I'm having a moment

[weaver71]

I feel that same feeling of emptiness and isolation that I used to. I have had so many good opportunities, everything feels overwhelming. I don't feel like I can connect with anyone. I'm thinking that feeling or lack of feeling from active addiction is a natural thing, just like the high. Every thing we feel on drugs can be achieved naturally, good and bad. The difference is, I can clearly see myself. I'm waiting for it to pass the way I waited for detox to pass. Nothing is working out the way I think it will. There's a lot of clean up from my years of drug abuse. There's only so much I can do in a day, I know. I can't tell if I'm having PAWS or am having a natural bad feeling. It's really strange to feel this way again and be so aware of it. I have legitimate reasons to feel overwhelmed, so maybe this is a good thing. I can't control my emotions, but I can control how I respond. So, here I sit, waiting for time to change things. I knew that I would continue to have challenges, just never thought I'd feel this again. Still no regrets. Can anyone relate?

[dominosarah]

Your home sounds simply awesome!!!  

You are sounding better now so i feel better!  The low times can be very draining but the rewards will soon again outweigh the bad.  You know i am always here for you rooting you on!!!

[Eveleivibe]

I agree with that. I feel like s*** in the mornings but start to feel slight better as the evening roles in. Strange how the mind taunts us n has us think things eh.

[Eveleivibe]

We are here for you xxxx

[VICourageous]

Hey Guy we will bring our Drywall Business over soon!! Have all the tools to make it a bit better..Thanks for the PMs and I know this will pass..heck it already has..I want to go camping but I like to sleep by the fire..No not play with fire.Ha!!! Your house is going to have the spirit of life when you get done my friend..You are a very wise man and I know you can do anything you put your Heart into..Good work..

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya,
Just want to give you a virtual 'hug,' as I think you need one.
As I'm still in my addiction, I cannot best advise you.
However, my suggestionwould be do you have any helplines you could call for times you are feeling this way? In the UK we have help lines such as 'talk to Frank,' and 'DAN,' which are concerning drugs. There are a few for depression and so forth. Would you feel ok to talk to someone in this way?  I have been doing this n it really does help, just to have someone non-judgemental listen to us. However we are all different.

I'm sorry you are going through this n if yogu ever need anyone to talk, vent

[SmilingBright]

Tears   Lol. Not years.  

[SmilingBright]

Wow what an honor tony for u to even say that I helped u!!!!  Omg!!  Bringing years to my eyes.  
Praying for ya buddy!!!!

[weaver71]

It's funny you say that. I was dripping sweat and my hands where bleeding in the boards as I was putting them up last week. I thought exactly what you said every time sweat landed on a board. Literally, my blood and sweat are in the walls of my home. Most the tears go on my shirt and down the sewer, but there's been plenty of those too. Yeah, the exaggerations people use to make a point are the norm in my crazy life. Makes for good conversation and bed time stories for the kids. The kids always ask Mom "is he making that up?" Good times........Good times.

SmilingBright, you are one of my mentors too. I'm so lucky to be an addict and all that comes in recovery. We all have so much to give to each other a d are willing to give it. Hey, thanks for helping me stay sober, I could 't do it alone. I'm hangin tough, just feel low, I'm pulling out my tool bag and getting to work.

[SmilingBright]

Praying for you tony!!!   Sorry you are having a little bit of a rough time.   You are one of my mentors who has been a huge part in helping me get off of methadone!!!  I pray you take this one day at a time and God gives you the peace and joy that you deserve my friend!!!!!!  Big hugs going your way my friend!!!!
Chris

[nursegirl6572]

That's freaking awesome.  I've heard some people say their house was built on their own blood, sweat and tears...but few can say that and mean it so truthfully as you.  Really, that's something incredible.  You should be very very proud of what you're doing!

