I can't do this anymore! The Pain is Ungodly! Please talk to me

[dedicatedtostop]

So it's been a couple days now that I have been feeling this way, I just couldn't bring myself to post it since I am the one around here encouraging others! I quit counting but I am somewhere close to 2 months clean, but went back on pills for 1 week after my move after hurting my back then stopped them again.

I spoke to the coordinator at NA about my situation, my age and all my back problems and he told me
" that not even an addict deserves to suffer "... I am crying as I type this, and yes I am still clean!

I am so tired of not being able to get out and enjoy the things in life I love to do! I am so tired if being emotionally and physically exhausted from " pushing through the pain "... I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night bc I hurt!
I want to add.. I have NEVER purchased pills off the street. Only my MD.

I am so damn torn.. And torn up right now guys!! I am 33 yr old, I have always been so active and now I have 2 active, athletic kids I can't keep up with.. I have tried it all!! Ibprofen, Tylenol, Alevie, Accupunture, Chiro, PT, Injections... They say my only hope is a Spinal Fusion and being a nurse with 5 years pain mgmt experience, I will NOT do it till the day I can no longer walk!! Seen tooooo many people regret it and worse off!

What is one to do???!! I have been going back and forth with this question for a few days.. Thinking, I will give them to my Husband to dispense, take 1 a day?? **** I don't know, all I know is that I hurt, constantly.......
Now, get this!!!!!!!

So I called and cancelled my Apt last week w my Pain Dr, left a VM( can't ever get through ) and told them that I was doing well and no longer would need the apt. I was supposed to get my script at that Apt.
Low and behold if I didn't check the mail yesterday and they MAILED MY SCRIPT!!!! I guess I didn't make myself clear:(... The script isn't filled... But in all honesty, it's not thrown away either!
How freaking ironic huh?! I am cryin my eyes out right now!! Feel like I am stuck between a Rock and a hard place.. Dammed if I do... Damned if I don't!

I do want to add that as mentioned above, when I went back on them for a week after moving that my Husband dispensed them and I did NOT take more than prescribed! I made the decesion myslef to stop again bc I felt guilty!!

I don know what to do!!!!!!! As I am sitting here typing, intense pain is shooting down my left leg ( as always )... Had a Bilateral Discestomy on my L4 L5 and S1 July of last year and came out worse... In March I had another MRI and it showed that not only were they all blown back out but also my L3... My nerve root is completely compressed.

Okay, that's it for now I supposed bc right now, I am crying and hurting so bad I am shaking! Oh and of course.... This is all on top of being newly moved into a house that still need unpacked!!

[dedicatedtostop]

I am still here... It's been a busy day so I have not been able to check in as much as I would like to have.
I will update everyone tommorw per  how I am feeling and my thoughts on this matter.

I feel like there's no right it wrong :(

I am absolutely exhausted and will give a full update in the am.

For the record, I took 1 pill ONLY today and that 1 only got me through the entire day all while not craving more....
Again, Thank You all for your kind words and encouragement!!
You are all Angels..
I am officially going to bed.

Please watch this thread Tommorow for my update.

Love
Ashley

[PlowBoy36420]

I understand your pain today more than ever, I'm hurting real bad in my lower back an my feet and knees are hurting to the point I can't stand for 10 minutes.
I have been praying on weather or not on scheduling an appointment.  I plan on pushing it back until next week (God willing) but if it doesn't get better by at least Friday I will make that call.
I feel guilty just thinking this but I know how much I can take.
From the short time I've known you, I knew in my heart you have it in control and you have me respect on what ever your choice is.
((John))

[BearsFan1966]

Sweetie only you know your true pain...We are not meant to live in pain for our entire life and sooner or later your body will break down on you! I had to live threw my step mom dying from pain. She had a bad back and it just kept getting worse and she would only take meds as required, she never told the dr the meds only worked for a short time. Well after 10 years of pain her body finally gave up, first her legs went then her lower body, then her heart gave up. Please do what you need to live a healthy pain free life! When people say you can not die from pain, well yes you can and my step mom is prof of that!
much love to you
Kari

[pillguy]

I agree with Jerry198.  No one but you can make this decision and nobody is in a position to judge you.  Sending my best wishes to you !!

