I want my life back

[fredjones]

Hey everyone

My story is a lot like yours. I have let pills become the center of my world. Not much matters anymore except where can I find them? are they 5s, 10s, or 20s? how much will they be? how many can I get? how long will these hold me until the next time I need to cop them?

I'm 37 years old and have taken pills every day for the past 15 months. Sure, I've been prescribed several different pills over the years for various reasons, but honestly in the past year I've just been buying them off the street. Norco. Oxy. Oxycotin. Vics. In July 2010 I found 60mg Oxycotin and tore those bid red pills up. Loved them. Went in hard. That was it. Camels back totally destroyed. August it was Oxy (percs), then Vics, then who knows. For the past 2 months I've been using the yellow Norcos 10/325, 6 times a day when I thought about it, up to 14 times a day when I didnt. I would take 2 or 3 just to get outta bed in the morning. My life is in a complete haze. I feel no pain, but then again I feel nothing. No happiness, no joy, no love, no excitement, nothing.  

On Christmas day I had a moment of clarity, I saw myself for what I really am, an addict. Its so hard to type that but its true.

I found this forum that day, Christmas, and have been doing heavy reading ever since. There is a thread by the member hiskidd that really caught my attention. He is a hero to me, thank you David! You have given me so much inspiration and strength by reading of your journey. Stay strong my friend.

So here it is. I'm an opiate addict, and I'm determined to stop. I've been tapering down for 5 days (today I took one and a half Norco, tomorrow I'll take one and flush the rest down the drain), and Thursday will be day 1 of the rest of my clean sober life. I chose Thursday to start b/c I have a 3 day weekend from work starting Friday. So my NYE will be spent in bed going thru hell, and for good reason. I want to feel again. I want to see the world, not thru the pill induced fog I am currently dwelling within, but thru the clear eyes God blessed me with. I want to smell the air outside. I want to hear birds sing. I want to smile. I want ME back.

Tried to stop earlier this year, but on day 2 I caved. WD was way too much for me at the time and i turned my phone on. This time, I know what to expect. I have all of you to lean on (hopefully). And I know in my heart that I truly want to change, no matter what it takes.

The Thomas plan and the amino acids plan look good, and everyone speaks so highly of them, so earlier today I went to Walgreens and stocked up on Restful Legs, Imodium, 5HTP, valerian root, Melatonin, Epson Salts, apple juice, gatorade, green tea, and a good multi-vitamin.

I'm an addict, yes. But, starting Thursday I will no longer be a user. Thanks for letting me type on this forum. I plan on coming here often, as I'm sure I'll be in freak-out mode come Thursday. Please check on me in this thread over the weekend, if you think about it. I'm sure I will need some encouragement. If you have any advise, I'm all ears. Thanks again, and God bless.

[fredjones]

Hi kym

Congrats on 3 days and for making the decision to start over without pills!
We will all help you on here as we are going thru the exact same crisis. It sounds like you're off to a good start. You're probably still going thru wds, they will not get any worse physically. By day 4 I was feeling much better. Have you looked at the Thomas Recipe & Amino Acids plan on this website? They will help u greatly. I'm 19 days clean now, still have sleep and pain issues, but life is better. You can make it, you will make it. Yay for deciding to take your life back!

[bugkac]

I have been takeing norco  vicodin.  I woke up 3 days ago and said enouh was enough.  My doctor prescribed since 2006 , 150 a month which covered to take 4-6 hour for pain. I would have no pain and still took them then run out and get another docotor to prescribe for me. So in the end i had 2 pharmacies i went to and 2 doctors. I have a 10 year old who constantlay complained i did nothing with her anymore like i used to after xmas.  At that time i knew i had to get rid of these devil pills that i was abuseing.  It has been 3 days and i went cold turkey and yes, the cold, sweats, anxiet and alll bowel movements have happened.  Fatigue is horrible, i am still drinking diet coke and coffee to just stay awake enough to feed her food and talk to her so she does not get scared. I have been liening to her that i have a cold, since i am sneezing and vomiting with diarrhea.  I just want to know when this ends.  I am jobless at this time and saw an opportunity to make a fresh start when i get a job...So when do i get my life that i loved back and stop the physical ailgments....can any one help me.   kym

[laurel453]

hey, good on going for a meeting... i see the aftercare as part of opiate treatment after detoxing. I wish i would have started mine before i did  cause since i started working on my personal problems and addictive behaviour, life has been much better for me. :)

thank you also for your words, the hard work was yours :) this is a really special place for me, without all the people here i wouldn't be where i am now, this is for sure, giving and taking !!

