Aa
I'm Really Scared To Even Post This!
OK. This will be long, but I need to get it all out there. I need to talk to someone. All I ask is that you do not judge me. I am not a horrible person, but I am an addict.
For as long as I can remember now, I have been addicted to pain medicine. Hydrocone is my DOC. However, being on hydrocodone gave me a burst of energy every day which did not allow me to sleep, so I started using Ambien. Then, of course, because I am an addict, I started abusing the Ambien, too. I was obtaining the hydro prescriptions mainly from the same doctor although I was getting the Ambien from several doctors.
Two weeks ago, I was arrested for doctor shopping. I am a teacher, so the arrest in and of itself has pretty much ended my career. For now, I have not been fired from my current position even though I told them about the arrest the next day. But I am just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop there.
I have never felt more depressed in my life. I never considered myself a person who would contemplate suicide, but the day I was arrested, I understood why people kill themselves. It is almost too much to bear. I have two children. They are about to be one year old. That is when I started using again: after they were born. The hospital gave me percocette, and when I took them home, I just kept thinking that I wanted to have that warm and fuzzy feeling the hydro gave me, so I just kept taking them. Then, I went back to this one doctor who will basically keep the hydro coming whenever you want, and the rest is history. The Ambien was more tricky because I had to call multiple docs that I had seen in the past to get that, but many of them would just call it in. My husband takes night duty with the kids, and because I was so high on hydro I couldn't sleep at all, I would take several Ambien to get to sleep before work the next day. I just spiraled out of control. I can't tell you why. I don't know why other than that I am an addict.
So last week I realized I had hit my bottom. I knew that if I didn't check myself into treatment that I would die or do something to hurt my criminal case like filling the Ambien that is at the pharmacy from one of my many doctors. I was about to break. I looked at my children and knew that I needed some serious help to me the mother to them that they deserve. I went to an outpatient rehab so that I could still continue taking care of my children. I felt so proud of myself for taking this step. I know it was the right thing to do. Right now, I don't care or know if it will help my court case. What I know is that they are keeping me alive, and I am not currently feeling suicidal or like I need to use drugs. I go to meetings and meet with the physicians. I am doing my best to begin what will be a recovery that will last a life time. I am committed to this. I want this.
Here is the issue. The rehab detoxed me over the past five days. I would go in each day, get my medicine, and attend my meetings. Everything has gone well so far. Today, since they are not open on the weekend and my detox is over, the doctor wrote me prescriptions for several medicines to take home until my next appointment with him after the weekend. Of those prescriptions, one was for suboxone. He has me on a low does once daily. He knows that I have been arrested for doctor shopping and that pharmacies may have an issue filling this prescription. I reminded him of this before I left today, and he told me to have the pharmacist call him if there was an issue.
I must stress to you that at this point, the suboxone is the only think keeping me sane. I am fully aware that it is a short term treatment to a long term addiction, but with everything going on right now, the doctor and I both agree that it is best that I remain on the suboxone for a while to keep me mentally stable.
When I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist told me that although she filled this prescription, she will never fill another one for me because I have been flagged by the DPS. I explained the situation to her. I told her that I had informed my rehab doctor of what I have done. She said she didn't care, she wasn't filling another controlled substance for me because I am red flagged. She said I needed to find one pharmacy and stay there. I told her that was my intention because the rehab facility had given me a list of pharmacies to choose from. They were 98% this specific chain of pharmacies because the rehab said they were one of the only ones in my area that had suboxone. She had this look of disgust on her face. She said that she would have to talk to the clinic then because she doesn't want them sending a bunch of suboxone users to her pharmacy. I got my prescriptions, left, and felt like crying.
My question is this: If my doctor chooses to keep me on suboxone, and I am red flagged by DPS, how will I ever be able to fill the prescription? I just want to be OK for my kids. I know people have their opinions about suboxone, but it is helping me deal right now, and I have a lot to deal with. I am thinking that I should just ask my doctor what to do on Tuesday when I see him again. Please, please, please, before you respond, just know that I am in a world of emotional trauma and pain right now. I need support. Please do not say anything mean to me. I already know what a bad person and addict I am. I already know that I have basically ruined my life. I am just trying to get some advice and support to move forward and fix this. I love my children more than anything in this world, and I want to me the mommy they deserve and need. Right now, the suboxone is saving my life. So what should I do if I can't have it filled anywhere?
For as long as I can remember now, I have been addicted to pain medicine. Hydrocone is my DOC. However, being on hydrocodone gave me a burst of energy every day which did not allow me to sleep, so I started using Ambien. Then, of course, because I am an addict, I started abusing the Ambien, too. I was obtaining the hydro prescriptions mainly from the same doctor although I was getting the Ambien from several doctors.
Two weeks ago, I was arrested for doctor shopping. I am a teacher, so the arrest in and of itself has pretty much ended my career. For now, I have not been fired from my current position even though I told them about the arrest the next day. But I am just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop there.
I have never felt more depressed in my life. I never considered myself a person who would contemplate suicide, but the day I was arrested, I understood why people kill themselves. It is almost too much to bear. I have two children. They are about to be one year old. That is when I started using again: after they were born. The hospital gave me percocette, and when I took them home, I just kept thinking that I wanted to have that warm and fuzzy feeling the hydro gave me, so I just kept taking them. Then, I went back to this one doctor who will basically keep the hydro coming whenever you want, and the rest is history. The Ambien was more tricky because I had to call multiple docs that I had seen in the past to get that, but many of them would just call it in. My husband takes night duty with the kids, and because I was so high on hydro I couldn't sleep at all, I would take several Ambien to get to sleep before work the next day. I just spiraled out of control. I can't tell you why. I don't know why other than that I am an addict.
So last week I realized I had hit my bottom. I knew that if I didn't check myself into treatment that I would die or do something to hurt my criminal case like filling the Ambien that is at the pharmacy from one of my many doctors. I was about to break. I looked at my children and knew that I needed some serious help to me the mother to them that they deserve. I went to an outpatient rehab so that I could still continue taking care of my children. I felt so proud of myself for taking this step. I know it was the right thing to do. Right now, I don't care or know if it will help my court case. What I know is that they are keeping me alive, and I am not currently feeling suicidal or like I need to use drugs. I go to meetings and meet with the physicians. I am doing my best to begin what will be a recovery that will last a life time. I am committed to this. I want this.
Here is the issue. The rehab detoxed me over the past five days. I would go in each day, get my medicine, and attend my meetings. Everything has gone well so far. Today, since they are not open on the weekend and my detox is over, the doctor wrote me prescriptions for several medicines to take home until my next appointment with him after the weekend. Of those prescriptions, one was for suboxone. He has me on a low does once daily. He knows that I have been arrested for doctor shopping and that pharmacies may have an issue filling this prescription. I reminded him of this before I left today, and he told me to have the pharmacist call him if there was an issue.