Larry

[Jerry198]

Hey "D" I was here when you first came by looking for help and have watched you support the site and everyone here but it sounds like you are asking for a "pass" well this is a hard game to win pain vs no pain an you are the only person here that can make the choice and you shouldn't need to defend a decision that you make for your health. To echo the words of a great advisor here "Pain is your body saying HEY" well if seeing a doc is not working and from time to time you need meds oh well that's life, you know what the right thing to do is now just do it.

I'm an addict an I know it so if I had one pill I would need 100 so I just deal with my issue now did the pills work hell yes but the side effects were killing me do I wish this past sat when I was HURTING BAD I had a pill hell yes Monday super sore do I need a pill NOPE if I had 10 would I eat them all before dinner YEP see that's me.

You need to fix you so do what makes you well not what makes you look like super women on this site.

[vicki595]

Reading through your posts, I'm struck by how just 10 mg of Oxy got you from writhing in pain to walking around the mall.  

Are you certain that taking this pain med twice per week is going to manage your pain? How will you know which two days to take it?  It's really not the recommended way to take pain med but I'm sure you know that.  Good luck to you-

[dedicatedtostop]

Thank you both so very much!!!

I did what I personally felt was right, at this given time anyways!
Thank you both for your support and kind words!

Robin,
I will not be going anywhere..I will continue to do all I can to support and encourage others. This site also offers me a constant reminder that I can never go back to the place that I once was... And should I ever begin to feel that path nearly approaching me, then I know what needs to be done once again!

The amount of support I have received here given my situation Amazes me and I couldn't be more Thankful! As always, I am taking 1 day at a time

[NeverAgain127]

Ashley:

I think you have made the right decision as well.    As i read through your post, I thought:  'she's pulling all the teeth from addiction.'...Think about it...Secrets:  Addiction loves secrets.  you had a family meeting and put all your cards on the table.   Stealing:  you are making not just one, but TWO people hold your pills.  Accountability:  You're taking responsibility for this process.   After-care: You're still going to your meetings.

Life isn't always black and white.  With addiction, it is...but you are a very specific case, and in the end, you have to make tough choices that allow you to participate in your own family's day to day existence.  

I hope you stay on here...you're honesty is an inspiration!

Hugs,
-Robin

[Merri123]

I'm glad you decided to take them. The smallest dose that works is always the best. You have a plan. Don't beat yourself up. Without surgery, this is your only choice. Try to get some exercise too. Strengthening your core will help a lot. Yoga is awesome. And if you can, a trainer at a gym once a week can help you with exercises that will help you and won't hurt your back. Pick one with experience.

You are good. You can enjoy your life. Don't let pain keep you from what matters. Your well being and family.

[dedicatedtostop]

Thank You all for you Amazing compassion and support! Words are inadaquent as to what it means!

I have literally just been able to sit down for the day and read all your comments with tears swelling up in my eyes.

The day started off with a meeting with my parents, my husband and myself and everything we discussed was a combination of all the above post.
With the support of my family, I made the decesion to fill the RX.
I took 1/2 of a 20mg Oxy at 11:00am this morning and it got me through the entire day. My hope is that will be all I need but perhaps every day will be different.
As Kristen and Frogger both mentioned.. I am fully guarded on frequent
" reality checks "..

