Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

I can't seem to shake this monkey

It's out of control. I can't stop this train, and I'm getting scared. COCAINE  Nothing in my life has ever had this much control over me. Not even a woman. I am 35 yrs, in a wheelchair with a spinal cord injury  ( 4 yrs ) My wife left me about a year ago, and this **** took her place. On top of that, I am injecting it. I feel so bad, because I am so weak. The way I am using it, absoulutly sickins my stomach. If my X would ever find out, I would lose my kids.  I love my kids very very much. They areeverything to me. But when I drop them off, Lucifer comes a calling. Being alone sucks the big one. I am scared of what this stuff is doing to me. My arms look like hell, and I am losing my self worth. I cannot love myself like this. This is not the road Iwant to travel. I picked up a ball last night, and haven't slept yet. It's gone now. I sure wish it could be gone forever. Is there anyone out there that has kicked this monkey in the ass ? I told a couple of my friends, hoping they might be able to help me, but they juststoped coming over. It sucks to be me...Yup it sucks to be me. I tried to get into something that would occuppy my time, by building a website, to try and make some cash, but I can't even do that. I'm thinking about suicide, before I overdose. I would hate for my kids to come over and find me with a needle sticking in my arm. Doesanyone have any advise for me ?  Fricken Columbians. Sorry for being so weak. Rick
31 Responses
Avatar universal
welcome to the forum, there is always room for one more!
it has been many years since i have touched cocain. when i did do
cocaine i, like you injected it. i can still remember the blown
out frazzled feeling when the coke is gone.
2 things:
1) Get some help. i don't care from who or what. this is the most
important thing. the condition is very fragile. it's time to go
into survival mode. call your doctor,or suicide hot line! the
condition your in, you can't go this alone.
2)on this forum, are many caring people who have been where your
at. believe me when i tell you THERE IS A WAY THRU THIS! please
stay in touch with this forum as we wish to assist you any way we
keep an angel on your shoulder!
Avatar universal
Hi everybody.  What a wierd couple of days it has been my husband works in NYC and wsa supposed to be at aconference at the world trade but thank god he didn't go.  It was like planes, trains and automobiles to get him home yesterday.  It is so scary to see terrorism in your backyard I look outside of my house and can see the smoke and it seems everyone we have contact with is personally affected by this.  My husband is in the financial business so he had a lot of associates that could have been there.  So far we don't know anyone who has perished.  I am just counting my blessings and just feel it could have been any one of us my addiction seems so trivial compared with what others are going through.  
JENNY - Hang in there I am here for you if you need anything!!! How was the visit with the parents?  
Avatar universal
please let us know if your still reading the postings on this
forum. all thru out today i thought of you and your posting. i
must admit i am some what dissapointed by the lack of other regular
posters. perhaps the current events in nyc & washingto dc has up-
set the routine. hang in there and let us know whats going on with

keep an angel on your shoulder
Avatar universal
Hi all..
Kip, I've been so busy fielding emails and coordinating efforts in the Pagan community in response to the tragedy, that I've been having a hard time keeping up with anything else...

but billyb, I do want to respond to you. You sound like you are either at bottom, or about to hit it..Please don't try to go this alone. It is a great step that you came here and told us what was going on. This is an amazing and compassionate, non judgemental group of people.  Keep posting and reading and you'll see what I mean.

But also..your suicidal feelings worry me alot.  Your kids need you alive and here. Trust me on this..let them be your reason to cling to life and to reach out for help.  Taking out of the realm of secrecy and sharing it with others who have been there will be a powerful step toward healing. You are not alone and you are not a bad person. You are an addict, just like me...and among other addicts you are likely to find your healing.

