I have fallen from Grace........

Question

HI everybody.....God I have dreaded writing this letter to you all ......It is a hard pill for me to swallow but I have flushed over 7yr clean time down the drain and over 950 days clean to my arch enemy methadone
this relapse cought me off guard I wasent chasing the high like you would expect but rather tring to get some sleep with prescribed medication.....I first realized it was starting to become a problem a few mo ago when my prescription ran short....rather then take not to the early warning sign I let it go till it got bad and I ran my script out 10 days early the really sad part was dr Mark was double prescribing and still wasent sleeping.....any time we dont take meds as prescribed where abusing them ......as of right now I have 64 days clean and am working with a sponsor and doing 90 meeting in 90 days with N/A to ground myself again....I apologize to all who take the time to read this but just to let all of you know its not the amount of clean time that keeps you clean but rather your support system with aftercare that keep you going this night job has cost me much but now my clean time because of it I stopped going to church bible study home group and even seeing my substance abuse counselor.....I let my whole world fall apart around me no support just me going it alone......I was destine for failure.....anyway the last 64 days I have been taking care of me now it time for me to give back again I look forward to serving all you great people fellow addicts please try to learn from my mistake all I want to do is put this behind me and move forward in my recovery step 9 here we come thanks for your time your friend and fellow addict......Mark

lulu747 · Answer

Hi Mark,

You have most certainly NOT fallen from Grace.  I understand that you are disappointed in yourself but please don't be hard on yourself.  Lack of sleep can make anyone irrational, emotional, and susceptible.  This was just a blip in the radar of your awesome journey in this life, so I hope that you are able to learn from it and then just let it go.  Look at it as a wake up call for needing to practice better self care.  You deserve all the love, all the happiness, and all the health in the world, my friend.  Sending you lots of love and wishing you peace.

xo
Lu

marycarmel · Answer

Even the best fall down sometimes.  I am happy you have 64 days clean time.  Mark, you have been a savior to so many, myself included.  You have a lot on your plate.  Working the shift you had, would bring anyone to their knees.  You are an inspiration to so many.  You'll be in my prayers.  I so hope you don't dwell on this too much.  I know it's a huge disappointment to you but you caught it in time and it certainly could have been far worse.

As hard as it is, Mark, take care of yourself.  You need to put yourself first or you can't help anyone.

All the best.  Thank you for sharing; I'm sure is was very hard.

Ballgame · Answer

I was wondering where you have been. You have helped so many people here we all owe you. I'm glad you posted. You're a good man, stay strong!

Fireby29 · Answer

Hi Mark,

I so appreciate your courage to make this post.  I have read so many of your posts since i first started skulking around here in December of 2011.  You have helped so many, including me.  I know you will come back even stronger, sending positive vibes your way.

Bryan

atthebeach · Answer

hey my brother, 
for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.
success has been and continues to be defined as getting up one more time than you’ve been knocked down.

cling to JESUS my friend, HE is all loving and all forgiving. 
HIS mercys are new every morning. HIS grace is sufficient for thee.
you have been forgiven.
you are loved. 
sending many hugs and prayers
debbie

meegWpaw · Answer

So sorry Gnarly but I've had a handful of relapses myself this past year and I know how hard it is to fall down and post here.  We are all behind you and here for you and we love and admire you.

Meegan

gnarly_1 · Answer

Thank you all for your kind words it helps take the sting out of this
this has been a real learning experience for me from the school of hard knocks your support is ausum .....I dont feel so all alone now
now I can put this behind me and move forward thanks a million your friend and fellow addict Mark

Pat1956100 · Answer

Thanks for posting this. It made me cry but I am just starting day 4 of being clean and I am very emotional. I too have learned so much from you.
You are such a kind man and have helped so many of us in our journey to freedom.  Your gentle, kind words always are full of encouragement no matter what and we all love and need you in this forum.
You beat meth, you can do anything.

