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Avatar universal

I'm ready to quit and I'm scared...

I'm a 25 year old woman living in beautiful Miami and studying in the medical field. I have been using hydrocodone for about 5 months on a regular basis, before that for about 4 months only on the weekends. The past few months I have been having to use it daily in order to feel ok. I was never prescribed these pills and discovered them while working in a night club through other people. They made me "happier" and gave me more energy to work all night long.
I was taking about 60-180 mg a day. I have been tappering myself off the past week and am down to 20 mg a day.

The saddest thing is that I didn't know how addicting these things were. My "friend" who was selling them to me and put me on to them didn't say anything and I unfortunantly have been very sheltered when it comes to drugs. Last month I went out of town and didn't have any for several days. I was sad about it but didn't think anything of it. When I started running to the bathroom every 20 mins and having hot and cold flashes and restless leg syndrome I thought I caught the flu on the plane. When I told my other friend about it on my way to pick up some more pills, she asked me if I was going through withdrawal. How sad. It hit me like a brick wall. I realized then I was truely addicted.

I don't want this problem anymore! I don't have any desire to take them, I am only taking what little I am now to keep from being sick. Because I am down to such a low dose I wake up in the morning with slight withdrawal symptoms from sleeping all night without any. I take 7.5 mg to stave off the uncomfortable feeling and go about my day. I repeat this twice more throughout the day. I can't buy anymore because that's when I start using 60-180 mg a day just because I have them and want to get high.

I am starting the Thomas Program this week. I need suggestions, advice, support. Nobody knows about this problem, not even my boyfriend. I feel like a royal jerk for keeping this from him but I am determined to kick. Does anybody know how long and how bad my WD symptoms should last since I am down to about less than 30 mg a day?

Thanks,
June in Miami
33 Responses
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491030 tn?1242424766
Well it is Monday, I got threw the weekend not so well but now it is time to get threw the week at work without feeling like I am not going to make it. Yes I am still taking the norco I am going to try to make it today with just 4 after the last one I will take the Klonopin I don't know how to tell myself that I am going to get out of this alive and I am not going to die "my anxiety" talking .... I can do this, I can do this ... It seems the less pills I am taking the more the nightmares seem real I wake up and feel like my heart is just wanting to pound out of my chest and dizzy, irritated...I want to be able to do this at home ... I can do this! How are you doing Goldenarm you are on day 6 what is helping you get threw this throw stuff out their for me "maybe something will work for me" How are you getting to sleep at night?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hope u feel better. sometimes all that loud fast furios pace can be stressful coming down like u r.Day 6 for me and part rough and other times not bad. still very low dose of the Sub and im going to family for easter.It is beautiful our today and i just watered my gardens, hoping for best and back to work tommorow,,,,Happy Easter..everyone
Helpful - 0
491030 tn?1242424766
Yes it is a GREAT song... I thought I was going to be able to do this without anything this weekend did not work out that way ( got very sick cause i just tried to stop) I only took 2 but that is enough to make me feel really bad cause i did not stick with the plan. I can not even go outside without feeling like the sun is blinding me :( Went to the movies to watch to Fast to Furious and the whole time I could not concentrate on the movie it felt like all the noise was coming out at me at the same time ( I was very irritated) but I stuck around cause I did not want muy husbands attempt to make me feel better go out the door...I hope you are all doing much better then me cause I feel like My stomach wants to just go round and round... I can not think straight I am out "HAPPY EASTER" everyone. I did like that song by Tool also interesting lyrics different interprutaions of the song of what the meaning was... I was reading up on it...jejeje:)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey June...congrats on recognizing your dependency (you are not an addict).  Ok...you did what you had to with the job, working hard, and this snuck up on you.  I'll give you a tip though...don't worry about the bf...if he really cares for you, he'll be there no matter what; if he doesn't understand or wants to run, let him.  Miami is a great place and I'm very familiar with that area...used to live in the Gables. Keep going, get clean and don't look back.  But remember your experience...it will provide a foundation for you living drug free in the future.

