Aa
ISOLATION & THE HURTING
Good Morning MH:
As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.
I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):
I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups & has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly. In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart. The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers. I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.
After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.
I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life. I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.
As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.
I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):
I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups & has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly. In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart. The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers. I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.
After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.
I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life. I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.
You've done the right thing Annie. You're post is exactly what we AAs and NAs share with our sponsors. We share, like you have shared, to save our lives. Using again isn't an answer and we know there is no way we can possibly keep something like you shared inside of our minds, live with it, and expect to stay clean for very long. Being clean is learning to live with ourselves and at the same time having our minds free and clear of all the mind altering drugs we grew to depend on. It's not easy, and it's the direct opposite of how we were used to living.
A good sponsor won't try to fix us, they'll just listen. Sometimes they'll relate to what's going on with us by sharing something that happened to them in their life. A my meetings we're all equals, just like on this forum. MH and all the good friends you have on here is your sponsor Annie and you're really blessed. When you read everything above this post, it's just an amazing outpouring of true love and support.
We had a busy weekend and I just caught this post, and I trust you're feeling better now that you've shared this. Glad you shared. Reading your post and then reading all the wonderful comments, yet again, has made my own recovery sitting a bit more on solid foundation.
A good sponsor won't try to fix us, they'll just listen. Sometimes they'll relate to what's going on with us by sharing something that happened to them in their life. A my meetings we're all equals, just like on this forum. MH and all the good friends you have on here is your sponsor Annie and you're really blessed. When you read everything above this post, it's just an amazing outpouring of true love and support.
We had a busy weekend and I just caught this post, and I trust you're feeling better now that you've shared this. Glad you shared. Reading your post and then reading all the wonderful comments, yet again, has made my own recovery sitting a bit more on solid foundation.
Annie I am so sorry to hear of all the hardships you have had this past year. It breaks my heart that you have had that happen to you. I am so proud of you for posting and getting some support! You have helped so many others when they are struggling and you should never feel like you need to isolate. I think that counseling may be a good thing to get in there and talk to someone about what happened with the assault. Did you start feeling like isolating after the assault happened? I am not as good with my words as you Annie I just wanted to tell you that we are all here for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh sweet Annie, I'm just now seeing this, I haven't been on in a couple days...I just want 2 let u know I'm thinking of u..ur in my thoughts & prayers sweet girl!!..hope u feel better!! U do so much 4 everyone on here! Now its time 2 take care of u!!..I agree w/Meegy, be selfish & take it! We all love u!!!..hang tough, it will get better!...sending u lotsa big comforting cyber hugs!! <3
I haven't responded to your post Annie although it has been on my mind a lot. I just wanted to say, in reaction to ur follow up just above, let it go! Why don't you let it go, Annie, why do you have to respond to each and every person. It is like homework u make for urself. Now, if you want to do it, it's not for me to say anything at all, I want u to do what u want and be happy. But just think about it, ok, like, TAKE IT! These responses are Yours Annie, they are for YOU. You don't have to give anything back. You've given above and beyond. This one's for you. Just take it. Be 'selfish'!!! This thread is ALL for you. --Meegy
Hi Annie I want to congratulate you on your clean time.
One year is an awesome accomplishment. You are still healing and have
Been dealing with some things that were buried for quite some time.
As you learn to live clean you have had to adjust to things differently.
It takes time.
I can totally relate to not wanting to post. It is a fear of being rejected or not feeling worthy enough of getting responded too.
I think that same way sometimes about talking with people and posting things that concern me as if my thoughts and concerns are less important than someone else's. these are self-esteem issues that we need to work on.
We are important miss Annie and we have a right to talk about ourselves and our concerns just as the next person does.
We need to think more highly of ourselves.
I am glad you realized that isolating is never a good thing.
We can get stuck in our own heads and that can be a dangerous and lonely place.
Please reach out and make some new clean relationships, possibly at your job, maybe through volunteering somewhere, take a yoga class.
Change is never easy, we get so stuck in our ways that doing something different is very frightening.
Keep your head high and be proud of who you are, and what you are.
hugs
Debbie
One year is an awesome accomplishment. You are still healing and have
Been dealing with some things that were buried for quite some time.