Call NA, or CA, talk to a counselor..just don't give up.

let us know how you are doing..
Avatar universal
I'm sorry I have not been to the forum in a day or so.....Yesterday was too crazy and I was not online....I am running out to work no but your post grabbed my head as I was reading...I have stuff to say butI have to leave..Hnag in there and I will get back later   love to all         cin
Avatar universal
Hang in there buddy.....I have thought to myself soooo many times that I would rather die than to get off of drugs....but my girlfriend asked me one day....."how would it make your kids feel to be coming to your funeral and placing a rose on your casket???  Just that thought made me cringe....Life is so precious and we should all feel fortunate that we have a CHOICE, unlike the ones in NYC....thousands of people died and they had NO CHOICE....we do....so do whatever it takes to get through this....you will get so much support in AA and NA....those people wouldn't leave you alone in your time of need like your friends have.....they understand the pain your in and will be there for you no matter if your clean and sober or if your using....This forum has SO many wonderful, compasionate people that will listen and be here for you....Please take care of yourself and let us ALL know how your doing....and LOVE those kids....they need you....

Love, kristen
Avatar universal
The innocence of a child!  :(
Avatar universal
Hi all,

I was so happy to read that those who have posted are safe. i have had a terrible time with aol these last couple days. As soon as I would log on it kicked me right off.

Rick, before I was a pill junkie my addiction took many many avenues. I would like to think of myself as a pharmacology engineer. (without the degree of course) I loved anything white and powdery..coke, pcp etc.  And YES Rick as with any addiction you can get hold of it.
But in your state of mind I think you need to get some help soon. As someone suggested go to a hospital, suicide hotline.
Remember your kids Rick. And know suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a Temporary problem. You have made a step by reaching out to those on this forum. These people are in various stages of their addiction. They are non-judgemental and EXTREMELY supportive. I think you will find a lot of support here. Read back through the past threads and post often. Welcome aboard Rick.

God bless you all at this time when we realize how fragile life is.

Avatar universal

Not to steal your thunder on this thread Rick but I have a question. I have been taking Thomas recipe for almost two weeks. anyhow, over all i think it is working great. I do the 5htp also. One and night and one in the morning. QUESTION: I have a pins and needle feeling in my hands, more so my left than my right. Any ideas if this is a side effect to the 5htp? Also an odd taste in my mouth. It did say muscle weakness to be aware of on the bottle. But this isn't that. It is pins and needles feelings and numbness in the finger tips. I would ask my doctor but he is still trying to distinguish his ass from a hole in the ground. thanks as always for any info.

Avatar universal
I've searched sites on 5 HTP and have not seen numbness in the extremities as a side effect of it. Did it start once you added the 5 HTP to your supplement regime, or after?  How many mgs are the pills you are taking, 50 or 100?

I know that when I take the L-Tyrosine, I get a distinctly funny taste in my mouth, and it makes me feel very jittery, as if I've had a bit too much caffeine.  That may be where the funny taste is coming from.  I've not noticed any pins and needles myself.

To be on the safe side, try stopping the 5 HTP and see if the pins and needles goes away.  Also, it would be a good idea to see a doctor if you can, just to be sure it isn't something else.
Anxiety can cause that kind of pins and needles, but so can a lot of other things.

keep us posted!

Avatar universal
Just thought I would let you know that I would ALWAYS get the pins and needles in my pinkie fingers and that side of my hand also when I was detoxing. As soon as too many hours went by without a pill, that's exactly how my withdrawl would begin. Compared to what was coming, this was just annoying but still reminds me of the horribleness yet to come. Hope this helps!!
Avatar universal
my friend, you're addicted to the worst brain poison on the planet. Cocaine's effect on the human brain is enslaving and evil. Long-term use of cocaine nearly destroys the pleasure center in your brain. Think about it: you clean up and still can't experience pleasure -- for the rest of your life. You need expert in-house medical detox and right now! Please go to an in-patient detox right now. Everything depends on this. Call one now and arrange to come in tonight. They know how to bring you down without a lot of discomfort. Save yourself and your future with your family tonight!