Guy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I bought that 3 days before i got clean, cause i liked the way it sounded, yesterday i realized exactly what you had just posted is what was said while i also listened to the Alllman Bros, ( Its not my cross to Bare) and June said this one by Tool  did something for her so i looked it up..Ironic isnt it..Great beat to it...I listened to it today too when i went out to eat and check my BP,,day 4 so far so good..
Helpful - 0
491030 tn?1242424766
I like this song...by Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'cuz i'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

The sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Ooh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
Quiet scares me 'cuz its words are true
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I wont remember save your breath, cause whats the use?

The night is calling
And it whispers to me softly "come and play"
I am falling
And if I let myself go im the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then its good, it's so good
Till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself crying;
Never again
Broken down in agony
Just tryin' a find a way

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Im safe
up high
nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
no pain
inside
youre like perfection
how go I feel this good sober?

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Theres a shadow just behind me,shrouding every step i take making every promise empty pointing every finger at me,,Then the part that goes on to Jesus wont you Fing whistle something but the past ,is done,Mother Mary wont you whisper something but the past is done..
Interesting lyrics.I really like the Why cant we be Sober, I just want to start things over.
Makes sense to me..That is scary all by itself. and very motivating at teh same time. I think we really get into action behind fear and pain..And of course Pleasure...Hope your having a good day..
Helpful - 0
491030 tn?1242424766
WOW...is all have to say I am amazed by your post .... I wish could be that strong but  ended up giving my meds to my husband because  was just poping them like skiddles.. I am now down to 5 and I no longer have control over them I will not ever touch another pill after this is all over with.... I  am staying in bed all weekend with no pills except the Klonopin to let me sleep .... Then I will be back to work on Monday with maybe 2 pills in my system this is going to be a fast taper for me. I just can not stop working that is what keeps me going and my husband he said it was ok, but not me I got myself here I will get myself out "YOU REALLY MOTIVATED ME" with your thoughts. I could not lie to my husband so now he is part of my solution so I can get out of this alive... KEEP UP THE GREAT POSTING they are AWSOME!  I feel like can really do this:)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would suggest you get somebody to help you, and I say that only because you have 3 kids. It's going to be hard enough to take care of yourself much less 3 kids. If you aren't ready to tell anybody then say it's the flu. Call your mom or somebody! Wait til you go CT and when it gets unbearable call for backup. That should buy you at least 3-4 days when the WD will be the worst. They can take care of the kids and take care of you. The remedies for WD are very similar to those of the flu... plenty of liquids, Immodium, hot baths and vitamins... play it off!
Good luck and keep us posted!
Helpful - 0
349859 tn?1257790973
THANK U SO MUCH!!! Like I said, I've been down this road before, but its been years and   I was coming off of oxys, not subs. I will DEFINITELY try the tips you have given me. Its just so much harder trying to do this w/ kids. Before, I only had my oldest son and although I was miserable, I just can't help but think how much harder it will be having 3 kids depending on me to take care of them while I feel like ****.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The biggest help was tappering. It really really was not fun, but it made CT that much easier. Have been CT since Wed morning and it's only Friday and I am feeling pretty great all things considered. All because of the taper. It is unpleasant but it makes WD when you CT a LOT better. Try to start as soon as you can, the longer you taper the better the outcome.
Since I went CT hot showers, L-Tyrosine in the morning with B6, Magnesium supplements and eating lots of bannas and Immodium have helped HUGELY. As for the restlessness at night I take ,5 mg of Xanax. Not sure if that's a good idea for everybody, but since xanax is very different from oxycodone (not to mention I hate xanax and the way it makes me feel) I thought it was would be an easy sleep aid for me to use to get through the first few restless nights.
Good luck, and all I can reiterate is TAPER!
~June66
Helpful - 0
349859 tn?1257790973
I so admire your strength! I, too will be where you are at....again! This time off of suboxone. I have been on them for almost 4 yrs. I never took over 8 mg a day, but I am scared ********!! LOL I have 3 kids. They are 4, 2, & 5 mths. I just don't know if I can quit. I want to so bad, but I am so scared of the w/ds. What has helped you the most?
Helpful - 0
679575 tn?1245115450
Hmmm... I am not off of pain medication.  I am a person with chronic pain.  I like to come to this forum i guess to keep myself on track.  I don't want my life to spin out of control.  I have enough health issues to deal with.  I find that the people here are great and give good advice.  I am always looking for other ways possible that i might be able to control my pain besides pain medication.  So i just find this place seems to work for me.  I also like to try and help people with what i know with my experiences with pain medication.  I did run short once on my meds and it wasn't pretty and i never want that to happen again.  I hope I don't offend anybody by coming here even though I am still on the pain medication.  That isn't my intention.  I just want to offer encouragement to anybody trying to get off,  I know it must be hard because with just my one experience i don't know if I could do it and that scares me a bit.  And if by some miracle they find a cure for lupus and rhuemetiod arthritis and i like knowing that there is a place i can go to help me get off the this stuff.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think one of the reasons I am kicking so 'early' is beause I knew in the back of  my mind that I didn't have the resources you have. If I were working and not a student and didn't have to worry about not having health insurance I would have kept going longer. The fact that I thought I was in an early enough stage to quit on my own without subox. or a facility was the reason I chose now. That and the fact that when I graduate I will be in the health industry and drug tested EVERYWHERE. Also, I didn't even realized I was addicted until about a month ago. You are blessed to have the resources you have, and I am so impressed that at this point you are doing it at home... I think if I had continued down this path another year I would have to be in a facility for sure. Your will power is impressive! Stay strong! Can't wait for us both to be back to enjoying the things we love!

