Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

I think I need to be talked off the ledge

I am now 20 days clean off of Percocet 7.5/325 10-12(ish) a day. I am through the w/d's- the physical ones anyways however, the mental ones are THERE and seem to be getting stronger and stronger.  I promised myself that I would not call in for my monthly script.....however, I did. The blessing in disguise ( I think) was that they put in the Date: section of the script - Fill date of 9/16 with *stars* ALL around it. This made me angry of course when I picked the script but, yet that did not stop me from trying to fill it and of course being denied.  I have filled my scripts a day or two early w/ no prob and always get "lucky" when I go late at  night and get the sleepy pharmacists at the 24hr CVS..... WOW, that sounds amazingly PATHETIC when saying that out loud!! But, this time no luck.  So here I am sitting here w/ my script of 120 percs and I feel 50/50 on having the strength to fill it.  I have 4 kids that are my life and I have been pretty short tempered w/ my 2youngest (1 & 3) and keep playing the mental game w/ myself.... "If I go ahead and fill it, I will have the energy to take them here and there, I won't feel so frustrated and irritated etc..." and In my sick mind even though I know better, and know that my kids love the sober me (not that they knew the diff) I keep telling myself this is ok.   I have not been clean for this long in a few years and I am just feeling SO WEAK right now.  I find myself wanting to try diff pharmacies- even stooped as low as thinking of calling another CVS in the area and saying "Hi this is such and such from store #8008 calling to see if you have "my drug" in stock.... you do, ok- sending a customer over to you"  etc.... OMG IT HURTS TO BE THIS HONEST and share these thoughts- like such a flippin loser.  They have done this before when I have tried to fill my script early and did it w/ no prob.... UNREAL.  These thoughts make me feel like such a loser and a junkie over some damn PILLS- not that it matters, but I am educated, good job, excellent husband, healthy kids and I am feeling at my lowest right now and have NEVER had such an  internal fight with myself.  I just don't know what to do. Thnx
12 Responses
Avatar universal
i understand every word you wrote. You just did great by posting this cause that means you want some help to stay clean. You are 3 weeks tomorrow and you said this is the longest in a few years, so don't turn back now. i struggled and posted today and have fought cravings for over a week now, so lets keep fighting. If you sit there holding on to that script i think you know as well as i do it will be filled. All these thoughts you are thinking are normal thoughts during craving and they can be scary. you need to dig deep now, get support and fight with all you have. rip up the script. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER, and if you are then i guess most of us here are too, cause addiction is tough. be proud of yourself for being so honest about this, addiction feeds off guilt and denial. Get rid of the script.
Avatar universal
You can do this. You need to believe in what strength is inside you! Flush em. One day your kids are going to now , make them proud knowing you beat this evil animal of addiction!!! DONT GIVE IN>>>
452063 tn?1324074916
1)"and this time with no luck" You had alot of luck by them not filling it
2) If you fill it you will take them all.
3) Realize that if you want to quit  you will have to go through this from day 1 again and again if you keep using. Your kids will as well. The only way to keep from going through it all over is not to use.

This is a hugh internal fight and we all understand it so keep posting and let everyone talk you through it. It will be worth it sooner than you think. Get the strength to stop the supply...tell your doctor to stop giving them to you. If you have a source you will probably use again.

Lots of luck, I'll keep you in my prayers. GBU, Corey
372416 tn?1242665752
Sorry to hear your struggle.  And yes, it is a blessing in disguise, b/c maybe by the 16th, your cravings will have passed.

Gotta laugh though.........I'm calling to see if you have my DRUG in stock!  Percs....like, who ever runs out of that?, or doesn't carry that!  LOL.

Keep posting.........you'll be alright.
Avatar universal
i am terrified.....im almost 8 months and i need to stop but the pain drives me crazy and make me depressed n stressed and when i take the percocets.....i feel "normal" I am happy to see that it can be done....I am on my way to doing it and im sooo scared but i have to
Avatar universal
enemy- the funny/SAD thing is....... is that my pharmacy CONSTANTLY runs out of percs and often sends me to a near-by one....sad, I know.
Avatar universal
The first 7-10 days are definitely the worst when it comes to physical w/d's then after that its mostly the mental cravings... it does get better once you get through this.  I know you are probably like "yeah right, take advice from this weak heffer? No Thanks!" lol
But really, I am having a weak moment right now and appreciate all of the support.  I was prescribed hydro's during my last pregnancy for sciatic nerve pain- I understand the fear.  Thanks again
Avatar universal
I logged on today for the first time in months with the intent to share my story and ask for support, but your letter stopped me - you are at such an important corssroad, perhaps the first time facing such intense and temping cravings, but not the last - and from personal experience, the way you handle this, the CHOICE that you make, can be one of the farthest-reaching decisions in your life. I know it seems a small decision - to fill one itty bitty script or not, but if you are anything like me, the one script will become a hundred.

