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I'm Not Suprised to Be Back Here...
I came to this forum back in 2009 when I tried to quit taking Vicodin/ Oxycodone. Well,, its 2 years later and here I am again. On day 3 of no Percocets. The withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as I thought they would be,,mild diarrhea,,some leg cramps/restless legs but what is killing me literally right now is the depression. I feel so hopeless. Like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm newly married only 4 months. I have a great job that I love but also makes it easy to get the drugs I want. I can have my choice and I dont have to pay a dime. I havent lost everything yet but I feel like Im about to hit a bottom. I know I have had a problem for a long time. I just ignored it. I love the wat the percs made me feel. They gave me energy,,I felt like I could handle my job better. I m well respected at my job,,but its very demanding. Im needed. Thats just it everyone wants something from me and I feel I hve nothing left to give anyone anymore-I feel completely sucked dry. Im not even sure I want to be married. I am embarrassed to admit this but on my wedding day when I married my husband i was high. The drugs turn on you after a point-they at first gave me motivation,, I felt on top of the world,, I had energy,,then they started turning on me. The more I took the worst I felt. The depression came back and over took me. Since we have been married several events have occured that has put me over the edge,,things I cant handle. Then it effects my job. I had to take a leave of absence. Im supposed to be getting "help"-as far as my work knows I am depressed and had a nervous breakdown. I see a specialist on Tuesday but Im seriously considering going to the hospital sooner. The thing is no one in my family has a clue that Im an addict-not even my sweet husband. I have been chosen to take a random drug test as well for my job and I know Id fail miserably so I took immed FMLA. My doctor had prescribed me temazepam for insomnia and I have been abusing those-knocking myself out hoping that Ill just sleep thru the withdrawl part. I wake up sweaty-soaking wet and have the runs at times. I know the underlying issues with my addiction is depression. For years I have felt completely disconncted from the world,,everything seems so strange. All I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation. I feel so hopeless and lost and feel like Im on the verge of losing everything that I worked so hard for in my life.
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I have not read every single post here, but reading the first 15 of so has made me afraid. Back when I was getting off methadone, low dose, but pure hell, I ended up telling my principal because she saw me walking on a day that I had taken off for being sick. I'm very transparent and I just told her, cause she knew I'd been in pain, and she knew I'd had two knee surgeries last year. Now I'm paranoid about it. I'm always gonna wonder if she's wondering if I'm still on pain pills. Actually I started teaching and the next summer I had gastric bypass. That's when I started taking the pain meds. My doctor gave me the liquid hydro cause it was easier on my pouch, but baby, baby, as my sister says, it was sweet! After two years of that, summer was coming up and I knew I was taking too much and was going to get off, the drugstore called my doctor about a week before school was out. I went to his office and told him that I knew I was taking too much and he said he wanted to send me to another doctor. I said, can't you help me taper and he did. The withdrawals were still hell and lasted about three weeks. I stayed off all summer, but then I had to go back to work and on my feet all day and my knees are going bad. So I go to pain doc. After about 3 or four visits, me whining about my knees, and my poor little pouch, he gives me methadone, 5mg, three times a day. Actually, it was a visiting doctor, one that he was training that suggested it. Then I needed something for breakthrough pain, yeah...I wanted to get high off of the hydro again. And so the cycle started. So in reality, I've been on something the whole time I've been teaching, and I'm good at it! My principal trust me and she likes me and she thinks I do a good job. But I'm feeling like such a loser reading these posts.
Very proud of you for how far you have come again and know you can continue on this path. I couldn't agree with you more when you said you never envisioned your life would be like this right now but you can see what's ahead of you. I too was on the pills when I was newly married a couple years ago and even up until my daughter was born earlier this year. My wife has no clue and I've just gone back and forth through WD's so many times I lost count but at 20 days today and for the first time I sought out help for aftercare and made the decision to move ahead. I know all you a going through and pulling for your recovery all the way!