Moving back home has been one of the best decesion's I have ever made. I am now 35 minutes from my parents VS 3 hours. And again, I am so very close to my parents!! Being so far away for 6 years was so hard!
Back to the point... Since this was a family discussion on how to improve my quality of life without getting addicted, we actually felt the best thing to do was have my Mother keep them with her and she dispensed enough to my Husband to get me through 1 week at a time. My Mother visits every Wed so that will be the day that she gives them to my Husband. We decided this was the best route to go so that there was not a substantial amount in the house. My plan is to do as Army Wife mentioned above and try to take them every other day or perhaps even twice a week! Basically the bottom line is I feel very strongly about doing all it takes to not develop an addiction to the pills and will only take them AS NEEDED! I am prescribed up to 4 daily, and that is the daily amount for 1 weeks worth that my Mother left with my Husband to dispense. I do not feel even remotely close to needing that much nor did it, or rather do I have any cravings at all for more. The 1/2 , today done wonders. I hope and pray that it will continue to be a small amount each day however some days are worse than others and if I have to go to 1 full pill then so be it. I will continue to take one day at a time.
As Pillguy mentioned above:

" Opiates are not not inherently bad.  They have been over-prescribed, over-used and for some of us, used appropriately at first but continued too long.  When the consequences of the pain is greater than the consequences of medicating with opiates then maybe it's time to medicate "

And, as Plowboy suggested above to write down the pros and cons of taking the medicine VS not taking it, I did such and with my family present, decided that... and again I quote my friend Pillguy " the consequences of the pain is greater than the consequences of medicating with opiates " at this point in my life.

I truly hope that each of you can see the precautions that I am taking here! Tommorow may be a day that I don't need anything other than Ibprofen.
~~ So with all that said, just as I did before, I will continue my " reality checks" often and should I get to the point where I feel the need for more than 4 a day... Then it WILL be stop time again! I also want to mention that these steps that I have taken that have included my parents is a FIRST and I am very proud of myself for doing such! My Father actually has the exact same issues as I so with my back ( although mine is a bit worse ) so he understands the feeling of suffering. He has also taken pain meds for nearly 20 years on an as needed basis and has NEVER taken more than prescribed and honestly 1-2 Norco a day suits him well! Saying that, I know that there are chronic pain patients, just as my own father whom so not abuse their meds!

So with all that said, I was able to spend the entire day today with my parents! We were all able to go watch my oldest practice Fastpitch, which I normally have trouble sitting through. Then my Amazing Daddy came home after the practice and helped my Husband do some things that needed to be done around the new house... While my Mother, the girls and myself went out for a little shopping just like old times sake! We used to do it often, but after the surgery, the physical and mental pain tore me down so much that even led to depression bc I just didn't feel like doing those things we used to do! It broke my Mothers heart during those times and NOW... We are finally back where we once were. For Months and Months prior to moving back I prayed and prayed seeking if the right decesion was to move back here to be closer to family. In our final decesion, we decided we needed to move back to be closer to family for support with my back issues, help with the girls and ensure that our families would be even more involved in the girls lives!
With all the above said, God finally opened my ears, eyes and heart on what I beleive was his will in my life.

I will continue to be as much as a supporter as possible on the forum and I will continue with my weekly NA meetings bc although I feel that taking the meds right now is the right choice for me, I will continue to stay alert and on top of the consequences of addition and where it can lead! This is something I feel in my heart is the right thing to do. I will stay engaged as much as possible, not only to support others through this journey but to be a constant reminder that I can never allow myself to get to such a point again!

I hope this makes sense and I hope you can all understand!

Still, I am not going anywhere...
I send my deepest Thank You to each and every one of you for your support, understanding, prayers and dear comments!

With Love,
Ashley

[Frogger76]

Hi Ashley!! Trust me, no judgements here. You do what you feel is necessary. If you have to take meds to have some quality of life, then so be it. You've been such an inspiration to so many on here. With everything you've been thru, I trust that you will recognize if you are taking too many, or more often than you should, and if that problem arises, I know you'll take the right steps to correct it. I have complete faith in you, whatever you choose, we are behind ya 100%. Good luck and take care...

