I cant do this

[Nance777]

Day 16- and now what?  feel like f'n crap.....depressed, anxiety, angry, irritable..i thought it would get better once the physical symptoms subsided...its only gotten worse mentally...I commend the ones who say they feel great clean, they have their life back, they are happy, etc...its not me.....I just feel I  have no life now and nothing to look forward to......I dont think I am the type of person who can feel good without anything...I had to go to the bank, and felt like running my truck into a pole.....Thanks to everyone who tried to help me and offered advice, and I hope u all continue to do great with ur recovery/detox etc....

[NoOC123]

Glad you've got your guard up. It never ceases to surprise me how cunning this whole addiction/disease thing is. At five months sober I told myself everyday that if I used once I would be right back to where I was, I looked at all the things I was grateful for, all the things I had in life now. I was doing so well, and within a matter of weeks, I went back to using. It was slow at first, I had all these justifications rationalizations and excuses, first it was just, "I just want to drink, I wont use pills," then it was, "well if i take a pill here and there in a social setting then its not addictive using, its just normal and thats fine." Then it was like, "well its just the weekends, as long as its not affecting anything in my life, its okay, i wont let it get bad." And bam before I knew it I was so far idown in the grips of my addiction, waking up dope sick, needing it everyday. I look back now in reflection and am just baffled by the "insanity of the disease" I mean It was like something else took over me when I started relapsing. I had had clean time before and I relapsed and I knew what to watch for and yet i did teh SAME EXACT THING with the same excuses and everything and guess what, it led me back to the SAME EXAXT PLACE of addiction.

It's mind blowing when I think about it. The enormity of the disease, I mean I know that me against my addiction will never work, not in the long run, i've got to find other support.

ANyways, that was a little rant, but my main point is just always be aware. If you notice any bad thinking tell someone, say it out loud, our secrets can kill us. You can do this, I didn't mean to sound like a debbie downer, I was more just reflecting on how cunning this is, so always be aware. Youre doing great, keep going forward.!!

ANd the one day at a time is the best way to go. Don't discredit anything, reward yourself each day. Remind yourself that today you didn't lie to anyone, you didn't sneak around, you didnt feel the guilt. You were honest decent good person. You didn't use drugs. Don't ever discredit that stuff, it's huge!

[Nance777]

Thanks!  This is my 2nd time trying to get off these pills,,,The first time I was clean for only 6 weeks and then started again, thinking I can just take a half a percocet at bedtime...which led back to taking Vicodins, Lortabs, & Percocets every hr or 2 all day long!  So I think I know better this time that I can't play around with taking any, or I will be back where I started,,,and I dont ever want to go thru the physical sickness and mental stuff again....but for now I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes, and if I feel like using again or even before I get to that point, I will try counseling or some type of follow up care

[NoOC123]

Im glad you made it through. I have to agree that the mental side of this has always been far worse than the physical side for me. Its that depression and anxiety and lack of motivation and energy that always took me to my wit's end. But like you said, around three weeks I always felt a bit of a turning point, and by a month or month and a half I was in the clear, the depression lifted and I truly felt better. Like real excitement and pure freedom in life. Not waking up dope sick, being able to go about my day without worrying if I had enough oxycontin to last so I wouldnt get sick. In hind sight, it's really no way to live. There is so much more out there and everytime you use your world shrinks. I am so happy to hear you made it through the rough patch. There are also some things you can do for depression, i've used 5-HTP in the past and it actually always really helped for me. Anyways, congrats, don't let this beat you, you are stronger than this, and you can have the life thats out there when you arent on drugs. Don't give up!

[ImDONENoMore]

CONGRATS to you nance!!!  Great to hear this - you wait you're going to continue to see more and more improvements and I'm excited for you!!  Day 21 - that is FANTASTIC!!  :)

[Nance777]

Well, I havent been on for 5 days or so, but just wanted to say that today is Day 21, and actually today was the first day I felt a little better, had some energy and some hope!  And I didnt relapse when I was feeling really bad,,,,Thanks to all who posted to me, u were right, I just had to wait it out......The sleeping thing is still not great, 3-4 hrs or maybe less, but I am dealing with it, hoping that soon I will be able to sleep normally,,,,Got some kind of natural herbal thing I will try tonite, as the Benadryl or Xanax really didnt make me tired at all,,,,,So for all those in the early days of withdrawal and feeling totally hopeless like I was, it DOES get better, not perfect but better and I feel better now today than I did on 3 yrs straight of the pills,,,,,so hang in there

[ImDONENoMore]

It's possible to have that courage - all you have to do is BELIEVE you have it and good things will follow.  :)

[dovecat]

You can do this. I wish I had the courage to be 16 days clean.

Take Care,
Laura

[usarmymedic1]

Even in the face of the severe crisis confronting humanity today, I cannot side with the advocates of apocalypse. Rather than the spurs and promptings of fear, we can best negotiate the challenges we face when guided by a vision of hope..

Our hopes, desires and ambitions are powerful forces existing within us for the shaping of the future. They are the generating forces that create the future. To lose hope or give up one's goals because of the setbacks of the moment is to diminish one's own life potential. Hopes, dreams, faith and a sense of mission enable us to open up our lives..

When we limit ourselves with low expectations, the growth of the tree of happiness ceases. The power of growth, of improvement, the power to overcome all stagnation and break through every obstacle and transform a barren wasteland into a verdant field--that unstoppable power of hope resides right within your own heart. It wells up from the rich earth of your innermost being when you face the future without doubt or fear: "I can do more. I can grow. I can become a bigger and better human being." Life is a never-ending struggle to grow..

No matter what kind of difficult situation one may find oneself in, some opening, some opportunity to fight one's way out, can always be found. What's most important is to hold fast to hope, to face the future with courage..

What you are feeling is the mind still chaseing the drug you need to seek help from some were. there is a medication called clonidine it is a blood persure med but it helps wounders with the anxitiy

stay strong
medic1

[criminy1]

Keep pushing nance! Put a few more days in and you might feel 100% different. Its worth a try!

[Dav125]

Hey, from about the 8th day to the 22nd to 25th, things seem to be stuck in this "same old, same old" with sleep still not the best, the anxious thoughts about "when will it get better, etc..Its what I went thru and I think most go thru..It is a major mental challenge getting thru this part. The first week we kinda knew why we felt bad as the physical stuff was doing overtime. But when that passes, its hard to find a reason we can have in our head for the continuing anxiety, sleep issues and such..Its just the reality of the normal course of wd's..Hang in there..In a week this will change much more noticibly for the better..Its a waiting game of sorts..Just breath, try to find things to occupy your mind during the days and get them behind you..It does get better..Don't dwell in it..This phase will pass soon...I know what you feel and how its hard to feel any hope. This "pause" period really is a bear to deal with but look beyond it. Next week will be here soon. And things will be better..They were for me when I got past the three week mark and made real fast improvement after the 25th day...:0

[abritt121222]

Hang in there like everyone sais the physical withdrawal is not always the worst part of getting clean because your mind is making you mad and depressed and all of that so you will do exactly what you are talking about and relapse but think about it it is just not worth it because you will have to go thru this again if you do go back to the drugs and you are so far along with 16 days so my best advice if you havent already done it is to seek aftercare like N/A or something along those lines because you know better than to even thnk you cant be happy unless you have meds because you were not always on meds and now just like every addict they control your life jsut hang in there and be strong you are almost through the worst of it and trust me even just coming on here and talking when you feel like you do now will help you get thru this but you can do it and please just hang in there you will be happy again and alot happier than when you were using

Good Luck and Godspeed
ABritt