Aa
I'm back again...
Hi everyone, I hope some of the "big wigs" on here remember me. I've been trying to post on here for two weeks, and every time I try...it says there is a error on page, and wouldn't post.
Very long story short. After endless attempts to taper off a horrible Vicodin habit for over 10 years. I'm finally off them. I have questions...which need to be answered below...but this is the short story about what I did different this time.
My husband found my pills...again. (This happened about 4 years ago. And I never really got off them.) I told him EVERYTHING...and even though I was scared (and prepared) for him to just get fed up and leave me...I didn't care a the moment because MY SECRET WAS OUT. I felt free even though I was still physicialy dependent.
I gave him the remainder of my pills (which was only about 10 - 10mgs) and he tapered me down over a week. I was typically taking anywhere from 5-25 - 10mgs a day. So, for the first few days I tapered down to 3/day, then 2 for a couple days, then really low to only 3/4 (split up in 1/4 pills) for a couple days then only 1/2 pill (split into thirds thruought the day. Let me tell you, I've been through tapers before, I've been through countless detoxes...and it was hard...but the only real symptoms I had were a bit of sleeplessness/tossing turning, anxiety (but not anywhere near what I normally go through), and some serious lethargy...minor RLS/inner restlessness...but it was NOTHING compared to my previous withdrawals.
I had the help of clonidine, xanax, and a very high potency full spectrum amino acid supplement. My husband controlled the xanax...and it helped because in the time where I knew I'd take 4-5 myself...he would remind me, "Honey, how many do you really NEED..." and it would help keep me in check.
So QUESTION - I had a severe taper for a week...then I caved. I bought some pills...and binged for 3-4 days after the taper. (Why...I dunno...scared/worried...whatever...) Though I'd go through WD's again after stopping the "extra" pills I bought, but I didn't.
I'm 6 days without ANY type of opiate. Using a xanax or two at night, but that will end within the week for sure. I just don't understand WHY this time was so different. I always cave during day 2-3 because not only the physical symptoms are so bad, but the mental part of it was so debilitating...I truly convinced myself that if life was this depressing sober...that I didn't want any part of it. I don't understand why I barely felt severe WD's this time, and now that I'm almost a week without anything...I'm not depressed. I'm so damn proud of myself, and feel so amazed/excited/confused/thankful that I can now see my life after-without pills...that I think telling my secret made the difference.
As good as all that is, looking for some insight as to why the physical WD's weren't bad at all. Is the taper process really that helpful. I've never done a taper that low before...always convinced myself it's gotta be super slow and super drawn out...but I guess not. A few days of being super tired and irratable...and only a sliver of a pill when it gets too bad - it gives you that mental break of "ok...pause...I can do this"...I guess.
Been on these forums for years...I finally took everyone's advice and told my secret. I owe my life to all of you who have ever helped me.
Thanks, advice and comments needed...
Very long story short. After endless attempts to taper off a horrible Vicodin habit for over 10 years. I'm finally off them. I have questions...which need to be answered below...but this is the short story about what I did different this time.
My husband found my pills...again. (This happened about 4 years ago. And I never really got off them.) I told him EVERYTHING...and even though I was scared (and prepared) for him to just get fed up and leave me...I didn't care a the moment because MY SECRET WAS OUT. I felt free even though I was still physicialy dependent.
I gave him the remainder of my pills (which was only about 10 - 10mgs) and he tapered me down over a week. I was typically taking anywhere from 5-25 - 10mgs a day. So, for the first few days I tapered down to 3/day, then 2 for a couple days, then really low to only 3/4 (split up in 1/4 pills) for a couple days then only 1/2 pill (split into thirds thruought the day. Let me tell you, I've been through tapers before, I've been through countless detoxes...and it was hard...but the only real symptoms I had were a bit of sleeplessness/tossing turning, anxiety (but not anywhere near what I normally go through), and some serious lethargy...minor RLS/inner restlessness...but it was NOTHING compared to my previous withdrawals.
I had the help of clonidine, xanax, and a very high potency full spectrum amino acid supplement. My husband controlled the xanax...and it helped because in the time where I knew I'd take 4-5 myself...he would remind me, "Honey, how many do you really NEED..." and it would help keep me in check.
So QUESTION - I had a severe taper for a week...then I caved. I bought some pills...and binged for 3-4 days after the taper. (Why...I dunno...scared/worried...whatever...) Though I'd go through WD's again after stopping the "extra" pills I bought, but I didn't.