[weaver71]

My house was built over the years, starting in 1910. When I decided to leave my old life and get clean, I gave up a lot. I didn't lose it, I gave it up. Trucks, trailers, tractors, farm land, where the sacrifice. I started my new life with $500. Needless to say, scary for a sole provider of a family of 4. I threw everything into recovery and this old house was all I could get. I worked a few deals and jobs, and made it happen. Well, now I am tearing every wall in the house out. I'm about 1/2 done framing it. We stay in a tent to stay out of dust and make room to swing a sledge hammer. So there it is, up close and personal. Nothing is too personal nursegirl. I've already humiliated myself enough that nothing really matters. We are only as sick as our secrets, I love that old saying.

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds like a great plan!

If I may ask, why are you sleeping outside in a tent?  Was that your choice?  

I understand that's a personal question, of course I don't want you to answer it if you're uncomfortable, I'm just curious.  I apologize if it's pushy to ask.

You're one insightful guy...you'll get back on track, and I'm a FIRM believer that turning to the professionals is NEVER a bad idea.  I've made some amazing progress inside a therapy office.

[weaver71]

At 14 days, take a nap whenever you want to. If your sleeping at 14 days then you are doing awesome. I'm sure you look like Lurch from the Adams Family too, hehe. I know I did, maybe a little more dead looking. Though I struggle now an again, I am aware of what I am doing and can control what my next move is. That's priceless. Enjoy that nap, I'm off to work.

[neveragainplease]

I'm day 14 and feeling like Lurch on the Adams Family sounds..."You raaaaannng?"

I'm just like F*ck it I'm taking a nap.

[Fireby29]

Hi weaver, glad to hear you are a bit better.  The exercise thing for me is a vicious cycle, as I know it makes me feel better when I do it, but when I don't I tend to crash hard and miss a week and feel awful guilt.  Not the healthiest response, so I am trying to tone it down a bit.

I know it helps a pot-ton mentally, so I am trying to stay in the gym everyday.

Bryan

[weaver71]

Yeah, I work outside, am sleeping in a tent in the yard, and hardly go inside, now the sun came out. I noticed a huge improvement once. I went back to gardening. I think I will force myself to get up earlier. The mornings seem to be rough on a lot of us. I haven't been working out or swimming either. I think I just let myself go. Time for a new time budget and to take a close look at my expectations. I started expecting too much out of myself and doing less for recovery. Those of you who know me know that I do everything the hard way. I learn my lesson, but I seem to prove the whys before advice sinks in. This is a time of reflection, no hurry, not a time to do anything but form a new plan of recovery. There is only one of ME. There's my new mantra. Just hearing from you and organizing my thoughts is making me feel better. I am beginning to feel hope again, not just know that there is hope. Thanks again.

[ricart70]

I am just like you vicki.Morning sux but I always get feeling better after I make myself do all of the things and the evening rolls around.Most people say they feel better at night.I am always glad to be able to look forward to the tranquility of the evening time.  

[VICourageous]

Hi ..Oh NG knows what I have been going through..Hey Weaver my Dr wants me to try the Mindfulness Classes..I know you told me that there was only one NA a week Right?? I do both AA/NA. We have a small town but we have alot of meetings for AA..NA is only at night most of them but the others are day & night..Also I do like what Ricart said because that is when I get rolling is if I am in the house..So I just go out now that the weather is nice..I just have a hard time in the morning but hours later I chill a bit..Hang tight there Bud..I am following in your footsteps!!!

[weaver71]

Hey guys. I'm a little better. I think I'm feeling the normal woes of life. I talked to my wife about the tension in our relationship, talked to the kids about how their behavior effects me and everyone around them, and took some time to just sit and be yesterday. It's wierd, I've had bad days, this time it feels just like those pathetic days of hopelessness, definitely caused by addiction. Nursegirl, I need to get back into counseling and focusing on growth. There is no such thing as good enough when it comes to recovery. I let my life get wrapped up in activities and responsibilities. It goes back to my original focus, balance. if I had just felt sad, angry, or frustrated, I wouldn't have thought much about it. Being that I have had feelings exactly like the times I would sit there high and feel so unattached, shut down, and foggy brained. It does feel like a flashback, bujt I know as well as anyone that the mind can create any mental or physical states of being. I feel a little better. I've learned not to feed or analyze my feeling too much, but they baffle me still. Thanks you guys, I'm pulling through. I think this is just a little reminder to keep focused on recovery. It's too easy to get distracted. I want to go back to the addiction counseling classes. Learning to be a therapist was really helping me stay focused and surrounded by people with the same goals. My meetings are good, but in our little town, i've heard every story more than once. I think I was getting a stagnant feeling. I am writting like suggested and prioritizing. That's why I talked with the family and friends. I don't feel hopeless, like I did before. it's the same feeling without the panic, self-loathing, and hopelessness. That's huge. I can see the progress behind me and trust it will continue. I'm going to focus on one task today, work. I can't simplify my life really, but I can simplify my approach. So glad to feel a sense of control in this situation. Not perfect, but it has and will keep getting better. I'll keep you posted.

