I really did it this time and im scared as HELL

[redbull]

Some of you helped me some years back and now I've really did a number to myself. Now it's not lortab/soma combo. Now it's this damn oxycodone 15mgX6 but I'm sick as all **** tapering from 120and135mg throughtout the day. I'm old skool 50 yr's old now that always kicked the hard way c/t. My question is this....Will the Thomas Recipe work at this high of dose without dyeing? I just suck at a slow taper, I was sent home today by the boss cause I was in such bad shape. What's the cut off point, when do you just die? I'm not a young man anymore.

[redbull]

I love you guys, yes I feel awesome. Tomorrow I see all my girls, their children, their husbands and boyfriends. I feel wonderful. I think my girls always knew Dad had some issues but they are so kind and grew up in the rooms of AA, learned not to judge and probably just thought Dad will get a handle on this, that he hasn't drank in 20 years and even worked in the field of recovery and that he knows how to handle something if it got away from him. Anyway...I'm back, I know what I have to do and you know, it won't even be a pain in the xss like it became when I started working in the field. Thats when things started going south...If I heard another word about recovery after working with it day in day out, I was gonna screem. Thought I became exempt or something. Forgot about my own program and stopped going to meetings for me. I'm out! I'm out of that xhit and that's what puts me back in. Have a great day everyone, talk to you soon.

[vicki595]

Hi!  I just read through this thread for the first time ( yes...late to the game! ) and want you to know you're just amazing! Very cool! I could just hug you and say: "I'm proud of ya!"

I always dismissed aftercare as for weenies and that's why I was a professional addict for most of my life! It makes a huge difference as you're finding out. Good for you! It will surely be a very happy Thanksgining Day at your house!

And about those emails telling you to thank a member for the best response: I usually choose the most ridiculous comment. I agree: it's stupid. This isn't a game or a contest. We're damn serious here and we've already been to kindergarten!

Yes...when those old brain chemicals start coming back it's something else!!

[Bkitty]

~ Ive had glimpses and felt that feeling too redbull! Its an awsome feeling. One of my favorite things to do in between seeing patients is roll the car windows down and turn up that music and drive fasssst! That adrenaline kicking in is a feel good feeling for sure. Its been a while since Ive felt it and I did the past weekend. Great Job! We got this -eh?~Bkitty

[redbull]

I am back baby! Nothing like a nice (controlled) wreakless riding to make you feel better. It's all there, my focus,my timing,my balance the clutching the shifting ALL of it...Rode my xss off. I'm already to tell the police "Yes I just got off drugs and yes I'm riding like Xell, Just give me the dang ticket" Lucky for me I know every cop in town due to my business, usually they just say John slow your xss down and get out of here. God that felt good, not kiddin, I feel high right now. Anyway, just wanted to share a little crazyness with you all. Riders know why dogs stick their heads out the window.

[redbull]

Thankyou my friend. Man O man do I feel free, not the energy I want but it's much much better. Took a jog last night,holy smokes am I out of shape. I use to be able to run for hours, now 15 min kicked my Xss. I'm riding a bit daily (carefull) prolly shouldn't but it does force focus as you well know. And My God how good it feels. Going to the 6:00 tonight, I really hope this group is cool w cross addiction, I'll find out soon. You know how some meetings trip on that Xhit. You'd think an alcoholic would know he's an addict by now. It's been years since I've been in the rooms, hopefully things have changed. Tonight I will be able to talk, the other night I could bearly see or stand, it was a miricle I was able to ride there. Speaking of protien, I better go make my concoction now so I can drum up some energy, maybe pick up the house a bit, go for a little ride today. Thankyou for your support, total trip how this xhit works, strangers of all people, yet not strangers at all either. Trippy...If it's odd it's God (Right) ?

[gnarly_1]

Hey John how you doing >>>??? you have been thew the gauntlet and you still standing......dident blow any blood vessels you should start to see the light here ......I also ride have all my life took a trip by myself to do some soul searching went from PHX AZ to SanDeago then up the coastal highway camping on the beaches all the way to montery it was 14 days of bliss
best ride I ever took just sorry the wife choose to stay home she is a day triper no iron man rides for here anymore anyway I just wanted to tell you you did a hellava job detoxing and im so happy your going to meetings it makes all the difference push the whey protein shakes it gives your body/brain what it needs to get well got your amino acids extra vitamins as well as protein all of witch the brain needs to heal you got to hit this thing from all sides walmart has the protein powder for 15 bucks for 2lb can the chocolate flavor ant bad just mix it with milk it will help you energy level also keep posting to let us know how your getting along good luck with your recovery and God bless......Gnarly    

[Bkitty]

I cried too~at everything!!! Id just burst out in tears one minute-I had to quit watching animal planet for a few days too! I cried at all the commercials with the homless dogs and cats. I was a wreck-it does pass!~

[Bkitty]

~Im so proud of you!!!! I too just had dental work,,the whole bit and the same thing,,heres a script I just looked at him and was like "ppppffftttt!!!!" I walked out. He came running after me and was like you have to take the antibiotic hahahahahahahahahha! Ive kept up with your posts and just wanted you to know i think your doing great!~Bkitty

[redbull]

Thankyou, I can't stop crying at stupid things I see on TV or when I'm reading recovery material or just nothing at all, but all and all I do feel out of the woods. I can't wait for some more energy to return as I feel like a few guys just kicked the Xhit out of me. Thanx again, I friggin did it, I can't believe I'm finally out,God it feels good for feeling so bad.(9:30 tonight will be 9 days) now I'm crying again...