keep on walking on this new life you have started :)

[fredjones]

Hey everyone. I hope you are doing well in sobriety. The road has been a bumpy one for me, but on Day 6 of being clean I'm honestly feeling really good. I'm back to work, clean, and its waaaaaaay better than before. Conversations are so much easier, and genuine now. Social interactions are just awesome. I feel like everything around me and about me has improved. I can see and appreciate the little things, that weeks ago I didnt even know existed. Its crazy, but life without pillz has made me feel better than I can remember feeling in ages. Although sleep and energy are still off, the physical wds are mostly over for me. Now I face the mental challenges, and as gnarly_1 has advised these are 2/3 of the battle. I do feel strong, and attended my very first NA meeting this evening. This forum has been a Godsend. I'm not sure if I could have made it out of the place I was without all the help I received here.

I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to so many people on here that helped me, gave me advise, encouragement, and the mental strength to face my demons and make it this far. Sarah, Laurel, & ImDONENoMore, the three of you have been like guardian angels to me, thank you just doesnt measure up to the gratitude I have for you guys. Posting a reply or just checking up on me may not seem like a big deal, but when I was going thru the really bad times, those replys meant the world and gave me strength. IBKleen, 10356 lesa, FassFeast, Rikki, quitinoxys, and everyone that messaged me, prayed for me, or even read of my journey, thank you guys so much. So many good warm-hearted people on this forum, I'm going to stick around here for as long as you'll have me. To anyone going thru wds right now, my heart and prayers go out to you. God bless you all.

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 4 days!!  Sounds like a good day already for you!!!  Get up and stretch and take a warm shower.  Should help your back.

Why do the dogs always get blamed?!!!!  LOL

[IBKleen]

Congrats on Day4, keep it going!

BTW, the dog has gas story does not fly in this house. I know who it really is ...LOL

[fredjones]

I made it to day 4! Very excited that here I am, waking up, and my first thought is "yes 4 days no pillz" instead of waking up and tossing them back. Thanks to everyone on here that has given me encouragement. I mean that, thank you. I feel so much better today, mentally Sharp, headache is almost gone, Hahaha my Rottie is even in the bed with me and my wife. I keep blaming him for my gas, its great! The worst thing is back pain, probably from laying in bed all night and morning. Another day closer to obtaining my life back. Yessssssssss!!!

[fredjones]

Day 3 almost over. Either something I'm taking OTC has opiates in it, or I'm doing really well. I'm taking Excederin Migraine, Alka Seltzer Cold & Flu (yesterday was last time), 5HTP, B-Complex, Multi-Vitamin, Valerian root, Melatonin, Hylands Restful Legs, (seems like a LOT) and drinking plenty of fluids.The flu feeling is over for the most part, although I am still sneezing quite a bit. Never even needed to take the imodium. The aches and restless feelings are very faint at this point. Emotionally, I'm alright. I have moments in which I crave, but not like before. Sleeping well, my energy level is not great but its not bad either. IDK. One day at a time, this day was good.

[fredjones]

Indeed, Sarah. Only way it makes sense. I'm embracing it.

Rikki, congrats to you as well my friend! Not only on Day 1, but also on your decision to come into the light!  This forum, along with a lot of prayer, has been my entire support system thru this. I'm so grateful. Thank you all. God bless

[Rikki68]

Congrats on staying clean! Happy New Year...... ! Im "celebrating" ONE  1   full day being totally clean...... Thank God For This Forum of nice supportive people.

[dominosarah]

That would of been a sign for sure~~~~~

[fredjones]

Yeah that thunder in January is very strange. But it was the timing of it. Imagine, the end of day 2, praying to God for strength, in your bathtub, in the middle of the night, in winter, and then BOOM! Thunder. Just once. surreal

[dominosarah]

Congrats on day 3!!!  You are sounding better already.  Keep up the baths and moving about.

The thunder in winter is really weird isnt it!!  It has happened a few times here too!!      sara

[fredjones]

Wanted to share something. Last night at midnight I was in an Epson salt bath, bringing in the new year, praying. Praying a quite long and personal prayer. At 12:10 when I was finishing up praying, a massive loud thunder boom occurred outside. Literally, there was one huge thunder, and then it started raining. In the Midwest we don't have thunder in the winter. Made me feel so very close to God, that he heard

[fredjones]

Day 3

Happy New Year!

