. I know you can do this.

[ImDONENoMore]

I've been reading your posts and let me tell you - you are a LOT stronger than you think.  You're doing great and by sharing your experience, you are helping so many people.  Keep going - dane is right - meditation works wonders and getting some nutrition is key right now.  Go slow, go easy on yourself, and you'll get through this.  :)

[ladybug97]

Sweetie I am on day 4 of coming off of loratab 10's been on them over 10 years , my 3rd day was torture, but today I feel a little better, but I still have a long road ahead of me. Stay Strong and remember how good your life will become, I will keep you in my prayers  Renee

[HarperOC]

Hey. SO happy to see youre still fighting. I always remember that things came in waves regarding withdrawal and it was so frustrating because just when I thought I was feeling good and things were going to get better from there i'd get hit with it all over again. The good moments will still come and they will remind you why you're doing this and how worth it it is, but it is definitely a roller coaster in the first week or two, so just try and know it may come and accept it and know that with every drop there will also be a peak. I do remember around 5 days i'd start to feel really lethargic, headaches, no energy, weak, depressed, frustrated, irritated, etc. and a lot of it had to do with not eating. I could NOT eat a thing the first few weeks and like you I had zero energy to go to the store to get anything. Driving seemed impossible. Even getting off the couch to get to the car seemed impossible lol. If you have a friend or family member maybe one of your kids that could bring you something that would probably help. You could tell them youre sick....I found that smoothies with protein powder were the thing that helped the most (jamba juice). They were sweet and cold and I could get them down and the protein did wonders for me. Maybe try that? Anyways really glad to see youre still trying and have a good attitude towards it. Youre getting through the worst....soon it will be over!!

[Dane74]

meditation  is GREAT, and it helped me a ton!  You are doing great and make sure you eat/ensure whatever you can get in your body, you need it for nourishment as well as your brain.  I also did yoga, that helped too, but when i meditated that was the only time i was able to sit still.  It will get better i promise you that.  FYI, i was in the shower 3-5 times a day for the first week, that was my best relief for sitting still, and i also did allot of walking in the fresh air.  Your attitude is great and i am so proud of you for canceling that RX.  Cover all your temptations this way you can not set yourself for failure. remember you are stronger than that "evil face" don't let him defeat you!  

[thewaz]

I have ensure boost and bananas being delivered any moment. Dry isn't doin' it for me.  Gag.  I just can't even fathom chewing.  But I KNOW I need to nourish myself.  When I think of everything that has exited my body in the last 4 days... no wonder I'm so freaking weak.

So here's the plan.   We'll see.  As I said I'm at my worst now since this journey started.  Dark and deep.  I'll down an Ensure.  And eat a banana.  Despite being shriveled to the max and my water bill nearing the thousands, I'm sure, I plan another hot bath with epsom salts and my lavender post nutrition.  Then I'm going to TRY to lie still an meditate.  I don't think sleep is possible but maybe I'll doze.  So weary.  So weak.  This is all that holds me strong.  You Dane.  Vicki  who made me go get my Ensure.  All of you. Holding me.  I can feel it. And I love each and every one of you.  I'm gonna be blabbing all day because I'm at my weakest point. Thank GOD you told me to cancel those RX.  How close I came about two hours ago but they are not to be had.  So instead of giving in to that evil face my therapist put to my addiction,  I choose to be the stronger of us two.

[Dane74]

Hang in there, but you must eat something, try something dry, i actually ate bananas, and it helped with the trots as well as keeping my tummy full.  3pm is around the corner and you are almost over the hump, just keep on fighting, hop on that treadmill and then hit the shower:)

[vicki595]

You need nutrition, as i said on your other thread...

Get someone to go to the store for you or call a pharmacy and have it delivered to you...you need it for your brain to function....

[thewaz]

I want to be you.  Free.  at 3 pm today will be 4 days.  The last two hours have been the worst of the recovery from some reason.  I just can't keep anything down.  Drinking lots of fluids.  So much pain right now.  I can't stay still.  5 minutes max.  No attention span.  No ability to concentrate.  This is murderous

[thewaz]

Hard HARD patch right now guys.  Worst I've felt yet.  Tried to eat some toast and tea.  That's a negative. Many of you have suggested power drinks with protein.  If only I had the strength to get in the freaking car and do that.  This is the worst it's been. And I was almost euphoric this morning.  I've been sitting in the sun which feels so good but I can't stay still ANY freaking place for more than 5 minutes at a time.  I have no level of concentration.  I even tried to play a mindless game online to pass some time and that took too much brain energy.  OMG this is murderous.  Worst yet.