I must stress to you that at this point, the suboxone is the only think keeping me sane. I am fully aware that it is a short term treatment to a long term addiction, but with everything going on right now, the doctor and I both agree that it is best that I remain on the suboxone for a while to keep me mentally stable.
When I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist told me that although she filled this prescription, she will never fill another one for me because I have been flagged by the DPS. I explained the situation to her. I told her that I had informed my rehab doctor of what I have done. She said she didn't care, she wasn't filling another controlled substance for me because I am red flagged. She said I needed to find one pharmacy and stay there. I told her that was my intention because the rehab facility had given me a list of pharmacies to choose from. They were 98% this specific chain of pharmacies because the rehab said they were one of the only ones in my area that had suboxone. She had this look of disgust on her face. She said that she would have to talk to the clinic then because she doesn't want them sending a bunch of suboxone users to her pharmacy. I got my prescriptions, left, and felt like crying.
My question is this: If my doctor chooses to keep me on suboxone, and I am red flagged by DPS, how will I ever be able to fill the prescription? I just want to be OK for my kids. I know people have their opinions about suboxone, but it is helping me deal right now, and I have a lot to deal with. I am thinking that I should just ask my doctor what to do on Tuesday when I see him again. Please, please, please, before you respond, just know that I am in a world of emotional trauma and pain right now. I need support. Please do not say anything mean to me. I already know what a bad person and addict I am. I already know that I have basically ruined my life. I am just trying to get some advice and support to move forward and fix this. I love my children more than anything in this world, and I want to me the mommy they deserve and need. Right now, the suboxone is saving my life. So what should I do if I can't have it filled anywhere?
You are doing everything right in terms of your recovery IMO.
And it is especially wonderful that the reason you asked for help was not out of fear for the law but the desire to save your own life.
This means you acted from LOVE and not FEAR.
If you continue to do this, then you will be amazed at both your personal transformation and that of your life.
It's exciting if you think about it!
I can't even tell you how amazing the life is that I built for myself after I got clean. If I had not become addicted I would NEVER have all the wonderful things I do now. I never fought for myself before. Everything I did was for others. My addiction and recovery work taught me about unconditional self love, something I have never practiced before.
Now I have the strength of knowing that no matter WHAT happens in life, and sh*t happens, I will be okay. Because I love myself, know myself, and accept myself for who I am.
You keep walking this path and you will have this too.
Remember-
You can't change the past, nor can you control the future- all you have is this moment right now and the choices that you make. Keep making brave choices from love and you will survive, and then you will thrive.
I am excited for you and your journey.
Bless,
Lu
And it is especially wonderful that the reason you asked for help was not out of fear for the law but the desire to save your own life.
This means you acted from LOVE and not FEAR.
If you continue to do this, then you will be amazed at both your personal transformation and that of your life.
It's exciting if you think about it!
I can't even tell you how amazing the life is that I built for myself after I got clean. If I had not become addicted I would NEVER have all the wonderful things I do now. I never fought for myself before. Everything I did was for others. My addiction and recovery work taught me about unconditional self love, something I have never practiced before.
Now I have the strength of knowing that no matter WHAT happens in life, and sh*t happens, I will be okay. Because I love myself, know myself, and accept myself for who I am.
You keep walking this path and you will have this too.
Remember-
You can't change the past, nor can you control the future- all you have is this moment right now and the choices that you make. Keep making brave choices from love and you will survive, and then you will thrive.
I am excited for you and your journey.
Bless,
Lu
"We are not bad people learning how to be good, but sick people learning how to get well."
You are SO right! And your focus is right on target. You said this above:
"This may sound strange because I know that I should be thinking about every step I take right now as a fight to remain out of prison, but all I am focused on is saving my life so that my children do not know the pain of growing up without a mother. I didn't get help because I was in trouble with the law. I got help because I knew I had to, or I would eventually die of an over dose."
No, it doesn't sound "strange" at ALL!! Your focus is GOOD and RIGHT and TRUE!! If you stay focused on your recovery.....you will win...guaranteed! If we put as much effort into working our recovery as we did at working to get our drugs.....there's no way to lose.
You've expressed a lot of frustration about your family and your hubby not understanding. That's only natural to desire their support...but it's a family disease and they need some time, too. One of the things my heart always longs for is just "to be understood". And in time, they may and they may not... if they don't, we can't let it derail our focus and our recovery. Addiction has SO many myths and stigmas that are incorrect. I understand your heart's desire for your husband AND your family to TRULY and accurately understand that addiction is a progressive disease. For NOW.....ok? FOR NOW......just keep up your participation in the counseling, meetings, and all the clinic provides. Even if no one close to you understands right now. Reach out and find someone else to watch your children so you CAN go to all the meetings.
It's a GOOD thing your hubby changed his mind and came home....
FOR TODAY......that's all we've got, right? Our minds start racing on us and we worry and worry about things that we cannot change RIGHT NOW.
If you have to... write on all your mirrors....Baby Steps....or Be Here Now...or Stay in the moment....24 hrs is My Gift....whatever helps YOU, ok?
Lastly, there are 2 links I wanted to share with you. One is all about addiction....there are 6 tabs at the top that open up many articles you can read. Also, with each article/topic...there are short little videos on the right hand side to listen to. You can spend hours on there learning about addiction. After YOU check it out, you can always pass it on to your loved ones if they are open to it. The 2nd link is a very long, but very funny and GRAND video about the disease of addiction. I have never watched a better one...so when you can't sleep...plug in some earphones and have a listen.
Here ya go....you hang in there.....you're doing GOOD!!!
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE
You are SO right! And your focus is right on target. You said this above:
"This may sound strange because I know that I should be thinking about every step I take right now as a fight to remain out of prison, but all I am focused on is saving my life so that my children do not know the pain of growing up without a mother. I didn't get help because I was in trouble with the law. I got help because I knew I had to, or I would eventually die of an over dose."
No, it doesn't sound "strange" at ALL!! Your focus is GOOD and RIGHT and TRUE!! If you stay focused on your recovery.....you will win...guaranteed! If we put as much effort into working our recovery as we did at working to get our drugs.....there's no way to lose.
You've expressed a lot of frustration about your family and your hubby not understanding. That's only natural to desire their support...but it's a family disease and they need some time, too. One of the things my heart always longs for is just "to be understood". And in time, they may and they may not... if they don't, we can't let it derail our focus and our recovery. Addiction has SO many myths and stigmas that are incorrect. I understand your heart's desire for your husband AND your family to TRULY and accurately understand that addiction is a progressive disease. For NOW.....ok? FOR NOW......just keep up your participation in the counseling, meetings, and all the clinic provides. Even if no one close to you understands right now. Reach out and find someone else to watch your children so you CAN go to all the meetings.
It's a GOOD thing your hubby changed his mind and came home....
