I screwed up...I feel useless

[bmdad]

Well, I had about 50 days clean except for 2 days of taking 5 norco due to steroid shots in my back that caused some pain. I have been having excruciating pain due to my back and sciatic pain. I also have spinal stenosis and arthritis in my back. I should have known better. I have been down this road far too many time. I feel like I shouldn't even be giving advice since I am not clean. I love helping others with some of the knowledge I have due to going through withdrawals in the past. I once even had over a year clean and have learned a lot along the way. I know I have to learn more though. My wife doesn't deserve this. My kiddos don't deserve this. But I DO deserve the pain that lies ahead because I did it to myself. I know that I can no longer take my pain meds since I take more than prescribed. I just can't, no excuses even considering my pain. I do know what I have to do and I will be starting it soon. I have been laid off but will be going back to work here soon hopefully so I need to get through this quick so I feel cold turkey is the way. I have worked through ct in the past and know I can do it again. I would much rather be through the worst of it before work starts though. I have tapered in the past and it does help but I don't want to drag it out. I know many say sorry for letting everyone down but I know I let myself down also. I feel like a useless piece of human flesh. I would much rather live with physical pain than the mental pain that addiction brings. It's time for me to man up and end this once and for all. Any added support for motivation would be great.
Is it okay to still give advice even though I am not clean myself? I'd still love to help others but not sure if I rate to do so.
Thanks for listening and best of luck to all of you!

Brian

[dominosarah]

You know me to well!!!!!  LOL

[bmdad]

I shoveled the driveway so you will have a smooth landing....well, except for a few hidden speed bumps I put in just for you!!!

[dominosarah]

Have my apron on and heading your way.......

[bmdad]

Sara...Since you weren't able to bait my hook I expect you here shortly to start cleaning the fish!
Avisg.....I'm so happy your mood has improved. I'm actually feeling quite positive right now. I know tomorrow may be a different story. It does take a lot to get me down but I know withdrawals can bring out all kinds of emotions. I know I can push through though.

[avisg]

brain the exersise really is I at this point can only walk the dog but I have been doing it .My mood In one week has improved so much I so serously depressed a week ago ask sara she talked to me for 3 hours and helped me threw ...

[dominosarah]

Im cooking fish tonight??!!!  Would you like me to bait your hook in between too??!!!  LOL

[vicki595]

I'd LOVE to come over for a fish fry !!   LOL

Brian,good luck to you. I know from reading your posts to others that you have great insight into addiction and you share and help so many.  But why can't we turn all of that toward our own selves?   Because it's damn hard!!!  I know it well...

Be strong and I just have to say this: When I FINALLY told my husband everything, he really surprised me. He was kind and supportive and continues to be my greatest support.  Why?   Because he loves me.   :)

Vicki

[bmdad]

Thanks for being here for me! It mean so much. This site is amazing. So many strangers out there that take the time to help one another. A place where we make friends that we feel like we have known forever. This site is priceless and it's because of all of you. Like I said, I'm not gonna taper. Come tomorrow I'm starting ct. I have to do this and will do this.
Getting ready to go do some ice fishing now. I figure if I'm gonna get out in the cold I had better do it now! With the chills that will start tomorrow I know I wont feel like being outside. Except when I bundle up and go for a jog. I feel exercise is one of the best tools to help speed up the process. I will start the amino acid protocol also. It truly does help.
Thanks again for everything. It means so much.
Anyone wanna come over for a fish fry tonight?
Brian

[jenny06xx]

thanks for explaining
these are things i panic about like last week i ended up in casualty they wanted to give me a shot of morphine and as i was already a few days clean i refused it i didnt want to mess it up .ive never been in this situation so i didnt know what to do for the best .
thanks again for explaining
it means alot

[avisg]