Avatar universal
Thomas, your views on drugs and addiction are truly unique! In an earlier post you couldn't understand why yourself, as a Responsable card holding adult could not go to the pharmacy of your choise and obtain narcotics for your own personal consumption.Great Idea! We need more drugs on our streets for our youth to O.D. on. Oh have you heard,Heroin is a major problem amoung our societys young today. Maney started with just three or four ( or 75 ) vic's a day. I know two high school students where I live that are gone do to Oxcy OD's. So sad and such a waste. If you can stay home and jones with narcotics why did you stop? Why are so maney on this forum  because there live's are in ruins from these drugs.Now your saying how terrible cocane is. Why can't I walk into a pharmacy ond buy a bag of coke to do in my on home? Just because you like a certain drug, that drug should be legal? This is an open Forum,and to paraphrase;If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. Best always, shane
Avatar universal
Hello everyone

Well, I made it through. Oh the guilt. I tossed the rigs in the trash. I can only hope I will never touch another. I am scared to go to a detox, because of the system. They had my number when I was drinking. Made my life hell, and I didn't quit drinking. I have now been clean from drinking for 4 yrs, because I wanted it. This is more powerful though. I'm just scared of what people will think of me. The last thing I want, is to be known as a junkie. Even though that's exactly what I am. I feel better today. I would like to thank you all for your words of compassion. I will get through this ****.

Avatar universal
first of all let me tell you how glad i am to hear from you. i've
not forgotten  what it's like to feel the anguish you must have
felt when you posted yesterday.

rick, stop worrying about what people think. start worrying about
what could happen the next time you do up all the coke you can get
your hands on!

there is always room for one more person in this forum.
Avatar universal

Hey Shane,

Thomas doesn't need anybody to defend him, but, excuse me, what did you say? I can't find your previous post.

If you think you are going to find most of the people in denial here, you have another thought coming. As one of the folks who posted about the inherent inequities in being able to purchase booze but not vicodin, I will make a value judgment - cocaine is by far more destructive than vicodin. That doesn't mean that we (I) don't have substance abuse problems. It doesn't mean that I can't offer advice without being hypocritical. It's called support and you'll find Thomas has given a lions' share of support for months on this board.

No one's endorsing abuse. I'd refrain from flaming folks here. This is a place to help others. Disagreements are fine (you and I disagree about cocaine) but I wouldn
Avatar universal
Hey Frank, My post with Thom is from an earlier thread that was disrubted by the horrible events in NY and Washington. Frank, to compare the dangers of two dangerouss drugs is moot. Its' like comparing a 9mm to a .45. Two children I knew are dead from oxy's, how dead is dead? Also the last thing I want to do here is appear "holier than thou" I'am the last person to even think of it. I have been through it all and caused a lot of hurt and damage to people I love and who loved me.This is nothing to feel holier about,EVER! Thomas didn't like what I said and I didn't like what he said. That's Freedom of speech. I too am here to help whoever I can and will continue to do so even if it's not as often as some other's. Mabey I don't have as much to offer in terms of quantity so I'll reserve my posting's to when I think they are relevent. Thanks for your input Frank.And I pray we can all work in accord, towards heping others who are were we once were.  Shane
Avatar universal
Hello Rick, Please let me apologise for any disruption I may have caused in your thread! Your problem with coke is by far the priority hear.Listen to the maney wonderful people here; there is much advise that can help you. You do need to take whatever step's neccecary to end this addition. Please get help with a Reputable detox facility. They will aid you tremendously. God Bless you and keep posting. Shane
Avatar universal
Hello Rick, Please let me apologise for any disruption I may have caused in your thread! Your problem with coke is by far the priority hear.Listen to the maney wonderful people here; there is much advise that can help you. You do need to take whatever step's neccecary to end this addition. Please get help with a Reputable detox facility. They will aid you tremendously. God Bless you and keep posting. Shane
Avatar universal
Thank you both for your reply on the pins and needle sensation in my hands. I appreciate your response. I am going to give my doctor a call WW. Gianna I don't think or at least hope it is not due to detox still as it has been about 5 weeks for me. Even though from time to time I feel post acute withdrawls. Either way I am all for the 5htp. THE GOOD OUT WEIGHS ANY BAD.