FOR TODAY......that's all we've got, right? Our minds start racing on us and we worry and worry about things that we cannot change RIGHT NOW.
If you have to... write on all your mirrors....Baby Steps....or Be Here Now...or Stay in the moment....24 hrs is My Gift....whatever helps YOU, ok?
Lastly, there are 2 links I wanted to share with you. One is all about addiction....there are 6 tabs at the top that open up many articles you can read. Also, with each article/topic...there are short little videos on the right hand side to listen to. You can spend hours on there learning about addiction. After YOU check it out, you can always pass it on to your loved ones if they are open to it. The 2nd link is a very long, but very funny and GRAND video about the disease of addiction. I have never watched a better one...so when you can't sleep...plug in some earphones and have a listen.
Here ya go....you hang in there.....you're doing GOOD!!!
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE
Yes, we ALL have mess to clean up. And just like for yourself, give your family TIME to deal. Let the dust settle. There is a saying in the rooms that I love: more will be revealed. I love that because it means your life will unfold in ways you can't imagine. So let things happen.
All you can do is do the right thing. And you are doing it. When you share in meetings, bring this up. Let others help you. That's why they exist:)
All you can do is do the right thing. And you are doing it. When you share in meetings, bring this up. Let others help you. That's why they exist:)
Yes, that is what I am doing, and I know that you are right. I am struggling with one step at a time. One day at a time. I keep thinking in my head about how my future is going to be messed up due to my past and present. I am still trying to learn to move through this day by day. It is a struggle. It is so hard getting my husband and family to support me going to meetings. I need someone to watch the babies when I go, and they are all of the mindset that I made my bed, now lie in it. They feel like I am asking them to continue to enable me by letting me go to the meetings. My head just keeps getting messed up, and I start thinking that I guess I need to suffer with no help. Then I talk to my doctor, and he tells me I am doing the right thing by continuing in the program.
Sweetie, you are responsible for one person...you. They each (all the adults) have their own journey, just like you. We are powerless over people, places and things.
The morality issue is not what you need to be focusing on. Focus on getting better, meeting new peeps in meetings, recovery. Which you are doing, right?
The morality issue is not what you need to be focusing on. Focus on getting better, meeting new peeps in meetings, recovery. Which you are doing, right?
Thank you for all of your comments. It has been a blessing to read them and realize that I am not alone in my addiction, nor am I the only one who has every done something wrong while their addiction still had a firm grasp on them. I am trying to take things one day at a time.
My husband made a positive choice and decided to come home last night instead of leaving from a bar, driving to a different state to go to a casino, and not being back until Sunday. He told me all of his friends were pushing him to go, but he told them no and came home. I am so happy that he made that choice. I really need him to be home because although the babies are here, I feel very alone in all of this when he leaves. I feel so abandoned when he does that.
This may sound strange because I know that I should be thinking about every step I take right now as a fight to remain out of prison, but all I am focused on is saving my life so that my children do not know the pain of growing up without a mother. I didn't get help because I was in trouble with the law. I got help because I knew I had to, or I would eventually die of an over dose.
No one in my family supported to choice to go to the clinic and check myself into detox. They all viewed it as a bad move that would essentially admit that I am guilty. They thought it was more simple that what it is. They thought I should just detox at home and never use again. I guess it takes an addict to understand. I have detoxed cold turkey a million times before. I have tried so many times, but what I never did before was ask for help and get myself into a program that provides after care. I have done that this time because I know I will not be successful without meetings. It's just that they don't get that.
Basically, they think that I can't be like everyone else who needs after care because I am a productive member of society. What they don't get is that addiction sees no color or race. Addiction does not care if you are rich or poor. Addiction does not care if you are unemployed or employed. It can happen to any of us. I want them to see that, but I know it will take time. I am sick. I need medical help. It is no different that the person who needs help with cancer treatment. I wish the world would get that. I want so badly for everyone to understand that what we suffer from is a disease, not a moral failing.
My husband made a positive choice and decided to come home last night instead of leaving from a bar, driving to a different state to go to a casino, and not being back until Sunday. He told me all of his friends were pushing him to go, but he told them no and came home. I am so happy that he made that choice. I really need him to be home because although the babies are here, I feel very alone in all of this when he leaves. I feel so abandoned when he does that.
This may sound strange because I know that I should be thinking about every step I take right now as a fight to remain out of prison, but all I am focused on is saving my life so that my children do not know the pain of growing up without a mother. I didn't get help because I was in trouble with the law. I got help because I knew I had to, or I would eventually die of an over dose.
No one in my family supported to choice to go to the clinic and check myself into detox. They all viewed it as a bad move that would essentially admit that I am guilty. They thought it was more simple that what it is. They thought I should just detox at home and never use again. I guess it takes an addict to understand. I have detoxed cold turkey a million times before. I have tried so many times, but what I never did before was ask for help and get myself into a program that provides after care. I have done that this time because I know I will not be successful without meetings. It's just that they don't get that.
Basically, they think that I can't be like everyone else who needs after care because I am a productive member of society. What they don't get is that addiction sees no color or race. Addiction does not care if you are rich or poor. Addiction does not care if you are unemployed or employed. It can happen to any of us. I want them to see that, but I know it will take time. I am sick. I need medical help. It is no different that the person who needs help with cancer treatment. I wish the world would get that. I want so badly for everyone to understand that what we suffer from is a disease, not a moral failing.
Oh my sweet girl your post made me cry!
As others have stated above you ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I want you to say this aloud to yourself
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am an addict who has made poor choices while sick in active addiction.
You are doing everything you can to get well and that is both brave and commendable. Please take pride in that. Many do not.
Yes you hit bottom, but you are doing EVERYTHING you can to get well. And so you will.
90 meetings in 90 days.
Make your rehab doc call the pharmacy and stick to that pharmacy. Do NOT stay on suboxone long. It is, like you said, a way to get you stable while you begin the real work of recovery which is counseling, group therapy, and may I suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because it helped me change my thinking and therefore my behaviour IMMENSELY.
You are not alone.
I am so very sorry that your husband left you alone to detox with your babies. That must have been terrifying. I can't even imagine. When I detoxed I had a family member with me at all times and I was still terrified.
You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, and on the other side of this there is LIGHT.
You will get there.
Just keep up the work on your recovery. It must be and remain your number one priority.
The way to true healing is through forgiveness and compassion for one's self. So be gentle with yourself okay?
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I tried to be perfect for everyone my whole life. It made me very sick and in the end, addicted to numbing out my feelings of failure.
I confronted myself in therapy and group and I accepted that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect for anyone.
But I am perfect just the way I am.
Self love goes a lot further than self flagellation.
You are not alone.
Please keep posting...
Lu
As others have stated above you ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I want you to say this aloud to yourself
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am an addict who has made poor choices while sick in active addiction.