As you learn to live clean you have had to adjust to things differently.
It takes time.
I can totally relate to not wanting to post. It is a fear of being rejected or not feeling worthy enough of getting responded too.
I think that same way sometimes about talking with people and posting things that concern me as if my thoughts and concerns are less important than someone else's. these are self-esteem issues that we need to work on.
We are important miss Annie and we have a right to talk about ourselves and our concerns just as the next person does.
We need to think more highly of ourselves.
I am glad you realized that isolating is never a good thing.
We can get stuck in our own heads and that can be a dangerous and lonely place.
Please reach out and make some new clean relationships, possibly at your job, maybe through volunteering somewhere, take a yoga class.
Change is never easy, we get so stuck in our ways that doing something different is very frightening.
Keep your head high and be proud of who you are, and what you are.
hugs
Debbie
This is such a cool thread! So many of the people who make up the backbone of this forum came on to say something. There's so many good ideas, so much support and understanding. I've read through it several times and learned something new each time. Each post reveals a lot about each individual's perspective, but all have the common thread of genuinely caring about your welfare. Good for you that you knew to post publicly at this particular time and juncture, it bodes well for you!
I am so glad you realize how much you are cared about, and how much you mean to this community. If we didn't have you, then a piece of the puzzle would be missing, and you know how important each puzzle piece is to the overall picture. Take care!
As I wrote in a PM this morning, (& I'm ashamed of thinking this) but I posted w/ trepidation as I pretty much believed no one would want to/be able to respond to this before it disappeared. All day yesterday, ache I've been experiencing in my heart center, (a painful physical tightness in my chest & occasionally in my gut) intensified. When I got home @ 1 am this morning & opened the thread I was totally overwhelmed by the number & quality of comments as well as the care expressed in them.
Something shifted off my heart & lungs as I read through the thread & yes, I was moved to silent tears.I felt 'broken open'. I felt a measure of relief, of contact/support that I haven't truly felt in months & I just don't know what to say right now except, thank you, thank you -- Each & Every One of you. What a gift..........
I hope to respond to you individually in the next couple of days. Once again, it's been brought home to me how very blessed & honored I've been to have found MH & all of you.
With a full heart,
Annie
Something shifted off my heart & lungs as I read through the thread & yes, I was moved to silent tears.I felt 'broken open'. I felt a measure of relief, of contact/support that I haven't truly felt in months & I just don't know what to say right now except, thank you, thank you -- Each & Every One of you. What a gift..........
I hope to respond to you individually in the next couple of days. Once again, it's been brought home to me how very blessed & honored I've been to have found MH & all of you.
With a full heart,
Annie
Annie, if I may call you that. :o}
Oh my gosh dear girl, what a treasure you are. I'm not familiar with your
complete story, but after reading this thread I have a pretty good idea what a gift you are to this world.
You are an incredibly strong soul, giving and caring and so intelligent. I suspect one of the reasons this is true is because of your personal journey.
Every single thing that has happened to you in the past has a direct connection to that immensly valuable, sweet, kind person you have become
and are today.
I don't think it's news to you that servitude and pouring yourself into others is a great way to alter what you see through your own microscope. I think you do that as much as you can. Unfortunately, life "undulates", and when we're approaching, then entering that "down dip" it's so difficult if not impossible to see what's happening above us. Holding our breath and trusting that soon we will be able to breathe again as we rise up to embrace, rejoice then prepare for the next dip down. Thank God we get
reprieve, even for just a bit. Take that time to nurture yourself in any and
all the ways you would do for others. As we all benefit from the essence of Annie, when Annie is taken care of.
I'm sorry for the pain and angst you have had and are going through now. You've got some wonderful truthful posts above with more valuable advice than I could ever give. Although just words, I'm hoping you can use them as a life preserver and just hang on till the storm passes.
You are loved, respected and valued. You hold a very important place in this world.
love and hugs
Janice. xo
Oh my gosh dear girl, what a treasure you are. I'm not familiar with your
complete story, but after reading this thread I have a pretty good idea what a gift you are to this world.
You are an incredibly strong soul, giving and caring and so intelligent. I suspect one of the reasons this is true is because of your personal journey.