Congrats chick that's wicked its my 14th day tommoorow I've never made it this far 3 time tryin I wanna thank u for all ya support n sharing ya battle with me you rock enjoy today sweetie u desevere it love from oz xoxoxo
This was 30 days ago today,,well 27 I was off perks 3 days before I posted. 30 days....Im in a different place today. I still have bouts of withdrawal at times-physically. Ill wake up soaking wet,,a lil insomnia. Boy did the depression hit and still remains,,,I did things differently this time. I got aftercare and NA in my life now. I wouldnt have come this far if I didnt. 30days is bitter sweet for me,,,the last time I had 30days I relapsed that day. What is different this time,,well everything. I hardly have any cravings because my focus is on the depression,,sure I miss them from time to time,,but what I miss about them I can never have back ever. That initial high you get when you first take them. The day I quit I took the last of the pills I had 20+ that day. I felt like sh*t!! I didnt care if I woke up the next day. Luckily I did,,I felt like crap but I was back. So here I am 30 days later. Its been tough as I had to really get raw with myself and look deep within and find the source of that pain in my life. Boy did it hit and then some. Today I get up,,sober,,I go to NA and aftercare and am monitored by a MD. I take medication for the depression. Its not how I ever envisoned my life would be at this age. But that is OK- I finally see "life" ahead of me and not behind me. ~Bkitty
LOL.....well I am glad you forgave the kitty!
You CAN do it, stay positive. Day six was the hardest for me. You have to keep telling yourself you didn't get in this spot in 5-6 days, and you can't get out of it in 5-6 days...Be patient, give yourself a break.....
Keep posting and keep taking baby steps....One foot in front of the other.....
You CAN do it, stay positive. Day six was the hardest for me. You have to keep telling yourself you didn't get in this spot in 5-6 days, and you can't get out of it in 5-6 days...Be patient, give yourself a break.....
Keep posting and keep taking baby steps....One foot in front of the other.....
Its weird cuz this morning I awoke in complete withdrawal,,,shaking,opiate trots,soaking wet...I am going in to day 5 and I thought WOW days 1-4 were not too bad. Its like Im having a delayed response. My legs are jumpy and my mental status is ......blah! and Iknow its all from that darn cat! I saw the bottle-full of pills and I literally was salivating and I blame the cat (not really) but I HISSED at him this morning. Ive decided its too early to say what kind of day this will be as far as my sweet kitty goes he prob saved my life in hindsight. Back to bed for me. Tomm is the big day,,tomm aftercare starts or im hoping it does. I just hope this lady knows Im serious this time. Actions speak loader than words and when I saw her in Jan and got put on meds-antidepressants I thought I dont need all this. Well I was WRONG! I didnt listen really well and I didnt follow thru. I have to follow thru,,this **** has to stop and it stops NOW! I want me back....The trouble is I find it so hard to soley focus on me and my needs and wants and that is a hard habit to break. ipray tomm goes as planned,,if it doesnt I will check into a facility. As far as my kitty,,,he is allowed to snuggle with me again.
Im really still mad at the cats!! I cant even look at him now! I felt like he did it on purpose! He is sleeping in his bed tonight and not mine!
What really sad is when I went to the bathroom and saw my other cat drinking out of the toilet and when I shooed him away there were still a few that had not gone down,,,,they were dissolving and for a mere minute i was almost jealous/angry at the cat I thought " Well thats nice my cat gets to get f-up and I cant"......
Im done with them...they didnt make anything better anymore. It made it worse. i was just re-reading my old posts from 2009. This cycle has to stop. I really thought that I had taken those pills but I noticed the last few months that my memory has really gotten bad. I thought I had early onset alzheimers. Nope,,Im just another addict. Then I read on another post that percs make you pee a lot at night. I was peeing all night long...its like a lionel ritchie song.
Im done with them...they didnt make anything better anymore. It made it worse. i was just re-reading my old posts from 2009. This cycle has to stop. I really thought that I had taken those pills but I noticed the last few months that my memory has really gotten bad. I thought I had early onset alzheimers. Nope,,Im just another addict. Then I read on another post that percs make you pee a lot at night. I was peeing all night long...its like a lionel ritchie song.
I'm so sorry but I think it's hilarious: Lord Satan himself getting the family cat to unearth a bottle of Percocet from under the bed to make you crazy. I know, I know, it's not funny...it's serious
business....but....aaaaaahahahahahaha, I can't stop laughing! I can't believe your mighty power telling hubby to flush that Percocet--and you so new here. That takes real determination. I'm so proud of you I could........well.......aaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!
business....but....aaaaaahahahahahaha, I can't stop laughing! I can't believe your mighty power telling hubby to flush that Percocet--and you so new here. That takes real determination. I'm so proud of you I could........well.......aaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!