You are doing everything you can to get well and that is both brave and commendable. Please take pride in that. Many do not.
Yes you hit bottom, but you are doing EVERYTHING you can to get well. And so you will.
90 meetings in 90 days.
Make your rehab doc call the pharmacy and stick to that pharmacy. Do NOT stay on suboxone long. It is, like you said, a way to get you stable while you begin the real work of recovery which is counseling, group therapy, and may I suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because it helped me change my thinking and therefore my behaviour IMMENSELY.
You are not alone.
I am so very sorry that your husband left you alone to detox with your babies. That must have been terrifying. I can't even imagine. When I detoxed I had a family member with me at all times and I was still terrified.
You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, and on the other side of this there is LIGHT.
You will get there.
Just keep up the work on your recovery. It must be and remain your number one priority.
The way to true healing is through forgiveness and compassion for one's self. So be gentle with yourself okay?
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I tried to be perfect for everyone my whole life. It made me very sick and in the end, addicted to numbing out my feelings of failure.
I confronted myself in therapy and group and I accepted that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect for anyone.
But I am perfect just the way I am.
Self love goes a lot further than self flagellation.
You are not alone.
Please keep posting...
Lu
wvmama, it isn't just mama's it is women in general. We are raised to be the caretakers, the do-it-all's. Even my husband for years put me on a pedestal telling everyone that he leaves it all up to me because I can do it. He never realized until I told him that he put me under a ton of pressure and that because of what he told everyone I felt like I had to be perfect, I had to solve every problem...etc. Now I'm trying to relearn that behavior, if I don't feel like sweeping and mopping well hubby can do it if it bothers him that much or it can wait until tomorrow. Relearning this behavior isn't easy but I gotta say I'm starting to like it. I'm starting to like putting myself first sometimes...because, as the doctor says, if I don't learn to do that all I'm going to do is put myself in an early grave.
Now for the mama's...same problem but even harder on a Mom because she not only has to be everything for her hubby and kids, parents, teachers, other children and many others expect that perfection and it is totally unrealistic.
Wvmama....try to unlean the behavior....before you end up in the hospital. xox
Now for the mama's...same problem but even harder on a Mom because she not only has to be everything for her hubby and kids, parents, teachers, other children and many others expect that perfection and it is totally unrealistic.
Wvmama....try to unlean the behavior....before you end up in the hospital. xox
I just thought of something. Earlier you said you had an Ambien prescription sitting at another pharmacy. All the pharmacies are able to access via computer what prescriptions have been filled or are waiting to be picked up elsewhere. That "might" be why the pharmacist was such a b****. Make sure that you call other pharmacies that are holding prescriptions for you so you can tell them to pull them and to not fill them for you anymore.
The pharmacist you saw might have thought you were going to pick up the non-addictive sleep aid from her and then go try to pick up the Ambien. This does NOT excuse her behavior but it might explain it.
Tomorrow make sure that all scrips like that have been pulled off the shelves...just to be safe :-)
Hope that made sense but if it didn't feel free to PM me. I will be home tomorrow afternoon.
Here is a Huge hug from me to you and some kitty purrs from my two little fuzzy boys (prrurrrrrrrrrrr prurrrrrrrrrrrr)
The pharmacist you saw might have thought you were going to pick up the non-addictive sleep aid from her and then go try to pick up the Ambien. This does NOT excuse her behavior but it might explain it.
Tomorrow make sure that all scrips like that have been pulled off the shelves...just to be safe :-)
Hope that made sense but if it didn't feel free to PM me. I will be home tomorrow afternoon.
Here is a Huge hug from me to you and some kitty purrs from my two little fuzzy boys (prrurrrrrrrrrrr prurrrrrrrrrrrr)
Did you search for that link "you never have to use again". If you haven't please do read it. Just cut and paste it into the search bar...I think you will feel a sense of relief and also a sense of hope if you do.
Hun, you are not responsible for the demise of your marriage (if it does not survive). It takes two to tango ya know? Yes, you are at fault because of the lies, etc....but he also is at fault. When did the vow "for better for worse" change? I don't recall that it says "for better or worse unless I change my mind".
I have been on both sides of the coin...I am the children of a violent alcoholic and I am an adult addict so I see both sides. I don't expect your husband to enable you but I do expect him, out of love, to support you during this horrible time unless you do something else to break trust. I do expect you to be honest with him from now on. Do you see what I'm saying? BOTH sides have messed up here.
For now though you have to focus on you....you don't want to lose your children. After your legal stuff is done, you are clean, you have access to your children...that's the time when you can decide, with the help of meetings, counselors and sponsors that you can talk to, whether or not you want this marriage. You have enough on your plate for the moment.
I said earlier that you were in my prayers...you really are. I truly believe in the power of prayer and in miracles. Twelve years ago if you'd asked me if I believed in those things I would have said no. For now, ask your friends who know about the situation and who are supportive, to pray for you. That is one of the best things they could do for you right now.
xox
I have been on both sides of the coin...I am the children of a violent alcoholic and I am an adult addict so I see both sides. I don't expect your husband to enable you but I do expect him, out of love, to support you during this horrible time unless you do something else to break trust. I do expect you to be honest with him from now on. Do you see what I'm saying? BOTH sides have messed up here.
For now though you have to focus on you....you don't want to lose your children. After your legal stuff is done, you are clean, you have access to your children...that's the time when you can decide, with the help of meetings, counselors and sponsors that you can talk to, whether or not you want this marriage. You have enough on your plate for the moment.
I said earlier that you were in my prayers...you really are. I truly believe in the power of prayer and in miracles. Twelve years ago if you'd asked me if I believed in those things I would have said no. For now, ask your friends who know about the situation and who are supportive, to pray for you. That is one of the best things they could do for you right now.
xox
Listen girl, just stay focused. Bettergetbetter said it: 90 mtg in 90 days and all the other stuff can wait. You are thinking about too many issues right now. Just DO what people w/ clean time suggest to you; here and in meetings.
Having been a nurse for 33 years, we in the medical profession are ignorant.
And the profession has a high rate of addiction, it's like kids in a candy store, then we're stuck & don't know what to do.
I had to come here for direction.
My family can't understand either.
And the profession has a high rate of addiction, it's like kids in a candy store, then we're stuck & don't know what to do.
I had to come here for direction.
My family can't understand either.
In regards to some of the comments above about the pharmacy needing to fill as the doctor has prescribed: I think that the pharmacist can decide whom they fill for and turn away whomever they want. Isn't it kind of like a resturant in that they can deny service to whomever they choose? Today, I was thinking that it was probably the pharmacist's call because I have abused scheduled medication. She probably didn't feel comfortable filling a scheduled med when I have abused so many.
