I need help understanding my boyfriends drug problem!

Question

To make a long story short, my boyfriend and I were together all through college (5 years), we broke up after school but stayed in contact. We were broken up for 3 years and he dated a girl who had a pill problem right before we rekindled. He and I got back together 8 months ago. Currently, we are long distance and he was making plans to move here in January. Last week, he told me that he developed an addiction to Oxycontin and that he began going to a methadone clinic to get help. I should mention that he had to tell me about his problem because I found a pill bottle prescribed to his ex girlfriend. I started asking questions because I had an idea that he was still talking to his ex throughout the last 8 months, he finally admitted that he kept talking to her because he needed pills and she had access, then I asked if he slept with her and he said yes, multiple times..he is showing remorse and cries to me everyday and told me that it was the addiction that made him still talk to her and that he threw away his life and mine and he will never forgive himself for what he did. He says he is so ashamed that this has happened. He let a drug control his life and he would have done anything to get the pills! He began therapy with a therapist and now he has to see a drug counsler twice a month with the methadone clinic, I am so proud of him that he is getting help. But I am beyond hurt and angry that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and I am having a hard time understanding how he could do this to me. I am trying not to be selfish and I am trying to understand what a drug addiction really means. I start therapy later this month and I have been reading articles and articles online about oxycontin addcition. I understand that the addiction makes people do anything to fulfil that need to get high regardless of the consequences. He has written me a letter professing his love for me and that he wants the chance to become the best thing in my life. In this letter, he explained what the drug did to him and how he felt on the drug, basically numb. But I am beyong hurt, I wont go into what this has done to me psychologically, but I am broken because he lied and cheated on me! How can I ever forgive him? There is a long road ahead for him and me, but I guess my question is, "Is it possible that the drug led him to cheat on me and is it really possible that he really loves me even though he did this to me"? He said that he kept talking to her because she could get him pills and he would do anything for pills (he told me he tried to end it several times but she threatened him with calling me and telling me everything that was going on), but I dont think that explains him sleeping with her, at all...am I wrong? Please help me understand!

jo_lost · Answer

My boyfriend is a recovering vicodin addict and had a relapse a couple months ago and hid it from me ,lied to me and made me feel absolutely crazy, every manipulative tacktik in the book: deflection, projection,etc I found proof finally and now to keep me from leaving he a all about recovery and going to NA on top of the Suboxone he a already been taking. My problem is the betrayal. We a had a month separation last January because we were just so unhappy and low and behold it's because he is a vicodin addict, and there was some strong accusations of infidelity which I found out from his fellow employees and then approached him and he copped to the addiction. I never realized because we are bartenders and tend to drink. So I always just thought his behavior was due to that. This was at the 2.5 year mark. Now we re almost at 3.5 years . I felt so betrayed : up until the first separation I was paying our bills because he supposedly wasn't making money and was so depressed. I was working two jobs. So part of me moving back in was him giving it up and carting his weight, And really getting his life together. But it was a short fix and he relapsed and lied to me point blank about it when I started seeing the signs about two months ago . I feel terrible that he is going through this, but I'm considering leaving him . If he really wants to recover he ll get the help he needs without me enabling him right?? I'm just so lost. I love him but when is enough enough? I think right now I just really do to trust him.

mr.lucky66 · Answer

I don't mean to be a killjoy but I must inject some reality. Methadone maintenece can be helpfull but also can turn into a much worse addiction. While he's on methadone he can make some changes but really can't deal with the addiction until he is drug free. I wish you and he all the best

rue10 · Answer

Just remember to take care of youself as well.  Your physical and emotional well being is very important right now.

Also remember that someone can prove they are sorry for what they've done by never doing it again....If he's truly sorry he'll make the right moves to be faithful in your relationship.

Try to do something positive and loving for yourself today--you need it.  PM me any time if you'd like.  Keep posting.  It's good for me too as I struggle EVERY DAY not to take a pill. I have not been clean that long.

Blessings!