Sarah11212 · Answer

You are my hero also!
We love you and know that this shouldn't be any different than if you have 7 years or 7 days clean.
You have helped so many ppl on this forum.
You are a remarkable person Mark!
Big  hugs!

fpvfembacktobreakfree · Answer

aww Gman im so sorry to read this but so glad ur gettin ya life back youve always been there for me and so many others youve always and forever will be my insperation i wanna be strong like u <3.. im so glad that youve let that weight off ya shoulders we all love u and r always here for u like u have been for so many others stay strong my dear friend congrats on 64 days ur killing it'll be 90 before long ((BIGGEST HUGS)) n so much love from ya girl in oz aj xoxoxoxoxoxox

littlebit667 · Answer

Not being able to sleep is probably one of the hardest things to live with day to day.  Lack of sleep keeps us from thinking clearly and remembering to be on guard..when all you want is a full night to feel better.  Mark, please take our well wishes to heart.  None of us are perfect and you above all deserve our respect and honor!  Telling us is a mark of that respect and that honor. I know a weight has been lifted and we lift you in positive thoughts and very well earned good wishes that you will beat this and continue to support us here as we want to support you!  Love to you and your family!!!!!!!

scaredmommy2005 · Answer

Mark, we love you and you are doing great. You helped me so much in the past and if there is anything we can do for you just let us know!

4adifferentlife · Answer

You got it, before it got you! You did not fall, from Grace, GOD had you the whole time, HE has  to let us test the waters,,that way we know, who pulls us back in... You might have stumbled but you didn't fall!! Now go back to church! And congratulations on all your clean time, it's an inspiration... GOD Bless You!

kyle505 · Answer

You're my hero; you mean so much to this forum. New folks get upset sometimes when after care and cutting sources are the focus of comments once their detox is over. They don't understand how the addict's mind works. Because of your bravery and honesty you've offered a rarely seen glimpse into that mind. Thank you.

Bkitty · Answer

It took a lot of courage for you to write this post. You recognized that you were in trouble and you put an action plan in place. Im sending lots of (((hugs))),,love and support your way Mark. I also know how hard it is to sleep when you have screwed up working hours. I had the same problem when I worked in the ICU night shift. It took years for me to recover from that and I too went thru the sleeping pills like candy. All I wanted was a good nights sleep. It wasnt until aftercare that I learned sleep hygeine and how important sleep was to my maintaing sobriety. I had to get rid of a lot of bad habits. Please know that I look up to you and just love the heck outta ya! im also proud of you for stepping up. ((hugs))~Bkitty

10356 · Answer

I agree with Sara, Mark.. This must be a huge weight lifted.. You only lost the days you did not loose the experience.. Congrats on 64 and for refocusing your efforts on support.. We are all here for you..
I have not posted clean days for I have been taking as prescribed with hubby holding them for a couple of months Not a lot Just some help. I do not plan on staying forever although I have No idea what I will do with my foot when I get off.. I have to be extra diligent on my thought process with them in the house but so far all is well.. Know I send good thoughts to you.. lesa

quitinoxys · Answer

Mark my friend it happens to the best of us and you ARE one of the best. This just affirms that AFTERCARE is extremely important part of recovery. You have helped me and countless others on this forum so keep on track you WILL be alright. I am praying for you and God is right there with you to help you get through this pothole on the road to recovery. God Bless---Rick

vicki595 · Answer

I blame all of this on that crazy schedule and the disruption in sleep cycles!

If I can do anything just send me a message but I know you'll be okay now. I'm glad you posted...everyone understands.

xoxo

dominosarah · Answer

I,m glad you finally posted this Mark.  There has to be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.  Keep doing what you are doing.  You are going to be alright.  Just keep reaching out.

Sonrissa · Answer

I am so truly sorry to read this! There are so many lessons for us all to learn, and to be reminded of every day! I respect and admire your courage! You have helped so many of us here! Please continue to do so! I will pray for you and I wish you Gods strength as you continue your journey! Take care, and be well!

conhall · Answer

Thank You for posting.  I read it twice and I am taking all you said to heart Its aftercare aftercare keep up on it. I am sorry you were struggling with sleep issues  Time to keep moving ahead Prayers for you and sending you all the support you need ((((hugs))))

selfinduced · Answer

Hey Mark, I know the courage it took to penn this note. You are and will always be so well respected, trusted and loved in this community. This situation you are in proves only that your human and noone, NOONE is exempt from the traps of addiction. Thanks for posting. Time to move ahead as you said and get back to biz as usual. Prayers, love and healing on its way. xo