The part that bothered me was her disdain for people who need to use soboxone. The pharmacy tech laughed at me as well. I had four scripts to pick up. One is a blood pressure med, one is a sleep med (Not controlled), one was an anti depressant, and the last was the suboxone. When I asked for my meds, the pharmacy tech said that she was unable to fill one, and it would be ready on Monday. I said oh no, I need it by tomorrow. I really need all four at least by tomorrow. She laughed and said it's the sleeping pill. The suboxone is filled. I took that like she was saying don't worry, junkie, the sub is filled. It's just he non narcotic sleep med. But that wasn't why I said I needed them all. They are all equally important as I am coming off of Ambien as well, and the doctor said that is a very tricky detox, and each was equally as important.
I will tell my doctor about how they felt about the clinic referring patients using soboxone to their pharmacy. I thought that was a good thing because the pharmacy is making more money by getting referrals. Sub is expensive, too. So more money for the pharmacy. But this pharmacist was not pleased with the fact that I had chosen their pharmacy from a list of acceptable pharmacies at a drug rehab. It was almost like she was saying, we do not want drug addicts as clients. We do not want to be on that list.
It disgusts me how people don't understand that addiction should be treated. Why would she not want to help addicts get better? Does she feel strongly about a cancer doctor putting the pharmacy's name on a preferred list? Would she say, oh I don't want patients to be referred here to get their cancer meds. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why does it make a difference what the patient is being treated for?
The part that bothered me was her disdain for people who need to use soboxone. The pharmacy tech laughed at me as well. I had four scripts to pick up. One is a blood pressure med, one is a sleep med (Not controlled), one was an anti depressant, and the last was the suboxone. When I asked for my meds, the pharmacy tech said that she was unable to fill one, and it would be ready on Monday. I said oh no, I need it by tomorrow. I really need all four at least by tomorrow. She laughed and said it's the sleeping pill. The suboxone is filled. I took that like she was saying don't worry, junkie, the sub is filled. It's just he non narcotic sleep med. But that wasn't why I said I needed them all. They are all equally important as I am coming off of Ambien as well, and the doctor said that is a very tricky detox, and each was equally as important.
I will tell my doctor about how they felt about the clinic referring patients using soboxone to their pharmacy. I thought that was a good thing because the pharmacy is making more money by getting referrals. Sub is expensive, too. So more money for the pharmacy. But this pharmacist was not pleased with the fact that I had chosen their pharmacy from a list of acceptable pharmacies at a drug rehab. It was almost like she was saying, we do not want drug addicts as clients. We do not want to be on that list.
It disgusts me how people don't understand that addiction should be treated. Why would she not want to help addicts get better? Does she feel strongly about a cancer doctor putting the pharmacy's name on a preferred list? Would she say, oh I don't want patients to be referred here to get their cancer meds. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why does it make a difference what the patient is being treated for?
Thank you so so so so so much for this. You made me realize that I am not alone reading your story. And you hit the nail on the head with how I felt when using. All of the sudden, it was like I had the energy of 100 people. I could cook, clean, get up every two hours at night, take care of the babies, and go to work while feeling like a million bucks. I thought the pills were the answer at the time. I went from feeling depressed to feeling warm and fuzzy with the pills. I was super mom, and in my messed up brain, the pills were a god send because I could do all of this work and feel great at the same time. I could survive on few hours of sleep in the beginning because of the pills, so I thought that nothing could be wrong about what I was doing.
And this doctor that I found just kept giving them to me. He would prescribe the pills and then Tussionex cough syrup over and over and over. For example, I would go to him week one on a Monday, and he would give me 30 norco 10s. Then the following Monday, on week two, I would go back, and he would prescribe a large 6 oz bottle of Tussionex. And it kept going and going and going. And in my messed up mind, I was thinking there was nothing wrong with this because this doctor was giving the meds. So if a doctor says it's OK, then it's OK. Then I got a tolerance to even that much. So I went to my pulmonologist to get another bottle. Well, you know the story from there. Then I wanted Ambien. And I did it again.
The whole time I was doing all of this, all I was thinking about was myself. All I was thinking about was getting the pills. What a terrible excuse for a mother I am. God blessed me with the two most beautiful creatures on the face of the planet, and I go and do this? I don't even have words for myself.
I know why my husband is upset. It is such a betrayal that I lied so much and spent our money on pills and doctors. I have asked him if he would like to go to counseling as a couple or individually. I have asked him if he would like me to find alanon meetings for him to attend. He says that all of them are stupid, and he doesn't need those. Right when I got arrested, he kept telling me that I should have come to him. I should have told him, so he could have helped me. But I knew how he viewed drug users because his mom is an addict. I knew he would hate me, and now he pretty much does anyway.
Since this has happened, he has gone on two vacations. Last weekend was my first weekend going cold turkey. I had not entered a program at that point. I just flushed the meds down the toilet and started detoxing. Some scary stuff happened to my body while detoxing from the Ambien part. I did some research and found out that with the amount I was taking, I could have a seizure detoxing. Mind you, I had both babies at home with me. He left for the entire weekend to go on vacation that was never planned before. He told me I owed it to him after what I had done. So I convulsed and vommited to the point where I could not take care of them alone. Luckily, my mother was able to help, so I just detoxed while she took the babies. He never called, text or returned any of my messages. He partied to the point of losing his voice.
Now, he is gone again this weekend. I told him this will break us if he keeps expecting to not have to be a father on the weekends and continue spending money we don't have right now due to attorney costs and bail money. He told me I owed it to him and that this was my punishment; to not have any help with the kids and let him spend whatever he wants whenever he wants. He works part time and makes almost nothing, so he is on my dime. Always has been. I am trying to scrimp and save everything because I know I am about to be out of a career that I have invested ten years in, and he is stealing money from my purse and purging money from our account. So, I am dealing with him on top of everything else that is going on.
I smoke, and it is something I am not ready to give up right now. I know nicotine is bad for me, but it is keeping me sane. I went to the store to buy cigarettes the other night. When I got to the counter, I couldn't find the money that was in my purse just hours before. I apologized to the man checking me out and put the cigarettes back. I came home, and my husband tried telling me I told him to take the money out of my purse. I know for a fact that I did not say that. He just took it. He tells me he is entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants because of what I did. I don't even have the strength to battle him. He will just threaten that he will take the babies from me, and he most likely could because of what I have done. So I just have to take the abuse. It is truly awful. I knew he was selfish, but I did not know he was capable of these things.
Sorry, I am just writing now because it's all just spewing out. On top of everything else, my mother told me that she thinks rehab clinics are enablers because they don't make us feel bad for the things that we've done and the people we lied to in order to get our drugs. She thinks that addicts should have to endure pain to learn a lesson for what they did. So pretty much everyone wants me to pay for what I have done.
What they don't know is that the emotional pain I feel right now is worse than any punishment they want to inflict upon me. I cry all the time. I am crying now. The night times are the worst because I can't sleep, so I lie in bed obsessing about my problems and what a terrible person I am.
