I desperately need honest advice with suboxone. Im a heroin addict.

[subsecrets]

Hi,
I am a heroin addict and I think i have messed up but I don't know. I struggled with heroin addiction for years. Im in my mid to late 20's now and after a long battle with addiction I seemed to finally get it. I was sober, completely sober, for about 2 years. Things were going good but one night I royally screwed up and got high. In retorspect I don't even know how it happened. It was so fast. And immediatly the addict voice was strong in my mind. Cravings were back. Like all the work id put in the past 2 years and all the progress I made and things I learned were out the window and I wanted to keep using. I got high the next day too. But I kept it a secret. I was so scared I was about to lose everything, so mad at myself, I felt I couldn't tell anyone. All the people in my life that id destroyed with my addiction they were finally at peace again knowing I was doing well. I had made my ammends, worked the steps, and making living ammends on a daily basis. I didnt have the heart to break it to them and a part of me, the addict part maybe, thought "its ok. youve been clean 2 years, you only messed up 2 days."

Well...the cravings were strong again and so I possibly made another mistake and took suboxone from a friend who gave me some. Initially I thought id just take it a couple days to quiet the cravings and any WD but its been several months now. 7-8 months of being on it every day. Noone in my life knows and I am scared because I know the H E L L that people have described in sub detox. Now I don't know what to do and here is my question.

My life is amazing right now. Better than its ever been. Family, friends, romantic relationship, work and I LOVE  it and am grateful for it. But theres a part of me that feels maybe its not real. I am not taking opiates and im not getting high, but I do take a little suboxone, about 1.5-2mg each morning. I don't have any cravings. I have been around people high and I dont want it. I don't ever drink, other than the morning suboxone dose I am completely sober from any other substance or alcohol, however, the people in my life don't think I take suboxone, its my secret I guess.

I guess I just want to hear peoples opinions on my situation. Is it ok to take sub if im staying off everything else and doing well in aspects of my life? Is it bad? Will I even be able to get off it if i try? Has anyone detoxed after longer sub use and if so what was it like? Im willing to hear anything. I just needed to get this out there and get feedback. Please any advice, stories, etc. will be so helpful.

Thank u guys so much for taking the time to read this. I would really really appreicate ANY feedback at all.

[subsecrets]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think you're all right and I do agree with the point made about character defects and secrecy. I know secrets take you out and I am keeping one. And I guess it is fear preventing me from getting honest and I should probably own up to my choices with the hope and trust that it will turn out the way its meant to if im being honest.

Has anyone experienced sub detox and can give me any idea of what to expect in comparision to opiate/heroin detox?

Thank you everyone for responses and for the advice. It is helpful getting this out.

[weaver71]

I just wanted to point out that sub is a synthetic opiate and took it from the street. I'm glad it was sub rather than H, but the secrecy opens the door to inner struggle and a feeling of shame. On the other hand, I think you are using subs at a realistic dose. I've seen people maintain a dose at 2 mg for over 2 yrs  and tapered off with minimal WD. I agree with atthbeach, we are only as sick as our secrets. I also agree there's nothing to be ashamed of, if you do it honestly win integrity. I would find a sub doctor first, tell your 12 step members second, then decide if you are going to continue. If you continue, I would tell everyone who you have deceived. If you and the sub doctor chose to taper you off, tell everyone after you detox. Point is sneaky behavior could lead yo enough guilt to jeopardize the work you have done so far. You feel bad, that's why you posted here. Subs saved my life too, but being honest about my life was a huge leap of getting over my old habits, not drugs, character defects. So, that's my opinion. I hope you get a handle on this soon, you had grown so much. Keep us posted on your progress.

[maria920]

Hello! I am on the suboxone program and it too has saved my life from a very bad heroin addiction! I am currently at the beginning of a very long slow taper to yet off and avoid asuch WD as possible. I don't find anything wrong with u going in it other than it sounds like ur getting it from the streets. If u started using again and knew u weren't going to stop just like many of us do then I think u made a good choice. I agree with Andie about ppl who are on suboxone aren't clean. That is bullsh¡t. I am clean and have been for 306days all bc of suboxone. I would b dead if I didn't get clean. Don't b too hard in urself . U are doing what's best for u to stay clean!!! But I would get into a Dr and get them instead of the streets ( if u haven't already) good job and good luck! =]

[Ben727]

Opiate: Natural alkaloid contained in the resin of the opium poppy, primarily morphine, codeine, and thebaine. Kratom and Salvia can also be considered natural opiates because of their action on various receptors. Kratom on the mu and delta receptors, and Salvia is a kappa-opioid agonist.

