I have to rid my life of this hell, meth

Question

I have to stop meth while working a good job and raising a beautiful child, I've been up and down this path meny times, AA, by myself, God, for myself, and for others. This time if I don't stop it is going to be too late. My kid will be 8 soon and I don't want to **** up thier life.. I feel if I can just stop now maybe my kid has a chance.. We have a chance. If I don't I'm screwed. But I still have to maintain my job, my apt., taking care of my child. I'm so scared and I can't just sleep for a week!!!! I need help like NOW. Please someone just tell me specifically what I can do. First off I can't really make it to meetings with my schedule, I want to try something else anyhow. So maybe something besides a 12 step program. Not that I don't agree with the importance and good they do I just have never been able to really jump onto the wagon of working the steps and all the AA/NA is my life thing. I just want to be a good parent and role model for my child.. Please someone help me

addlover · Answer

I feel your pain star 
I've been to countless NA AA meetings. And all of them had issues with my addiction problem. Either it was because i was on suboxone, or in an AA, meeting and not an alcoholic, or I wanted a signature of attendance.  They didn't feel comfortable signing for my attendance when I was on suboxone.  They told me to come back when I was serious.  I found one NA meeting that they said I could stay. But can't say I'm on suboxone
I found a church that had meetings called the most excellent way , similar to NA. but with a bible study
I love it, I've been going for over a year and also go to service Sunday mornings

jifmoc · Answer

I'm glad you recognize that you are making excuses. Good start. Again, walk into a meeting. (I went to AA because there are SO many while opiates are my only drug of choice.) It doesn't matter what the drug is, you will find out. You will come up with 100 more excuses before you even finish reading this. Just take action. Your mind will follow your body. What you are doing isn't working so do something else. Do what the people who are sober are telling you worked for them. Go to a meeting, literally, tonight or tomorrow.

Starlesssky · Answer

I always tell people that stopping isn't the hard part it's the stop starting that's the hard part. Anyone can quite for a day a week a month but to stop the starting, well that's the million dollar question, well for me. I know I need to get to a meeting, **** I know but how?! I can't take my son in there. He can't hear what I go to those meetings for, hell no. Just don't know anymore. I feel doomed

Starlesssky · Answer

Thank you both and you are right, I am looking for a miracle that I know won't come. I have been doing this **** for almost 20 years addicted for 16 years (can't believe it had been that long) and I have stopped and started and broke so meny pipes I can't count. I have felt the guilt of using for at least 10 years. Honestly I love  the 12 step programs but I have never really been able to commit to working the steps cause I have always smoked weed and I feel it is being dishonest.. I know it sounds like a cop out but it's true.. I haven't really connected with anyone at a meeting. I was going to AA My last go round at sobriety from meth (11 months!!) and even had a girl I got along with and was able to talk to. But being an AA meeting you have to say 'I'm an alcoholic' which was fine by me I know it's just a word but I felt comfortable saying addict alcoholic and some people didn't like that. I even had a lady say that that group wasn't for me because of the nature of my addiction.. And when I finally told the girl I felt I was close to that my drug of choice was meth and hinted at her possibly being my sponsor well she told me 'that **** is ****** up, you need to stop that ****' and that she was not sure if she could sponsor me because she was not sure she could relate to me due to my addiction. So needless to say I have a lot of excuses lol. Excuses yes but valid reasons I feel also. And with NA the only group close to me is closed down and honestly with work and my kids homework and dinner etc I feel like I don't have the time.. Again excuses but I can't deny him of those things that make him environment a stable one. I feel so ******* stuck.. I would do anything ANYTHING to be able to go to rehab but that seems impossible. I totally agree with the 12 steps I believe it can work.. I have the AA and NA books and a couple others. It's like I know what to do to stop.. Just ******* stop!! have a support group get rid of play things, people and places etc.. But actually applying that to myself, that's a whole different ball game.. It's like I have this self distruction device inside me that is about to explode and the debri will start polluting my son when it finally blows for good. I have health insurance now so I was thinking about trying some of the meds I heard about to calm cravings.. I can't just NOT  go to work though, I can't! The last time I tried to get sober a few months ago I couldn't stop crying in front of patients and almost had a breakdown a few times at work and I got sent home and I know it made them look at me different.. i have to stop this ********  no more stupid excuses no more masks. I know it will hurt on so meny different levels I know what to expect, I'm just so scared..

motye51 · Answer

According to what I just read....your looking for a miracle. You want to stop meth, not have to do work for it b/c of your job schedule and kids, etc....Do you get where I'm going with this???  It doesn't work like that....not if you truly want to quit. In order to quit you have to do something different....what your doing isn't working. How I quit....
1. Made the decision to quit Dec 31st, 2013
2. Started detoxing - at home!  Found more drugs in my purse and had my husband throw them out!  Stayed sick for a while ( I don't want to say how long b/c your w/d is probably going to be different as far as length of time...all drugs are different)
3. About 2/3 weeks in decided that if I could quit on my own, I would have done it 15 years ago...realized it wasn't a moral deficiency I had...it was a disease called addiction!  
4. Got my *** to N/A - jumped in head first - did the 90/90.
I have been clean approximately 2 years and 3 months. 

You have to put a program in place to ensure that you have tools in your tool belt to help you with not using in the future!  Getting clean is the easy part....staying clean is the hard part. If I may ask....what about N/A made you decide it wasn't for you?  I'm going to say this as well....
Once I realized that it wasn't b/c I was weak, or had no morals, or was just a **** person, and realized that addiction is a damn disease....it helped...tremendously! 
Keep posting....let us know where your at with this.

jifmoc · Answer

Hi Star, welcome. Your post is so telling. You say you are so desperate for help right now, while stating what you would rather not do and that it won't work. Are you really desperate? Then you need to be willing to do what people that are living sober suggest. Go into a meeting, sit down, and do what's suggested. Your way isn't working. Time to get humble and do what's not comfortable if you want change. There are many many meth addicts in the rooms, you aren't alone.