I can so relate to the part of your story where the nurse was griping about the others she thought were trying to get pain meds. I came off as squeeky clean to everyone. Doctors and nurses saw that I am a teacher, and they just thought I wasn't faking my symptoms. But I am not different than any other addict. I have learned that we come in all shapes and sizes.
I think, in the end, that I will not stay with my husband. Right now, this has broken us. I know I am to blame, but I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive him either. I just can't deal with that right now. I have to just focus on my babies. I have to focus on rebuilding my life. I have to keep going, or I will forever be stuck in this quicksand. It's all about those precious little babies now. I will be the best mom possible and take care of them. They need me. I will own up to my mistake and just keep going because their lives would be forever messed up if their mother killed herself. I won't do that to them. I love them too much.
And this doctor that I found just kept giving them to me. He would prescribe the pills and then Tussionex cough syrup over and over and over. For example, I would go to him week one on a Monday, and he would give me 30 norco 10s. Then the following Monday, on week two, I would go back, and he would prescribe a large 6 oz bottle of Tussionex. And it kept going and going and going. And in my messed up mind, I was thinking there was nothing wrong with this because this doctor was giving the meds. So if a doctor says it's OK, then it's OK. Then I got a tolerance to even that much. So I went to my pulmonologist to get another bottle. Well, you know the story from there. Then I wanted Ambien. And I did it again.
The whole time I was doing all of this, all I was thinking about was myself. All I was thinking about was getting the pills. What a terrible excuse for a mother I am. God blessed me with the two most beautiful creatures on the face of the planet, and I go and do this? I don't even have words for myself.
I know why my husband is upset. It is such a betrayal that I lied so much and spent our money on pills and doctors. I have asked him if he would like to go to counseling as a couple or individually. I have asked him if he would like me to find alanon meetings for him to attend. He says that all of them are stupid, and he doesn't need those. Right when I got arrested, he kept telling me that I should have come to him. I should have told him, so he could have helped me. But I knew how he viewed drug users because his mom is an addict. I knew he would hate me, and now he pretty much does anyway.
Since this has happened, he has gone on two vacations. Last weekend was my first weekend going cold turkey. I had not entered a program at that point. I just flushed the meds down the toilet and started detoxing. Some scary stuff happened to my body while detoxing from the Ambien part. I did some research and found out that with the amount I was taking, I could have a seizure detoxing. Mind you, I had both babies at home with me. He left for the entire weekend to go on vacation that was never planned before. He told me I owed it to him after what I had done. So I convulsed and vommited to the point where I could not take care of them alone. Luckily, my mother was able to help, so I just detoxed while she took the babies. He never called, text or returned any of my messages. He partied to the point of losing his voice.
Now, he is gone again this weekend. I told him this will break us if he keeps expecting to not have to be a father on the weekends and continue spending money we don't have right now due to attorney costs and bail money. He told me I owed it to him and that this was my punishment; to not have any help with the kids and let him spend whatever he wants whenever he wants. He works part time and makes almost nothing, so he is on my dime. Always has been. I am trying to scrimp and save everything because I know I am about to be out of a career that I have invested ten years in, and he is stealing money from my purse and purging money from our account. So, I am dealing with him on top of everything else that is going on.
I smoke, and it is something I am not ready to give up right now. I know nicotine is bad for me, but it is keeping me sane. I went to the store to buy cigarettes the other night. When I got to the counter, I couldn't find the money that was in my purse just hours before. I apologized to the man checking me out and put the cigarettes back. I came home, and my husband tried telling me I told him to take the money out of my purse. I know for a fact that I did not say that. He just took it. He tells me he is entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants because of what I did. I don't even have the strength to battle him. He will just threaten that he will take the babies from me, and he most likely could because of what I have done. So I just have to take the abuse. It is truly awful. I knew he was selfish, but I did not know he was capable of these things.
Sorry, I am just writing now because it's all just spewing out. On top of everything else, my mother told me that she thinks rehab clinics are enablers because they don't make us feel bad for the things that we've done and the people we lied to in order to get our drugs. She thinks that addicts should have to endure pain to learn a lesson for what they did. So pretty much everyone wants me to pay for what I have done.
What they don't know is that the emotional pain I feel right now is worse than any punishment they want to inflict upon me. I cry all the time. I am crying now. The night times are the worst because I can't sleep, so I lie in bed obsessing about my problems and what a terrible person I am.
I can so relate to the part of your story where the nurse was griping about the others she thought were trying to get pain meds. I came off as squeeky clean to everyone. Doctors and nurses saw that I am a teacher, and they just thought I wasn't faking my symptoms. But I am not different than any other addict. I have learned that we come in all shapes and sizes.
I think, in the end, that I will not stay with my husband. Right now, this has broken us. I know I am to blame, but I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive him either. I just can't deal with that right now. I have to just focus on my babies. I have to focus on rebuilding my life. I have to keep going, or I will forever be stuck in this quicksand. It's all about those precious little babies now. I will be the best mom possible and take care of them. They need me. I will own up to my mistake and just keep going because their lives would be forever messed up if their mother killed herself. I won't do that to them. I love them too much.
Oh wow...your post made me wanna cry.
I just want you to know...you are NOT a bad person! Addiction affects many ppl, it doesn't matter your color, sex, religion or background. Addiction does not discriminate! It can and does happen to anyone. So please...don't beat yourself up about that, honestly, it won't do you much good anyway. So it's a lot of stress for nothing.
In my opinion, and I dont know this for a fact, but if your doctor prescribes it, they have to fill it right?? If you went to a chain pharmacy, I would think about calling corporate and explaining your situation and what the pharmacist had told you. I wouldn't think that they can just make a decision that detrimentally affects your health and well being, that's what doctors are for. And ya know what...I've had those same looks of disgust from pharmacists before, I was on methadone for 8 years. I had a very well respected position in our community, and it was hard to look them in the eye. But now that I've been off narcotic meds for almost two years, I look them STRAIGHT in the eye when I go get my blood pressure meds, because I have done something great. Something they could probably never accomplish. And honestly...I may sound a little uppity when I say this, but I feel like it makes me more human than they are. Because I've been there, I fought it, and I won! Those ppl haven't a clue.
So buckle down...worry about today only, this hour or minute. It will all work out, I'm sure it will. And I will be praying for you. Your story really hit home tonight and brought back a lot of memories and I just wanna say, it can be done. You've got this!!
I just want you to know...you are NOT a bad person! Addiction affects many ppl, it doesn't matter your color, sex, religion or background. Addiction does not discriminate! It can and does happen to anyone. So please...don't beat yourself up about that, honestly, it won't do you much good anyway. So it's a lot of stress for nothing.