I'm 6 days without ANY type of opiate. Using a xanax or two at night, but that will end within the week for sure. I just don't understand WHY this time was so different. I always cave during day 2-3 because not only the physical symptoms are so bad, but the mental part of it was so debilitating...I truly convinced myself that if life was this depressing sober...that I didn't want any part of it. I don't understand why I barely felt severe WD's this time, and now that I'm almost a week without anything...I'm not depressed. I'm so damn proud of myself, and feel so amazed/excited/confused/thankful that I can now see my life after-without pills...that I think telling my secret made the difference.
As good as all that is, looking for some insight as to why the physical WD's weren't bad at all. Is the taper process really that helpful. I've never done a taper that low before...always convinced myself it's gotta be super slow and super drawn out...but I guess not. A few days of being super tired and irratable...and only a sliver of a pill when it gets too bad - it gives you that mental break of "ok...pause...I can do this"...I guess.
Been on these forums for years...I finally took everyone's advice and told my secret. I owe my life to all of you who have ever helped me.
Thanks, advice and comments needed...
Just one small point because I am short on time. Be very careful here, a lot of us MUST change who we roll with because even though we may feel good today, confidence today, know we will never use again today . . .
Someday we will want to use, or at least I have a solid feeling I will. So for me anyway, I had to cut all sources, including friends, close friends, who have pills on hand. It wasnt/isnt easy. Protecting myself was priority ONE, not friends or even family. Not judging you, congrats on your clean time, just something to consider.
Bryan
Someday we will want to use, or at least I have a solid feeling I will. So for me anyway, I had to cut all sources, including friends, close friends, who have pills on hand. It wasnt/isnt easy. Protecting myself was priority ONE, not friends or even family. Not judging you, congrats on your clean time, just something to consider.
Bryan
Hi everyone. Been so busy that I don't even know my clean days. :-)
I understand what clean in ks was saying about WHY I was trying to figure it out. I wasn't trying to "decode it" persay...I was just SO shocked and confused as to why this time was near painless compared to others when I've done the same thing physically all times. It's just like when you see something that you simply cannot logically explain. Maybe God just paied more attention to me this time? ;-)
No, I cannot nor willnot change my bike "group". It consists of friend and family a large network of people with long histories that simply cannot be just abandoned. I've been around them almost everyday and so far I'm good. I still miss the opiate buzz, but feel so good being off them...and am scared to use again due to the fact that I know I won't get off as lucky if I get hooked again...
The group isn't just casual friends that I "hang" with...most of us grew up/were born into families with long histories with this group. Some have business ventures together, large ones, and work needs to go on as usual.
The way I see it - I cannot control 100% who/what I will run into in life. Even when I was NOT asking around for who I can buy some pills from...opiates popped up everywhere...people are simply casual about sharing/selling pills. It's become so "safe" and socially acceptable. It's scary. I think I would be doing myself a diservice if I were to quarantine myself from everyone I knew who had/used/sold/etc because then I think my defensed would go down...and if I ran into it as surprise after not having to think/deal with it for a long time...I think I may be caught off guard.
Not getting rid of every single person who I know comes into contact with prescription painkillers or other drugs (which none have ever been a "problem" to me) is a reminder to me WHY I got off them, WHAT not to do ever again, WHO to avoid getting too close to and WHO to keep close. Plus, some of the Members whom I'm close to know about mt situation - and they are very good at doing preventative control to kind of keep the Members who are active users and know that I have used out of my way...and doing damage control when something may come up where I may end up being around all of it. I have a good group of people who have my back...and I trust them implicitly with my life as they do of me. I don't want to make the entire group seem like users...lol...
Anyway...doing well. I wish the same for everyone else out there. :-)
Love.
I understand what clean in ks was saying about WHY I was trying to figure it out. I wasn't trying to "decode it" persay...I was just SO shocked and confused as to why this time was near painless compared to others when I've done the same thing physically all times. It's just like when you see something that you simply cannot logically explain. Maybe God just paied more attention to me this time? ;-)
No, I cannot nor willnot change my bike "group". It consists of friend and family a large network of people with long histories that simply cannot be just abandoned. I've been around them almost everyday and so far I'm good. I still miss the opiate buzz, but feel so good being off them...and am scared to use again due to the fact that I know I won't get off as lucky if I get hooked again...