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today?

[nursegirl6572]

I think it's easy to overanalyze bad days when it comes to something like addiction...it's easy to want to automatically want to relate everything to it, because you've been used to that for so long...used to every single thing in your life being intertwined with addiction.

Everyone, addicted or not, goes through these kinds of periods...ups and downs, good days and bad.  I think you're VERY wise to be vigilant about how you feel, to keep your guard up...but I also wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the way you feel has anything to do with your addiction.

I do the same thing with my panic disorder, and my therapist has really helped me to see that if I'm JUST having a bad day, or feeling anxious about some kind of real stress in my life...that that has nothing to do with my panic disorder...it's not the anxiety disorder always causing those kind of bad days...sometimes I'm just having a bad day and that's okay.  It's hard though, because I DO find myself overanalyzing and worrying a lot when I have bad days.  It's hard sometimes to just say.."it's a bad day, everyone has them.....it's normal".  MY thoughts automatically go to "OMG, my panic is coming back...this is my panic"

So, again, while you are wise to be on your toes, to guard your sobriety, this may indeed just be a bad spell you're going through...it could be related to something in your daily life, stress, etc....or it could just be the rise and fall of our moods.  What you said is VERY true...you may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control how you act and respond to those feelings.  That's a powerful statement.

Spend some time with your loved ones, turn to a trusted friend or family member to vent...if you don't feel better, then get into some therapy.  I cannot stress how amazingly cathartic therapy can be.  Try not to jump to conclusions and overanalyze what all of this means.  Be aware, but not hyperaware.  Keep talking about it...to us, to your loved ones...THAT in itself will make you feel a lot better.

You've helped so many people here, weaver...sometimes it's okay to be the one who needs the help for a while...I'm glad you reached out.  I'm behind you and wishing you well.  Hang in there...if you need as ear, I'm always here...you can PM me anytime.

[ricart70]

How are you doing now weaver?   let us know

[ricart70]

Hang in there Weaver !!   we all and I mean all have bad days,hours etc.
What I always do is I have a series of shock treatments I give to myself.1 is the ice cold shower (3 minutes or longer). 2 is I go and run 3-5 miles.  3 is I take away all of my comforts and stay away from home or wherever I feel I can melt into a pool of apathy.  
    I have found this stuff to help as a no think,just do thing to jolt me out of my blah state. Thinking my way out of it or talking my way out of it just does not work for me.        Hope you feel way better way soon my friend.You are an inspiration to us all and a great help here on the forum.  We don't want you down in the dumps-you know that though

[weaver71]

Thanks you guys. I know I shouldn't say this, but the chance of total relapse is not likely. My bottom was as low as you can get, and live to tell about it. If I became suicidal I could see myself considering opiates. Suicide is what a relapse would be, I'm certain of it. I have total faith that all things come and all things go. It's physics. I almost didn't post this. I no longer have that sense of panic or memory lapse. I just remember reading posts early on of 6 months or more. Even strong members relapsing, it gave me a perspective on how they where dealing with life. The longer I'm clean, the more I realize how the newest member is the most important person here. I haven't been very good about helping out lately. So now I'm feeling down. I need you folks in those first days. Giving advice helps me keep my own life in check. That's something I have control over. It's easy to fall I to old thinking and not even notice. So thank you all from those considering quitting and you old timers, you have been the source of my freedom. Freedom to choose is what makes me human. I was a very wounded animal, to say the least. God bless you, Every One