Luppygirl, thanks for your encouragement! I agree, Goldenarm and I are very postive and strong people, I have the utmost faith in both of us!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for the kind words, they dont go unoticed for sure.How long have you been clean? DOC ?
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Avatar universal
That is a really good report. You are going to make this no problem.To not have any anxiety is huge. It says alot about how you are and what you are made of.The sleep part is big for me too. Not so much that i cant because i watch movies ,but the next day when i have to work, that kills me, i need to have my math skills be sharp as well as talk to clients adn such. Very dificult area, As long as it passes quckly i will be ok.It can wear on you,I wasa guessing it had something to do with a Bday! Just didnt want to say that.The 25 yr old threw me off as i was thinking along actaul yr.I love the way you put your #s together.I have health insuarance so im lucky in that area.Right now money is not a concern for detoxing,time is important and of course comfortability. I could have spent a week in a top of the line faciltiy but i cant stand being in that kind of enviroment, I want to be able to do this on my own terms if that makes sense  with outside help .Ive taken 2 of the L tyrosine so far and cant tell if they are working or not, having a rough time not feeling the high from the oxys after 2 yrs,Physically ,,on the other hand.mentally im ok with it, Know i really need to move on and continue my career path.I cant wait for this to be all over and back to going jet sking and offshore fishing working out, everything thatI do to feel good, This stuff really stifled me, i still did but not as much and it didnt feel the same, the excitement was gone alls i cared about was having pills to eat....That will be 25 Hail Marys and 15 Our Fathers,,,,Your great June 66, Thank U for your help....
Helpful - 0
679575 tn?1245115450
Just wanted to wish you guys the best.  You both sound like you are on the good and right track.  Keep up the amazing job you are doing.  Before you know it life will be great again.  Take care!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was sore but I took the L-Tyrosine and I feel... NORMAL! I feel like I did before all this ****. The tapering and the fact that I stopped after 6 months has helped a lot. I just feel really hyper and excited, I know it's the L-Tyrosine and B6. Once it wears off I'll be sore and tired again. My worst time is bed time. I hate lying in bed with my muscles feeling so weird. It really is the worst. At least during the day I can walk around and so stuff.
June66 is for my birthday and my favorite number and my shoe size... I was born on 6/06 and my favorite number is 6 and my shoes size is 6 and my birthday was 6/6/06 in 2006. I just like the number six... Rather than put 666 and seem satantic I put June66. I'm not satanic in any way, I was raised Catholic :)
I like your moniker, it's very moving and I'm sure very effective. I'm going to download the Pink song, I keep seeing it when I google the Sober Tool lyrics so I'll check it out.
Keep up the good work! You are very lucky to be working with a Dr. I was going to do an at home detox program with a Dr, but it was waaay to expensive. I don't have health insurance and all I do is go to school so I'm on a strict budget. I'm glad it was too expensive though because I think with the Thomas program I won't be needing any help...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good Morning  2 u. Goldenarm is a misnomer if u will.When i was younger 15-25 yrs ago i had a love hate affair with Coke and Chiva.I put alot of the money i made working into my veins . Enough so that i could have bought enough gold to form an arm...Not proud of it. Just trying to keep it in perspective so i dont work so hard for so long to waste it on that h$it again ever.I have bought the thomas recipe ,- the Benzos and am trying to put that into action with the Subs. So far so good. My biggest hurdle will  be droping the sub within the next 10 days. I know it is helping alot right now.My Dr. told me to take 3 of them a day for 30 days and cme back and see him and he would probly keep me on them for 6 months and then wean me off. I THINK NOT!! Ive done extensive research and have lived this before, Shame on me for doing it again by coming in the back door with back pain using legal prescrition DRUGS,i knew better.I agree ,music is great to use, i bought 2 CDs and one of them is SOBER! But it is by Pink and just realy good, I like a wide variety of music,depends on my mood.I also bought the Allman Bros greatest hit and it has ,ITs not my cross to bare on it and that does it for me.Then i tune in to my movie channels, i have Verizon fiber optic and a bigscreen in my room.Ive worked really hard over the yrs and ive tryed to make our house as comfortable as possible. Im a huge believer in the reward sytem, Why work so hard if u cant enjoy it.You are doing great, I love yor positive attitude, im going to feed off that , Thank you very much, you help me greatly and your appreciated.How are you feeling today? Sore? Thanks June 66     What does June of 66 mean? I would try to guess but im all over the place with that..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good morning Goldenarm!