The group isn't just casual friends that I "hang" with...most of us grew up/were born into families with long histories with this group. Some have business ventures together, large ones, and work needs to go on as usual.
The way I see it - I cannot control 100% who/what I will run into in life. Even when I was NOT asking around for who I can buy some pills from...opiates popped up everywhere...people are simply casual about sharing/selling pills. It's become so "safe" and socially acceptable. It's scary. I think I would be doing myself a diservice if I were to quarantine myself from everyone I knew who had/used/sold/etc because then I think my defensed would go down...and if I ran into it as surprise after not having to think/deal with it for a long time...I think I may be caught off guard.
Not getting rid of every single person who I know comes into contact with prescription painkillers or other drugs (which none have ever been a "problem" to me) is a reminder to me WHY I got off them, WHAT not to do ever again, WHO to avoid getting too close to and WHO to keep close. Plus, some of the Members whom I'm close to know about mt situation - and they are very good at doing preventative control to kind of keep the Members who are active users and know that I have used out of my way...and doing damage control when something may come up where I may end up being around all of it. I have a good group of people who have my back...and I trust them implicitly with my life as they do of me. I don't want to make the entire group seem like users...lol...
Anyway...doing well. I wish the same for everyone else out there. :-)
Love.
Good job on the clean days. Don't count your worries and take it a day at a time. Waves of happiness and depression are probably still on the horizon. Keep up your guard. Great advice above.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am sure the Zanax and weed have played a role in your wd. How are you mentally going to be around the people that use pain meds recreationally? That will be putting you in a very bad spot. I had to change my playground and playmates when i cleaned up. There is no way in he!! i could be around that sort of temptation even today. I hope you will take some time and figure out what you need to do to keep your self clean. You are worth the fight.
I'm thinkin "why is she tryin to figure out WHY it was a more "comfortable" w/drawal this time?"
How much better would it be to figure out "HOW" to stay this way and just do a jig cause you didn't have to suffer so much this last go round?
I really am not tryin to "rain on your parade".....just thinkin outloud w/you.
I tried to taper....both with 20-30 (10mg) hydros/day and then getting off subs after only using them for 3 weeks. I could NOT taper past 10/day. I had to just do it CT. It just dragged out the "hell" for me.
So if you do "figure out" what you did differently THIS time and the WHY question.... do you risk thinking maybe you can do it again? It is a HUGE and WONDERFUL GIFT to you...... I so agree..... very few of us get the gift of a w/d like that.......and you get to decide what you will do with this "gift" from here on out. And maybe it even lets others know that it IS possible, once in a great while, to be spared from the "nasties". huh?
I'm sorry if I'm comin across too bold since we don't know one another (except for being addicts, of course)
I just had a really uncomfortable feeling rise up inside me when I read what you said. Also, when you said you intend to continue to be around other "users" whether they be recreational drug users OR people that are able to take pills as prescribed. Even when "I" haven't been able to see a way to change something......if it isn't healthy for my new drug free life......I eventually am SHOWN a way. Knowing my triggers is a huge deal right now. It even forces me to stay away from some people I truly want to be around....like a sister of mine who has MS; but my Mom lives in the apt across from her porch and HUGE triggers go off right now if I'm around my Mom. I love my sis with all my heart and soul......but my life and my ability to grow and work thru this will take me some time. I look for opportunities to be w/my sis when a known "trigger" will not be present. I am starting to find some of those. It's just not "like it always was" and I REFUSE to "medicate" myself thru it anymore.
Just for today.......
Do you have ANY alternatives......other groups w/recovering addicts.....that know how to have a blast & ride.... just like you?.....or can you start one? Is your hubby a factor? If you have been connected to these people as a couple....and for a long time, I can see where you wouldn't want to consider it becoming a stumbling block for you in the future. Maybe your hubby has some thoughts on that??
I just know, I DO NOT/would not... trust MYSELF......I know if I kept hangin with people who "use" I would eventually say to myself that since I didn't have bad w/drawals the last time I'm just sure "I'll be ok"... and then....
I would relapse. Just "seeing" other people using sends a message to our brain (subconsciously for sure). Our brains WILL knock on our door sooner or later....and the more people you surround yourself whose LIFETIME GOAL is to stay clean..........the stronger you will/can be.