Every single thing that has happened to you in the past has a direct connection to that immensly valuable, sweet, kind person you have become
and are today.
I don't think it's news to you that servitude and pouring yourself into others is a great way to alter what you see through your own microscope. I think you do that as much as you can. Unfortunately, life "undulates", and when we're approaching, then entering that "down dip" it's so difficult if not impossible to see what's happening above us. Holding our breath and trusting that soon we will be able to breathe again as we rise up to embrace, rejoice then prepare for the next dip down. Thank God we get
reprieve, even for just a bit. Take that time to nurture yourself in any and
all the ways you would do for others. As we all benefit from the essence of Annie, when Annie is taken care of.
I'm sorry for the pain and angst you have had and are going through now. You've got some wonderful truthful posts above with more valuable advice than I could ever give. Although just words, I'm hoping you can use them as a life preserver and just hang on till the storm passes.
You are loved, respected and valued. You hold a very important place in this world.
love and hugs
Janice. xo
Oh, sweet Annie, I am so glad you posted this. Reaching out here is a good sign that you will fight for your recovery. I know it is hard to put it all out there. First, I am so sorry for all you have had to deal with in this last year. I can't imagine how hard it has been, the uncertainty of your living situation, and your unwavering compassion for others, it must be so painful, I am sorry. As far as the assault, I am so angry this happened to you, and I hope the person responsible will be punished, I don't know if you pressed charges, or not. But please talk to someone about this, a counselor if possible. I hurt for you. You are an amazing gift to all of us here, and unfortunately that can lead to neglecting ourselves. I really think, along with many others before me, you should find a support group, however that may look. The fellowship is unparalleled for an addict, this is the face to face support that we need, friend. The contact, the understanding of people who know right where you are and have been. Another thing, and this may not be an option for you right now, but I have been thinking of doing some volunteer work. Some different things have been speaking to me (not literally, lol) and I feel like I need to go serve someone who is less fortunate than I, and there is always someone less fortunate than us in one way or another. But I feel like it feeds our souls to help others. Just a thought. Anyway, I hope you feel better, love, I hate that you have been struggling so hard. Please take care of you.
Love,
Allison
Love,
Allison
Annie girl, I'm so glad you posted about your struggles! I know it had to be HARD because you are like me, we don't like to "bother" people when we struggle...but i'm glad you purged it and now maybe you can start to heal...I think the job will surely help you...hopefully you will meet and make some new friends...i (as you know) tend to isolate as well...but getting out of our comfort zone will help so much...it has me for sure...wishing nothing but peace and some "fire" back in your spirit girl...you really do deserve the best of the best...i'm always around if you need to talk/vent.
Oh Annie. As I sit reading through all that you have wrote and everyone else. I'm in tears. You know how I feel about you. You are one of the strongest most admirable people on here that I know. Almost 1 year of being clean and all that you have been through makes me feel like such a whimp when I fail at being clean or relapsing. You my friend are such an incredible person. My tears are flowing like a faucet right now. I have no wisdom to share that others have already given. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and for God to help you find that happiness and joy you seek for. I love you my girl and I know things will turn around in your favor. They have to!! Don't ever forget just amazing you are!!!!
Love always your friend Chris
Love always your friend Chris
I didn't read the other posts, I'm just gonna let it flow. I love the intro disclaimer, by the way. I always wondered what one of your threads would be like. Anyway, I have felt what you are talking about. It's hard to really express it, but I call it "The Now What Syndrome." I guess that feeling is what drives me to talk about the Great Mystery and finding what inspires me. You desperately needed to change living arrangements, you needed work to do that, you had to get sober to do anything alive. You did it!
Now What? What do You strive for? You already did the unimaginable. So we talk about aftercare, that is a generic term for finding those things that inspire you to be better. Good enough is never enough. We are all or nothing, all addiction or all recovery. In reflective silence, what inspires you? To me, that is the source of purpose and meaning. For me it is helping orphans and poor kids. That is my unachievable replacement for my unachievable sobriety. Writing is replacing that empty time that used to be owned by opiates, detox, striving to be free. Doing one small thing for world peace in the meantime, I strive toward doing things for a larger dream. Perhaps I will never do it, but that's what I thought about quiting opiates. It is a Great Mystery, but I must have something to fight for. Mediocrity is made tolerable by purpose, something bigger than ourselves. In the Spirit of truth, I must find peace inside myself to spread it around the world. For some, a hobby is it, Habitat for Humanity, or a church mission. What inspires you to be more my friend?