Opioid, semi-synthetic: Starts with poppy-based raw material (codeine, morphine, thebaine) and chemically alter these in the lab to come up with hydromorphone, hydrocodone, oxycodone, oxymorphone, desomorphine, diacetylmorphine (heroin), etc.

Opioid, fully synthetic: Fentanyl, pethidine, methadone, tramadol, dextropropoxyphene, buprenorphine (suboxone), etc. Created in lab with no need for raw material derived from the poppy. Many derived from petroleum.

[atthebeach]

That's right I know I didn't say you should be ashamed to be on subs. It is a treatment plan and if done properly certainly has saved a lot of people.
The way he is doing it is the question, not being honest with those who matter to him and buying it off the streets. The behavior is in question.

Yes it is very possible to get off subs. With a good taper plan in place, and some supplements, amino acids, vitamins, good nutrition and exercise to help build up your body you get successfully get off. Slow and steady wins the race. If you yo- yo your dose it is harder on your body.

[jifmoc]

In my opinion this isn't about subs or not. I have zero opinion on you taking subs. If it gives you a normal life, great. What you're upset about is the secrecy/ that's probably what may be making you  "feel" like you're behaving like an addict (even tho your not using.)  Why not make it easier on yourself, find a GOOD dr. and do it the "right" way? You're on them anyway, and this question is not gonna go away. You also don't know really what wds from subs are like: remember how afraid you were dtoxing off of all the other opiates? I'm not telling you to do that, I'm just saying, you are "maintaining" w/ stuff off the street. And that feels "addicty" probably. So, why not talk to a shrink and a dr. w/ experience w/ this? Put yourself in the right hands! You dont need to have this eat you up, ya know? This is all about the secrecy not "what" you are taking. Know what I mean?

[Andie015]

Sorry....all i'm  
Saying is there is a lot more dignity on confessing to subs than there is to heroin. I could be  wrong but these are my true thoughts and I stick by them.... Just do t be ashamed....there's no reason for it....

[Andie015]

Don't ever be ashamed or upset with yourself that you have take suboxone. As I said before, there are some on this forum who will curse the fact that you've been on subs but its nothing to be ashamed of.  It's a life saving tool for some. I realize there are withdrawals associated with suboxone but it's something you have to deal with when you feel you are done with subs. It's something that I had to deal with....but what gave me comfort is knowing I was getting the last addictive substance out of my life.... A substance that I could live without because it didn't give me any high.....it's yet another hurdle to overcome but an easier hurdle to jump because I wasn't dealing with a mood altering substance.  i realize I could be unique...maybe not...all I'm saying is I could not have broken my 13 year addiction without them. Would you rather say I've been shooting heroin or I've been taking a maintenance drug to maintain my sobriety

[subsecrets]

Hi guys
Wow thank you for the responses and I truly appreciate them all. Internally I guess I am really torn. In the 2 years I was sober, things were good, not amazing but I was doing good building up my life again, therapy, 12 steps, and living honestly and at the end of the day i felt good about myself. It was the longest id ever stayed sober and i liked knowing that I was living a completely honest life. Thats the only part about this that eats me up sometimes. I dont feel like ive relapsed in the sense of using vs not using. I am still off heroin and I still lead a life where I get to be of service to others and help others and maintain my own sobriety form heroin and any other drugs or alcohol but theres still a part of me that feels that the "life i have come to lead now and love" is contingent upon me being able to take subs in the morning other wise id be sick and that parallels the contingency that was present when i was on the dope and that aspect I dont like. The people in my life all dont know i am on subs so in some ways I feel like im lying to them by omission but then the other voice in my head says why try to fix something thats not broken. For once in my life im maintaining sobriety (although on subs) im not in a constant crycle of rehabs detoxes and relapses and hurting and disappointing all those around me as I was for many years so as you can hear in my words I don't know im just torn