In my opinion, and I dont know this for a fact, but if your doctor prescribes it, they have to fill it right?? If you went to a chain pharmacy, I would think about calling corporate and explaining your situation and what the pharmacist had told you. I wouldn't think that they can just make a decision that detrimentally affects your health and well being, that's what doctors are for. And ya know what...I've had those same looks of disgust from pharmacists before, I was on methadone for 8 years. I had a very well respected position in our community, and it was hard to look them in the eye. But now that I've been off narcotic meds for almost two years, I look them STRAIGHT in the eye when I go get my blood pressure meds, because I have done something great. Something they could probably never accomplish. And honestly...I may sound a little uppity when I say this, but I feel like it makes me more human than they are. Because I've been there, I fought it, and I won! Those ppl haven't a clue.
So buckle down...worry about today only, this hour or minute. It will all work out, I'm sure it will. And I will be praying for you. Your story really hit home tonight and brought back a lot of memories and I just wanna say, it can be done. You've got this!!
Can I say just one thing? Everything WILL be allright for you. I'm not just saying that because I'm "in the mood to bs someone right now." People that have seen my posts on this forum know how I TELL IT AS IT IS (and say I'm harsh).
That's just important for you to know right now.
All the other stuff is... just stuff.
Do what they say, if they say 90 meetings in 90 days, do it.
You don't know this, yet, but the cr*ppiness you feel right now is what's going to keep you clean in the future. This is all a good thing.
I'm going to repeat this one more time for you.
Everything WILL BE all right!
That's just important for you to know right now.
All the other stuff is... just stuff.
Do what they say, if they say 90 meetings in 90 days, do it.
You don't know this, yet, but the cr*ppiness you feel right now is what's going to keep you clean in the future. This is all a good thing.
I'm going to repeat this one more time for you.
Everything WILL BE all right!
Almost everyone on here knows exactly how you feel, no judgment. I am a mom of 5 and now two grandchildren, im 41 and started using after i had my last baby. My last two were only 91/2 mos apart, my other two were 6 and 7 and my oldest was ten. My husband at the time was an emotional and metally abusive alcoholic, hes now been sober for 13yrs. I was basically a single mother. A month after my last child i had two wisdom teeth cut out, i left with a script of perc tens which id never had. All the sudden i had the energy and confidence needed to take care of my kids, clean, cook, do my volenteer work and take care of my mother. Nothing got to me, no more depression i felt cured. We all know where this story went, Nobody knew i was using, nobody at all. I hated what id done to myself, id try to stop and be so sick then run to the er, or dentist or my dr with various pains and always got what i wanted. Once while in the er the nurse actually said to me she was so discusted by all the pain pill junkies in the waitingroom shed like to throw them all in jail they didnt deserve to b free they were morally corrupt ppl who ruined it for ppl like me who were good ppl in legitimat pain. As i sat there with my ear ache i myself caused by ramming a qtip in it i thought omg i am no different from thse ppl im just better at hiding it. I went cold turkey the next day it was hard and i was miserable but i made it. Fast forward 7yrs. I have sever arthritis, saw a specialist, insisted no narcotics as id had a problem. I was put on tramadole which i was told was safe, non addicting a wonder pain pill. They made me feel just like the vikes and the percs only they were safe, i thought. I was wrong very wrong. Now they have become a controlled substance and drs now know they are infact very addictive. Here i am 5yrs later trying desperatly to wean myself off them after taking 20 a day for over a yr now. Two wks ago my bottom hit. My dr called me in to count my pills and i had an insurance issue. I didnt make the count, she then checked the pharmacy data base and found id been filling scripts at every pharmacy for mos never giving my insurance so i wouldnt b tracked. She layed in front of me all the documents proving what id been up to, my secret was out. I was cut as a patient and escorted out by security in front of this staff id known for yrs who respected me, had play dates with my kids, attended parties with and here i am exposed for the junkie i am. Im not sure legally what im in for yet if anything, but it really hit me i have to fix myself. So much is expected of moms it makes sence how we become addicts we wanna be everything and we just cant. it is NOT a moral issue, you are NOT a bad person. Focus on loving you enough right now to get and stay clean whatever road that takes you on ct, weaning or subs find what works or you wont b able to stay with it everyones different. The pharmacyis required to do as your dr says, plz make him aware of what you went through he can help you.
Oh hun....the only opinion right now that should matter is yours. Now I'm gonna be a bit tough love...if my husband reacted like that I would have to really think twice about what kind of a marriage I have. 90% of the time the spouse of the addict is supportive NOT combative.
You are not a lousy person....you have an illness...you may need to drag your hubby kicking and screaming to the doctor but he needs to learn that because you really could use his support.
No one here is going to give you a free pass...as they say...you do the crime..you do the time...BUT we are not judging you for what you did. Unfortunately, one way or another you are going to pay for what you did...which is disgusting because with any other disease you would get immediate help for the disease not penalized because of it.
Talk to your doctor as soon as he is available. If he is half as smart as I hope he is he will have his nurse call around and make sure there is one pharmacy that will work with you. That is HIS job....you should not have to explain yourself to the pharmacy. If the pharmacy is qualified to prescribe suboxone then that is all they need to know.
From now on go in as a human being...one deserving of respect...not as a victim okay? You are a human being who deserves to be treatment with respect~
One other thing you can do is ask your husband and family to join the Addiction: Living With An Addict forum. There they will learn about how what you have is a disease, they will learn what they need to do to support themselves and how to support you without becoming an enabler. If you could get them there...which I won't say will be easy.
I didn't start out thinking I'm gonna be an addict. I started out with legitimate pain, then my husband was in the hospital waiting for a liver transplant and we coudn't afford a sitter for him so I was there nearly 24/7. My pain, of course, go worse so stronger drugs for me with no warning about the addiction probability from the doctor. Then we moved (hubby still physically unable to help), then 2 open heart surgeries, lung surgery and cancer treatment (As of yesterday he is now cancer free). He is still not strong enough to help me much so I'm constantly in pain....but now I'm opiate free and I'm learning to live life without the opiates. I never bought off the street, I doctor shopped once (accidentally) I got a scrip from Urgent Care and didn't know I couldn't fill it even if it was a different medicine) and I once (just once) eyeballed a prescription pad the doctor left in the room (I didn't take one thank god).
My point is, we all either do or think about doing these things. You are NOT alot, you are not a horrible person, you are sick...and you can get well and have a healthy, productive life. One day at a time.
I'm heading off to bed...but please stay in touch. Others will touch base will you throughout the weekend. Since your family won't give you the support you need we will. That's what our MH Family is for okay?
Hugz
You are not a lousy person....you have an illness...you may need to drag your hubby kicking and screaming to the doctor but he needs to learn that because you really could use his support.
No one here is going to give you a free pass...as they say...you do the crime..you do the time...BUT we are not judging you for what you did. Unfortunately, one way or another you are going to pay for what you did...which is disgusting because with any other disease you would get immediate help for the disease not penalized because of it.