I seen katie r posted on tuesday. I hope she isn't beating herself up too much. As i haven't seen anymore posts since. though I realize with the nation in turmoil our minds are elsewhere.
KATIE R even if you scored a few pills the point is look how long you went with out them. Next time might be longer and maybe your will shall increase. And as you said you managed to spread them out some. PLEASE DON'T SEE THIS AS A FAILURE.

Avatar universal
My husband is a chronic pain patient who has had trouble finding doctors to treat him. He is not an addict. I think it is ridiculous that people can buy alcohol, but he can't walk into a pharmacy and get the meds he needs. I on the other hand am an addict even though there are laws in place that stop me from walking into a pharmacy and getting meds. As for Thomas, he does not need me to defend him either, but I want to say that he has been a wealth of information to me. I respect his opinion alot and hope that he keeps posting, because I still need help as does many others.
Avatar universal
I agree with Frank and those other forum members that find thomas pretty high up on our list,(I have always valued views and opinions of everyone here that shares on this forum,,,good, bad or indifferent)...,,He does not need defending however, I have this bad habit of finding the good qualities in those I care about and have helped me out,,,Thomas qualifies as both for me..I really see where he has written anything so wrong..I don;t see that he was glorifying opiates in any way..I think I am the one that started this whole thing by stating a fact...In the beginning the opiates made me feel pretty damn good,,,,why else would I have started using?  why did anyone start using? Other than those that feel victim to the addictive tendencies that opiates posess....such as chronic pain people...and I  myself would like to know why is it that we can go into a store and buy booze easily and not opiates when the booze is as deadly, if not deadlier than narcotics..alcohol kills your liver, just like some opiates, and you say teens are dying from oxy od's  what about alcohol poisoning?  it happens more frequently than you think....it kills innocent people....behind the wheels of cars etc....and opiates do have medicinal value....more so than booze..none of it is good for you.....I simply asked Thomas a question about a thread that we had going on here several months ago about us as addicts enjoying the feeling we at first got from the opiates...so go ahead and blast ME....I really don't care...i expressed my feelings and my opinions...and of course I do see the downside of addiction....I was there,,,a place I don't want to go back to but I do at times have questions in my head...maybe alot of us have the same questions but for fear of being bashed or feeling humiliated they don't ask these questions..I don't think it was my intent or Thomas's intent to glorify or justify anything..I hope everyone has a great weekend.....and God be with us all during this devasting American massacre...love to all  cin
Avatar universal
Sorry  I was not able to get back with you last nihgt..You have received some good advice from these people here...Listen to what they say...Kip, WW and Thomas among the others are so very helpful and insightful...There is help and there is hope....have you considered a 12 step program....PLEASE  SOMEONE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG...I don't know much about coke,,I briefly smoked crack and that was horrible enough but I heard the psychological addiction is worse than the physical addiction as far as little or withdrawals that are not as bad as opiate withdrawal..I know when I smoked it the psychological **** was the bad part....i had no withdrawals and I smoked pretty much for about 3 months.12 step programs..CA, NA, AA some type of support  etc......hang in thnere and best of luck to you my friend   love to all  cin
Avatar universal
hey people:
i guess if i had to take sides, i'ld have to side with Frank.
thomas can take care of him self. how ever this whole little side
track reminds me of a phase i went thru the first time i cleaned
up my hand in a 12 step program---
lets see it went something like this--
"be carefull of my fragile feelings, i'm really quite vulnerable-
so please remember about my fragile feelings-
FULLY ALL OVER YOUR FEELINGS (there not as fragile as mine)

(it doesn't always have to make sense)

keep an angel on your shoulder
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