I have had this battle with myself for 2 years now, almost 3? During being preg, I had gotten laid off of a great job and needed a paycheck, was very knowledgeable about medical everything (love it and still do), and worked at a pain management. I woud be disgusted at the people that would come up with lies to get their meds early. I hated the smell of the poignant smoke that was on them all the time, the crazy lies they would tell to try to get more, getting **** thrown at me while i was pregs working the front desk, i judged these people. My mom is also very sick and has had a hard life and is on a million meds for a million things, and i hate it.
But after I had my son, I started having really bad back pain, had an MRI, and got on vics, then they changed it to percs and after I had several nerve roots blocks and a burning of the nerve treatment, i woke up from a procedure only to a script for oxy 30 mgs, when I was on 15 before the procedure- did I argue it? Hell no. Instead I said great, I'll just take half and always have some left over...of course that didnt last long and soon I was taking the 30s and now have been for a long, long time.
I am a normal person of society, a great mom, I'm smart, hard working, and I achieve what I want whether its through the job, or finishing school, or whatever I want- I truly believe if you put your mind to it, you can do it/get it. I have always ben a go getter over achiever, but not for anyone else but myself. So anyway, no one really knew I was on any type of special medication, except my sons father (who we are recently going through a split- even thogh he is one of the only people I can talk to abot all this, and trust). Of course he has seen the annoying side to bein on this medication, meaning the monthly appointments/**** tests/ and then pharmacies not having it, and if you dont get it in time and the sweats. But he has also seen the true debilitating pain that I get, if I dont have the medication for overnight.
So anyway, here I am, having a hard month with the break up, financially, some dumb **** went down t work (I am recnelty in sales and have been numebr one since I started- with that has come bitter, jealous woman trying to get me down), the break up, whatever, so yes, I finished this months meds early....and now here I am.
So now that you have the history, my problem is that no, I am not in a daze, I dont feel doped up and like I cant do **** when on meds. No one knows I'm on them, like I had said. I know I'm a great mom and a great person (I'm 26 by the way), but then there is this side of me that just feels GUILTY and embarassed for being on the meds, and then the hour or two they wear off and I get that burning pain all over....I am just terrified of stopping the meds and being in terrible, terrible pain ALL the time. I don't want to deal with that. I'm just so goddamn torn because I feel like I dont need a rehab, I am not an abuser. I just feel guilty, because I feel like "normal" people, even people with problems, dont have this problem...and I feel ashamed.
Please help and give me your stories...I am just at home crying and trying to figure out what I should do....while in pain :(
Oh, and I might add that I am on tramadol too that, no, is techncally not an opiate, but its an opiate substitute and I have been on it for years.......that gives you sweats and pain like no other. Just those two meds I'm on right now.