What we are saying is even when you have clean time and you are an addict there are going to be things that come up every once and awhile especially when having a surgical procedures where using a very small amount of meds for a very short amout of time where you have put steps in place not to relapse that many of us need relief and how to do it without it costing our sobriety.Also the guilt and fear that comes along with use even when we truly know we need it .A large amount of us suffer from chronic pain issues most have found alternatives that work ninty ninety present of the time but we do need safeguards in place if the pain is to bad to handle .I know for myself I could only do this for a short time I have well over two years now and I still found myself after a shot and two pills the addictive thinking coming right back in but I was aware and I dealt with it talked about it with my therapist and a forum member that I trust right away .If I thought I could handle my pain meds with safegards for a long period threw this I would have but I know it does not take long for the thoughts and schemes to start playing like a reel in your head so I deal most day and make the best out of it ...

[jenny06xx]

im a bit confused here sorry to jump in on the thread but...........
the advise given that ive picked up on is if you take the meds given as prescribed then its ok to take them is that short term or long term??
or am i completely wrong ?
bmdad.. you know yourself better than anyone and if u want off these pills this is exactly what you will do !! youve done it before and will do it again we all have faith in you and you have faith in yourself......... u will do this be strong!!
jen

[bmdad]

I am ready to stop more than anything. I can't bring myself to tell my wife. If I fail, which I won't, then I will tell her. I've made it in the past and it has always been the pain that has brought me back to using. I'm like Gnarly though, I want my life back more than I want the physical pain gone. I will tell my doctor and have them document it in my records. In the past I did tell one of my doctors but he left and I moved to a different office. I've had many months clean in the past and know I can do it again. I know I mentioned that I was going to taper for about a week, but I now decided that come Monday I'm calling it quits and just going ct. I've done it before and worked while doing it. I'm currently laid off so I figure I have the luxury of being able to do this without too many responsibilities except for my wife and kiddos once they get home from school. So now is a better time than any. I am so ready to do this. I want the old me back and I can taste it. What's a few days of he!!? It's such a short amount of time in order to get my life back on track. I want to be able to truly smile again and feel the natural sense of well being. I'm sick and tired of my feelings and emotions being masked by pain meds. I was feeling good for a good month there until I screwed it all up. I will have that back again and will very soon. I'm ready for the withdrawals and ready feel like crap because that just means it won't be long until I'm back to the true me. So withdrawals, bring it on, I'm not afraid. I'm looking forward to them! Not that I'll enjoy it though!..lol But I know I'll make it through just as I have before and just as so many others have also.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Brian ...god I feel your pain and sympathies with you back pain is debilitating
especially when something is really wrong ..I have 2 herniated disks L4/L5 andS1/L5
in my lower back as well as an in-pigment in my neck from rolling my jeep a few yrs back ...I know what its like to live in chronic pain today im on disability because of it
today I choose not to treat it with narcotics any more I want my life back more then I want the pain gone...im ok as long as I watch what i do but am very limited on what I can do...sometimes we need to learn to live within our limitations its not a choice I like but it one that I have to live with or pay the price of sever back pain...as for taking pain pills I have had my fill....I have abused everything they ever gave me trying to chase the pain away and its no way to live life.....dude your a great guy your advise is always solid as a rock ..you will get thew this its just a bump in the road... recovery is a process you will have some ups and downs in it...im proud of you making the choice so young to get clean...it took 10yr on pills and 6 1/2yrs on methadone for me to open my eyes..your already miles ahead of me just trying at your age dont give up you can do this and sooner or later its gong to stick ...posting your struggles has helped many here your advise has helped me countless times you have a servants heart so go ahead and post....you have the respect of this whole forum pulling for you and no one is judging you...I hope and pray you make it this next try good luck and God bless Gnarly      

[dominosarah]

Are you ready??!!!!   First and foremost, YOU have to want to get and stay clean more than anything.  That also means coming clean to your family.  Our secrets keep us sick.  Your wife deserves to know and keeping this from her will weigh heavily on your mind.  No more excuses Brian, you get honest with everyone, you, your wife and the doctors......Aftercare is vital to our success in recovery.  We cant do this alone my friend.  There are reasons other than medical why we abuse meds.  Somewhere along the line you have some demons and they need to be faced and dealt with.  Time to get off this roller coaster ride.......It only has one way and that is down.  You are a good and respected man......Isnt it time to finally look in the mirror and like the person who is looking back?  You have it in you, now dig deep and come out fighting....we are right behind you with support and an occasional boot in the a$$!!        sara

[bmdad]

By the way, you all have already made me feel so much better. Thank you for not judging and helping me though.