Thank You ;) Im definately being tested,,,heard the cat playing with something under the bed. A full bottle of percs that i thought I took. My husband helped reel the cat out and I said " Oh My what are those,,go flush them in the toilet" My Husband: " What are they?" Me: "My demise" ...he looked at me funny and I said "Just go GO NOOWWW!! Flush them" That has me all f-up now. I can taste them,,the feeling you feel when you swallow them,,the small kick of energy they give you. I know deep down deep deep deep down they will never feel the same. The high sucked,,I had no motivation at the end,,I had nothing left of "me"....whoever the heck that person is now is still yet to be determined................................
I think you're doing all the right things. And even if you don't sleep much tonight, just resting in bed will be good for you.
And I too was not working when I went through this and I know what you're saying about all of that - but this is a blessing. You deserve (and need) this time to get well so don't forget that. Remember you can't help anybody else right now until you help yourself. And you deserve to be a happy, healthy woman so take advantage of this time and focus on you for once. The rest will come. :)
And I too was not working when I went through this and I know what you're saying about all of that - but this is a blessing. You deserve (and need) this time to get well so don't forget that. Remember you can't help anybody else right now until you help yourself. And you deserve to be a happy, healthy woman so take advantage of this time and focus on you for once. The rest will come. :)
Thank You Ann,,and everyone. Today was OK,,but now im headed in the dumps and even had a angry outburst at my hubby and step-daughter. But Ive eaten and have my DVR loaded with shows and movies. Im worried about my job,,I really dont have any reason to be worried,,they know I needed time off and are supportive,,but I feel lost. Knowing tomm I dont have to get up (which is funny cuz usually I dont want to get up but NOW I do?) and that Ill be here alone all day again,,bored. Tuesday is the appoint with the psych people,,i am looking forward to that. (who the heck looks forward to a psych appoint/) LOL! I know I need an anti depressant but again it wont help if I dont "fix" what is bothering me. Its hard for me to take a time out of life,,,my "message" from God I recieved today on facebook was " If its not working the way you are doing it, its time to change and do it a different way"..
So Im clean smelling ( my goodness withdrawal STINKS-literally) and snuggled in bed. Im going to try and sleep "au natural" tonite..
So Im clean smelling ( my goodness withdrawal STINKS-literally) and snuggled in bed. Im going to try and sleep "au natural" tonite..
God is a huge comfort to many on this board. I hope he is there for you during your time of need.
The crying is good for you (I know that sounds weird) - but it's true. The emotional release is cathartic and it's important to feel your emotions - even the bad ones. So better to just let it all out and allow yourself to FEEL again. It's an important part of this process.
And GOOD FOR YOU for getting up and moving around. That's going to help w/sleep (if that's been a problem for you I know it was for me). So I found the more I did during the day, even small things, the better it was for me come nighttime.
And this place was everything to me as well - I too was comforted by the words written here and following those who had succeeded before me gave me the hope I so desperately needed.
Maybe try a hot shower before bedtime - that too helped with my anxiety. Actually there were some nights I would take 3 showers - but it helped.
Try to find a way to relax tonight (I know it seems impossible but it's important to try) - maybe make a hot cup of tea, put on your favorite jammies and find a good movie to watch for a distraction? And I also used melatonin before bedtime and it helped to relax me as well. Just think in a few short hours you will have another day under your belt and that will keep you moving forward you'll see. :)
And GOOD FOR YOU for getting up and moving around. That's going to help w/sleep (if that's been a problem for you I know it was for me). So I found the more I did during the day, even small things, the better it was for me come nighttime.
And this place was everything to me as well - I too was comforted by the words written here and following those who had succeeded before me gave me the hope I so desperately needed.
Maybe try a hot shower before bedtime - that too helped with my anxiety. Actually there were some nights I would take 3 showers - but it helped.
Try to find a way to relax tonight (I know it seems impossible but it's important to try) - maybe make a hot cup of tea, put on your favorite jammies and find a good movie to watch for a distraction? And I also used melatonin before bedtime and it helped to relax me as well. Just think in a few short hours you will have another day under your belt and that will keep you moving forward you'll see. :)
I cant thank you enough for your posts and words of encouragement. I got my butt outta bed and several times came to the forum and read and re-read your post again and again. im hanging in there. Today has been,,,,OK Ive cried and cried while cleaning and doing laundry and kneeled and prayed to God telling him that I surrender. I feel very comforted by all of you and by Him.
You just got awarded an honorary psych degree from me. This is one of the best posts I ever read here, incredibly insightful and hopeful. Bkitty, take that post to heart, for it was born out of the pain of another.
