Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
1547887 tn?1298863951

I don't know how much more I can take.....

I'm posting because I don't know if I'll be posting again for awhile......... Today is Day 12 of being "Clean"......  I'll be honest HAD I KNOWN HOW BAD THIS WOULD BE...... I dont think I would have even dared to stop taking the Hydros.... I don't know what to really do anymore.... I BARELY made it through work today with out a total freak out.... People are noticing my "MOODS"........ I like so many other people here have 3 blown out discs..... So I started using Hydros to "manage" the pain... Because REMOVING 3 discs is not an option due to lack of good insurance.... So I bit the bullet and this is day 12...... Of Being CLEAN.....What I did not understand was how totally F'd Up Outta my mind with ummm "Emotional" ISSUES I was going to be..... To add another major problem....... I have for some time been dealing with my Teeth Going South..... Again two nights ago another tooth "Went Bad"..... Gotta LOVE THAT PAIN! So Im Faced with Needing Upper and Lower Dentures... At a cost of over 5 GRAND!!!!!! Which I don't have....Because My Insurance IS AN FING JOKE! And even if I had FIVE GRAND FOR TEETH...... What the hell do I do for that pain?!?!?!?!?!!
Sorry If Im Ranting..... I just feel like the walls are closing in........I Feel Like A "Lab Rat"....... Honestly I have not had terrible "Cravings" but I'm not gonna lie...... I feel like my ability to deal with day to day BS was much better when I was eating Hydros like candy......... I KNOW thats NOT REALITY...... Im Just Sayin.......
Everything is messing with my head lately.... It's like I have lost my ability to cope.... WITH EVERYTHING! How the hell do you guys stay sane? Seriously..... How do you function at work???? How do you show up and ACT NORMAL??? What do you do when you seriously need to take something for REAL PAIN..... ? Like Teeth Problems...... Or 3 Discs that should be removed......
I just feel like Im going to loose it and smash some one in the face. I have read that it takes all kinds of time to get feeling better....... And that would be great if I did not have to work...... Im afraid Im Going To Snap At Work.....   I feel like I'm 8 years old.... And I want Mommy to fix my problems.......Its INSANITY......
The rate Im Going I'll likely have a stroke..... or WORSE. I know you ALL OUT THERE DONT HAVE ANY SIMPLE MAGIC BULLET ANSWERS....... Which begs the question?? WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN POSTING THIS GARBAGE?
And The ANSWER....... NO CLUE. I feel like Im hanging by a thread......... I DO NOT WANT TO FAIL...... But I dont feel like I can WIN..... It's un real what this **** has done to my life...... I guess when your NUMB most of the time life is easy...... But this???????? NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW......................... THIS IS BEYOND GRIM.......... I dont know how you guys get through this........ Cause I'm At My Witts End........
----SORRY FOR THE RANT.......  And I dont mean to sound like Im throwing a Pity Party For Myself....... I JUST CANT DEAL.
15 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
1549414 tn?1361790288
If you cant do one day at a time, minute by minute is great bro.  Remember the message I sent you, He will do mighty things, and He just gave u a small taste from what u told me bro.  Happines is there. You know what to do and I'll send one out to Him for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey dude do whatever it takes to not use your right there where your addiction is screaming at you your brain wants it endorphins and you cut off the supply try working out after work exeorsize produce natural endorphins and will help jump start your brain
good nutrition helps to go to walmart and pick up saome whey protein shake mix they got 2 kids both are good one is 15 buck the other is 20 buck there loaded with vitamins and essential amino acids along with the protein all of witch your brain needs to heal the chocolate flavor is good all you do is mix it with milk you can just use a spoon with the 15 buck stuff the 20 buck stuff needs a blender give it a try you will start to feel better real soon it was a lifesaver for me hand in there even if you got to do it a min at a time good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      
Helpful - 0
1547887 tn?1298863951
Im Hanging ............. I'm living minute by minute a good portion of the day.....
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
How ya hanging in there Rikki? Was today any better for you?
Helpful - 0
1547887 tn?1298863951
Thanks for all your support....
-Rikki
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
One other thing that us addicts tend to forget is that everyone has bad days. Non addicts have them also but they know how to push through and realize that tomorrow will probably be better. As addicts we aren't use to dealing with bad days because we would just pop a few pills and forget about our problems. We haven't had to deal with our problems head on for quite some time and we forgot how to push through. We are so use to the instant fix. It takes some time but you will figure out what to do with these uncomfortable emotions again. They are part of everyone's life. The key is to accept them and figure out how to hit them head on. Every feeling in life isn't great but at least when we are clean we can actually feel. Trust me when I say it does get easier with time although the first few weeks are the toughest. I noticed a huge difference between two weeks clean and three weeks clean. By thirty days I felt about 95% back to my old self. I know right now thirty days seems like an eternity but look at the big picture. Christmas is already 17 days behind us. Your thirty day mark will be here before you know it.