The craving is most intense at the moment, but paradoxically you are also in the strongest position ever to say no - once you get a pill under your belt, your "will power" will be hijacked by the drug.

Last year in November, after having been posting on the board since about August and using it as a support, I detoxed off my tablests for apporximately 9 days (honsetly can't remember how many). Endured the physical, but then on that fateful day, I had exactly that same mental debate as you are having now, and I chose to give in, certain that because I had lasted 9 days, which was way longer than ever before, I could manage a one off "treat". It is now ten months later, and I am still on the pills, the cycle having begun with that one decision/chioce/lie to myself/justification.

Did I plan to go back to full fledged using? No, it was going to be just one box, just one evening.
Did I plan on developing medical complications as a result of my choice (kidney problems, ten stomach ulcers that were bleeding and casuing severe anemia)? Of course not, it was just one evening...
Did I expect that I would all but drop out of my studies because of the psychological and physical consequences of that choice? No, on the contrary, I had nothing but the best and most hopeful plans - but all those plans hinged on me staying CLEAN.

My opinion is that when one of us addicts gets clean, its as if the stars line up in a certian way up in the sky or whatever, and there is a remarkable window of opportunity - you having 20 days shows that you took that opportunity with both hands. Now hang on to it - NOW is the hard part, because although each of these choices (to use today or not to use today) seems just about today, a small decision, it is actually a HUGE decision that will alter the course of your life - its like a T section in a road, will you go left, the way you have always gone, or will you take another step right, where you have been heading for the past 20 days?

The fact that you are writing so honestly and asking for help shows me that your deeper, inner self, the true self wants to keep walking right (but that good old addict self is interfering :-)). The only peace to be found here is to tear up that prescripton (I know, I know, harsh...) becase then you do not have access, and therefore the question no longer exists. Take the debate out of your head.

All the very best to you, let your deeper self, the one that knows the best future for you and your lovely kids is to keep off the tablets, let her take your hand and walk with her.

Avatar universal
THANK YOU so much for your response! For some reason you have touched me and I feel like my fight has been worth something and WHY would I turn back now just to go through it allll over again??? I agree totally that the lies/justifications we tell ourselves by far out weigh the physical w/d's and seem to be the harder of the 2 to get through.  It was EXTREMELY hard for me to say those things in print and still feel somewhat ashamed but, it helps me to know that I am not the only person fighting within.  Thank you so much again- and I wish you the best in your battle as well.
401095 tn?1351391770
feeling ur dilemna..sux....if u use thn u feel better///short trm but undo the hard work u have done already...then the time comes again when u will run out/neverending cycle/over and over ond over like a clock that never runs out of batteries or power...just on and on.....thinking in the future is so important right now as u r stuck in the present//the drugs are talking to ya..."take me, take me"  I know as i have heard them talk to me so many times....calling ur doctor and telling him what they already know may help/cut ur supply off....make it really hard on urself to get pills....but u gotta be ready..really ready....think of the reasons why u quit?  they r still here/they did not go anywhere...u will experience the same cycle again if not worse this time..it never ends...until u end it..keep posting
614557 tn?1243708351
The pharmacy is aware that you have a problem, so those stars could mean allot of things.They will investigate- trust me.This should be a wake up call.I would rip up the script and be done.If you cut off your supply, you can stay focused on your recovery.
454371 tn?1221297385
Your post touched my heart.. We all know your struggle. Althought my kids are grown and gone I still remember those days..

I too would call my doctor for my monthy refill. All the while wanting to stop the nightmare. I would eat my perc and be out before I knew it.. What a merry go round. I would dr shop, the whole ten yards. Even spent 100's of dollars going to a sub dr, Just to fail the sub.. I could not take it.. I finally made an appt with my Dr, I told him the truth, The whole ugly truth. Of course crying the whole time. I knew If I was going to stop, I had to cut off my supply. I have to say he was very understanding and very helpful. I have my life back and could not be happier. I only wish I had been honest with him months ago. Sounds like your Dr may already think you have a problem or that you are selling them..I remember my Dr asking me that, If I was selling them..LOL...
Only you can make the call on your Rx, Good luck and keep posting...

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