I'm finally clean, sharing my story and asking for help!?!

[AmoreDiAmore]

I'm the daughter of two addicts. I spent most of my life trying to help my parents get off drugs. Doing things that a daughter should never have to do to their parents like committing them, arresting them and sometimes taking the drugs right out of their hands. Through all those years I never stopped helping them, I was determined to get my parents back from the grips of addiction. I wished and prayed every night for them to stop using.  I thought that it would never happen but Finally when I was 25 i said this is it, I'm moving to MN with my boyfriend and I am never coming back, I've spent my whole life helping you and doing everything I can to get you off drugs, if you still want to use I'm out of your life. That month both of my parents got help and till this day are sober. Shortly after I became the drug addict. It all started with my gallbladder. I started having extremely painful gallbladder attacks witch i went to the hospital for and was treated with Demerol witch at that time knocked me out. I have 5 attacks and 5 shots and 5 prescriptions for percocet. Shortly after I had my gallbladder removed but in-place of it was an addiction to painkillers. Around the same time my back pain problem got extremely worse and after trying everything else I got percocet and fentanyl patces.

It all started with one pill. It helped me want to do things, i wanted to clean, i wanted to go out and get things done. Soon it took more and more pills to get that affect. 5 years later, here I am. but I'm happy to say, I'm clean!

I've been addicted to drugs for 5 years, Vicodin, percocet, fentanyl patches, demerol, morphine, Dilaudid, and recently Ultram, I was taking up to 25-35 5-mg percocet or 20-30 7.5 Vicodin, I would wear 2 25-mg fentanyl patches while taking percocet. I would go to the emergency room, sometimes in real pain and sometimes no pain at all, after a while a got good at faking it. I would tell them I can't take motrin cause it kills my stomach, so they would get me demerol or morphine or Dilaudid 1st, cause I was always a 10. These drugs would work for 4 hours but after an hour i would complain the pain had returned and sometimes get injected 4-6 times within 6-8 hours. I did this 12 times within 3 months.  Then on the days I had nothing and the ER doctors wouldn't believe me I would take 500-700-mg Ultram 4-5 times a day. I put my body through hell, my immune system is shot, I've been sick with infections over 15 times within 4 months, I am weak, tired, and my overall spirit has been slowly ripped apart.

BUT NOW!  I am so ******* happy to say I AM CLEAN! I am on the Suboxone program. I went to detox August 13th, completed the 5 day detox and now I am in intensive outpatient program witch it 4 days a week for 5 weeks, 2-3 NA meetings a week, once every two weeks I meet with the Suboxone Doctor and my group Counselor I also see a psychiatrist once a week and I'm going to start seeing a therapist 2 times a week. I ran out of  the Vicodin August 11th, I wasn't going to go to detox, I was planning on getting some more Vicodin later on in the month but after a day of withdrawal I said I can't do this again, I can't keep lying to myself, doctors, my boyfriend my family and friends anymore. I knew i would need more help cause I tried doing it myself a million times and failed each time. I even tried going to a methadone clinic and before I went i took 10 Vicodin, 5 2-mg Ativan and methadone and O.D. in the waiting room. Not once during any of my attempts to get clean did I not want stay clean, there was never a time when I didn't crave drugs every single second of every day and constantly think of ways to get them, I even entertained the thought of getting heroin. But I never went that far. I realized that this is the way I'm going to die.

I knew  I couldn't do this by myself and I need lots of help, so i looked up doctors that do the Suboxone program and after calling about 20 doctors I finally found a place with  no waiting list and that would accept my insurance and went in the next day. I know Suboxone may be abused and people may get high off it but I can say for myself that it doesn't get me anywhere near how I felt while taking 30 Vicodin a day. For the past 13 days my craving for opiates went from every second of everyday to maybe once or twice a day. And now I do not want opiates anymore, I don't want to get high. Without the constant cravings I can focus on my treatment. And I actually  feel good and confident about my recovery instead of feeling completely hopeless. The only bad side affect is I get tired a lot. But I rather be tired than throwing up, shaking, sweating and in severe pain because of withdrawal any day. Some people say you're moving from one addiction to another and I really don't look at it that way. I got hooked on pills because of my chronic pain, I need pain medicine everyday. Taking two suboxone a day helps not only my pain but depression and anxiety. So this is a good course of treatment for me. And I haven't felt this good without opiates in 5 years. I'm so happy and I hope i can keep this up!  I need support and sober friends, I'm also looking to help and support as many people as I can. Message me anytime and don't ever lose hope! .

[AmoreDiAmore]

thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and offering support, it means the world to me when people take the time out to give some support. Thanks so much!

[mom_of_two136]

Great post! I started suboxone a year ago and am now suboxone-free! It can be done! I slowly weaned off while getting the help I needed to change my addicted brain. I reduced my dosage my 25% every month and toward the end was taking a crumb every third day at the end. I have been clean for a few weeks and feel really good. Insomnia has been the only trouble but nothing I can not handle. Take your time and work on changing your life while you slowly wean off. Suboxone saved my life literally (was on life support for three days from OD). It ended my addiction. You will become dependent on suboxone but no longer in active addiction. It will give you time to work on you. And I found that I could wean off suboxone (was not addicted to it) where I could never wean off of my DOC. Just wanted to share my positive suboxone experience. Best wishes.

[whitie]

well we have seen similar stories like yours. I personally am anti-replacement(sub and methadone)opioid,because the body's brain receptors are still on an opioid,that is very strong. and after what I went through to get off methadone, I can honestly say its a nightmare,far worse than oxy's and hydros........


but your story does point out cases,where people are just so bad, that another approach(sub) may be the only thing they can handle. certain cases I would support a short term sub program, like yours given what you said..........but to fool ones self by taking them for a long time, is just a lie. such individual is still a opioid addict, that is reliant on opioid pills to function in life.  


I wish you all the best

[Hickskc]

Wow I really enjoyed reading your post.  I felt the same the first time I took them, wanted to clean everything.  I am now going to a clinic tomorrow.  Free but there for me.  Best of luck to you!
Tammy

[leeisgettingclean]

really good reading. You sound to be going the right way, just keep your guard up.