Aa
I feel unhealthy...what can I do to stop this cycle?
I guess I should preface this post by explaining my history. In early 2006 I had surgery and was given hydrocodone for the pain. Unbeknownst to me, I have a family history of extreme sensitivity to these types of pain killers, but I just kept on taking my 4 or so pills a day and everything felt fine, until I tried to stop. Even after only about 2 weeks of being on the pills, I came to realize that I was addicted, and when I stopped taking them I fell into withdrawal.
It was an absolutely horrible experience, probably the most painful time of my entire life. My relationships with family and friends were stretched to the limits, my grades in school fell, and I basically had to take a month off to rehab myself. Even after surviving the withdrawal, I was put on other drugs to combat the after-effects of my addiction; zoloft for depression (150mg/day), lorazepam for anxiety(1mg), and ambien for insomnia(5mg). I am still on all of these drugs as of now.
What I'm trying to say through this whole post is that I still don't feel healthy with my mind and body. I abuse the things at my disposal in an attempt to feel something, but then I still don't. For example, before going out with some friends last night, I took a lorazepam with 1/3 of a bottle of wine and smoked two cigarettes out of my apartment window so that my roommate wouldn't smell the smoke. And yet, I felt nothing. The only good words I can think of to describe it are a dull, lifeless, numbing sensation.
I am not sure what to do at this point. I can't complain, because I'm not in pain, but I'm also not happy. Help.
It was an absolutely horrible experience, probably the most painful time of my entire life. My relationships with family and friends were stretched to the limits, my grades in school fell, and I basically had to take a month off to rehab myself. Even after surviving the withdrawal, I was put on other drugs to combat the after-effects of my addiction; zoloft for depression (150mg/day), lorazepam for anxiety(1mg), and ambien for insomnia(5mg). I am still on all of these drugs as of now.
What I'm trying to say through this whole post is that I still don't feel healthy with my mind and body. I abuse the things at my disposal in an attempt to feel something, but then I still don't. For example, before going out with some friends last night, I took a lorazepam with 1/3 of a bottle of wine and smoked two cigarettes out of my apartment window so that my roommate wouldn't smell the smoke. And yet, I felt nothing. The only good words I can think of to describe it are a dull, lifeless, numbing sensation.
I am not sure what to do at this point. I can't complain, because I'm not in pain, but I'm also not happy. Help.
The newest anti-depressants (like Zoloft) are generally short-term and corrective in nature. Thus, you aren't 'under the influence of it', it, like antibiotics, is addressing something psyiologic. Just my opinion.
Jaxa, what wonderful advice and how beautifully said. I hope that instead of picturing myself in a room so completely filled with balloons that I cannot see, I can let them out the window and make them fly away.
with the meds you are taking, a doctors advice is very good; take some time to enjoy something you like and just stay in that enjoyment a while; when thoughts/worries/anxieties come in consider them as helium balloons you can just let go of--you don't have to hang on, wonder why and how many and what color you are getting, just let them go
--jaxa
--jaxa
Thank you for your replies, Jaxa and Arlingtonaddict. I know I need to give it more time and try to be less hard on myself, but that's just my personality so it's a very hard thing to combat. I am going to make an effort though, you can count on that. I am considering asking my therapist if I should stop taking the Zoloft. I've been on it for about 9 months at this point and I somehow feel that it's done everything it's going to do. I also feel like it's keeping me from truly experiencing life.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I look forward to getting to know you better and will definitely be staying in this community.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I look forward to getting to know you better and will definitely be staying in this community.
I have no idea why but every time I used the word "you" it chnaged it to "ads" ?? So read as this.
I know exactly what you mean. If life were a movie, it'd be a grainy black and white movie with uninteresting characters and a vague plot line. Drugs work on a particular neurotransmitter. In so doing, in activating these neurons, it also INHBITS the production of other neurotransmitters. When the drug is out of our system, our body (including our brians) begins to heal, to correct itself. However, this is also why using these drugs 'stops working' long before we stop. Our brains are tired out, it takes more and more to activate the exhausted neurons.