BUT the other aspect of this, that scares me the most is the sub detox. The opiate detox I can handle. ITs hell, but ive been through it a million times and i know i just have to suck it up and get thru a week of pure physical and mental hell but with SUBS ive heard the detox is actually way worse. That it goes on for a long time, weeks even months, and is virtually impossible plus id have to taper myself down to a crumb of a sub and even then its still misery and with the life I have now with job, friends, family, lots of responsibilities, etc. I don't think I can uphold all of those responsibilities while going through such a prolonged withdrawal. Im upset at myself too because I wish I had just stayed sober the way I was before the subs. I had 2 years and I completely screwed it up. I am also so scared of what the people in my life will think if they knew I was on subs. I don't know if theyd be okay wiht it or if theyd feel betrayed and lied to and furious and im just really scared of that too. :(
Thank you guys so much for giving me an opportunity to talk about some of this. Ive been keeping it in to myself for months and even just being able to talk about it is helping. Thank you.

[Andie015]

Sorry, misspelled heroin.....my bad :)

[Andie015]

Suboxone completely saved my life, and I see no shame in admitting you are taking suboxone. You don't crave it, get high off of it or obsess about it constantly like you do with other drugs. You just live a normal life. I realize everyone has a different experience with subs but for me, it was the bridge from complete addiction to regaining my sanity and my life. There are so many here who say suboxone is a terrible idea, and they have every right to their opinion, my opinion is that suboxone serves its purpose if used correctly. Are you taking or seeking out heroine, are you obsessed with finding and using it?  By your post I would say no, that in itself tells you something. It really pisses me off to hear those who say you are not clean on suboxone. I understand what this med is but the alternative is total and utter addiction and drug seeking behavior. Don't be ashamed you are on this med because you could be telling us you are hiding a rampant heroine addiction from everyone. I think this is obviously a better situation. I'm sure I'm going to be blasted for these comments but this is my opinion and I'm allowed to It....Good for you, your not taking heroine and keep up the good work....you are doing well, no matter what the stigma says.....

[jifmoc]

You nailed it. Wish I said all that.

[atthebeach]

hello and welcome. what was your life like for the two years that you were clean? was it as amazing as it is now that you are taking subs?
you mentioned you initially got the subs from a friend? are you still getting the subs off the street? you didn't mention a doctor or clinic so I would assume that.
what I see wrong with this is that your secrets are keeping you sick and that you are self medicating. both of these behavior are how an addict acts during active addiction.
are you still going to AA or NA?
subs are a semi-synthetic opiate, you are on a maintenance program that is why you aren't having any cravings.
do you honestly think you should stay on the track you are on?
if you take a personal inventory what is your heart, spirit and mind thinking about this?

[jifmoc]

Hi, I too do not have experience w/ subs but like the above poster says, give it some time, I'm sure the "subs" folks will chime in. What I wanted to say to you is that thru your post one thing comes thru clearly: you feel bad about not being completely honest. Good thing you wrote, before you go and do something even though you don't feel like it now. The fact that you are in your 20's and kicked a heroin habit is AMAZING. Have you told people in NA? Or a doctor you can trust? I'm sure you know, that the more secrets we keep, the more that eat at us, and you know where that leads. Seems like the secrecy is the core issue. So, perhaps practice telling more folks you can trust (like us, but more) and start revealing it. I think we are so afraid of being judged and it's never as bad as we think.

[ImDONENoMore]

Hi and just wanted to say welcome.

I don't have any personal experience with subs, but a lot of folks here do and I'm sure they'll chime in with their perspective.  But I can tell you, I used to think I could control my intake too, but the problem with that is you develop a tolerance after a while, and you need more and more of the drug to get the same effect.  And that's where the trouble starts.  Just something to think about, because although it feels like right now life is good, that can change quickly with addiction.

I hope you're able to find the advice/support you need re: the subs.  You can take your life back.  Just wanted to say that it IS possible to quit for good.  You just have to have good plan in place and never let your guard down.  Good luck to you! :)