[bmdad]

Pharma.......The 5 norco I took in the middle of January after some steroid shots in my back. They ended going to deep and nailed my bone. Darn did that hurt for a few days! I only took 5 in 2 days and stopped. I got right back up and didn't really consider that a relapse. This time around I was taking some oxycodone that was prescribed. I went to my doctor and was offered and that stupid little trigger went off. You know that internal smile you get? That internal smile that we all fear. My doctor I use now is against pain meds but will prescribe at times. I even told him in the past that I was done but it didn't stop him from offering. I knew better at the time and should have said no but my addiction got the best of me. I didn't take them as prescribed. I took way more like I did in the past. I'm gonna set up another appointment with my doctor and instead of just telling him no more I'm gonna tell him my problem with them. I'm sick of the cycle. I remember when I had the year clean I felt amazing. I want that back more than anything. I will deal with my back and sciatic pain. I still have some left and I think I may do a quick taper for 5 days or so. I have done this in the past and for me it really did help. If I find myself taking more, the toilet will just have to be the one with the addiction issue.
No one in my family knows the extent of my use. They all know I take them for pain but don't know how many. I just cannot bring myself to tell my wife or anyone as my wife worries about stuff enough the way it is. I know she would support me but she has asked in the past how many I took and of course I lied. I feel horrible for lying but I just can't tell her. If I find I can't do it with the help of you all and myself I will have no choice but to fill her in. But as of now, I am not going to tell her. I know deep down I should because if she loves me enough, which I know she does, we will work through it. We get along great. I think we have only had one argument in the almost 10 years we have been married. I couldn't ask for a better person to share my life with. I just wonder if I deserve her because of my addiction. I almost wish I would have been shot in Iraq instead of injuring my back so I wasn't on pain meds for so long!!..just kidding. It's amazing how one injury can completely change our life. I know it could always be worse though. I feel I have it pretty good compared to many people out there.  But I will only tell her as a last resort. And that last resort will be in a week if I don't get back on that horse. Or that different horse as Ga Guy said! My wife's parents have about 20 horses so I have plenty to choose from!!..lol I've been through this a few times in the past so I know what I have to do. The difference is I am gonna do it this time. I have no other choice. I cannot keep living a live with pills. I will not keep living a life with pills. No excuses. I feel I'm a strong willed, stubborn individual so once I get in the right mindset, I will succeed. My wife and I are going on a trip in April for our 10 year anniversary and I want to be back to normal by then. Usually after a week I feel pretty darn good. I just need to realize I can't take them for pain. I should have learned this by now. I knew I would take too many. I know it's no excuse but I wish I would have known he was gonna offer them. I guess from now on no matter what kind of appointment I have I have to go in there expecting them to write a script for pain meds. I figure doing this will keep me on my toes and have "no thanks" programmed in my head. I have never been to a na meeting as I am shy as can be in person. But it's time to bury that and just go and listen. Once I get to know people I probably talk too much. I know after time I will warm up to certain people and be just fine with talking. Even if I don't talk, listening to others will help so much I'm sure. I know I have to do something different. I may just continue to try the forum as aftercare but if I come even close to getting the urge to use I will haul butt to a meeting!
I know Greebs mentioned before to others to take the supplement Gaba. Does anyone know what this does? I have all the stuff from the amino acid protocol and plan on starting that again as it really does help. I will also be bundling up and going for some jogs as exercise can be our best friend during withdrawals.
Thank you all so much for the support. It is truly priceless. I hope everyone is doing well.
So how does everyone feel about someone that is not clean still giving advice? I just feel guilty for doing so.
Thanks again!
Brian