[jlannaa]

I just read through your post and i have to say you are doing awesome keep up the great work:)

[redbull]

Very cool, Yes that's my other drug, Harley's, I've been in the Harley Sales Business for many many years. Don't drive at all, well not enough to be good at it anyway (just ask the wife) Riding is everything to me (well , did get sidetracked a bit) you know what I mean. Anyway... Imagine how many more bikes I'm gonna sell with a clear head...Thought is awesome. Ride safe and Thankyou for everything.

[eyeofhorus2010]

It's cool. Actually I was refering to riding. I ride myself and there's nothing better than a good ride thru the country side to clear the mind and blow out the cob webs.

Peace be to you brotha.

[redbull]

it also just hit me your not a girl, sorry. the icon is pretty so it gave me wrong impression. sorry bout that.

[redbull]

It just hit me girl..."Keep your knees in the breeze" Your not talking about my riding are you? Your talking about "hitting my knees" in prayer arn't you? Either way...your making me smile And Think.

[redbull]

so I go to see my pain management doc this am to get some (30) soma for my night kicks, when used correctly there wonderful. He is beside himself that I did what I did, says he never seen anyone c/t off Oxy like that before and even though he could not condone it, it seemed like I been there done that, knowing all about blood presure checking and the use of L-tyrosine and minerals and such, that he just felt his hand forced to give me the clonodine and valium i requested. Amazed! he was for sure, says I'm the toughest SOB he's ever encountered (not sure that's a compliment or not) Anyway I had him hit my *** w some B12 and give up a few soma for bedtime and agreed to depart friends.

Then I go to the dentist at 1:00 (a bridge broke last night, needed it fixed) It's not a 20 min ordeal, I'm in his chair for 2 hrs...drilling, cutting, grinding the whole 9 yards. Jesus that **** hurts. Were all done and he says let me write you a script....NO NO NO! I say I'm good, I just spent 8 days getting off Oxy, trust me I tell him, this pain doesn't hold a candle to the pain I just went through, I'm good really! My wife has some Advil at home I'll be fine. Doc Jones pats me on the back and says "Your an interesting man John, I like you, have a great Thanksgiving" That really made me feel good him saying that.

eyeofhorus2010 "knees in the breeze" you damn right! I am so free when I ride and riding clean is even more FREE. It's fallen into place

[eyeofhorus2010]

Like they say " Keep your knees in the breeze." Everything else will fall into place. Glad you're doing well.

[Bkitty]

~Its an awsome feeling isnt it! Yeah for day 7! Congrats!~

[redbull]

I'm alive! I woke up feeling pretty damn good, I can't believe it. Really thought I'd die on this one. I have a hell of a resolve with my old recovery material lately. Remember when a page you read totally hit a certain spot then next time you read it it hit another spot. Well..through a lot of laughter and tears, new spots never touched before are being touched. Amazing! I haven't had a pill in 7 days...Jesus, the hell it takes before you finally just drop to your knees and pray for the light to freedom.
Thankyou EVERYBODY. You guys (and girls) are part of Gods plan...on a damn computer screen! Can you believe that?

[redbull]

I did it, I managed to get geared up and ride to the meeting. I haven't rode since last week. I don't drive I ride a motorcycle, have for years (it my business, Harley sales) anyway...the place hasn't changed in 20 years, the chairs still set up the same way, counter still the same place. Swear to God it was like the twilight zone. All new faces except for some few guys that reconized me from work (but it was all cool) I must have looked like death cause I had 5 or 6 guys ask if I needed help, which I replied YES I need to be here tonight if it's open and cool w you all. My God the words haven't changed, the miracles are all over, you see it in these guys faces. And it's just men's stag, sorry ladies, iv'e just allways prefered men's groups, they see through the ******** and the sharing isn't designed to impress the cuties in the room. And most of em are riders,how cool is that,had to be 20 bikes out front. I was seeing double still and wasn't too talkative but the few I talked to totally understood, just said ride home safe and we want to see you back...we know where you work. I'm back in the rooms...No way I can stay clean without it. Not forgetting the brown sugar.

[overopiates]

Sounds like ur doing really well.All of us most likely get grumpy/rude its either while using or after the physical  w/d is gone and the mental battle begins.For me it was worse when using.Well after the fun of it was over I was ALWAYS annoyed.

[gnarly_1]

HEY Redbull hows it going tonight for you.....it usually the insomnia that drive most people crazy but your sleep will return if you haven already figured this out it all about attitude....a positive attitude will get you farther then any one thing it really macks the difference between suffering and discomfort
your well into this now so a few more bays a the world will look like a better place again...Im glad to see your going to meetings that a HUGE step in the right direction keep posting for support we all want to see you break free from this just know everything your going threw no is going to be so so worth it in the end good luck And Gog bless......Gnarly  

[redbull]

That's funny. What's funnier than that is my writting today was all about why I'm being such an *** lately. I'm catching myself being a jerk to neighbors,the store clerk and I hate myself for it. I want my peace of mind and sense of ease back. Oh...time to go going to try catch this meeting...hope they don't **** me offf...kidding

[eyeofhorus2010]

Like Bkitty says, you're in a really tough mental phase right now. I remember when I was about where you are now my wife would rarely go anywhere with me cause the slightest thing would set me off. Like a check out line cashier saying "have a nice day" I would interpret as a sarcastic way of saying "get the hel! out". So yeah, all of us understand this. Read enough posts and you'll notice there are no flame wars.

We're all part of the same brotherhood, brother. We got your back.

[redbull]

Thankyou, yes I feel a lot of mental stuff right now. I've done this too too many times, I'm too old for this crap, is it too much to ask to grow up at 50 geeezzzz.The aftercare is the only ingredient I've been leaving out when I've done this before. I've never made good peanut butter cookies without the brown sugar.