Oh my goodness I'm sorry for such a long post - I had no idea I was going on and on like that! (guess your situation struck a nerve with me) :)
I am sorry that you are feeling badly right now. At least you are drug free. That is a huge accomplishment.
How is it you can go from feeling semi OK to balling your eyes out 15min later? Im sitting here watching "life" go by outside,,,reading peoples posts and statuses on facebook about their kids and what is happening in their lives. It makes me so angry because I feel so left out. Why cant i be like my friends and my friends on facebook? Posting updates and pics of them having fun doing activities,,living life and here i am in this hole. I ate a whole box of twinkies as I sat there and read how "great and thankful" their lives are. Wishing I had a box of percs to munch on. I just got married almost 5 months ago (6/18/11) and Im so f-ing miserable. I love my husband very much or at least I thought I did,,now he just bugs me. I remember our wedding day,,had a beautiful wedding at a golf/country club,,I hated my dress and only choose it because I couldnt find one I really liked and my mom loved it. Our wedding was at high noon on the balcony and it was 98 degrees and I sweated like a hog and our photographer-who my step mom hired took the absolute worst pics ever. she got every bad angle of me and every pissy look on film. I looked miserable. It was over by 3pm,,,it was a"quick" wedding with a lunch and cake cut,,that was it. I didnt plan my own wedding,,my step monster took over the details and my mom and it was their wedding. By 4p we were at the bed and breakfast and I felt so "let down" thinking "thats it" all the excitement and planning was gone. It was like i hit a brick wall and silence. It was weird,,its all just weird. Not how i envisioned it at all. I was high on percs of course. I dont know if I wanna be married. I did marry a wonderful man-yes he has his faults god knows I do,,he knows im miserable but he thinks its because we picked up temp custody of his daughter and are fighting a custody battle. He has no idea he married a drug addict. Its not his fault-its mine.
I slept good last night (again self induced),,and woke up today and its a beautiful day out. Im trying to muster up the energy to "do" something. Its so hard when you feel like you have 50lb bricks on each limb. Its so hard to take a time out for myself as well,,to just sit and do "nothing". Im used to being chaotic and unorganized and working and worry about work and trying to keep up. But that took a toll on me and increased my drug abuse and made me "crazy" and unstable,, Now that I have had several days off with more to come I am bored,,believe me I have lots to do if I want to,,im just chosing not to do anything. I look out the window and think "that's life" and then I look at myself in the mirror and ask "why am i not a part of it",,,
I do feel the fog lifting somewhat. I have a husband who loves me so much and wants to just hold me and all I do is push him away and get irritable at him. My problem is I worry so much about everything,,,I feel like I screwed up my job because I took FMLA,,they counted on me,,my patients needed me and Im not there. I was well respected,,they knew I was having problems with life and coping so I know they understand that I needed some time and so did my doctor (who is our medical director) but Im worried because I went out on the same day I was informed I was chosen for a random drug test that somehow that will come back and bite me in the arse. They have no idea I am an addict. I dont want them to know either. I read in the email that was sent that my boss was to notify them if an employee was on leave hopefully that is what she did. Im just scared. This is the best job Ive had in my career and the most money I have ever made. Im just scared and anxious and very worried.
I do feel the fog lifting somewhat. I have a husband who loves me so much and wants to just hold me and all I do is push him away and get irritable at him. My problem is I worry so much about everything,,,I feel like I screwed up my job because I took FMLA,,they counted on me,,my patients needed me and Im not there. I was well respected,,they knew I was having problems with life and coping so I know they understand that I needed some time and so did my doctor (who is our medical director) but Im worried because I went out on the same day I was informed I was chosen for a random drug test that somehow that will come back and bite me in the arse. They have no idea I am an addict. I dont want them to know either. I read in the email that was sent that my boss was to notify them if an employee was on leave hopefully that is what she did. Im just scared. This is the best job Ive had in my career and the most money I have ever made. Im just scared and anxious and very worried.
Kitty,
In terms of the feeling of depression, I made a post almost word for word of what you said on this forum. I found myself crying daily for no reason, wishing one day soon I would feel "normal" again. Here I am, about 43 days clean, and much as someone said earlier in a post, my life has already changed dramatically...and here's the best part...for the better. What you're going through right now is a chemical and mental battle. Chemically it's going to take your body time to begin functioning like it used to, but mentally, after around the 3-4 day period I felt myself getting stronger mentally every day I woke up. If that's discouraging I apologize, but we have to accept that we abused our body with these drugs and now we need to give it time to heal.