[Calamity2]

Yes it is nice you give advise to others. BUT I must add. It doesnt help your family. In your using you have taken the most important thing away from them. Thier head.  You can get high and buzz away "helping everyone on here"  But I have to tell you ITS A RIP OFF !!!!!!!   It's a bunch of BS MARINE!!!!!   Grow a set of ba###  and save the man that's down . Save yourself for your family. I hope they are more important to you than all of us. I'm telling you the truth . In order to get clean you will have to get honest!!

[Beccabeccalynn]

Anyone is welcome here especially a great guy like you. Honesty is the best policy
becca

[OIFMc09]

Brian, I know how you feel about offering advice while you're using...you feel like a hypocrite.  But like you said, you like to help people and just because you and I have slipped up doesn't make our knowledge about pills, withdrawal and addiction any less valid.  We still know what we're talking about because we've been through it time and time again.  I like to help out too, and I like to write to keep my skills sharp since I'm a student.  Nobody has the right to judge us like that - unless we're giving bad advice - and I don't think anyone on here does.  I like being a part of this community and you do too, it would be a shame if you felt like you weren't "worthy".  You're a good guy and everyone likes having you around.

[avisg]

. I myself have alot of support and accountability the 5 hydro were given directly to my husband by the pharmacist.  The doctor new  about my addiction as well as the er .If I need one I ask my  BH .The whole family is on board .I see my addiction therapist .That does not mean I don't suffer from guilt and fear  and addictive thinking they are  natural feelings. Just means I have come far enough to recognize and admit the feelings I feel .If after I have surgery if I need pain relief I will use the same type of plan we did this time .However bravo to U for  having your wisdom teeth pulled and not needing a single pill.  However your not every person and not every pain issue is the same .

[GA Guy]

People always tell people who relapse that they should get back up on the horse. The problem with that is that we usually ride the horse the exact same way expecting to be able to eventually ride the thing. You need to find the right horse. What's your aftercare plans? Are you doing any aftercare at all? there are ways to treat legitimate pain without it causing relapse. I recently had 5 wisdom teeth removed and didn't take a single pill. I was knocked out with versed and fentanyl..but, I had a big group of safeguards around me that kept me in check. Come up with a new plan and find a new horse...one that you can ride forever.

[avisg]

There are going to be times u need pain relief they are not relapses unless u abuse the meds .I understand the feeling I was in the ER last Sunday I felt so guilty after he me 5 5mg hydros I have a cpl left i use them only if I have too because the fear and guilt is so hard to deal with ...So its very hard to deal with u tend to suffer either way suffer with guilt or suffer in pain .All I know for sure is I don't want to go back threw what I went threw before. A few more weeks and they should surgically fix my problem and then i can get back to enjoying living instead of fearing pain so you are not the only one going threw this I am here if u need to talk.

[10356]

I do remember :)) Pop Pop Popping those pills all you fuc-king drug addicts I get off on  popping those pills !! Oh yes it takes Big dogs to pee on a Red Wood Tree LOL LOL I'm so glad you are the same :)))))))) and I'm so very glad you are still here :))

[pharma9]

Brian...good to hear from you again and how many pills are you taking daily.If it was just those 5 narcos what are you fretting about.That was how narcotics are best used.For short periods of time so tolerance and addiction does not develop.
I do not consider 5 narcos in special conditions a relapse.IT show strength of character to take that few and not continue.Even if you did continue for some time as ltaken as prescribed you did OK.
Gosh darn its good to hear from you and that you will probably get your job back.
I have had a dental abscess and pulled muscles in my back and only took ibuprofen and it helped OK.Opiates were not even an option for me.I just made up my mind.It seemed funny not to pop 2 pr 3 tylenol#3 for the pain ,but to take otc meds.
Keep posting for your advice is treasured around here.