I feel your pain in your words. Im happy to hear that u r ready to quit. Thats the first step.
What were u doing when u were clean for 8 months? You should go back to doing whatever it was u were doing bc it was working for you.
What kind of pills are you taking?
I too have been a drinker(20yrs of and on) and I've been using percs and oxys for the past 8 yrs so I can relate to you a bit.
Here's my little story, I hope it helps you to at least know you are not alone. I have been using alcohol and percs for about 6 years then i graduated to oxys the last two years without my ex knowing about 6 of them (she only knew about the drinking). I tried to quit many times without her finding out and it wouldn't even last 1/2 a day. I finally came clean 2 years ago and since then she has been by my side for about 3 CT detoxes helping as much as she could. I continued to relapse over and over and then she finally had enough. I was out of the house, I lost my wife and two kids and everything I ever cared about.
Despite this, I continued to use until tuesday of this week. And then I had an awakening you can say. I said the hell with it and I decided to quit CT but this time without her help (she Refused). I had to do it alone. I wanted to get back everything that I lost and I knew I couldn't do it while using. Right now I'm going into my 7th day detoxing CT because, like I said before, I want everything that I lost back in my life. I had to make up my mind that enough was enough because what I was doing had gone to far. When I was using I didn't even think about the consequences, sure there was guilt and shame (especially the past 2 years) but nothing mattered to me, when I'd wake up in the morning i didn't think about anything except to use my drug. I needed it to make me feel normal or what I thought was normal. I never chose the drug over anything but the drug made me choose it. I wanted more than anything to bring my family back to normal but I couldnt because I didn't understand. I kinda get it now, I am slowly starting to understand addiction and hopefully this will be it for me. I lost 8 years of my life to this thing. Don't let it happen to you.
You have to decide that your going to quit and then you have to do it. It can be done, I'm doing it and if you read the forum you will see that others are doing it too. You can do this, give it a try. Use the forum and post questions you will get a ton of support, advice, info on how to relieve withdrawals and alot more answers. The people in this forum are truly amazing, they are happy to help, thats what got me through it. Anyway I'm rambling now but if you have any questions feel free to ask anytime. I wish you the best Good luck, best wishes.
I wish I could wave a wand and take it away from you...but it is not possible , for myself I had to go to na and aa and I was homeless, voices in my head and was 90 pounds adn open sores all over my body. before that I had a house a partner,a job etc, never in a million yrs did I think that I would end up where I did. addiction is cunning,baffling and powerful..withou t help it was to much for me , but i found it in the fellowship and through the 12 steps I cleared away my past adn today living a great life (with ups and down) clean tho!!!! wishing you a clean 24 hrs, One thing I had to do is become willing to do anything to get and stay clean and at that time if ppl in those rooms would of told me to stand on my head in a corner I would of , but instead they told me keep comign back and we will love you untill you can love yourself
Notsostrong, your post is actually pretty powerful. very honest. anyway possible that you could share with your girlfriend? tell her the truth? because i think that once you've been able to tell her, no longer keep the secret to yourself: not only could she help you and participate in your recoveey, but you may be able to get rid of external stresses such as delaying the wedding if necessary. external stresses that could cause relapses. right now, for you not to be selfish and not to loose everything in the process, you must put your sobriety first. sounds corny maybe but eventually you'll truly know it... so letting your lover know would be a big plus if possible. there is anon if she needs support. what a wedding gift you two would give each other... the common denominator in all my relapses is the secret. i always relapsed in secret. they always were the times when instead of confining in a friend, calling my therapist, speaking with my mother... i decided to stay silent and by the time I realised, I was already with pills in one hand and a glass in the other. as you know a recovery does not happen in a day or two. it is a long project. having her on ypur side would be ideal.
in regards to support groups for yourself, many are available from the traditional NA meeting to smart recovery, google your area and you should find something. i like one on one therapy but this gets pricey... keep posting here. you will get a lot of support and ideas.
notsostrong, you're actually not as weak as you think. your words are here to prove it. you are very young and already so convinced about what you want and what you fear. I wish you the very best
and keep us updated
BTW, on several situaltions, i decided to share my secret with people wbom i thought would be absolutely disgusted oncw they knew the truth about me. i was convinced that i would never hear from them again. some of them turned out to be the most supportive of my friends. just to point out that at times we expect the very worst and yet the outcome is for the very best
you have a lot on your plate, along with trying to hide your addiction, none of which is helping you overcome your pill addiction, can you see a dr. for help , or join AA/NA you need support, as much as possible, you will find this site a great help to you, you can get of these pills , and be free of them, what j34 said is so true, you need to do anything and everything to get clean, i am an alcoholic in recovery, and then got addicted to opiates, i swapped one addiction for another, i really wish you well, dont start your married life with secrecy, it will come back and bite you , keep posting, god bless , sudie
Omg! Thank u all so much!!! Your replys have truly touched me...really! I'm so scared sometimes. I'm a self destructive person but I don't want to destroy what I have, which is exactly what I'm doing! Over and over and over. U guys are honestly incredible! From the bottom..and top of my heart thank u! I wish u all the best and nothing less. I know it's not gonna be easy. I can do this..for ME. if I can then I know it will be the best thing I have ever done. I guess great things come at a cost. Our life and future is much better then any amount of pain or any pill! I hate these things and when I eat them that's all I think is exactly that..I HATE them! They are poison
Please stick with it! Keep your mind focused on the fork in the road that's in front of you. One path holds the potential for a wonderful life, the other is nothing but hopelessness.
Again, please stick with it, don't pass on what's been laid before you. Good luck!
I apologize if I missed it but have you decided what you are going to do yet? Have you started to detox? I'm with you about hating those pills, they'll suck the life out of you.