Now What? What do You strive for? You already did the unimaginable. So we talk about aftercare, that is a generic term for finding those things that inspire you to be better. Good enough is never enough. We are all or nothing, all addiction or all recovery. In reflective silence, what inspires you? To me, that is the source of purpose and meaning. For me it is helping orphans and poor kids. That is my unachievable replacement for my unachievable sobriety. Writing is replacing that empty time that used to be owned by opiates, detox, striving to be free. Doing one small thing for world peace in the meantime, I strive toward doing things for a larger dream. Perhaps I will never do it, but that's what I thought about quiting opiates. It is a Great Mystery, but I must have something to fight for. Mediocrity is made tolerable by purpose, something bigger than ourselves. In the Spirit of truth, I must find peace inside myself to spread it around the world. For some, a hobby is it, Habitat for Humanity, or a church mission. What inspires you to be more my friend?
Hi Annie.. I really feel you post, all the way to me bones where I sit shaking typing this wondering if I will send it for the anxiety it causes me and the personal pain it reveals.. First Good on you for removing the veil Sara always has the right words.. I suggestion my understanding would be You are free to be anything you want to be scarey huh.. with WFoods you have medical after a few months take them up on it. Get your Hep C under control if you can take away the threat.. Maybe while you work out some of your demons with a good therapist You can go to school in some capacity that helps and allows you to become close to your fellow man..
I'm so sorry for all you have been thru your first year. My 1st. was the very best and sense then it has done nothing but gone down hill.. You see you described where I'm at perfectly in your post except mine is over the fact I'm loosing the battle with kidney disease I will never get rid of my Hep C and I will die on dialysis... You have a chance and no matter how scarey that chance is take it Annie.. Take this last year as bad as it has been and turn it around in your favor.. We never imagined we would be in the position of actually making something out of our lives.. Look how far you have come Look what has tried to stop you.. There is no stopping you only your health and YOU can do that.. I say Go for it Annie take the next step in your recovery get in a recovery group. wait for your benefits to kick in. Use the hell out of them get healthy... and have a Good Long life..... If you can not treat the Hep C I would be sorry but I do not think much would change I would still say go for it in what ever way you ever dreamed.. You are free to do that now... lesa
I'm so sorry for all you have been thru your first year. My 1st. was the very best and sense then it has done nothing but gone down hill.. You see you described where I'm at perfectly in your post except mine is over the fact I'm loosing the battle with kidney disease I will never get rid of my Hep C and I will die on dialysis... You have a chance and no matter how scarey that chance is take it Annie.. Take this last year as bad as it has been and turn it around in your favor.. We never imagined we would be in the position of actually making something out of our lives.. Look how far you have come Look what has tried to stop you.. There is no stopping you only your health and YOU can do that.. I say Go for it Annie take the next step in your recovery get in a recovery group. wait for your benefits to kick in. Use the hell out of them get healthy... and have a Good Long life..... If you can not treat the Hep C I would be sorry but I do not think much would change I would still say go for it in what ever way you ever dreamed.. You are free to do that now... lesa
No magic words here but I wanted to say "hey"! anyway...I sure feel for you Annie and can appreciate your struggles. I think the assault alone is enough to put you in this dark place and I'm wondering what you might need to do to feel better. Should you talk to someone? Plan revenge? Only you know but what do you think?
I found the first year to be full of change and new feelings; an adjustment period and not always full of sunshine and rainbows...which reminds me of a song:" Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" lol. It's a very old oldie...Anyway...can you begin to connect a little more? I think that's the first thing because isolation and loneliness will bite you and keep you down...
I found the first year to be full of change and new feelings; an adjustment period and not always full of sunshine and rainbows...which reminds me of a song:" Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" lol. It's a very old oldie...Anyway...can you begin to connect a little more? I think that's the first thing because isolation and loneliness will bite you and keep you down...