Hang in there. Living clean is worth every second of the pain we have to endure to get to where we feel good again. If it wasn't none of us here would still be in recovery.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hey dude you need to take a step back and regroup sound like you had one of those days we all get them....early on in sobriety your emotions are going to be all over the place its pritty normal where your at as for the pain Brian is  right its rebound pain that your brain is amplifying so it can get you to use give it some time and things will smooth out I dont think there is anybody that dident want to give up in early recovery its your addiction talking
right now you need to focus on getting into some form of aftercare a good N/A meeting will do you a world of good and help you sort out your thoughts I suffer also with bad disks in my back so I know with time the pain can be managed with ibuprofine or aleve you just got to give your brain a chance to heal so otc stuff will work again you got 12 days that a great start dont throw it away...your addiction will spiral compleatly out of control chasing the high and never finding it stick it out you will have better days ahead but theres going to be some ruff ones in there to  hang in there and keep posting good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hang in there man......I know it is tough and you are going through the post withdrawal blues.  We used to be able to pick up the pill bottle and all would be fine.  Now we are forced to actually deal with our situations.  For me the worst part of withdrawal is about where you are now, you are past most of the physical affects and have the lingering mental ones.  Your post reminded me of a lot of post's I used to make.  I have detoxed more times than I can remember and I would like to think that I am my own expert when it comes to getting clean the most efficient way possible.  Everyone above is correct in the sense that you need to get at least a month under your belt to see how you REALLY feel sober.  Your brain right now is like a car that had run out of gas and is trying to start again....It chokes and sputters but finally gets back to an even idle.  Once you get to that even idle you will look back and see how horrible life on pills really is.  

If you are fairly new to pills (1-2 years) let us tell you that it gets a lot worse.  You start chasing that first time high, your tolerance goes up, you start asking people whom which you would never ask before if they know someone who has pills.  It will consume every waking minute of your existence one way or another.  You eventually have to come to grasp with the fact that one day good, bad, or indifferent you will have to stop taking them.  Each day, week, month, or year that goes by using will make it harder and harder to stop.

Many have mentioned it but check out the amino therapy pages.....Also, for me personally I am convinced that protein shakes two or three a day and as much exercise as you can get, along with a strong multivitamin is the key to a speedy recover....Anyways, looks like you have a lot of good info from other posts....Good luck and God bless!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sup Rick, thanks for the inbox note dude. Man, I don't even know what to say. My experience is similar to yours. Suck *** insurance. Dental emergencies. Back feeling like I've been laying on the interstate. Sux. Yup. But I think its better than looking in the mirror at a using junkie. At least that's what I saw myself as before I quit. Now I see a non using junkie, which is a bit better I guess. Wow that came out totally wrong but I'm not gonna delete all that so oh well.

Guess what I'm trying to say is, something grabbed your attention and you realized that you had a problem and you needed to stop. And you did, on a dime! That's something to be proud of. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you, so you gotta be proud of yourself. Are you still taking 5HTP? That stuff is amazing. It helps tremendously with mind chemistry.

Personally I'm doing well emotionally. Not really craving. Feel positive emotionally. Actually my mental clarity is at an all time high. I'm much more conversational with people. I seem better at work. Definitely more motivated. Wood. Appetite. Sex drive. List goes on. Basically the good things that have returned far outweigh the bad things while using. Still get Body aches, yeah, but $5 on Motrin lasts me a week, as opposed to a $5 norco that last a couple hours. Im not an expert on this sh!t by any means, just taking it day by day. Good and bad. Try to remember what made you want to stop in the first place. Maybe that will help you in the really tough times of this. It helps me. Good luck bro. God bless.
Helpful - 0
1531526 tn?1330736076
Hey there. This is a bad day for you. Probably when it seems like it won't get worse too. I know, just like almost everyone here, what it is to be an addict and have legitimate pain. It seems like it's not fair being and addict and being in so much pain all the time. I know you said that your insurance $ucks..that's no fun. But you should try and go to physical therapy and get some tips form them, and then see what you can do at home as far as what they can recommend. I have a few sources of pain, and I know back pain is one that really $ucks bad. I know people keep posting and you keep reading this, and if you're like me, probably you're rolling your eyes at it..but, a lot of what you feel is rebound pain. Your body, when taking all the hydros, stopped being able to naturally fight off pain. It got so used to the pills and their effect, that without them a paper cut feels like your thumb is being sawed in half. And I have a high tolerance for pain. So add the pills to a high tolerance, and it screws everything up..

