I'm in Trouble

[Bkitty]

This is a really hard post for me. I havent done anything,,yet. I guess you can say that in my head Ive pretty much relapsed. I feel like its only a matter of time before I take a pill. I cant seem to get any right now. Yes, I tried. I feel like I am in a downward spiral again. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I cant carry my weight with work. Im struggling in all areas. Im overwhelmed. Ive been to NA and I just sit there. People have noticed that in the past few weeks I dont seem to be "myself". All I want to do is sleep. I'm self medicating with Tylenol PM , I take it in the morning so I can go back to sleep and as soon as I get home to go back to sleep. I am enjoying some time with my hubby and we have been doing some things together. But all I want to do is sleep and not face the world. I dont know why I am doing this,,,again. Im medicated-Cymbalta, Lamictal and Seroquel. Ive been taking my meds although I have missed a few doses. I know. 253 days today. Im willing to throw that all away. I dont get it. What do I do now?

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

Hey b sorry ur doin it hard my dear friendi wish i was there to hug u you haven't failed and your not gonna sending prayers,love n big hugs thinkin of u mwah xoxo

[Bkitty]

Thats what I was thinking! I did get a wax earlier tonight! I got mugged!! Im am smooth as a baby's butt now!No lint or cat hair can kling to me! Thank you for our support! I am so tearful when I think how everyone here circled the wagons and waited for me and pulled me thru. Im not in the clear yet,,but clearer than I was. I thank God for my cyber family!((hugs))~Bkitty

[Sonrissa]

Hey! Hair on you chin may be an indication of a hormone problem!! Sorry, I know it's kind of a TMI subject! (smile) go get a wax honey!

Seriously, a simple blood test can diagnose any type of hormone imbalance or issue! Please take care and stay strong! You will get through this pothole in the road! Big hugs, Bkitty! You are much loved!

[kellkell2184]

All though I do not really know you or your story I can however tell that you are a very strong willed woman and have got to keep your head up very high. I am sorry that you have been going through such a hard time but you have already proven to be very strong as you posted and admitted on here to wanting to use so that already speaks volumes of the kind of person you are. Hold your head up high and keep your faith girl!

[waterLilly7]

yeah GF, I really don't think all of this you are dealing with is from the addiction. I really would like to hear what that doc has to say. hang in there, it will be better very soon.
hugs,
Lily

[Bkitty]

I cant thank all of you enough for circling the wagons and supporting me. thru yesterday and the last 2 days. You all helped pull me thru this. Im not out of the woods yet,,I still need to address the depression and my appoint was moved to next week. I got my a$$ outta bed today and got to work. I had a long busy productive day. I feel a lot better,,not 100% but I realized that I have to surrender to this and realize that this is my reality. This is who I am. I am an addict with 254days clean. I am an addict. There is no where to run anymore. I cant hide from this.

I think my hormones are kinda crazy,,I have hair on my chin. Black ones. ???

[Pat1956100]

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you and you are a very special, kind person.  Please stay strong.  
Hugs
Pat

[selfinduced]

Oh Girl, Your going to get thru this. Besides depression, I wonder if your hormones are a bit out of whack? Have you ask your gyno about that? Being a step parent with a diff x wife is no walk in the park, and trying for a new baby can also have it's emotional whoa's. Think Of it this way. This is sure to get resolved, but if you use that will complicate the baby making plans. Do everything medically to balance yourself and then maybe go see a therapist for the emotional. Hang in there, this is temporary . Sending lots of good energy and mountains of hugs.

[gratefulogan]

i know you remember what kind of hell your detox was.  
you gotta realize that no matter how you feel now, if you go get what you THINK you want (a pill) you are going to be thrown right back into the briar patch and will feel worse than you EVER have. you KNOW this. take a vacation. after 253 days clean, id say you deserve it.

[dominosarah]

Thinking of you this morning~~

[Dane74]

OH my sweet girl, i so feel your pain:(   I am too going through similar struggles, the idea of battling my addiction for a lifetime is so freaking overwhelming to me.  I get cravings everyday and look and find reasons to use and then the angel on the other side tells me NO.  We do not have an option now do we?  We need to just keep on fighting and pray that it will get easier with time.  You have come such a long way, don't throw it all away, just think how you feel now over a mental relapse, imagine if you did relapse?  NO WAY WE CANT!!!!!  I am so proud of you for coming here for support and going to your husband, that just goes to show how much your sobriety means to you, you are a fighter my friend, don't give up.  The depression is such a huge trigger, i know it all to well, try to get the depression under control and fight DAM IT.  

[Sonrissa]

I just don't know what to say except that I am so very sorry! It's good to seek help as soon as possible! I'm praying very hard for you to get better soon! Much love and support! Please keep posting! At least you can get your feelings out and get some love!

[Bkitty]