Annie, i am so glad you posted for YOU! Life sure does throw us some curve balls and being clean now makes it all that much more difficult to handle, as we are still learning coping skills. I am so sorry for all the pain that you are in and all the turmoil that you have faced, just reading your post made me so sad for you, BUT, look what you have accomplished, you are 1 freaking year clean.....WHAT????!!!! Thats 1 year clean, be proud of that, not only did you make it this far look what obstacles came in your way. All i can offer to you is to now make yourself the number one priority, learn to protect you, love you, and be proud of you, you are a remarkable girl who has endured so much pain. There is light at the end of this road i promise, God doesn't give us anything we cant handle, you are moving forward and i hope and pray that you hang on and keep fighting as you will see happiness....
Hi Annie Banani.....posting for yourself is humbling, therapeutic and praiseworthy! I commend you for being courageous enough to bare your soul.
I've been contemplating for some time today.....is there anything...anything at all that I could share that might be beneficial to you? I don't know....but I am going to give it a whirl. Take what you like and leave the rest, ok? It's just food for thought and all I have to give~
I wrote down some words or phrases that jumped out at me....
"I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stopped really talking about it."
"living situation....evicted (more loss, insecurity and embarassment), helplessness, now living w/strangers still "on clinic", not feeling secure or comfortable where you live;
No friends; all work and sleep; health issues and finances limiting you; guilt for ending a toxic relationship though you love him and have known for a long time it's best for you; a horrible assault....feelings shutting down;
no hope about the future; seeing no prospects for contentment or peace ahead; aching, hurting, numb inside; feeling removed; down on yourself; solitary isolation on your days off; first time in 48 yrs you have truly ever been alone. Damn Annie!!!!!!
You said yourself you are a people person....that you crave MEANING this way. And in the beginning months...you helped and interacted with a lot of people....which shifted the focus and the emotional pain off the drama and chaos going on everywhere else. I did the same thing during my first year...and in some ways, yes, it helped me in my early recovery....but in others....it kept me from the real work I need to do on and in myself.
You used H/M'done for 30 years, girl...!! That's 5/8's of your entire life. Of course all this is FOREIGN...you are rediscovering yourself. Some things will fit...some won't...but how will you know if you don't go out there and try.... you NEED PEOPLE....real live people...not just internet people. It's too easy to stay in our sea of isolation that way. You need to be touched, hugged, experience laughter, have someone to bounce feelings off of, debate with, challenge you, text you, talk to you, someone you can "let your hair down with". You don't have to totally agree with or embrace a program, support group (not just addiction support groups but sexual assault groups, too) to benefit from participation.
I fear that all the grief you've been processing, the saying goodbye to so many things in your past and hurting desperately for S, not being secure and happy where you live, not sleeping (stress/no healing) along w/ your Hep-C flareups, that you are extremely vulnerable right now.
I know you KNOW you are in a dangerous/vulnerable place right now or you wouldn't have posted. Because you ARE a people person....go find some people that live their lives in recovery. If you expose yourself...just put yourself in some different environments....you WILL meet and find people that will fill you up. You can reach out, inspire and help others when you get your own gas tank full.
You said, "I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use."
I couldn't agree more.....go engage yourself.
Holding you close.....with love and compassion~
Connie
I've been contemplating for some time today.....is there anything...anything at all that I could share that might be beneficial to you? I don't know....but I am going to give it a whirl. Take what you like and leave the rest, ok? It's just food for thought and all I have to give~
I wrote down some words or phrases that jumped out at me....
"I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stopped really talking about it."
"living situation....evicted (more loss, insecurity and embarassment), helplessness, now living w/strangers still "on clinic", not feeling secure or comfortable where you live;
No friends; all work and sleep; health issues and finances limiting you; guilt for ending a toxic relationship though you love him and have known for a long time it's best for you; a horrible assault....feelings shutting down;
no hope about the future; seeing no prospects for contentment or peace ahead; aching, hurting, numb inside; feeling removed; down on yourself; solitary isolation on your days off; first time in 48 yrs you have truly ever been alone. Damn Annie!!!!!!
You said yourself you are a people person....that you crave MEANING this way. And in the beginning months...you helped and interacted with a lot of people....which shifted the focus and the emotional pain off the drama and chaos going on everywhere else. I did the same thing during my first year...and in some ways, yes, it helped me in my early recovery....but in others....it kept me from the real work I need to do on and in myself.