[Kristen2015]

Sorry my comment posted twice.  Ashley give us an update

[Kristen2015]

Robin. I had a Costro flare up 3 times.  It is soooooooo painful.  Big hugs to you!

[Kristen2015]

Robin. I had a Costro flare up 3 times.  It is soooooooo painful.  Big hugs to you!

[NeverAgain127]

I think this is an excellent post.  Kristen summed it up perfectly.

You have no reason to feel guilty.   Being in constant pain all the time is bad for your body; you have children to take care of, and a life to live.  

I'm dealing with this too, but to a much lesser extent.  My new job requires that I carry a portable tablet computer with me everywhere.  It is so small...typing on it is causing my costochondritis to flare up very badly...I feel like someone is stabbing me all over my chest.   I was in tears on Friday, and had to come home from work, lay down, and just put a big bag of frozen peas on my breastbone.  It helped a little.

Whatever you decide to do, I know you'll make the right decision. And I would NEVER judge you...
Hugs,
-Robin

[Kristen2015]

My opinion is have your husband hold the drugs and dispense them.  there is no reason for you not to take the drugs if your quality of life is suffering and your are in tears from pain.  just do frequent honest checks with yourself on whether you are abusing them or getting to where you don't feel you are in control.

[Desperate4help88]

We are supporting you no matter what sweetheart! I'm praying for the best decision you make today. Woke up thinking of you today. We love and care honey.

[winthewar]

Ms d you are so supportive to everyone on this forum if they have paid attention to your story they would see this is not something you want to do but may have to do for yourself to be able to be the mom you want to be.  I'm in your corner and no you will make the right choice for your situation as everyone's is different. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[Seanimanadict]

Hey there I was also in the same boat as you. I woke up one day and couldn't move  frombthe pain shooting down to my foot from my hip( sciatic nerve). They said degenerative disk disease, extruded disc, and wanted to remove my L1,L2,s1s2. I know your pain all to well. I couldn't lay,sit, etc for more than 5 mins. This agony went on for months , forcing my self to exercise and walk around the block started to help. Pain killers and muscle relaxers didn't touch the pain at all even tho it may for you. I was on methadone at the time still didn't get relive from that. I hope your pain subsides and I will be praying for you,Sean

[dedicatedtostop]

Thank You All!!

Luvdolphins... Thank You so much for your support! That really really means a lot to me!!

Armywife... You have summed up exactly how I feel!!! And.... So much that what you posted, at this time is what I have been thinking of doing! Everything you stated was nearly exactly how I feel I need to proceed. I have been praying my heart out for days!! Waiting for The Lord to open the eyes to my heart!

John,
As always, thank you!
That's a great point and I will sit down as soon as I can and write those down!

Lastnight I had a good friend come over and we talked about this for hours. Today, my Parents are on their way up here not only to spend the day w us but to discuss this decesion with me and my Husband as well. I have never hidden anything from my parents as they are fully aware of my past addiction and the condition of my spine. With that said, hopefully all of you can see that I am taking this very serious!!

I woke up this morning with stabbing pain starting in my left hip, buttocks down the left leg and a numb foot. This seems to be the story of my life!

My parents should be here anytime so I will update you all on my decesion later today!

Thank each and every one of you for your continued support and prayers!

With Love,
Ashley

[PlowBoy36420]

Hey hun, I would say write down what you feel is best and worst then sort through the pro's and cons.  It might seem a bit cheeky but at least you can sit and look over everything and it is possible to draw this to a head. You know in your heart what's right but the pain and fears are clouding the answer. Go for a long soak and pray things over.
I'm praying for you, I know you got this and God will give you the answer.
((John))

[ArmyWifeMomof4]

