I cant believe i did this!

[troubleinohio]

well I ended up doing the most extreme measure today in order to fight my battle... I am on day 18 (?) thereabouts and been struggling very much with pain, depression, prolonged diarrhea, cravings, ZERO energy etc and felt myself weakening. My thoughts were starting to wander into that danger zone that would lead to yet another relapse...so with unbelievably SHAKY hands, I dialed the pharmacy and CANCELLED MY REFILL!   omg i have ever done thsi in the past and it was the hardest thing ever to do! My addiction was screaming at me in my head, YELLING AT ME, saying stuff like "wait, what if your back goes out totally, or you get another one of those absessed horrific toothaches or need a tooth pulled..."    I made myself go back and think... years ago before I ever used anything, i remember many a night sitting up with no sleep with the worst toothache EVER, i mean really bad where you want to just hit yourself over the head with a hammer to go unconscious so you dont have to feel it anymore...and I remember all those times like that where i took nothing but a motrin and regular tylenol for it.  It didnt help......LOL.....but my point is , i lived through that many times with no narcotics...  i also remember many times when my back went out totally...and the pain was so bad then that even when i chewed up the hydros 2 at a time, it still didnt help my pain anyways!  so whats the point of keeping that crapp around me when i know i can survive without it. I did it before, and I'll have to do it again if necessary.  It is just too tempting to have a refill of 90 hydros waiting for me.  STupid that i didnt even cancell it sooner than this.  But it sure feels good to have cut myself off from that potential disaster.. i also talked to my "friend" that i was getting extras from and told him NO MORE.  I told him no matter what i say later, dont give me anymore, EVER.  
So.....ive cut off those avenues... and now  i just need to deal with things.  I used to go through WD alot back before i even knew thats what it was and i survived that, too.  I just thought i had a flu or "fibromyalgia".  I dealt with it.  ANd this too will pass. I also wanted to tell you guys... ive been doing very well in weaning my xanax. Ive been doing that for months as some of you may remember. Im down to .25 mg  once a day.  sometimes  i even skip a day entirely without that crumb.  i hope to soon be off it completely.

so theres my update. I still feel bad phyiscally...but a little better mentally now that i did that this morning...(i posted a kind of anxiety ridden post early this morning and thankfully that has passed for the time being as well, lol)

[PromisedLand]

congrats TIO....you're gonna do it this time...I'm very proud of you (as is Bear as he sleeps next to me snoring)


Jim

[worried878]

when a person has chronic pain and an addiction issue..is suks major hot dogs..u did sumpin very positive trouble...this addiction stuff is chronic as well ..it will never go away..sumpin we will continue to fight for the rest of our lives..and u did sumpin that is so very hard for an addict to do!   I am sorry u r feeling bad..but congrats on ur clean time..u should be proud!..u have been on this forum ever since i can remember...u will fight thru any hardships that come ur way..u always have and u always will....ur a strong person and dont forget that

[troubleinohio]

impulse- let us know if the accupuncture works! I hope it does! Ive often wondered if that would help my back pain but cant afford to find out

[impulse79]

Sportnut, Hi, I was reading the posts, and like troubleinohio, I cancelled my prescription of tabs too, about a week into it going c/t, and refused percocets from my stupid doctor!  (I was taking 12-15 10mg tabs a day for 9 months)  Anyway, I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience with trying the meds again and not getting the pain relief or good feeling you were looking for.  That helps a lot.  And to troubleinohio, we quit at about the same time, and I'm still having headaches, lack of energy, stomach problems too.  I don't know if you are trying any of the vitamins/minerals, but I'm taking 6 capsules of fishoil a day and it really helps me w/depression.  And I'm going for accupressure on Friday for headaches to see if it will help.  Best wishes, Impulse.

[notgoingdown]

good for you!!!
I know that must have been so hard for you and I for one am very proud of you for sticking to your guns!

[Peg626]

It sounds like you & I are in the same boat. I am on day 1 of Hydrocodone w/d & feel terrible. I too would run out of meds before my refill was available. . . .but my dr. would always refill them. I know that if I had the pharmacy call him for a refill today, he would fill it. It has to be the toughest thing to not pick up that phone & have them filled. I was so "resolved" the other day when I told a very close friend of mine that I wanted to quit, it was time to quit. He absolutely HATED me being on pain meds, despite that I just had a disc in my neck replaced. I'm trying to keep in mind the resolve that I felt that day that I told him I was going to quit. He says he's VERY proud of me, which is something my husband, nor any family members have said. They are choosing to either not discuss it w/me or remain in denial. If it weren't for my friend & this forum, I would be doing this completely alone. I wish you the best of luck & know that I'm right here going through the same thing w/you!