You used H/M'done for 30 years, girl...!! That's 5/8's of your entire life. Of course all this is FOREIGN...you are rediscovering yourself. Some things will fit...some won't...but how will you know if you don't go out there and try.... you NEED PEOPLE....real live people...not just internet people. It's too easy to stay in our sea of isolation that way. You need to be touched, hugged, experience laughter, have someone to bounce feelings off of, debate with, challenge you, text you, talk to you, someone you can "let your hair down with". You don't have to totally agree with or embrace a program, support group (not just addiction support groups but sexual assault groups, too) to benefit from participation.
I fear that all the grief you've been processing, the saying goodbye to so many things in your past and hurting desperately for S, not being secure and happy where you live, not sleeping (stress/no healing) along w/ your Hep-C flareups, that you are extremely vulnerable right now.
I know you KNOW you are in a dangerous/vulnerable place right now or you wouldn't have posted. Because you ARE a people person....go find some people that live their lives in recovery. If you expose yourself...just put yourself in some different environments....you WILL meet and find people that will fill you up. You can reach out, inspire and help others when you get your own gas tank full.
You said, "I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use."
I couldn't agree more.....go engage yourself.
Holding you close.....with love and compassion~
Connie
When we were using, we were never in the "present." To the contrary, we were numb to hurdles and hardships. I'm just guessing, but what you've experienced over the past year probably isn't much different - and probably far less disturbing - than some of the crazy and awful things that happened in your life when you were under the influence.
Now that you're clean, you've got the gift of perception. Just try to embrace it. You're just now grasping that life is dysfunctional with a boyfriend hooked on opiates and benzos. You've moved-on, found a job.... these are things you probably never would have done before. This, my dear friend and coach, is progress.
Almost 6-months clean, I'm still not as personable or energetic as I was, when I was hopped-up on 25 norcos per day. We burned most of our dopamine and serotonin reserves, but our bodies and minds do, and will, recover. It just takes time and willpower.
At least we are no longer in constant despair, wallowing in anxiety, wondering how to get our next supply, and whether we can ever break the chains of addiction.
You're free, Annie! Keep forging ahead with the beautiful gift of perception - reflect on the hardships and learn from them - but don't forget to perceive and soak-in the good things in life, including the innocence of living clean.
Dear Friend..You and I have walked this Journey together for a Year now. I know all about ALL of your struggles, but yet you would always be here for me everyday when I needed you. I was already 3 months in before I joined on here, but I will never forget the first PM we sent each other. Also Annie
that we have continued to care very much for each other. I have always had the up most respect in your writing ability's too.
Annie you have backed me up more then I can count. Many times I was speechless on what to say about your live in situation with S..I was really hurt when I could feel your pain over the phone after that assault. I had offered to help you out so many times, but you continued to stand on your own 2 feet.
I find you a Very Wise, Intelligent, Beautiful, Caring Person. YOU should give Your Self LOTS of credit for just being YOU!!
We have compared notes with each other day by day and week by week..Now Months turned into a Year or so..I think the Year mark was my best corner to turn in this Recovery so far.
Now!! People say at my AA/NA that they isolated them selves when they used..Well I did not..I went to work and came home and worked and I went and visited and did lots of outings..It was not until I had 40 days in that I started to stay home..I would only hit all the Meetings 7 days a week for many, many Months. I was just talking to my Hub and Family about not wanting to go anywhere. This is not like me and I feel it was not you either..I was wondering if it was just age becasue I am comfortable being home alone with my Hub or do I just feel Safe at home. I was beginning to think it was wrong..Well it is not wrong..This makes me Happy..I will go out to functions, meetings, or to eat out, or even camping etc.,etc,. but most of the time I am glad to just stay home and work around here.
So if you are OK with being alone for now so be it...Maybe our Lord wants you to kick it a bit and start writing that Book we talked about..Now you know you have to be alone to concentrate on that.
Annie you will be fine. Some of us have gone through the same process as you have described, and about the way you feel right now..I know I did..And I sure know that you do know all about it..lol
I am so glad you just let this all flow out on here from Your Heart. I love you girl and everything will be fine. The Universe of Attraction is how Positive are Thought process is..Give good positive thoughts and it well continue to flow around you.lol
Bless U Always
Vickie
that we have continued to care very much for each other. I have always had the up most respect in your writing ability's too.