Once again, I hope you aren't thinkin "who is this woman to say this to me?" I truly do just care about you as a fellow addict....promise.
Maybe my "weird feelings" were my own red flag.......and I projected it onto you. I sure hope not. That honestly isn't what my motivation is here.
I am rejoicing w/you and am HAPPY for you; your recovery thus far.. and your new clean time!....
I am rootin for you and hope you can read this knowing I only mean well.
Keep posting......no offense intended.....you must do it your way, I know, not mine.
Thanks:)
How much better would it be to figure out "HOW" to stay this way and just do a jig cause you didn't have to suffer so much this last go round?
I really am not tryin to "rain on your parade".....just thinkin outloud w/you.
I tried to taper....both with 20-30 (10mg) hydros/day and then getting off subs after only using them for 3 weeks. I could NOT taper past 10/day. I had to just do it CT. It just dragged out the "hell" for me.
So if you do "figure out" what you did differently THIS time and the WHY question.... do you risk thinking maybe you can do it again? It is a HUGE and WONDERFUL GIFT to you...... I so agree..... very few of us get the gift of a w/d like that.......and you get to decide what you will do with this "gift" from here on out. And maybe it even lets others know that it IS possible, once in a great while, to be spared from the "nasties". huh?
I'm sorry if I'm comin across too bold since we don't know one another (except for being addicts, of course)
I just had a really uncomfortable feeling rise up inside me when I read what you said. Also, when you said you intend to continue to be around other "users" whether they be recreational drug users OR people that are able to take pills as prescribed. Even when "I" haven't been able to see a way to change something......if it isn't healthy for my new drug free life......I eventually am SHOWN a way. Knowing my triggers is a huge deal right now. It even forces me to stay away from some people I truly want to be around....like a sister of mine who has MS; but my Mom lives in the apt across from her porch and HUGE triggers go off right now if I'm around my Mom. I love my sis with all my heart and soul......but my life and my ability to grow and work thru this will take me some time. I look for opportunities to be w/my sis when a known "trigger" will not be present. I am starting to find some of those. It's just not "like it always was" and I REFUSE to "medicate" myself thru it anymore.
Just for today.......
Do you have ANY alternatives......other groups w/recovering addicts.....that know how to have a blast & ride.... just like you?.....or can you start one? Is your hubby a factor? If you have been connected to these people as a couple....and for a long time, I can see where you wouldn't want to consider it becoming a stumbling block for you in the future. Maybe your hubby has some thoughts on that??
I just know, I DO NOT/would not... trust MYSELF......I know if I kept hangin with people who "use" I would eventually say to myself that since I didn't have bad w/drawals the last time I'm just sure "I'll be ok"... and then....
I would relapse. Just "seeing" other people using sends a message to our brain (subconsciously for sure). Our brains WILL knock on our door sooner or later....and the more people you surround yourself whose LIFETIME GOAL is to stay clean..........the stronger you will/can be.
Once again, I hope you aren't thinkin "who is this woman to say this to me?" I truly do just care about you as a fellow addict....promise.
Maybe my "weird feelings" were my own red flag.......and I projected it onto you. I sure hope not. That honestly isn't what my motivation is here.
I am rejoicing w/you and am HAPPY for you; your recovery thus far.. and your new clean time!....
I am rootin for you and hope you can read this knowing I only mean well.
Keep posting......no offense intended.....you must do it your way, I know, not mine.
Thanks:)
I remember u.Im glad ur off them.U sound like u have a great husband too.I too was blessed w/a great husband through when I quit.Im not sure why ur w/d wasnt too bad.Sometimes we just get lucky but Om not sure if u used clonidine before during ur w/d I did w/mine c/t off100-150mg a day.That,immodium and xanax like u.The clonidine did make mine a lot easier.I really believe n that med.Congrats welcome back and please stick around.
At some point you may have to make a choice - your health or the club. I did. There are people I avoid - I have to avoid. An addict who is constantly exposed to their DOC will probably relapse. That's a fact. I wish you the best.
Thanks Kyle. To be honest, right now...what's keeping me from using is realizing how wonderful I feel and how "present" and optimistic I feel about my future.
Unfortunately, cutting my sources is impossible. My profession and lifestyle involve different types of people, some of whom which use painkillers correctly/responsibly...and some who use various DOC's recreeationally. I will/cannot say much, but I belong to an MC (motorcycle club) and it's simply part of life for some of the members of the group.