For me, around the 2 week mark is when the depression really began to fade. Everyone's body is different though, so for all you know your depression could begin fading tomorrow, today, the next day or the next. The main thing to do is recognize it situations like these, it only gets worse before it gets better. But if you just keep the right frame of mind, realize what you're doing is for the better and only good can come from doing this, you're going to be okay. I promise, one day you're going to wake up and feel brand new.....the best way I can describe it is like you just finally walked out of a huge dark tunnel into a beautiful sunny day. And trust me, that feeling is worth it.
I haven't seen anyone mention these yet, so here you go. These supplements helped me a great deal through the first 2 weeks: vitamin b-6, L-tyrosine, multivitamin, and a lot of water/gaterade. The days may be dragging right now, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep pushing towards it. Keep everyone posted on how you're doing.
In terms of the feeling of depression, I made a post almost word for word of what you said on this forum. I found myself crying daily for no reason, wishing one day soon I would feel "normal" again. Here I am, about 43 days clean, and much as someone said earlier in a post, my life has already changed dramatically...and here's the best part...for the better. What you're going through right now is a chemical and mental battle. Chemically it's going to take your body time to begin functioning like it used to, but mentally, after around the 3-4 day period I felt myself getting stronger mentally every day I woke up. If that's discouraging I apologize, but we have to accept that we abused our body with these drugs and now we need to give it time to heal.
For me, around the 2 week mark is when the depression really began to fade. Everyone's body is different though, so for all you know your depression could begin fading tomorrow, today, the next day or the next. The main thing to do is recognize it situations like these, it only gets worse before it gets better. But if you just keep the right frame of mind, realize what you're doing is for the better and only good can come from doing this, you're going to be okay. I promise, one day you're going to wake up and feel brand new.....the best way I can describe it is like you just finally walked out of a huge dark tunnel into a beautiful sunny day. And trust me, that feeling is worth it.
I haven't seen anyone mention these yet, so here you go. These supplements helped me a great deal through the first 2 weeks: vitamin b-6, L-tyrosine, multivitamin, and a lot of water/gaterade. The days may be dragging right now, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep pushing towards it. Keep everyone posted on how you're doing.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
But let me tell you - after a few months that anger turned to complete gratitude. I changed - my thinking changed. Everything stopped feeling so strange and surreal and I slowly started to reconnect to who I used to be - and that also included remembering exactly why I married the man I did. And the love I had for him returned. Completely.
Now I'm not saying that will happen for you. I have no idea the reasons you married this man. But I will promise you one thing. NOW is not the time to question anything in your life. Your head is all over the place - and it's impossible to see anything clearly. And it's going to be like that for a while (sorry) - but I promise you it will END. The real you will return. And it will be a slow and subtle change - at least it was for me. There was one day when I woke up and realized I didn't feel as bad as I did the day before. And my thinking also became more clear and let me tell you it was a huge relief. But keep in mind - withdrawal/recovery is non-linear. Meaning you're going to have bad days, then a good day, then another bad day following by a few good days. You see where I'm going w/this..
You'll start to see signs of that eventually - but don't expect so much of yourself right now. Quitting the pills takes everything you've got to just get through the basics each day - getting up, showering, some cleaning around the house - or going to work. Keep your daily expectations on yourself simple. And you'll find with more time, you're getting stronger - even though you might not realize it, you are. And you'll be able to take on the bigger stuff as you gain strength. Withdrawal and recovery taught me so much about myself. I learned I was unreasonable with my own expectations. And I decided that it was okay to give myself a break - and it was such a relief to realize I didn't have to be perfect all the time. I didn't expect that of others so there was no reason to expect that of myself.
Finally, just take it slow. Do NOT let yourself make any big decisions right now nor should you be overanalyzing your life. That's just too much to take in the state you're in. Go slow with this process and take pleasure in the simple things in life whenever you can (a long walk on a nice day, a good meal, some downtime with your hubby just watching a movie, whatever activities you enjoy). And it will slowly come together for you and soon you'll be strong enough and clear-headed enough to know what's right for you. And you'll be able to handle whatever is in front of you.
You're going to be okay. I know you might not believe that right now and that's okay - I didn't believe those words when I heard them in the beginning either. Just trust me, it's going to get better. What are your plans for aftercare? Because that's just as important as what you're doing right now.