I thought I would share a little more with you.

[Pat1956100]

I have given you bits and pieces of my story but thought maybe it would help me if I told you more.  My husband had a brain aneurysm almost 6 yrs. ago.  He lived for a yr and at times I thought he was going to make it but I watched him have several seizures and everything else that could go wrong.  He died a yr later. Then found out my sister who had been fighting ovarian cancer was dying as it spread to her brain.  I was off work looking after my husband and was planning on returning when I found out my best friend who also worked there had taken my job and I wasn't needed anymore.  Her brother was one of the owners so enough said. While my husband was in hospital I was introduced to percocets.  My doctor had been prescribing my tylenol 3 for my pain and at times would give me percocet.  Well they solved everything.  My physical and mental pain.  Yes, I just kept needing more and more and more.  Found someone who would sell me endless supplies.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression.  I spent at least 3 yrs. in bed and only went out when I had to.  I have just spent a month trying to get off of these pills.  Went 10 days clean and now trying again to beat this.  I am taking a few a day and hoping to quit asap.  Hopefully tomorrow will be day 1.  I have support now but if I don't do this I won't have it in the future.  I hope this helps understand me a a little more.  The anxiety and sadness came back once I was off so I have to plan on getting thru this anyway.  Thanks so much for all your comments. You guys rock.
Pat xo

[texaslady68]

Pat,

I know what you are going through.  I have over 130 days clean and it has not been easy.  I especially understand the panic attacks.  I had to get on a low dose of xanax to help me and they saved me from relapse.  I only took them when I needed them (I hate benzos) and no longer need them.  I also had to get on an anti-depressant which has done wonders as well.  I have started seeing a therapist for all the issues that I never dealt with for the 5-6 years I was on pills.  Alot of my issues go back to childhood and I never really realized until therapy that they were so bothersome.  I lost my grandmother and father within 4 months of one another so I know about loss.  I also went through a divorce after my husband cheated with my "best" friend.  The pressures of being a single mom  to two teens is tough and I thought I needed the pills to not deal with anything that really needed dealing with.

I almost lost my really good job when I was taking those devil pills.  It amazes me how well I can focus and no longer make mistakes when I am working.  I am also no longer missing work.  

You can do this, just please see a doctor about your panic attacks.  Some people do not need the help with medication and some do.  I thought I was going to die mine were so bad.  Also, you MUST find some counseling and deal with these things in your sober mind.  God Bless!

[wransomejr]

Pat, after 15 years we had our union solemnized at our Episcopal church in the Diocese of California, where that is allowed (doesn't legalize anything) and it was one of the best days of my life. Steven's death and the process of celebrating his life 3 years later was also one of the most holy experiences I have ever been through. I am so thankful for those years. He died from a sudden pulmonary embolism on May 6, 2006, and in a few quick hours my life completely shattered. I couldn't afford to stay in San Francisco so I moved home. A plus is I am near family, especially my parents at a time when they need me. I will turn 50 in a few weeks. Steven died just two months after his 50th. That is an odd feeling. I try to sound upbeat for everyone but I get cravings every day. It is hard getting used to being sober. I haven't broken down and gone to a meeting yet, but thankfully I get busy when I am craving something and forget about it. Thank you for being my friend. Peace be with you always. -Randy

[Pat1956100]

I'm so sorry for your loss Randy.  It is pretty hard to deal with the loss of our spouse.  It's something that is all consuming.  All your dreams for the future together have been shattered and you can't escape because it hits you every time you wake up and every time you go to bed.  Every time you walk into your empty house.  I know I am sounding a little sad right now but I also know that you understand.  Congratulations on your clean time.  You had a good plan and stuck to it.  Hugs to you.
Pat

[wransomejr]

Loosing my partner of 18 years sent me to the pills, too. It was supposed to be a short-term help, but became a way of life. I am not using right now, but my days are pretty blah. We can get better if we stay the course! - Randy

[minn66]

I go back on the 16th. Not looking forward to it but trying to be positive. I have been reading a lot of inspirational, motivational, and positive thinking material to try to get my attitude right. It most likely won't be as bad as I think it may. Yet, I'm going to miss puttering around the house, sitting on the bench in the back yard, and just being able to take it easy. I needed this time off to regenerate as much as I did to be able to go to physical therapy and my other treatments. My pain levels are much lower now and I am doing so much better. My boss had made comments before I went on leave about my job performance not being what it used to be, in other words, that since I stopped taking the pills I can't work as much overtime and need more time off to go to PT, massage therapy, and to get my trigger point injections.