I did this too. I am 32 and I have 5 kids and there are days my back hurts so bad I just can't. I finally went back to my doctor and he told me I had to do something. My oldest son uses a wheelchair and I was having so many issues getting him in and out of it. The MRI showed all kinds of fun stuff and they started talking surgery but I have had sooooo many people say not to do it. So I won't. I have my husband fill my scripts and I have him give me the meds. We have also had it put in my file that I am only to get one script for a certain amount of pills a month. We take every precaution we can and so far it has really worked. You really can take these safely. It sometimes scares me because I know there is an evil force trying to kill me on these pills and I try everything before I take one. Heat, tens machine, PT, Advil, Tylenol and I started dry needling for my hip. I believe you can do this and with your support system you can have control over it. I stay on here also to remind myself what people are going thru on WDs and that helps me not take them more then 2 days in a row. I try to make sure I put a couple days in between if I can stand it. Like I said take it one day at a time and don't think about where you will be in a month. I just make sure my husband takes the meds with him everywhere. He hides one dose in the house in case he can't get home and it is really bad. Not enough for me to abuse and I pray a lot before taking one for guidance on needing it or not. It is a day by day battle but it is working. You do not and should not live in pain. I felt guilty and yes even still do some days when I ask him to give me a dose but like everybody says you should not feel bad if you are using them for actual pain. If your husband can really walk thru this with you and be strict with this with you it can work. I take a dose maybe twice a week on those days I just can't get out of bed and the other days that are just sort of miserable but I can move, I really try to stay away. It's hard especially on is moms who are younger and are upset and feeling our body is betraying us. I am in shape and my kids are very active and I can't understand why my body is being a jerk but it just happens. I really think you can do this.

[luvdolphins58]

Dedicated  I read the last 2 post I was highly offended  and it wasn't  even  said to or about me. I have  been following  you last few months. I'm  so  proud  of  you. You have fought like a true warrior. I  totally  understand  the pain. Just be careful  that much pain with no relief  can raise havoc on your body. Or it did mine again. That's  main reason  I'm  back in hospital. Praying  for  you. I'm  in your corner but more importantly  JESUS is.  

[dedicatedtostop]

I am not trying to " sell " anyone on why I need them!! I have been around here for quite some time and I was only trying to give a brief History of my physical condition. I posted this here with an open mind and and open heart and most importantly Honesty!
Perhaps you meant no harm but that comment felt offensive to me. I didn't have to come here and pour my heart out on this matter bc I chose to instead of " hiding "
Is it not possible to continue to " guard yourself " and use restraint, knowing how hard I worked to get clean from them. I feel that always keeping that history within my heart and mind has a great potential from keeping me to going back to that dark place I once was!

I have a slew of supporters, family, friends and my NA meetings. Even if I choose to fill the script and take them as needed, dispensed by my Husband which may not even be on a daily basis... That will not stop me from continuing my meetings or coming to this forum!

I have NO IDEA what to do, what's right or wrong but by god nobody deserves to live in Chronic pain day in and day out! I am " okay " not taking pills.. Sadly, I just can't get out and do the things that make me enjoy life bc
" I am always afraid it will flare up my back ".... I guess I am just in a no win situation and it really really *****!!
I had never ever taken pain meds until my back injury! I have given up so much!! I will most likely never work as a nurse again, I just recently had to resign my position as Head Fastpitch Coach at a 5A #1 School and coached travel softball on top of that!!!! A passion of mine since a child that has been stripped away because of my stupid back... So, forgive me if you feel I am trying to " sell you " a reason to take pills! I was only trying to give insight on how my back issues have/ and continue to affect my quality of life! I came here being honest, seeking opinions from a community dear to me. I have been here supporting and positively encouraging others even while I was personally crying on the inside bc of my own pain. I don't know... Perhaps I just need to suck it up and live a mediocre life.. On pills ( as RX'd or not ) I know how far I have come and I know how strong I am and I will never let my guard down, if I did... I wouldn't have came to this forum after being the one encouraging others to pour out what I am personally going through...

The pain absolutely takes a toll on every ounce of everything I have within me, my heart, my mind and my soul.