Your addiction didn't go from 0 to 60 in 2 days, and unfortunately, it works the same in reverse. Your addiction doesn't just suddenly stop. You have to deal with it the rest of your life. But the pain will slowly (Sllloowwwwly) go down. You just have to be patient with it, and in the mean time, do all you can to relieve it naturally. A heating pad is always on my back when I sit down, ice helps some people since heat will make things swell sometimes, stretching is something that works well for me (i have 2 slipped discs, they $uck, don't they!!!!!) before bed and when I get up in the a.m., sleep on your back if you can, or on your side sleep with a pillow or 2 between your legs - it will align your spine, motrin or aleve, hot baths, hot showers, and even though you probably don't feel like it exercise does help. A lot of people with back pain swear by yoga although I've never tried, but like I said, stretching is a good thing. Maybe google what some good stretches are for the discs you have slipped. But I also wonder if your insurance would cover some PT? That would be awesome if it did. None of these are quick fixes, sorry :( but over time they should help and just letting some time pass will allow your body to heal and fight pain the natural way.

Again, I didn't want to believe anyone when they said that this was rebound pain, after all I had bad pain before taking the pills so why would it all of a sudden go away now? But it did. It took a while, but it did. Your body's systems were slowed down when taking all the pills. Now they're in a little bit of a shock, but things will even out soon. And that goes for everything, including the anxiety you're feeling right now. It seems like it'll be forever or maybe never until you can smile again, be happy again, be functional and not think about pills every second of every day. But soon you'll catch yourself in a conversation and go 'hey, I didn't think about pills for that whole conversation', then soon it'll be a few hours and you'll have not thought about them and then it's half a day, and so on. It happens, but it's very gradual.

So write today off as a bad day. Things will get better, and no lies - you will have more bad days. But just know that this way you're feeling is better than where you'd be at if you kept escalating your pill use. The physical pain that you have is most likely not as bad as all the bad things that were happening to you and everyone you love while you were using. I know it seems a lot easier to just go back to the hydros. But take it from me, someone who relapsed a lot, that it's never easier. Sure you may get some pain relief (think about the fact that the hydros didn't completely take away the pain), and a fuzzy feeling for a few minutes..then it's taking more to get that feeling, and upping the dosage when your body gets used to it, and so on..it's a vicious cycle that won't stop until you stop. Make the downward spiral face upwards now. Fight through this and you'll be happy you did. If you relapse, you'll just end up where you are now, only faster and with more damage done to yourself and others. Chin up, it will get better with time. Keep going, we all are behind you and know that you can do this! ..it's your addiction talking when you are using anything to rationalize using again. I know you have pain, a lot of us do. But again, ask yourself what hurts more...? Take care, sorry I'm so long winded!!! You can do it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey give yourself a break, your being way too hard on yourself and your 12 days in which is AWESOME!! Give yourself the credit you deserve. Your freshly detoxed, trying to get your bearings, dealing with emotions that have been numbed up for a long time and working! This is going to take time to feel ok and your going to endure some really rough patches for a bit. What are you doing for aftercare? You really need to get into some kind of recovery program if you haven't already. Get to a meeting asap and you will leave that meeting feeling empowered and it will help put it all into perspective.