The stress of spending all my time counting pills, asking for early refills, and constantly worrying myself sick about getting sick if I ran out is too much for a person to bear. I feel so free and lifted simply not having to worry about all that anymore.
My doctor knows not to refill me unless something happens where I actually need strong pain control - ie: surgery, etc;. And even then he knows that I wan him to write it in my husbands name so he can pick it up and hold them for me if need be. But, unless I need open heart surgery...I can handle broken bones, etc without...I'm one tough *****. Even tougher now having kicked this habit.
I'm continuing with the amino acids, and I'm gonna try tonight to go without any Xanax for sleeping...we'll see how it goes. Melotonin dosn't do crap for me, valerian root can kiss my *** too. I occasionally use a tiny hit or two of some good grass...and that helps with sleep...I just really miss that "deep" feeling opiate nod sleep. The kind of sleep where you're just so content being still and cozy...I know sleep is usuall the last thing to return to normal.
I just cannot explain why I don't feel worse. I've WD'ed many many many times and it's never been this easy. I am thankful thought and trying to stop wondering why and just go with it.
I wish everyone well. And for those who are thinking about kicking the habit or currently WDing/tapering...just be strong and do it. It IS worth it and after ten years of use I am so proud that I can finally start posting my clean days and also encouraging other members to fight the good fight.
We can do this...
Unfortunately, cutting my sources is impossible. My profession and lifestyle involve different types of people, some of whom which use painkillers correctly/responsibly...and some who use various DOC's recreeationally. I will/cannot say much, but I belong to an MC (motorcycle club) and it's simply part of life for some of the members of the group.
The stress of spending all my time counting pills, asking for early refills, and constantly worrying myself sick about getting sick if I ran out is too much for a person to bear. I feel so free and lifted simply not having to worry about all that anymore.
My doctor knows not to refill me unless something happens where I actually need strong pain control - ie: surgery, etc;. And even then he knows that I wan him to write it in my husbands name so he can pick it up and hold them for me if need be. But, unless I need open heart surgery...I can handle broken bones, etc without...I'm one tough *****. Even tougher now having kicked this habit.
I'm continuing with the amino acids, and I'm gonna try tonight to go without any Xanax for sleeping...we'll see how it goes. Melotonin dosn't do crap for me, valerian root can kiss my *** too. I occasionally use a tiny hit or two of some good grass...and that helps with sleep...I just really miss that "deep" feeling opiate nod sleep. The kind of sleep where you're just so content being still and cozy...I know sleep is usuall the last thing to return to normal.
I just cannot explain why I don't feel worse. I've WD'ed many many many times and it's never been this easy. I am thankful thought and trying to stop wondering why and just go with it.
I wish everyone well. And for those who are thinking about kicking the habit or currently WDing/tapering...just be strong and do it. It IS worth it and after ten years of use I am so proud that I can finally start posting my clean days and also encouraging other members to fight the good fight.
We can do this...
Congrats to you on coming off.
You said::: had a severe taper for a week...then I caved. I bought some pills...and binged for 3-4 days after the taper. (Why...I dunno...scared/worried...whatever...)
The "WHY" part needs to be looked at and dealth with....
If not,,,,seems like a repeat is on the way..
Rooting for you
no one said it was easy,,,,,but I think we all agree it was worth it
Free~
You said::: had a severe taper for a week...then I caved. I bought some pills...and binged for 3-4 days after the taper. (Why...I dunno...scared/worried...whatever...)
The "WHY" part needs to be looked at and dealth with....
If not,,,,seems like a repeat is on the way..
Rooting for you
no one said it was easy,,,,,but I think we all agree it was worth it
Free~
Thanks for the post. Telling your secret is one of the parts to a solid recovery foundation (along with cutting all sources and getting aftercare). It is the hardest thing to do; I've had people strongly disagree, so reading your post was encouraging.
It's hard to answer your question - we are all so different. Tapering is usually easier on you physically but draws out the mental crap. Whatever it was just consider yourself fortunate this time. If you don't stay clean you'll detox again, and it gets much harder the older you get. What are you doing to stay clean?
It's hard to answer your question - we are all so different. Tapering is usually easier on you physically but draws out the mental crap. Whatever it was just consider yourself fortunate this time. If you don't stay clean you'll detox again, and it gets much harder the older you get. What are you doing to stay clean?
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