I really need someone to talk to

[wishingicouldquit]

So i have been taking pills everydaay for about a year, i have taken them before that, but once my script ran out it was no big deal....my dad passed away last Nov. and that is when i really went downhill....i also have Fibromyalgia so i started taking them when my doctor started giving me 120 5mg percs a month...then that didnt last so i would have to buy them on the street...then that started lasting me only like 4 days....so i would have to buy for almost the whole month....then i turned to methadone, dilaudid, morphine, vic, perc, OC, whatever i can get my hands on...then on july 5, i decided i had had enough, nothing was really working the way that it used to, and the money was killing us., i had a 2 year old daughter, and a 4 year old son, not to mention my husband whom i lo9ve more than anything...i am 27. So july when i decided to stop i wanted to go to the hospital and do a medical detox, i was already to go, actually on the way o9ut the door and they called me back and said that my insurance covers absolutly no alcohol or drug ttreatment...and they wante4d 4000 down...so i could not go i went 2 days and finally had to go to the ER they gave me clonidine and ativan and sent me home...i last 2 weeks clean and it was awful, even with the drugs to help me i was so emotional, and cried all the time, sometimes for no reason....so on day 14 of being clean i baought some percs...and that was just the begining...i actually did ok for a couple weeks, sticking to only perc 5s and vic 5s..taing about 30mg a day....compared to 200mg before. I have pain that is realy so i thought i could handle only taking that amount. but, one day i couldnt find those, so i had to buy oxycontin, 80mg pills. that was about a month ago now and i am totally hooked on that, i take anywhere from 80 to 220mg a day, and i am freakin sick and tired, i wish that i had never messed up my chance and started again, we had my bro in law some up during my detox to help with the kids when my hubby was at work and i dont want to ask him to do it again, my mom thinks i am sticking to vicodin, my boss thinks i am still clean.....i hate this, it is running my life, every moment and everythought is about oxys...if i have enough, can i take more? i feel like such a loser, my kids should be enough resaon, but i feel like i cant quit, i cant be in bed for days, i cant afford detox or treatment...plus the pain, im stuck....in a veryveryvery bad spot....i have started smoking them, first to try it, and know the habit of getting it ready it addicting itself.....i rail them also....god, forgive me....what do i do, should i use methadone to get off so i am not sick??? please help i need all the answers i can get

[HideandSeek]

To my knowledge not every doc can prescribe bups (such as Suboxone/Subutex) I believe they have to have a special license.  I have an amazing doctor here in Oregon he is one of the top psychiatrists in the nation.  I am VERY lucky to have found him.  I can contact his office tomorrow to see if they can recommend a doctor in your area.  Do you mind telling me where in Washington? If you want you can send me a private message.  I would love to do what I can to help.

As I just read Sara's post above, it seems that there is something that she may be more aware of than myself.  Maybe she can add some additional insight, everyone does respond to things differently. I also agree in the fact that like Sara said that counseling and/or AA/NA etc. is needed in order to obtain the necessary tools to remain sober.  I know that I was VERY hesitant to taking Suboxone.  My reason was that I had tried Subutex at one point and I did have some type of reaction to it. Because of that, the doctor that had prescribed the Subutex (a different psych than the one I have now) had decided that it would be best for me to switch to Oxy, Soma, Phentagram, Ativan and Clonadine.  Yes, the doc that gave me Sub to get off drugs then placed me on a whole slew of meds. That is a whole other story on its own. But in speaking with my current psych he recommended Suboxone and started me on a smaller dose than what I currently take (8mg 1.5 to 2.5/day).  You do have to do what is right for you.  For me I needed something to help save me and thankfully it did. The amount of meds I was taking could have easily killed me at some point. Also, it does sound like some people have had different reactions and possibly bad experiences with Sub.  I am greatful that I have not in the 6 months I have been on it. I have not relapsed nor do I have any problems sleeping, in fact I sleep better. No expert here, I can only speak to what it has done for me. I know it keeps me sober, alert, functional and my family and friends are so glad to have "me" back. While I do not have children of my own I do own my own home, work full-time and am extremely involved with my niece and nephew's lives.  My family would have never allowed for me to be driving them around while I was on all of the narcos/opiates.  However, while on Suboxone I have all the freedom in the world to spend as much time with them as I choose because of the positive change in me. Sorry I am rambling here, but it is the little things in life that really mean so much and I have those things back.

