I need someone to understand

[tired63]

My husband has been a vicodin addict for almost 4 years.  He has detoxed several times at home, went to rehab...left rehab and I keep catching him taking them.  If he doesnt take them he takes tramadols or xanex and I am not really sure what else.  I dont even know who he is anymore.  It seems like this drug is the most important thing to him and he will go to any length to support this problem.  At my wits end I have asked him to leave our home. He is very angry and has brought up every single imperfection that I have and everything that I have done wrong to him EVER and thrown it in my face.  He went to a N/A meeting and then admitted to taking them the very next morning.  I cannot live this way anymore and I do feel guilty for asking him to leave.  I am just hoping that this will wake him up and he will see that he has no control.  

[brokenhearter24]

Hi I am also dealing with an addict husband. It has been going on for 3 years now. I thought he was in so much pain but by the time I realized how seriously addicted he is it was too late. He had pawned or sold everything we had including my suv that I had for 10 years and a laptop I was using for school. He will sell anything for pills. Lawn mowers, tools, even a vacuum cleaner I was using...I found out about it all from his friends that he had also lied to. I have recently made him leave for the first time and we have been married 7 years. He has been with his parents for a week and a half now. His mother takes up for him and tells me I am an angry person. I just could not take it any longer. We have 3 small children 19 mos, 4 and 6 and I am going to school full time for nursing. He doesn't support us in anyway not even to buy food. He doesn't call to discuss anything since he has been gone and I noticed he had on a fake wedding ring last time I let im come see the kids. I am so broken hearted and becoming so bitter just toward life in general. I know I need counseling but I just need to work hard to find time. My kids love him to death and don't understand why he is gone. I am so torn inside and I feel like no one understand except my mother and grandmother...

[tired63]

Thanks for writing me.  I dont know how long you have been in this situation but dont stand for it any longer.  You will save yourself alot of heart break if you put your foot down now.  I cant help but look back and wonder if I had made him move out sooner would this have went on so long.  I have tried my best to understand what he is going through and support him and i hope that we stay in a good place and he stays clean from here on out.  Its been 11 days today and that is an accomplishment but falling back into this addiction is very easy.  I will pray for you and message me anytime.  I am usually on everyday.

[tired63]

Havent been on in a few days.  I have just been busy.  He is on day 11 today and is making arrangements to see a counselor.  He hasnt been going to the meetings these last couple of days but his truck broke down.  He will be able to get it fixed by tomorrow so I am hoping that he stays on track.  He is still not staying in the house however he has been coming over almost everyday to see the kids.  Yesterday was a very nice evening, we had dinner and good conversation.  For now I feel like things can get back to normal as long as he follows through with meetings and staying clean and he definatley needs to see a counselor.  I am on guard though - I have been let down to many times to count! I hope that he can have an appointment by next week.  I will check back later tonight - I hope that everyone has a great day.

[more0then0a0virus]

Don`t feel guilty. If he has a right to do what she wants to, you have that right also.  
It`s easier to give up now then when you are attached to him even more... Feel free to make your own post to share your problems with us. Maybe someone could give you some advice... Please do that... You don`t deserve to suffer... and many of us knows how it is...

[trxie185]

I'm sorry... This is so sad to read for me. I am just beginning to go through this. I've been in my relationship for 3 years and come to find out that he's doing this. I am afraid that he will never get better. That he might get clean and then relapse years later. I DO NOT want to be a part of it. None of it. I've offered to help him once and once only. I can't deal with this. Admire you for coming as far as you have. You are so strong. I will feel like I quit on him, but the way I see it, he gave up on us the day he started taking them because he was stressed. Instead of turning to me and talking it out with me.

[atthebeach]

Hey I haven't heard from you in a few days how is everything going? It should be 9 or 10 days. How is he feeling? Is he keeping up with the meetings? Has he been to the counselor?  
I  have been thinking about your family and holding you up in prayer
Debbie

[tired63]

Thank you.  His withdrawals are not as severe this time however last time he was coming off of a 20 pill per day habbit.  Honestly I am not sure how much he has been taking this time around but he told me yesterday that each day is getting better and that its been much worse before.  He is staying with his parents.  He has asked another family member to go to a meeting with him tonight.  I hope that he keeps going and that he can find the strength to follow through and not relapse.  I have also asked him to sign up and talk to people in this forum....I think that you are a right about constant support and it needs to be from people who truly understand.  Im trying to just keep things as normal as possible for my children and keep myself positive.  I have moments when I feel really sad about everything that has happened.  I try not to worry about our financial problems because they are problems that can be fixed however it is still very stressful.  I guess the only thing that I can do is get through each day the best that I can and hope that our situation will get better.  I agree with you that addiction is straight from the pits of hell.  There is no better way to describe it.