So, w/d is both the body's response to the loss of the drug but, also and related, the body's 'condition' in the wake of things
We also have to consider what type of life we had before the drugs. No matter what our route to addiction, we were prone to the abuse and, usually, not JUST genetically. Did we have behaviors and make choices that created situations in which we were unhappy? Did we struggle with depression and/or mood swings that the drugs started off helping (getting high) and then?
The first three days of w/d were awful. Terrible. But, also, phsyiologic in nature. Once I began to feel better, I began to be faced with the 'emotonal shambles' by soul, self (whatever you want to call it) was in. It seems I beat the sh*t outta myself while I was high and, upon coming off the high AND outta the fog, I only then realized it. And this became the hard part.
I feel flat. I don't feel enthusiastic about anything, excited about anything, compelled by anything. It feels as though my soul could not be moved with a bulldozer and I spent many 'clean' years saving the world--the homeless, animals, wildlife--and it was a GENUINE commitment, excitement, conviction. I was ALIVE. Now, I couldn't get excited about front row tickets to a Prince concert (and that's huge--I even have a purple scrapbook from when I was in my teens but I'm a freak, although not a stalker for the record--ha, ha).
This is something that comes back. And, sorta like a shadow, you know it's there, it's coming bt if you turn around to look at it, it's gone. In other words, if you can 'fake it til you make it', pick things you used to like and act 'as if' you do. Behavior chnages thoughts and feelings--NOT, as many would beleieve, the other way around. Sorta like when folks come here froma foreign country and they learn what to 'do' to survive long before they begin to, if ever, adopt the culture, etc.
Beavior first.
In a way, the concept of some therapies seem like you go in and sita nd talk until you chnage, your moods is better, whatever and THEN you go out and do all you couldn't do before. But it's not linear like this.
This much I know is true. Jessica
PS WELCOME
So, w/d is both the body's response to the loss of the drug but, also and related, the body's 'condition' in the wake of things
We also have to consider what type of life we had before the drugs. No matter what our route to addiction, we were prone to the abuse and, usually, not JUST genetically. Did we have behaviors and make choices that created situations in which we were unhappy? Did we struggle with depression and/or mood swings that the drugs started off helping (getting high) and then?
The first three days of w/d were awful. Terrible. But, also, phsyiologic in nature. Once I began to feel better, I began to be faced with the 'emotonal shambles' by soul, self (whatever you want to call it) was in. It seems I beat the sh*t outta myself while I was high and, upon coming off the high AND outta the fog, I only then realized it. And this became the hard part.
I feel flat. I don't feel enthusiastic about anything, excited about anything, compelled by anything. It feels as though my soul could not be moved with a bulldozer and I spent many 'clean' years saving the world--the homeless, animals, wildlife--and it was a GENUINE commitment, excitement, conviction. I was ALIVE. Now, I couldn't get excited about front row tickets to a Prince concert (and that's huge--I even have a purple scrapbook from when I was in my teens but I'm a freak, although not a stalker for the record--ha, ha).
This is something that comes back. And, sorta like a shadow, you know it's there, it's coming bt if you turn around to look at it, it's gone. In other words, if you can 'fake it til you make it', pick things you used to like and act 'as if' you do. Behavior chnages thoughts and feelings--NOT, as many would beleieve, the other way around. Sorta like when folks come here froma foreign country and they learn what to 'do' to survive long before they begin to, if ever, adopt the culture, etc.
Beavior first.
In a way, the concept of some therapies seem like you go in and sita nd talk until you chnage, your moods is better, whatever and THEN you go out and do all you couldn't do before. But it's not linear like this.
This much I know is true. Jessica
PS WELCOME
don't be afraid of weakness; consider it a gift that leads you to humility, which is a very good starting place for reaching out for things that bring light/goodness into your life
believe me, beating yourself up over weakness hurts; try letting go and not judging yourself so harshly
you had strength enough to reach out here; hold onto that
-jaxa
believe me, beating yourself up over weakness hurts; try letting go and not judging yourself so harshly
you had strength enough to reach out here; hold onto that
-jaxa
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