I sit here balling my eyes out. I feel so...depressed, aggravated, fustrated, miserable. Am I really back to square one? How did I get here again. It was going so good. No I have not taken any pills and have no way of getting any. But, In my head,,Ive relapsed. I really feel like I have. My husband keeps asking " Did you do something, you dont want to tell me about?" "Whats bothering you?" I dont KNOW!! I think that I am bored. During the week all we do is work, eat and sleep. We ride our dirt bikes on the weekend. I come home from work, finish work and then go to sleep. Wake up for a bit then go to bed. I think the baby thing is really bugging me. We have been trying and nothing is happening and that scares the hell outta me. What if I cant get pregnant. Im so afraid and ashamed. I feel/felt so ready to move on to the next chapter and nothing has happened. We are mostly drama free now that the court/custody crap is over with. Of course the mother blames me for everything. Then my step daughter goes to spend time with her and bad mouths me. Then we get a nasty letter from her lawyer-blaming me for all this stupid sh*t that I dont do. We have it all really. Great jobs, nice cars, home, money in the bank most of the time, bills are paid. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I should be happy. I know that I cant wait till Aug 6th to get seen. So we are heading up to the hosp tomm evening to go thru intake. I feel like a big baby. Feeling sorry for myself. I will say that battling addiction every day, is tiring. Then I get mad because I have to. I have to make an effort in being sober and sometimes,,it *****! I will never be free of this. I will have to face this everyday for the rest of my life each and everyday. But what is the alternative. F*ck it all up and lose everything. The addiction in me says " It will be fine" the sober part says "Are you f-ing NUTS" I definately think there is a chemical imbalance going on. My hubby locked up the meds and guns. He knows the routine. God Love him. I just dont feel good. I dont know how else to say it. I feel like my heart is broken. Today I did not use and tomm isnt looking good either. :) But one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Back to basics. I feel mentally like I am back to square one. This time this hit really fast and hard.

[Elmijack15]

Please be honest with your doctor about your use of Tylenol pm I just looked up the drug interactions of your meds and the Tylenol pm has moderate interactions with all especially the seroquel. Can you try to stop taking the tylenol pm until you see your doctor. Your AD may not be working and may need to be adjusted or changed at this time. I don't think this is related to your use of narcotics as its been so long since you stopped but it does sound like you're clinically depressed as you want to sleep all the time, something is bothering you that you haven't figured out yet and you're thinking about relapsing as that was your escape in the past. Don't do that, it will not get you to work on what's really going on. That is not the solution and you know that. If NA isn't working try one on one counseling but I think your Tylenol pm use is making things worse. I'm glad you can't get any pills and I hope you never do. Keep moving forward you've come to far to go back now.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way to clear your mind so that you see things more clearly.
Glad you posted. Now stop it and go get right :)

[Bkitty]

Im doing Ok. I slept all day. But Im up and hanging in there. Im going to get my a$$ out of bed and get some things done around here. Try and pull myself outta this hole, slump, whatever...Thanks :)

[IBKleen]

Where oh where has the bkitty gone...where or where can she be..la la la

Either you come back and post or I will keep singing and honey---it ain't pretty!!! Let us know you are okay.

[dominosarah]

You can run, the thing is you cant hide.  Get yourself to the doctor my friend.  Once you get to feeling better emotionally things will fall into place and the fight you are dealing with in your head wont be there like this.  You have to surrender to win~~

[vicki595]

You need to be seen and you know it. This is a classic depression and it's approaching severe...it's such a huge trigger for using and it's so out of your control, I know.  Support is important here. Talk to your husband some more. Ask him to help you in any little way. You need comfort and kindness and understanding. You need a hug...

IBK is very wise, so read what she wrote once again-      Are you alone? If so, stay right here and keep posting!

[Bkitty]

Im not giving up! OMG am I kicking and screaming though! Ive relapsed mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I havent taken a pill and I have no way of getting any. I feel like Ive relapsed though. Except I didnt take any pills. It weird. I still have all the feelings that you'd have if relapsed. The guilt, anger, shame, disappointment, hopeless..you name it. Like IBkleen says you relapse long before you take a pill. Im a firm believer of that. But all you wanna do is run...and I cant. Or ill f*ck this all up again! I was given a second chance.. I hate that I have to fight this f-ing battle all day every day. Im tired of it. Im so tired.

[Fireby29]

Hi BKitty, you have gotten so much good advice, I just wanted to send you support and positive vibes.  You have been so strong to get to this point, you can make it.  Keep going!

Bryan

[Free2agoodhome]

Dont you dare give up

[Bkitty]

Thank You everyone!! It means so much to me to have you all support me. I told my husband and he thought something was up with all the sleeping I am doing. I also removed myself from a situation today that I could have gotten some pills. I was covering for another nurse and I actually called in today because I knew If I went there, God knows what would have happened. After tomm I am back to my shedule and have no access to anything. This isnt the first time that I have had to do this either with my job. The last time there was a divine intervention and I guess this time as well. I ususally am really strong and it doesnt bother me but being in this state, there is no way that I can do my job. I will NOT set myself up to fail. Like Sarah says, using is not an option. Its just not. But to feel what I am feeling, oh God its so painful. The thing is I am not even sure what I am feeling that has me feeling like this. Honestly, I thing some of it is from boredom. I was in a routine, a schedule, same thing day after day. No drama. I feel hopeless. What is there to look forward to? I feel like I am never going to get pregnant and its just gonna be the same thing all the time. Today, I will not use. I have no way to do so. Tomm I have a crazy busy day. Im already dreading getting up and facing it. Thanks again~Bkitty

[gnarly_1]

Hey Kity......well you did the right thing posting and probably saved yourself a relapse but remember relapses happen days b/4 you actually use it time to get serious with the aftercare.....I know it can be scary to share the first time at a meeting but it time to open up when you like this it will only help ....there is no substitute for human interaction and a meeting is the perfect place they will understand there mean wile you have bought yourself some time coming here to post......stay strong and dont pick up you will regret it  it just not worth how much it sets you back im talking from experience now......I know you can do this Kity you been doing great keep posting for support good luck and God bless...........Gnarly

[On2better]

Open up to your sponsor or at a group meeting at NA, just like you have to us. Hang in there BKitty, just for today. 200+ days is a lot to throw away. You say youre willing to go back to day one? Hell no!! You will get thru these tough times a better person for facing them head on. Xoxo