BandJ · Answer

Thank you for your response.  With every respoonse I get, I feel a lil bit closer to understanding my feelings of anger, sadness and love for my boyfriend.  I agree with you about never having regrets. I always say "Never regret anything, because at one point it was exactly what I wanted"  I am handicapped by my emotions, I go back and forth every minute of the day it feels like.  One minute, I feel for him and tell myself that I can be strong and help him, the next minute, I am yelling at him and asking him why would he do this to me,  but ultimately he is hating himself enough for the both of us.  I just need to try to get passed the infidelity.  I have given this advice to my friend before.  She stayed with her boyfriend after he cheated, she was in a different situation than we are, but she kept bringing it up over and over again and I told her that her relationship will never work if she cant stop bringing it up every chance she got.  She chose to be with him so with that choice she has to forgive him and move on from it.  I am not ready to forgive him.  I pray I will be one day.  I agree that finding that one great love is something to never take for granted.  When we got back together 8 months ago, I made sure to never take him for granted, unfortunately, he and Oxycontin took me for granted.  I will continue to hold onto hope that he will return to the man that I love with all that I am.  I know he can be that man again and he says that he refuses to be seen as a lying, manipulating drug addict and will prove it to all of those that he loves that he is better than that.  

At this very moment, he is telling his parents what he has been hiding from them for so long.  I encouraged him to do it today, I found out about all the lies last Monday and he has been putting off telling his parents because he is scared and cant even imagine the hurt that they will experience.  He says he has never hurt so badly before.  He can't believe that this is life.  I encouraged him to tell them for all the right reasons, but I also have a selfish reason.  I need them to include me in their prayers.  I have told noone about what is going on except for this forum.  I cant tell anyone right now, I am trying so hard to understand this all for myself that I dont have the energy to help someone else to understand and I am afraid they never will, which means they will probably worry about me for the rest of their lives if he and I end up working it out.

This is really difficult, probably the most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with, I have faith that my counseling will help me which means I can be there for him and hopefully rebuild a relationship with the man that I truely believe is my soulmate.

Thank you for responding, this forum has been really therapeutic, it brings me a sense of peace at the end of the day.

rue10 · Answer

"Be bold and courageous, for when you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did."  

That being said, it sounds to me like you're caught "between" the situation.  It also sounds like you really love your bf.  There's no shame in that.  If you do, then you'll need to find a way to get past his infidelity.  Because loving and being loved beats anything that's outside that union.  When you look back on your life do you want a "regret" that you could have avoided?  Do you want to believe that you gave up your one great love because you couldn't get past what he's done? In principal unfaithfulness is not a good thing.  And for emotional health it's not so good either.  But if what's lying in the balance is a wonderful loving relationship, that's gotta win out--no?.  If you get to the other side with your bf you'll probably look back on it as just one of many life events instead of the crushing blow it is right now.

On the other hand, your bf is addicted.  Drugs can cause you to do things that you'd never think you'd do.  Some people's thresholds are higher/lower so there's no blueprint for what we will and will not do. However, in my opinion anyone who's abusing drugs is not clearly thinking.  Someone once told me that the way to make amends for what you've done and if you're truly sorry, is to  NEVER DO IT AGAIN.  If your bf is truly sorry and he continues to get treatment for his addiction he will never do it again.  You just can't know right now.  But if your willing to take a risk you just may have something worth fighting for.

I commend you for the support you're giving him.  Lots of us have it but many of us don't.  It's extremely hard to get and stay clean with out it.  

Above all, you've got to be true to yourself.  If he continues with the deception you may need to make unpleasant choices regarding your relationship.   Your emotional health and well being is key for you and him.

I'm praying for you and wish you and your bf God's richest Blessings.

BandJ · Answer

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I am so sick of thinking about what has happened to me and my boyfriend.  I read earlier posts that were on another thread that I started, titled the same and the one from christos up above.  They made me feel worse because it wasn't what I wanted here, but thats just the thing, its not easy to hear something other than what I want to hear.  