I'll be okay, I know that. Yet I will definitely miss this time that I have been off.

Don't worry, I will still be around! :)

Hugs,

Minn

[Pat1956100]

When do you go back to work Minn? You will be missed and I for one will be counting on you checking in at night lol.  

[minn66]

Hi pat, I know what you mean about this forum. It has been a lifeline for me. When I go back to work I won't be able to post near as much. I'm going to miss that. Even though I won't be here as often, you can bet I'll be here checking in when I can. Pat, I have faith in you. I believe you will be able to overcome this. Hang in there, hun.

Hugs,

Minn

[Pat1956100]

Thanks Randy
I feel like I have so many friends here.  I love checking on everyone and making sure they are okay.  I worry about the people who have stopped posting.  I don't think I will ever leave this forum.  We all have something in common and have shared so much with each other.  I have told you guys more than I have told alot of people that I have known for years.  I don't just mean the drug part lol.
The support here is so sincere and I thank god for finding this forum.
I am so proud of you and how strong you are.  I will be staying in touch and will be counting my clean days soon.
Mwah
Pat.

[ribs2k]

Hey Pat. It is clear everybody is pulling for you and none more than me.  You are very strong and your posts helped me get through some of the tougher times. Stay in touch, feel free to email too. Take care Randy

[Pat1956100]

I am so sorry for all you have been through too.  Cancer is a very scary thing to deal with and you are a real trooper.  I can't imagine all the emotional things that you have had to deal with.
Pat xo

[Pat1956100]

Hi Sharon.
Sorry I started that other post a couple of days ago.  I will stick to this one. Yes after 10 days clean, I had a sever panic attack that wouldn't stop and went to my neighbor and got a pill and then a back up in case it happenend again.  That started it.  I had a bad toothache and got tylenol 3 from my dentist but those weren't good enough so I got more percs. I have been taking anywhere from 2 to 6 a day.  I had a couple of days without any.  I wake up and try to go without but........ I have been taking them for about 9 or 10 days now.  I can't believe after all I went through withdrawing that I could so easily start up again.  I do know now that once you take that first pill your brain is no longer thinking clearly.  I do have to quit and I will quit.  Way too many people are invested in this and more importantly, I am.  
Thanks for all your comments and for caring.

[Sharon0255]

you will not experience a bad withdrawal if all your taking is a couple pills.. It is all mental Pat not physical. Trust me I withdrew 3 times each one was a bit easier phssicaly and worse emotionally and mentally, not trying to discourage you but I have to be honest.
I can hear you are in the emotional wringer in your posts and so was I but not today, I'm better than I've been in a long time and honestly I have no cravings right now. I have other shuff but it doesn't compare to the pain of taking pills against my will. I know my life was circling the drain at the end and today I'm a willing participant in my recovery.
The pain is also in the resistance to make the decision to flush or use once I made the decision and flushed somehing happenede and the pills lost their power for awhile anyway.the emotional part is the hardest for me I want to be better right now and it's not going to happen. But I've finally realized time is on my side and this is not a race.I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and look forward and not back where the pills wanted me to be in the past hating myself for all the horrible things that I did on the pills.
Today I spend every day forgiving myself and loving my family.
All thanks to meeting and my peeps here that I stay in touch with daily usually through PM. Sharon

[Pat1956100]

Hi Sharon,
I remember reading your posts and you seemed very determined to get clean.
Thanks to everyone for your kind words.  I will do this, I have to do this.
I am planning on after my next sleep (don't know when that will be) hopefully tomorrow to try again.  Also hoping it's not too bad this time.  A few people have said it shouldn't be but I will take it as it comes.  I'm not feeling that great taking pills anyway.  It seems to make me fill sick but it does help the mental stuff.  I will keep posting as I go through it.  I know I have alot of support here and I am glad I told you all about it.