Talk to your doctor as soon as he is available. If he is half as smart as I hope he is he will have his nurse call around and make sure there is one pharmacy that will work with you. That is HIS job....you should not have to explain yourself to the pharmacy. If the pharmacy is qualified to prescribe suboxone then that is all they need to know.
From now on go in as a human being...one deserving of respect...not as a victim okay? You are a human being who deserves to be treatment with respect~
One other thing you can do is ask your husband and family to join the Addiction: Living With An Addict forum. There they will learn about how what you have is a disease, they will learn what they need to do to support themselves and how to support you without becoming an enabler. If you could get them there...which I won't say will be easy.
I didn't start out thinking I'm gonna be an addict. I started out with legitimate pain, then my husband was in the hospital waiting for a liver transplant and we coudn't afford a sitter for him so I was there nearly 24/7. My pain, of course, go worse so stronger drugs for me with no warning about the addiction probability from the doctor. Then we moved (hubby still physically unable to help), then 2 open heart surgeries, lung surgery and cancer treatment (As of yesterday he is now cancer free). He is still not strong enough to help me much so I'm constantly in pain....but now I'm opiate free and I'm learning to live life without the opiates. I never bought off the street, I doctor shopped once (accidentally) I got a scrip from Urgent Care and didn't know I couldn't fill it even if it was a different medicine) and I once (just once) eyeballed a prescription pad the doctor left in the room (I didn't take one thank god).
My point is, we all either do or think about doing these things. You are NOT alot, you are not a horrible person, you are sick...and you can get well and have a healthy, productive life. One day at a time.
I'm heading off to bed...but please stay in touch. Others will touch base will you throughout the weekend. Since your family won't give you the support you need we will. That's what our MH Family is for okay?
Hugz
Hey, make sure you go to a meeting as soon as you can and talk, talk, talk. You need to surround yourself w/ recovering addicts, no folks who don't understand addiction. I really would say as little as possible to your family; they know, that's enough. They don't have to know all the details and they can't help you anyway.
Get lots of ph #'s at meetings. This forum is great but it's no substitute for voice or face interaction!
I've read your story so many times on here I can't even count (mom's getting arrested etc.) You are not alone. You are IN the solution. That's great.
Get lots of ph #'s at meetings. This forum is great but it's no substitute for voice or face interaction!
I've read your story so many times on here I can't even count (mom's getting arrested etc.) You are not alone. You are IN the solution. That's great.
I am crying just reading your comments because you are all being kind to me, and I don't feel like I deserve any kindness right now. My family, my husband, and my employer have all told me that this is a moral failing on my part. I keep reading that addiction is a disease, but no one that knows about what I did feels that I have a disease and need medical treatment. My parents think I am just a rotten apple. My husband told me I deserve jail time because I did something wrong, and I should be so embarrassed for my actions. I am. I really am extremely remorseful and embarrassed. My counselors and others in the meetings have all said that this is a disease that needs to be treated as such with counseling and meetings and support, but no one in my life sees it that way. To my family, I am a loser who spent time and money that I should have spent on my children getting drugs. How can I argue that? I did do that. For that, I will forever hate myself.
I felt depressed right after I gave birth. I should have sought help with that instead of medicating myself. I have had a problem with hydro for a long time, but I was clean from everything during pregnancy. I don't know why I went back. I just wanted to feel happy when my babies were home. So I kept taking the hydro to hide what I think might have been PPD. I was out of control. But I did choose to swallow those pills. No one held a gun to my head and told me to swallow those pills. I chose to do it. So maybe my family is right. Maybe I am just the biggest piece of crap that has every existed.
It was so hard hearing my husband say that addicts should be thrown away and locked up. I am so scared of going to jail, but I can't even discuss that right now. I am not even anywhere close to being in a place where I am able to discuss my legal issues without completely breaking down. It is just so hard to hear him say that I deserve all of this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever.
I felt depressed right after I gave birth. I should have sought help with that instead of medicating myself. I have had a problem with hydro for a long time, but I was clean from everything during pregnancy. I don't know why I went back. I just wanted to feel happy when my babies were home. So I kept taking the hydro to hide what I think might have been PPD. I was out of control. But I did choose to swallow those pills. No one held a gun to my head and told me to swallow those pills. I chose to do it. So maybe my family is right. Maybe I am just the biggest piece of crap that has every existed.
It was so hard hearing my husband say that addicts should be thrown away and locked up. I am so scared of going to jail, but I can't even discuss that right now. I am not even anywhere close to being in a place where I am able to discuss my legal issues without completely breaking down. It is just so hard to hear him say that I deserve all of this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever.
Because I have been red flagged through the DPS, it doesn't matter which pharmacy I fill the sub at. They are all going to see this and probably most if not all of them will not want to fill a controlled substance for me if anything at all. Also, since I have gotten myself into so much trouble pharmacy and doctor hopping, I would like to only go to one pharmacy for everything always. I do not want to have to use many pharmacies because they keep telling me no, so I have to move on to the next one. I don't want that. I want to be honest, transparent and do the right thing. I need to do the right thing.
I just re-read your post...the rehab, the meetings, all those things will help immensely with your court case...if you can..try for 90 meetings in 90 days (if it is feasible).
I should have also said that if you want to stay on the suboxone route to tell your doctor what was said. If that pharmacy is on a list for suboxone the doctor is going to be very unhappy about what happened. I still think that pharmacist should be reported.
If at all possible, please read that piece I asked you to search for. You will find it very enlightening. You are trying hard not to be hard on yourself but it shows through....you are knocking yourself all over the place. You had the right answer the first time around...why? because you are an addict! That's why we all do the stupid stuff we do...because we have a disease. We aren't monsters, we are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, white-collar, blue-collar...this disease crosses all lines.
Please keep us updated;
I should have also said that if you want to stay on the suboxone route to tell your doctor what was said. If that pharmacy is on a list for suboxone the doctor is going to be very unhappy about what happened. I still think that pharmacist should be reported.
If at all possible, please read that piece I asked you to search for. You will find it very enlightening. You are trying hard not to be hard on yourself but it shows through....you are knocking yourself all over the place. You had the right answer the first time around...why? because you are an addict! That's why we all do the stupid stuff we do...because we have a disease. We aren't monsters, we are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, white-collar, blue-collar...this disease crosses all lines.
Please keep us updated;
Sometimes there are rehabs that will fill the script there that would be really helpful. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now but we all have to hit our bottom sometime, and I'm sure this is probably the wake up call u needed. I know this is bad but maybe it's just god trying to save your life! I say your best bet is to talk to your doctor about the pharmacy he'll have an answer for you I'm sure he's had other patients with the same problem. Sorry I couldn't help more but good luck to you and your recovery hang in there it'll get better.
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