I'm back, yet again...

[StuckANDscared]

Some of the frequent people on here may remember me.  Long story short, I'm back to taking vicodin again.  I recently had a GREAT sucessful taper.  We went on vacation to an island in Florida with family - so I picked up a few sub knowing they last longer, and I wouldn't be really tempted to take more than the 1/4 to 1/2 of an 8 mg that will hold me for the full 24 hours.  For the last 4 days of the trip I only used 1/4 sub TOTAL...came home and felt fine for a few days.  

Nice, clean, trouble free taper.  I felt like God saved me yet again.  But, I ended up buying some from a friend who called me...and it's been about a month since then.  The trip was at the beginning of August, so it really hasn't been long since I had my last few days without anything (I know I still had some residual suboxone in me probably)...but the other day I was running out and at the 18 hour mark...felt like ****.

I need to get off these once and for all.  The last 5 days have been super low for me, only about 3-6 10mg norcos per day...but when I have my usual play money and pills...I can easily go through 20-30 day if I have unlimited access.  

I know what to do, I've done it before...I'm here for the support.  And for those who remember or read my past posts...the answer is NO my husband does not know that I got hooked again.  He found out last October, and thinks I've been clean since the beginning of last November...so I've been using on and off for almost a year.

I have 2 - 10 mg norcos left, only have had 20 mgs so far today and feel fine...I've been on a low dose for a few days so I've really adjusted quickly.  I also JUST started my P90X regimine, and am using my amino acids and a great supplement called BTI Mood - full of great stuff.  

When it comes down to it - it the restless nights the terrify me the most.  I mean, I hate having zero energy and the runny nose, eyes, and being irritable, but it's not sleeping for a week that kills me the most.  I need support you guys...

Hope those who are tapering are doing well, and those that are going hard cold turkey also...and for those that are clean...I'll be back in that classification soon hopefully...feeling really depressed...

[Heather8448]

Welcome back maybe its time to change things, what can you do different to prevent relapse? what are you doing the same that causes it?
some questions you should ask yourself!!
Aftercare? support?
If you need me I am here

[SuzzQ]

Hi, a few years back I came on here and was going to quit... but, then I was going through the w/d and didn't know what i know now about the pills. I had only got down to under one pill tapering, then started back up. Now, I know just what the pills/drugs do to us!! Now, I will never take opiates ever again!! I am for me, instead of the drug companies.. : O )  I hope you really make up your mind to really quit this time, like i did.. Life is so much better to be normal... I am still getting there, but have 34 days with no Norcos! I hope to see you where I am! I really do.. and, me where others are... 60 days behind them and some with much more time.. I know i won't touch those pills ever again... That is what is so important.. To really want your life to be normal... I wish you so much happiness.. with each day you are without any drugs.. I'm glad you have come to this decision.. : O )  Congratulations!  

[StuckANDscared]

So, I haven't posted since this orignal post in August casue I've been so deep into my rollercoaster of chasing pills.  And then things got really bad.  I was low on cash, my usual contacts were dry, but had one thing I've always been tempted to try - heroin.  I've used this intranasally (snorted) only, on and off (mostly off) maybe several times a month.  

But - the good news is I haven't had any in a couple weeks, and right now I've cut off my refill, and on just a temporary script of 3 - 50mg tramadol/day + clonidine.  I've just felt tired and a bit depressed these past 4 days.  Because I WAS taking 10-15 10mg norcos per day, the first few days I did take more then the 3/day...now I'm only down to 2 left.  

I'm really gonna try this time.  I literaly have NO access to $ therefore no access to any substances.  I truly want OFF.  I'm f*cking tired of lying and chasing pills, and hiding things from the people I love.  Last October when I quit, my whole family was involved because my husband found my script.  It felt good to have them know...but it was a letdown for them because this is the 2nd time they thought I was clean, and I got caught.  I can't imagine letting them down AGAIN...I just can't.  

Thank for all the support...today thru probably Monday will be the worst for me - after tonight I should be out and have nothing tomorrow...so I need hardcore support.  Thank you to everyone who takes time to write to me...the support here is a godsend.

[OpenMind24hours]

Congratulations on your decision to commit to stopping and going for the quality sobriety this time. I second the aftercare idea. Aftercare leads to quality recovery. There are many reasons we crave besides the drug itself. A good aftercare program gets us working on the entire picture. We're not responsible for having our disease, but we're responsible for participating in our recovery. That's exactly what you've done today. you're participating in getting your life back! You can actually get past the crave, and really enjoy being clean, by working on your recovery at your own comfortable pace. I had to commit to doing at least one positive thing towards my recovery each day. Logging in here, going to an NA meeting, helping someone who's wanting to get clean- just something positive each day. So far so good this time.

This is a big day in your life with this decision you've just made. You can do this. Glad you're back!

[HappyDays2Come]

Hi and welcome back! It's good that you're here and ready to try again. I'm pretty sure most of us on here have failed before so what's important is that you're not giving up and you're here. You know what to do and what to expect. Cut ties with any connections and begin thinking about aftercare. You can do this and we're all here to support you!

[ricart70]

Just get back on the horse and try again friend . I was wondering when you said "but when I have my usual play money and pills...I can easily go through 20-30 day if I have unlimited access. "     Does this mean you are still keeping an active scipt ?? If so You need to get that cancelled. Even at a year clean I would have a hard time with being able to get doctors to give me scripts. I would probably still be chipping away and waiting for my next refill.
Hang in there and you can do this .We are rooting for you friend

[ROSYouralright]

I'm glad you're here posting. We all fall and when we do all we can do is pick ourselves up and try again. You can TOTALLY do this. Miss VICOURAGEOUS and SARAH always say KEEP YOUR GUARD UP and I've come to understand how important that is. ONE is to many for us that are addicted. Hang in there. You can do this..

[toothfairie]

hi there!  glad you are reaching out for support!!  i remember the name....and i'm glad you are stopping....don't beat yourself up about this...just move forward from here...no judgments here...the only failure is NOT trying again....not because you slipped....we are here to support you in whatever way you need....be kind to yourself....you are worth it.  :))