I guess every situation is different and since everyone on here doesnt really know my boyfriend and I, at the end of the day, I have to answer my own question for myself.  We did have a great relationship before, but we were kids, we met when I was 17 and he was 18, we were together until I was 22, but like I mentioned before we still stayed in contact after we broke up. We are 26 and 27 now. I do love him, I love him with everything that I am.  He has been calling me telling me that he just needs to prove his love to me, that he is not the man that he became while on the drugs.  He wants to prove that he is not a lying drug addict, that he is not a cheater and that he wants to become the best thing in my life, if I would give him a chance.  

Susan303, your story touched me, gave me hope that my boyfriend will one day return to the person that I onced loved so much.  We had made plans for our future.  In January, he was going to move up here with me, go back to school and try to make me the happiest woman.  I am just so afraid of letting him into my home, I am afraid of the lies and the deciet that I will be in for for the rest of my life if I dont stand up to him and say  No, its not ok that you did this to me! Sometimes I feel like the only way to say that is by leaving him, but then my true feelings for him come out and I just cant leave him, not without always wondering what our future might be like.  I know it is going to take time, a lot of time for me to trust him or tell him that I love him, out loud.  Thank you for sharing your story with me, I could just sit here and write and write and write but I have to go to work..I have to still function day to day, when all I want to do is sleep and feel sorry for myself!  Thank you!

ochooked · Answer

Wow!!! you have betrayal on several fronts -  the pills - the infidelity - and who knows just how much of his heart he has given to the 'other' woman.  It's true - the relationship between them was forged in the furnace of drug affliction.   I agree with Susan above but with one caviat --  At some point soon (hopefully in counseling) your husband must commit to two things - 1. being there for you and the kids always.   and 2.  Get detoxed and clean up and stay cleaned up.   The problem, as stated so elequently above hits the nail right on the head - - - - "Their addiction becomes your addiction"   My advice is to be kind, gentle, etc - --- but fiercely strong - you have to be.   Your husband will learn real quick that your soft heart is easy for a drug crazed mind to bend and make you give in "for the peace it brings into the family"  Soon you may be right back where you started and only worse.   I only bring this up so you will consider everything when you take him back.  My heart is with you and I will pray for you to be whole.   I think you already have some answers - whether or not you examine them ---- Your husband has been cheating on you;  He has been dishonest with you;  Maybe he has even stolen from you (in indirect ways by using money meant for family time together)    You need a counselor you can trust and fast ----- My daughter mirrors your story almost exactly only they just have one baby.  She didn't wise up until she saw major things dissappearing from the house - he was selling them at the pawn shop to get his fixes.   She tried so hard to get him help, one rehab after another, until finally he could not or would not stay sober and everything came down --- there was just NO trust left in the marriage and she spend all of her free time constantly watching him (and often catching him in lies).    So, consider it all before you make your decision.  Blessings in whatever you decide --- I do hope you will continue posting on here - - as you know you will get lots of support and help.