I hope you continue to post. Don't give up yet! You went through hell to get here don't turn back. Pills are not the answer to anything and they'll just keep destroying your mind, body and soul so stay strong and please get some kind of aftercare going if you haven't already.
Helpful - 0
1481358 tn?1288295091
Rikki. Its your friend up the road. Dude you are having it tough and I give you credit for caving. There has to been some good things starting to go your way. If I remember some of your posts you were or sounded happy. Just being happy. Dont take those good days for granted cause your gonna have the crappy ones too. Not sure how much the hydros cost ya but a daily pill abit times 3 or 4 months is about 4k 5k. That will solve that. The pain, thats the killer man. I dont have pain so on that I cant speak. I understand thats a big deal. Give it some more time man. I know wds are painful too. Keep your head up.Sorry I dont the pain answer for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi, its wanna, we both quit at the same time, (but i have already relapsed), when i read your post i totally know how you feel, the anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, hell making it through the physcial (the first week) was a breeze, it wasnt no picnic, but hell, i felt halfway ok.  But the triggers is what gets me, i thought i had this job, then the day before im supposed to come in, they say soryy we hired someone else that was ahead of you....ok, then, in the same day i find out from Workmans Comp (i have had a claim with them for over 5 months, hurt my back at work) DENYING my claim, and i have been going to a chropractor for 2 - 3 times a week, I HIT the roof, im trying to get it straightened out with getting medical records to them......but talk about stress, i would have to find some way to pay them.  Im trying to slow down on smoking, but it seems like bad news all the time.  The weather here has been unbearable (your so luck to live in FL), its about -17 outside, and it warms up to a whopping 0 -3 in the day, i love my walks with my dog for stress reflief, but im locked up in this house, hell my truck wont even barely start.  I HATE winters up here, it SUCKSSSSSS.  I know about the tooth pain too, i have four bad ones on top that need to go, because the bone is almost gone.  They tell ya not to drink either, hell, im having a glass of wine now, at least it helps calm me down.  Seems like the moods really swing without the pills.  So I am soooo proud of you for not using, i have, i said, this is just too much right now, i cant even watch tv programs i want, the husband is in charge, and he has been treating me like s_____ lately.  I am about at my whits end, my appointment is next week out of town, i had to dig into my retirement just to pay bills, etc,,so im getting me a room the nite before, and relaxing, taking myself to dinner and just get away, if the roads arent black ice, so Rikki, i really dont know how the counselors stay sane with all the pressures in this life,,,,,i dont handle stress well, and my blood pressure hits the roof when im really upset, last time it was well over 200 over something,,,,my mother died of a stroke, and i hope it doesnt happen to me yet, im too young.  So nice to see you post, and post back,,,,kkkk  thinking of you, sorry i have no advice, i just totally understand your ranting, dont blame ya a bit....take care bud.  Oh my appointment is with a neurol surgeon, bad discs too..................
Helpful - 0
1432897 tn?1322959537
Sorry to hear yer having a tough time.  You are not alone.  I have back issues too which cause a lot of discomfort in the legs and feet.  I manage the pain through stretching and exercise along with advil or tylenol.  Occasionally I need a muscle relaxer which my neighbor holds onto for me.  

Times like this are when I am grateful for what I have been taught in recovery.  When I first started getting clean I was told that being clean was my top priority.  Without that I would lose everything anyway.  I looked into some programs and found I qualified for disabilty.  This allowed me to take some time to focus soley on getting sobered up.  Going to mtgs and developing a network helped and continues to help me a lot.  There a days where I have a tough time coping and I am blessed with ppl to vent at or get solutions to problems.

I have to keep in mind that I didn't get eft up over night and I'm not going to get better over night.  I need to do the best I can today to not make things worse.  I think it is great that you reached out and are being honest about the way you feel.  Please don't give up now.  You have come along way.  The thinking and feelings you have now are our diseases way of getting us to use again.  So often we say I give up and turn back to the abuse that got us in the postion we are in.  This is true insanity.  What we need to do is give up and turn in another direction.  A direction where we can find the strength to endure and the peace that comes from doing the right thing.  God Bless!!
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
I too have back problems due to an injury while in Iraq while serving in the Marine Corps so I know the pain you are experiencing. I finally had to decide which caused me more pain. Was it the physical pain of my back or the mental pain of dealing with my active addiction? For me it ended up being an easy choice. Not saying it has been easy at all but my life is so much better now that I'm clean.

Trust me when I say that a lot of the pain you are probably experiencing right now is rebound pain. When we stop using our brain makes a minor ache feel like we just got hit by a truck. Your brain is doing this in order for you to give in and give it what it wants. Eventually your brain will realize that you aren't giving in and it will start treating that pain with the natural chemicals your body already has.

Twelve days is great!!! Hopefully here one day soon you will really notice a turn for the better not only in your pain but also with your mood. It will happen but you have to give time. Wish there was some way to help but really it mainly takes time.

Have you checked into the amino acid protocol? Have you been doing any exercise? I'm not sure how much exercise you can do with your back being the way it is right now but even light exercise like walking will help. What about meetings? You'd be surprised how much better they make you feel. They could really make a difference in your mood. There is no cure for addiction so we have to do everything we can to keep it in remission.

Keep hanging in there. You will reach a day when you can honestly say you are glad you are clean. It will probably be one of the toughest fights you have ever had to fight to get to that day but it is worth every second of the pain we have to endure along the way.

Don't be sorry for venting. That's what we are here for! It does help to get it all out.

Best of luck! I'm pulling for you!

Brian
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.