So on a final note:  I do not know a thing about Methadone and I know you had mentioned that you may go that route. Question - Is it possible to get Methadone w/out Rx coverage but not Suboxone? I know that Sub is very expensive w/o insurance about $6 to $8/pill.  It is also important to know that you do have to taper down from the Sub so that you do not WD from that. Look into your options and do what is best for you. I am thinking of you and think you are on the right path.  You CAN do this.  Please keep me informed of how things are going.

Best Wishes

[dominosarah]

No not any doctor can prescribe sub.  It is not a miracle pill by any means.  It comes with its own set of problems.  Counseling, therapist NA or AA is also an option.  Getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard part.  We have to find out why we used and learn some coping skills to keep us clean.........sara

[wishingicouldquit]

thank you very much, that is what i am looking for.....no we have no drug or alcohol insurance coverage, we live in washington....at this time we also have no perscription coverage, not until the end of october.....i have to do this, but i have to be able to work and take care of my home and family....so i feel sub or methadone is my only option...Can any dr. prescribe suboxone?

[HideandSeek]

I would completely recommend going on Sub.  I was given the choice to go inpatient to do my detox and thankfully I have insurance that covers it.  I am not sure where you are located but here in Oregon it is my understanding that is mandated coverage.  I like yourself was prescribed meds by my doctor 240 of whatever my flavor was for the month, vics, oxy, percs, soma, dilotted(sp), davocet, well the list goes on and on.  Not only that I at times I was on benzos so I have been there, that is for sure. I however was not able to go to detox and/or inpatient because I couldn't take the time off work. At least that was my excuse.  But my doctor did give me Suboxone.  Let me tell you that for me, I had zero wd's and thankfully my cravings have become very minimal.  Yes, from time to time I think about them, but for me having the peace of mind knowing the Sub was going to block the opiates and I am not going to wd has saved my life. I know I was very hesitant to try it but I am very thankful that I did.

One other thing for me is since I am on the Sub even if I get a craving I know the Sub is going to block it and it will take at least a couple of days to get the Sub out of my system in order to "feel" the opiates.  By that time, and honestly for me it is way sooner than that, I am thinking correctly and not relapsing.  It has been a wonderful safety net for me and during the time that I remain on it I am developing long term goals on how to remain off of the opiates when I am not on Sub anymore.

Well I hope that helps a bit, if you have any questions please feel free to ask.

Best of luck to you.  

[chopper841]

I'm glad that you hate the drug it sounds like your a great wife and mother.  Your correct that you need to take action before it gets worse eventually the pills won't work if you don't quit and you will end up in a dark place.  Your breaking the law it's a felony and if your caught you will go to jail.  The part you need advice on in regards to you getting over this as soon as possible again the worst COULD LAST A WEEK OR MORE.  Go to the health page section read the detox articles and the Thomas Recipe, if you use the info on this site it will help you keep the yucky feeling to a minimum.  