susan303 · Answer

Hi and good early morning to you,
I was reading your post and I would like to comment to you if I could please.  Drugs will make you do awful, awful things that you would not normally do.  They take over your mind to a point to where nothing else matters to you except the drug you are seeking.  Oxy's are a very powerful drug and they have been known to ruin many lives.  My heart goes out to you.  I know you are heart broken.  How do you feel about him?  Do you love him to give him another chance?  Something you might want to look at is how he acted toward you before the drugs.  Was he all that you hoped for than?  It looks like you stayed with him five years before the drugs so he must have been doing something right:)  I would like to share my story with you please.  I came from a home of five children and my mom and dad.  My family loved each other very much.  My dad was a auto machanic and got hurt on the job.  Due to his injury he was prescribe oxy's for the pain.  He was down for a while with his injury, but it eventually healed.  But at that point we had added a new member to our family her name was oxycontin.  My dad just could not get off the pills by the time he went back to work the pills had consumed him.  When he get paid all his money went to get more pills.  He started fighting with my mom alot and we knew something was wrong with him.  This was not our dad.  Our dad was loving, hard working, outgoing, loved us and our mom.  But this man wasn't that way he only wanted one thing and that was the pills.  There was nights that he did not come home and we would watch our mom cry for hours worried about were he was at.  We would feel so bad for her we would set down and cry with her.  At that point she explained to us what was going on.  But we still did not quite understand the full extent of what was going on like mom did.  He came home the next day and he and my mom had a big fight.  Before the pills they were so happy all of us were.  They NEVER fought and were always loving on each other.  As weeks would pass the addiction kept getting worse and worse.  The last straw for mom was when she went out and seen dad blown out of his mind with another woman who turned out to be his supplier.   She packed us up and herself and we left for grannys.  My heart just broke for my daddy.  All I could think about was him being along without us and my mom.  A week past and my dad called my mom crying saying he wanted her back and us that he could not live with out us.  My mom told him that he had to get help or we would never be back and he agreed to get help.  My dad went into rehab for what seemed to be for ever, but when he got out he was our daddy again.  He was the man before the pills.  He still goes to meetings and we go to family meetings.  The pills had such ahold on him to where nothing else matters not even us.  Our dad is great again to us and our mother.  And his treatment is going great.  Addicition can and will make you do things you would not normally do.  You are not in your right mind set at the time.  We gave our dad another chance and it was the best choice we ever made.  Addicition does not just affect the person using, but their love ones and family.  I can tell you love him.  It's a long road, but it's worth it for the one's you love.  Their addicition becomes your addicition.  It's healing for you and them.  Do you want to continue with him?  That's up to you.   I wish you and him the very best in life.  Be strong and my God bless you both.. Susan..

christos24 · Answer

you are incredibly supportive and strong and i cant commend you enough for that. i had a horrible addiction to oxycontin, primarily, and heroin with my ex gf adn frist true love,other than opiates, but even though the addiction was severe and out of control, we spent $14,000, all of her savings, within four months, there was never any point where cheating on someone you say you truly "love" would ever happen. even if i was going through the worst withdrawals which was quite common out of the two and half years spent addicted i spent a year of it waiting, withdrawling, I would never have cheated. nor would i if i was offered a bunch of 80's(oxycontin pills), i mean i was an extremely selfish junky and there were opportunities where that could have happened although not exactly the same and as well as for my ex- girlfriend, my dealer was in love with her, we never gave up our commitment for each other.i know for a fact that he offered lots of money and free OC, btu she never ever thought to do that to me.  and  i could never do that to someone i love. i know that he loves you and im sure he regrets it terribly and is really feeling ******, but he had plenty of time to think before deciding to do that. im sorry to be so blunt but you must feel terrible and to have someone you love do that to you is just wrong. if you really really want to make it work with him and he truly commits to staying completely clean and sober by going to treatment then support him, btu after what he did i dont know if i could do that no matter how hard it would be.  even though he helplessly addicted and a slave to the pills, it doesnt really cloud youre judgement enough to cheat, its no where even as bad as alcohol or xanax. this is a tough situation and i really feel for you, if you have any other questions or need any support let me know, im laways here and really want to help you, i know nothing can completely take away the pain and hurt you feel, you will make it and move on from this....p.s as for my ex-girlfriend who was a junky as well i decided to break things off when i came home due to entering a treatment plan and it was better for me to be alone for a bit and get control over myself. she expected me to go to detox and treamtent and give her half of my suboxone i agreed to go on, but at first i agreed due to all the help she gave me whikle we were using. soon after taht i luckily met a sober wonderful girlfriend who has helped me tremedously in staying clean and continuing my recovery.i cant thank her enough..best of luck

BandJ · Answer

This is the orginial poster, BandJ..I know it takes time to get replies, but I just need to get inside someones head that has been addicted to an opiate or anything for that matter that is unbias to help me answer my very ambiguous question, could my boyfriends addiction really have led him to cheat on me even though he says he loves me with everything that he is or is it just a crock of BS..I need help forgiving him!