[littlebit667]

Sorry, I was not quicker with that info.  A friend on the board here...mentioned it awhile back.  A light massage is fine, just not the deep ones.  Try a malt or shake for some nourishment.  Add some Epsom salts to the bath about 2 cups. The magnesium in it helps a lot.  One long term member says to try the  whey protein drinks they help with recovery as well. I think he says to try Walmart and use milk.  Kava Stress tea is also another thought.  He really feels it helps..double bag it and add honey.  You will have up and down days for awhile.  Your brain is pissed and does not want to work and will give it another try to make you miserable and go back on the pills so it can take a rest.  Do not let the bugger win.  I visualized a brain and I would throw darts at it!  LOL...may not work for some but it helped me!

[Pat1956100]

Have you tried crackers or even get some Ensure drinks or protein shakes.  You need to eat something for energy.  I know it's hard but I find the drinks the easiest and I am eating so many crackers they are going to change my name to Polly.  Groan, lol.

[thewaz]

Well what you said about the massage, I've learned, was right.  Although it seemed like a good idea at the time and sure felt great...OMG.  I talked to a good friend who is a skilled masseuse out-of-state and she said the first thing she asks all her clients is if they're feeling sick or anything is wrong.  She will not do the wrap (as I had done) or the detox bath (as I had done) or the one hour massage.  Guess I screwed up there.  Within an hour of it being over I felt AWFUL.  I just put it off to the WDs but apparently I contributed.  No massages people!

[thewaz]

It's Tuesday morning.  5:30 am.  And I've managed to accomplish 86 hours free.  By late afternoon I will have gone 4 full days.  I'm so proud of me.  I've listened to all your advice which is one of the main things keeping me strong.  Please don't go away.  Although I believe I am over the worst.  I feel empowered.  As I've mentioned before I've never gone longer than 12 hours.  In those 12 hours I was determined to do it (about 20 times) but took one to help the  WDs, then two then back to the same ugly routine.

Yesterday was positive for me.  I still had that semi-truck having a field day with me going down, but I never got in my bed until night.  I spent a lot of time outside. Fresh air and sunshine.  I tried to work in my gardens.  Pick two weeds.  Sit.  Pick four weeds.  Sit.  As I mentioned I got on the treadmill for 15 minutes.  In a few I'm going to try for 20.  Still cleanest girl in town.  Baths are my salvation.  I use a mixture of sea salts and lavender.  Lovely.  I turned my bedroom into a soothing place last night.  Low lighting. Was afraid to light candles.  But kept everything soft.  I downloaded an app that is sleepy time sounds like waves and rain.  And I slept.  Not straight through but I managed to stay in bed until 3 am.  From about 9 pm.  Also helpful was a late visit to my therapist/hypnotist.  For those of you at the same point as me in this journey, this,next to this board, are the two best choices I've made for support through this recovery.

Not everyone is right for hypnosis and I already have a 6-month relationship with Magic Mary, as I love to call her.  Because she brings me magic.  If you are spiritual (I am) we focused on spiritual support in my session  yesterday.  I was so calm when I left.

I know this is far from over.  But I believe when I woke this morning a major hurdle had been passed.  I'm actually doing laundry.  My only problem is I have absolutely NO desire to eat.  I'm taking vitamins, drinking tons of good stuff including juices but the thought of putting anything in my mouth other than liquids sends me directly into the dry heaves.  I know my body won't really heal without nourishment so I'm trying to figure out what that should be.  I think I may start with ice cream.  My weakness and I think the cold may help me.  We'll see.

Again, my love and blessings to all of your surrounding me with your love and support.  I couldn't have gotten this far without you.  xoxoxo

[Dane74]

you are doing it!!!!!  i also went  to a  hypnotist  when i was detoxing i just loved it.  You are doing great and so glad to hear you are going out and doing things good for you.  don't take anymore of that 5 hour energy drink and lay low on the caffeine it can make you very anxious as it did for me and so did the ltryosine.  keep up the good work

[littlebit667]

Awesome for you!  Be careful about the ltryosine.  I had to cut back it made me too anxious.  Do not get a DEEP muscle massage...have been told that it releases too many toxins and will make you very uncomfortable.  The only way I could do it was one hour at a time for the first week.  After that it got a bit easier..not wonderful, but easier.  Getting out and about that second week helped me so much.  Good luck on Friday..hopefully, you will be able to handle it and then rest for the weekend!

[thewaz]

73 hours!  3 days, 1 hour.  Just sayin! So proud of me.  Off to my hypnotist who is also my life saver

[IwillDoThis]

thewaz - just wanted to jump in and give you some support.  Won't rehash my story but I'm a professional woman just like you and I am over 100 days free of opiates - YOU can do this.  All of the above advice is what I would tell you.  This board was my saving grace and gave me so much support and wisdom so I'm glad you found it.  You sound a lot like me.  I am very goal oriented and staying clean is my top goal that I meet every day now.  Keep moving ahead lady!