[stupiddogz]

hey, i feel your pain totally. i was doing the same thing, i just posted my story on a different board (not sure, go look at my profile and look at my 1st two posts since i just joined today) but ive been there before....how many pills do i need today, where to get more, how to get them, everything. its not fun like people think it is, its the most painful thing ever. esp when you have kids and a family too that you have to provide for, i was doing the smae thing. my kids are 3 & 5 now and dont remember any of it.

my ins coveres mental health inpatient so i asked my psych dr to admit me there so i could detox medically (not ideal conditions, but at least i was being watched & didnt have to deal with the family at that point) it took 10 days to fully detox, but i had nothing other than them weaning me down...i was taking at least 50 pills a day (norcos at that point 10/300) plus lost of psych meds, and the first day i was there they only gave me 8 pills, which was a joke, so basically i went cold turkey.

pm me if you want to talk some more, in detail, i dont want to bore everyone here with all the details, but just know i was a heavy user, and i stopped unconventionally, and pretty much have been clean off pills now. it all happened after my mom died in 05.

YOU ARE WORTH IT NO MATTER WHAT!!!! dont give up, please. there is hope, and people whove been in your shoes and understand...take care honey!

[Ella789]

Hey, YOU are worth something,!!!!   don't ever think that your not!!    You mean the world to your husband and the kids too!!    

See if there is a County agency that can provide numbers for free clinics,  there are for mental health agencys, and if need be, go to one of those and tell them (or phone them) for some information on addiction recovery agencys.  Tell them your situation and tell them you need some help getting off opiates.   There has got to be other ways and I pray that others will come and give you some advice/info.
Hugs to you

Ella

[wishingicouldquit]

I am not saying that my act is together, but as far as my kids and husband go i am a good mother, my children are happy, we go fun places, mwe read my home is clean, we always have good food, we play etc.. my husband gets the attention and love he needs, we still make love, he always always always gets what he neds, like clothes and boots for work, gas, gets to go hunting...etc.but i am the one who is not happy on the inside, my husband hates this for me, and the money part is killing us, we no longer have cable, our cell phones are shut off....etc. i have to do this before it gets worse, i just have to do it in a way that it wont take a toll on my kids and man, i cant be in bed sick, or grouchy..last time it really upset the kids when i was in bed sleeping for 5 days straight, thats the part that i need advice on.....i just want to be able to wake up in the morning and just be thankful for what i have, instead the way it is now, my first thought is do i have pills??? if so do i have enough?? or where am i gonna get more....how much can i spend, this is tearing me apart and everyday a little bit of my self worth gets chipped away.....i want to be me, free of drugs...i would rather have pain, bad pain than be the way i am now...if i were to get on sub would i feel ok???

[chopper841]

your story sounds so familiar we all have been there.  You need help and we are here for you honey, your sick and you need the support of family to get through this.  I'm not sure if I would go cold turkey on that dosage but you have done this before consult your doctor come up with a game plan, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, THE TOUGH PART IS DOING IT.  You have already started your journey to your new life by reaching out and realizing your sick.   Read the health pages so you have all your supplies Vitamins, Melatonin for sleep, Epson salt for hot baths.  Everyone is different but I ran a pole when I started asking what was your worst day of wd's almost all said day 3 and 4, You still have loved ones around you I'm sure you have a beautiful family, that's your hope, your inspiration, lean on them be honest, keep us posted there is hope you can do this.  Hate the drug not yourself, cry when u need to cry and thank god you have so much love around you.  We will be with you all along the way!!

[Ella789]

  I think I would consider going back to the Dr. who prescribed the percs for you in the beginning.  Tell him that you would like the Clonidine to help get you off the opiates.  Just say that you have been useing too much and need to get off of them.   Or, see if you can get in to see a Dr. who prescribes Sub and who will help you tapper off of that.   I don't see a real good outcome with the way you have been useing,  snorting ect.   this is a bad deal for you and I hope you will find help somehow.  And to heck with anyone who says anything snidey to you abt. seeking help,  don't care if it is family,  they should be esp. suportive.  You need to get your act together for the kids and get clean.  The opiates are for real pain and if addicted to them, they do have a tendency to cause more pain.  A good detox and some significant clean months will help you see where your pain (real) pain levels are.   Sometimes it is hard to know when there is long term opiate use.    I wish you and your family well and hope that you will find a way to be free from the prison these drugs have you in.

Ella