[Pat1956100]

Hi Sharon,
I remember reading your posts and you seemed very determined to get clean.
Thanks to everyone for your kind words.  I will do this, I have to do this.
I am planning on after my next sleep (don't know when that will be) hopefully tomorrow to try again.  Also hoping it's not too bad this time.  A few people have said it shouldn't be but I will take it as it comes.  I'm not feeling that great taking pills anyway.  It seems to make me fill sick but it does help the mental stuff.  I will keep posting as I go through it.  I know I have alot of support here and I am glad I told you all about it.

[Sharon0255]

Pat I have been following your posts for awhile. You and I have a lot in common. I went through hell battling cancer for a few years and wound up addicted to oxycodone in numbed all the emotional as well as the physical pain, I know now I;ve been in denial and the pills helped me stay there, Well I landed here in November and the one thing I did right was I kept trying to stay clean, I would get 40 or 50 days and relapse happened 3 times but God didn't waste any of it. It was so hard to stay here and be honest.Every time I got clean I hated myself and everything I was running from slammed me. What happened for me was the pain of using was finally harder than the pain of being clean,
Well I don't post much right now but I'm always reading and you inspired me to post. I'm 28 days clean and I can honestly say I'm coasting and I don'y hate myself at all this time. I;m naccapting my reconstruction and trying to live life on lifes terms. I am in meetings every day. Anyway just wanted to let you know that even relapsers get clean if they don't give up. Sharon

[IwillDoThis]

Pat - I just wish I could reach out and give you a hug as well.  You've been through so much and yet here you are reaching out wanting to get better - you DO want to live that much is plain to see.

Everything you ran from in taking pills will be waiting for you to smack you in the face once you get off pills - this is good to expect and know because you must have a plan to deal with it.  Emotions will be very raw in the beginning and getting into therapy to deal with grief, loss and life in general is essential.  This is a journey, a path to walk and with the right support in place you can do this.

I cannot tell you how much better my pain has been off opiates than on, I was deluding myself that I needed the pills and that changing my lifestyle choices, light exercise and other alternative methods wouldn't change anything.  I was wrong.

Hang in there Pat - we are all pulling for you!

[Pat1956100]

I should have also said (I was afraid that I was running out of room)that I did return to work.  I started out at Walmart in the toy dept.  It was fun while I was flying on percs but physically I just ached.  My doctor said I needed traction for my neck and arm pain and physio for my back.  Of course I couldn't afford that when I was spending all my money on pills.  
I got another job where  I do have to stand but not as much walking.  I was doing very well except for phoning in sick often because I woke up in withdrawals all the time. (percs only last about 4 hours).  I decided to be honest but they want to make sure I am clean before I go back.  I am supposed to call them in a month.  I was feeling pretty discouraged.  I thought i could go back right away but honestly wasn't up to it.
I have come a long way with my grief.  I really miss them and it makes me angry that 2 good people were taken from this earth.  I do feel very sad but not sorry for myself.  They are the ones who died.  I am still living and know I have reasons to live.  Something I didn't think before.  I wanted to die and very surpised I didn't.  

[littlebit667]

Ms. Pat you are survived so much and with time you will survive this!  The demons that keep us on the pills must be slayed to keep us clean.  Thanks for sharing.  Wanting to get clean is so big.  Keep pushing thru and keep coming here.  I am so grateful to this board as I know you are.  

[4WendyJ]

Continued..... We heal at our own rate so have patience with yourself.  Get help for that addiction.  Talk to your doctor and keep us posted.  Challenge yourself to get out of your house once a day for at least a few yards.  Learn to call people you know and call them.  Reach out to people.  Isolation feeds upon itself.  I isolated for years and I want you to know there is a beautiful wonderful life waiting for you.  Take baby steps.  You can do it.  Let me know how you are doing.  

[4WendyJ]

You have to be clean in order to heal all of that pain inside of you.  You might want to consider professional help for you problem.  Once I got sober, I did heal inside with PTSD therapy.  It was at that point that I was able to stay sober continually.  It was a vicious circle.  We all heal at our own rate so kep working

[minn66]

Oh pat, you have been through so much. I wish I could just hug you. I believe we all have pain, mental pain, that we try to numb with the pills. I'm thinking of you, hun, and believe with the counseling and support you need you can begin to address these issues. You have my support.

Hugs,

Minn