[gizzy32]

Way to go trouble, happy to see you racking up the clean days again. We are always faced with tests and that is what makes us stronger. Good job:). Think you should bake one of your special cakes tonight??? Not the fetish ones tho, haha.

[sportnut]

From one Buckeye to another congratulations, you did better than I.
Two week s ago I had my oxy refilled and took a couple of small doses to help my shoulder pain and I am glad I did, I'll tell you why so that you know you did the right thing!
It did nothing for my mood, energy, any of the good things I found it did before.
It barely took the edge off of my shoulder pain BUT eben biting a 1/4 of a 20 mg off, very small dose, it actually made me feel like cr*p.
Subsequently I flushed 58 out of 60 down the comode, waste of $30.00 and my time.
I know in my head that it will never be the same now that the poison is out of my system.
Now it is a mental battle as the brain heals from the damage done but knowing it doesn't make me feel good now was an eye opener.

You did the right thing and it would have been a waste of time anyway!

Keep battling, you/we are winning!

J

[puglove27]

that must have been hard, but i think you know you had to do it to stay clean...good job!

[bkwrm679]

Congrats! I'm sure you made the right decision. I need to call my pill doctor and cancel my  membership as well.

[troubleinohio]

thanks you guys..i had to laugh when i read what you wrote about stength and courage...if you could have seen how bad my hands were shaking when i made that phone call, haha. I had to re-dial FIVE times to get it right!

since i last posted this.. i made myself get out of the house and do something even though i didnt feel like it. went to a couple garage sales looking for last minute school stuff for my son, then to the store to get his backpack he still needed and a few other last minute supplies (you should see the supply list the school sends, its ridiculous how much stuff you have to buy, PLUS a $50 school fee!!) plus all the clothes, shoes, lunch box etc!   I also bought stuff to make a big spaghetti supper tonight so I will have to force myself to cook too, lol.

thanks for being here for me you guys! And Nauty, its GREAT to see you back posting again, I have missed you!

[freebird227]

Closing our escape hatches is a major step in surrendering. As we do that we have to replace those exits with something supporitive, so make sure your support is in place, you are going to need it.
Try to remember how determined you are at this moment, if need be write it down so the next time your addiction screams for dope you'll have some experience under your belt as to what you did last time you craved.
This is how we build our own recovery program.
Surrendering is something we do daily, sometimes hourly, but what are we surrendering to......... That if I have the pills I will take them .The truth of our addictiction. With truth comes freedom, we no longer have to struggle...Now we know. There is a lot of freedom in that.  I am very happy for you that you have taken such a bold step in getting clean
Be steadfast and true to your decision..keep your addiction in Front of you and keep sharing especially if you want to use....Be Blessed   Debra

[ImGettingClean]

That takes a lot of strength; congrats to you!!!!!!

That's one Major battle you won in this war...

Nick

[NautyOne]

~~Hugz~~~  My Dear..........It takes strength, courage, and honesty to do what you did. Give yourself a big-ole-strait Jacket hug from Nauty........:-)))~~~

Luv,
YouKnowWho.............

[hopinforhappy]

Wow, good for you.  You have just become a HERO to many people.  Huge steps you are making!  It will pass.  In therepy my counselor told me that as an addict, pain is something we fear.  So much so that we can make it worse on ourselves.  (I totally agree) But, we need to go back to being a child.  Remember crying when you fell down and scraped your knee?  You don't do that as an adult.  You learn that pain is tolerable.  Our bodies are able to deal with a lot.... as you well know.  Keep relying on your strength!

[Lisa54]

I, for one, am proud of you.  I, unfortunately, had a doctor who would give me anything I asked for.  I was on Oxycontin and Lortab for my TMJ.  I truly didn't realize the extent of my dependance/addiction until I ran out 4 days early before I could get my refill.  that was an eye opener for me.  When I went to my dr about getting help, he wanted to give me percocet to get me by!!!!  I didn't want anymore pain meds, I wanted help getting off.  I went into rehab on Wed, and just knowing that my refills for the oxycontin and Lortab would be ready two days later bothered me so much.  My husband called the pharmacy to tell them to not fill them.  What you did was huge!!!!