Today is not too bad so far. Body aches, restlessness, Constapated, sneezing, hot cold, That's about it. I'm seriously starting to believe the worst is over. I felt like death during the accelerated taper and on day 1. Today, much improved. My head is clearer today. I'm kinda happy for a new year and a fresh start. Clean. Going to take it easy this weekend, play some xbox, watch tv, clean up the house. Time will tell, but for now, physically, I feel ok.

[fredjones]

Hello, is anybody out there ( pink Floyd voice ) Day 2 almost over. Just cried. Achy. My skin is very uncomfortable. Gassy. Need to use bathroom but can't, just bloated I guess. Praying for us all. I can't remember a new years eve that I was sober. Hopefully this one will start a new trend. 3 hours til 2011. A hot bath with Epson salts and candles sounds nice. Congrats to everyone that made it thru another day! Congrats to everyone that decided to go  clean! I'm proud of you. Stay strong. Were in this together. God bless

[laurel453]

now i am laughing at thinking of you swimming and needing an urgent shoot of immodium , hahaaha
so it seems you are doing great, maybe the taper did help more than it is expected for only a week of tapering, anyway, keep waiking and facing whatever ... :).

[ImDONENoMore]

It's very normal to get tired so easily.  But you made an effort and that means a lot.

The hot tub was a great idea - anything to help you "sweat" out the toxins from your body.  We can't forget that our skin is our largest organ, so a lot of the toxins are released through your skin - which explains all of the sweating while we're withdrawing.  I almost took comfort in those sweats because I knew it was my body just naturally ridding itself of the horrible drugs.

You took another great step toward sobriety today and take much comfort in that.  Cravings will start to subside eventually too - distractions are so important during all of this.  At least those were the things that helped me.

:)

[fredjones]

Swimming was a bad idea. No energy. But the hot tub felt nice. Came back home. Guess it was good to do something today. Hot cold, and did i mention vivid dreams? yeah. Cravings big time right now. Trying NOT to think about it. I'm stronger than them

[dominosarah]

You are doing great so keep moving forward!!  Keep eating those bananas!!       sara

I just saw your mood....Swimming??  We are having a major ice storm followed by snow moving in!!

[fredjones]

O laurel, just saw your post. I'll deal with days 3 and 4 when they come. Day 2 so far has been good to me. One day at a time is kinda how I'm approaching this, even though I'm prepared for the duration.

Sidenote: the NA website for my state has been down for 2 days now. That's strange, especially due to the festive season. At least I've been looking into it

[fredjones]

So I was just in the shower, thinking, when are these wds going to come? I mean, I felt much worse earlier in the week while I was tapering. As I type this right now, I feel really good. Scary. I havent need any imodium yet. My flu has lifted as least for the time being. Is this the quiet before the storm, or could I have gone thru the worst during the taper. 7 days ago I was taking 14 norcos a day. I started the taper last Saturday going to 3, then 2.5 on Sunday, 2 Monday, 1.5 Tuesday, then 1 on Wednesday. Yesterday (Thursday) was my first clean day. I felt like hell the entire time, honestly I feel better today than I have since I started tapering and quitting. Go figure.

If this is just the quiet before the storm, I'm ok with that. IF not, bring it on as I'm ready for that as well. Guess time will tell. I'm going to the Y in a few to swim some laps. Hope I dont need the imodium then lol...

[laurel453]

good... :)  as you may know, days 3 or 4 are usually the worst so if you feel a little bit worse, don't worry , ok ? :)

no problem with the excedrin ( as long as you don't take it at nights if you want to have some sleep cause it has caffeine ) .

[ImDONENoMore]

I took excedrin too - especially in the morning because it helped with my headaches, the aches and pains and the kind I bought contained caffeine and I found that to help with energy early in the day.

I still take the random excedrin from time to time.  I think you should be okay!  And yay for you btw, you are doing so great!  The mindset is the MOST important part of quitting.  We can all deal with the physical stuff when we have to, but it was the mental withdrawal that can be so so tough.  Staying positive about your decision is KEY!

And fassfeat - loved the story about how one of your suppliers quit after you told them you were done.  I guess good decisions do have a ripple effect, huh?

Happy New Year everyone.  2011 is going to be better - no longer a monkey on your back.  How great is that???  Nothing controls you now except YOU.