[atthebeach]

you can definitely heal. please have him go to a counselor, therapist, addiction specialist, church, talk with a pastor, he needs to have constant support to prevent relapse. the relapses can become a vicious cycle,  promises that are broken,do  turn into resentment. he needs to admit to himself that he is not strong enough to fight this demon on his own strength. he needs all the help he can get. i believe addiction has a spiritual bondage attached to it. addiction is definitely from the pits of hell. how are his withdrawals? today would be 4 days since he used. if he went to na/aa last time and relapsed he might need to do more to help him stay clean. he also has to want to be clean, he has to work at his recovery harder than he worked at getting high. i will continue to pray  that the chains of bondage will be broken,
blessings to you and your family  
debbie

[tired63]

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  It really helps to understand that there are others that know what I am going through.  I have asked him to leave more than once and have always caved and let him come home because the kids missed him or it was just easier to have him home to help with the kids.  We have alot of stuff in the pawn shop and have lost alot of things.  Money has come up missing - you know. .... My kids are young but I am sure that they have a sense that things are not as they should be.  I have not let him come home and will not until this problem is truly solved.  I dont want my children to come from a broken home either however I believe that they need a happy mother so thrive.  This afternoon he told me that it has been 3 days since he has taken anything and asked me to go to a N/A meeting with him.  I went with him and was supportive and he asked if he decided to go tomorrow would I go with him.  I have alot of resentment and I am at my wits end....I dont hate him yet so I think that we could heal from this dark time.  I hope that you and your family can heal from what you have been through.  I appreciate you sharing and I hope that our problems is resolved soon....he has got my hopes up many times and I have thought oh its over so I am going at this with my eyes open this time and I am going to stay strong and not settle or let him fool me.

[atthebeach]

i know you are in a very difficult position. it is a very hard and life changing decision you have to make. i didnt want my children to come from a broken home (divorced) but our home was broken, because of the fighting, deceit, lack of trust, financial issues, his anger, we slept in different bedrooms for the last 5 years before he finally left. we were apart for one year before in went into the rehab. i tried and tried for years and it took much longer than was healthy for my family. as i said we are healing, but we have alot of baggage to sift through. sometimes i still get so angry,sad and go to what if'. i wonder how much of my husbands use affected my childrens decisions. i will never know. the 25 and 20 yrs old decision to both quit hs and not go to college, also use. they did as daddy did not as daddy said. he always denied his use. i had money stolen, jewelry sold, checks missing, many hours of him missing, if i did a urine test he claimed it was wrong. he had me convinced i was crazy and making up all the issues in my head. pure insanity. now that he is clean he just says i only have today ,we cant go back, he says he is sorry, but somehow it just isnt enough. my two youngest at 13 & 11 are healing the best. they are more forgiving than the older ones. we are christians and have always attended church even though his use. i believe that keep his addiction somewhat at bay he never fell off the deep end. he didnt go on vacation with us the last 5 or 6 yrs.because he always had to work ( go to the methadone clinic to get his bottle) we own our own business and he still couldnt take off.lol. i believed it for many years and then things just didnt add up. i would come home and take a urine test and he would say oh yea i just did it when you were gone. yea right i was born yesterday.
i would definitely ask him to leave for awhile. hopefully he will wake up and want to change his life. but when they are in the midst of their addiction they actually will chose drugs over their family, sad but true.
i hope and pray all works out for you and comes to a resolve much,much faster than mine did.
debbie

[more0then0a0virus]

he can`t except you want a compromise.  

I accidentally said "can"

[more0then0a0virus]

To: criminy1
Thanks... It`s not so great, but I believe you can understand me...

To: tired63
What your doing is morally correct. You have a right to do it. And don`t feel bad about it.