Annie you have backed me up more then I can count. Many times I was speechless on what to say about your live in situation with S..I was really hurt when I could feel your pain over the phone after that assault. I had offered to help you out so many times, but you continued to stand on your own 2 feet.
I find you a Very Wise, Intelligent, Beautiful, Caring Person. YOU should give Your Self LOTS of credit for just being YOU!!
We have compared notes with each other day by day and week by week..Now Months turned into a Year or so..I think the Year mark was my best corner to turn in this Recovery so far.
Now!! People say at my AA/NA that they isolated them selves when they used..Well I did not..I went to work and came home and worked and I went and visited and did lots of outings..It was not until I had 40 days in that I started to stay home..I would only hit all the Meetings 7 days a week for many, many Months. I was just talking to my Hub and Family about not wanting to go anywhere. This is not like me and I feel it was not you either..I was wondering if it was just age becasue I am comfortable being home alone with my Hub or do I just feel Safe at home. I was beginning to think it was wrong..Well it is not wrong..This makes me Happy..I will go out to functions, meetings, or to eat out, or even camping etc.,etc,. but most of the time I am glad to just stay home and work around here.
So if you are OK with being alone for now so be it...Maybe our Lord wants you to kick it a bit and start writing that Book we talked about..Now you know you have to be alone to concentrate on that.
Annie you will be fine. Some of us have gone through the same process as you have described, and about the way you feel right now..I know I did..And I sure know that you do know all about it..lol
I am so glad you just let this all flow out on here from Your Heart. I love you girl and everything will be fine. The Universe of Attraction is how Positive are Thought process is..Give good positive thoughts and it well continue to flow around you.lol
Bless U Always
Vickie
LOL Kyle @ stepping off of the front porch .!
Annie I sent you a PM friend. I will be trying to think of something that will make this easier for you . That year is coming up soon and I know that all of the other stuff is weighing on you in addition. There is also work and "the days not working"which I can really relate to. Hope you are around later friend. Keep going and keep doing.The inertia will carry you .
Annie I sent you a PM friend. I will be trying to think of something that will make this easier for you . That year is coming up soon and I know that all of the other stuff is weighing on you in addition. There is also work and "the days not working"which I can really relate to. Hope you are around later friend. Keep going and keep doing.The inertia will carry you .
I thought I'd been around the block a couple of times during my 28 years of addiction, but after reading your post, I realize that haven't even stepped off my front porch yet.
My respect and admiration for you has increased a hundredfold; I can now understand a bit better where your wisdom comes from, and am amazed at how much you've given others.
I know that none of this helps you with your current situation; I don't know if I can offer anything other than to say that you deserve nothing but the best, and once you've accepted that, then your recovery will become less, uh , bumpy.
Thank you for everything.
K
My respect and admiration for you has increased a hundredfold; I can now understand a bit better where your wisdom comes from, and am amazed at how much you've given others.
I know that none of this helps you with your current situation; I don't know if I can offer anything other than to say that you deserve nothing but the best, and once you've accepted that, then your recovery will become less, uh , bumpy.
Thank you for everything.
K
I am SO sorry you are feeling the way that you do! However, I feel that anyone who has been what you have been through this last year would be depressed. I applaud you on not going back on pills.. Actually, I find it amazing! I hope you get the help and friendships you need to get you out of your dark place. You sound like an amazing person..
I was sitting trying to find the right words to help my friend out, and you just hit the nail on the head, as usual, ;) thank you Sarah, truly!
Annie, you just know how much I love you. I can't believe I missed how much your Isolating. You just know how much I hate your situation, the place your stuck, S and everything else! So glad you posted for support, I do worry though, keep your head up, I know I can't do much from over here. I'll keep an open line on chat for you, please talk soon, ;)
Annie, you just know how much I love you. I can't believe I missed how much your Isolating. You just know how much I hate your situation, the place your stuck, S and everything else! So glad you posted for support, I do worry though, keep your head up, I know I can't do much from over here. I'll keep an open line on chat for you, please talk soon, ;)
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