       You have to protect your children and it`s great you`re doing it before it`s too late. That`s something to be admire of because they do not deserve to suffer because of this.
      You are a fighter and a strong person. And you protect them from something that could`ve ruin them and been a biological predisposition that they couldn`t affect on... So, you are they savior...

And I really hope you won`t lose the house. I really do understand him and his actions. He can`t control himself and then, when he spends some money, he has a need to escape from that fact, and from the fact what he does to you, and then he causes more damage then before. Have you got some idea how to handle money problems? You`ll have to try really hard.

       And of course he has changed. Drugs do that to ppl.

       And you are not abandoning him. You gave him a choice, you gave him an opportunity. You said to him how much you can handle. He rejected all of these chances you had gave him. That`s his fault.
       If you can accept the person completely, you should be with her. But if you can`t, it can only bring misery. And you live only once, so you do not need that. And you can`t except this new person who he has become, and he can except you want a compromise.

       You should be proud. You are saving your kids. And do not blame yourself 4 that.

Best wishes and good luck to you...

[tired63]

This is why I am putting my foot down now.  Its been over 3 years and into the 4th now.  We have 2 small children and I am worried about the example being set for them right now. Our credit to his horrible and I am afraid that we are going to loose our home.  I cannot pay bills ontime when he lies about his money and what he has done with it.   He is not an abusive person but his habbit has changed who he is.  I dont want to look up one day and realize that its been 10 15 or even 20 years and things havent changed.  I am also tired of letting my happiness be determined by someone elses actions.  It is hard because I do feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me the most.  Thank you for your support - it helps to have someone to talk to that actually understands how desperate and bitter I am.  I dont talk to but a few people about this problem and I am sure they are tired of hearing it by now.

[criminy1]

Your English is fine:-)

[more0then0a0virus]

P.s. sorry about some sentences. I wrote them wrong. Things like "has", and stuff. I can`t speak English well... so...

[more0then0a0virus]

You did the right thing.

When person do drugs, it is the most important thing to him. But it`s some kind of need. Like.... i don`t know... e.g.  imagine you don`t eat 4 few days, For him, that are hours... And he has got an urge to comfort himself.

Although, it doesn`t mean he doesn`t care about you. If he didn`t, he would`t pretend he is getting clean. He is not ready to quit, and he thinks the best thing he can do is to try to protect you by hiding what`s he does. He doesn`t want to hurt you, and when he tries to hide his habit, he lose control and then you realize he didn`t quit.

       Yeah, he is angry. But he is angry at himself, but not ready to admit it and then he blames you. He is not aware of what he is doing to you.
      He wants to do drugs, he needs to do it, because if he doesn`t, he will be lost. He is scared what can happen if he quits. It`s irrational, but it is so real 4 him.
   And he doesn`t see you are trying to help him. He sees that you are forcing him to do what you want him to do. He thinks he has a right to do whatever he wants to to himself. And I agree with that, but I don`t agree he have a right to be angry at you because you also have a right to choose how will your life look like and the only thing he can bring you is problems. And you don`t need that. So don`t feel guilty. Because you have a right to make choices as much as he has. And he give himself this right. Why should you be adjusting to him? Marriage is # unity of two. And the both of these two have to sacrifice something to make it work. And he can`t do that right now.  

      I wouldn`t hope that this will wake him up, so don`t wait for him. He is in his world now. And he has to reach that point, you want him to reach, by himself. He has to realize what he is doing. And that might happen after few months, years or even never. He is probably miserable right now, but his choices led them here. And that`s his responsibility. Not yours.

      And you can tell him zillion times he has got a problem, but he won`t listen. He will deny it, he will be angry, he will hate the pressure you make on him. And nothing else. If he can recover, he has not just to admit his problem, but to stay clean.

      I suggest you to search MedHelp discussions. Maybe then you`ll understand what I`m saying... But you can`t do anything for him. It`s all up to him. You did your best...

      Best wishes...

[Devonlee]

Yeah its rough,. I am sorry you are going through this. There isnt much you can do if he doesnt want help. If its in your best interest to ask him to leave have him leave. Only you know that. I had to leave my first husband because he was a drug addict and he didnt want to get help. I am much happier and healthier now years later without him. You cannot fix anyone. Simply say if you are really going to get better I will be right here for you all the way. If you are not theres the door. Good luck.