It's funny how we get our priorities confused when we are contantly high... I would eat super healty when I was on the roxies too... weird. Like it was helping any while I was filling my body with poison.
I just wrote a journal entry and the power of music and movies. ENGULF yourself. I did yesterday and it passed a lot of time. Time is my enemy. The more that passes the better I will feel and farther I will be from this.
I don't know if you like rock, I prefer hip hop but 'Sober' by Tool is an amazing, empowering song to listen to right now. I put it on my Myspace... nobody knows what I'm going through and having it blatently on my Myspace is kind of empowering.
Also, try some L-Tyrosine if you haven't yet, I feel soooo much better.
Keep up the good job, I am proud of you!  :)  
Oh by the way... 'Goldenarm' is that name from the old scary campfire story or is it totally different? When I was little there was this story we used to hear at camp about a Golden Arm... its scared the bejesus out of me. Just wondering....

~June
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I love that part about being relaxed after stressing out so hard like you are, Pig out, I love Dryers chocolate and butter pecan. I eat fudgesycles alot too because they are only 40 cals each and along time ago i started watching what i eat, How ironic is that? I watched what i ate for the most part and got addicted to oxys? what an as& i am. Right now eat anything and everything ,The main concern is not eating any more   DOC..I should say. Some of my better thinking has got me into alot of sh$%. I hope you can rest and relax and get some well deseverd sleep.And some peace.Im going to lay down and try to watch a movie too.. I have a headache from hell but compared to yesterday not near as bad..Thanks June 66...............GA
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for your support. It is miserable. There is no denying that. I just feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, when I walk around it feels better but then I get so tired. I just took .5 mg of xanax because I'm getting really restless. I figured it would mellow me out and after I write here I'm taking somebody's advice and going to the store to get some ice cream to pig out and watch a movie.
My main mind frame is this: bunker down and wait it out. Each day will bring me closer to feeling better. It's miserable, but it's necessary. If I don't do it now, it will only get harder. I am lucky that I am at a level I can do this on my own without the help of a costly Dr or other drugs. Of course I'm not please I had to get the xanax illegally but it's the lesser of 2 evils. I hate the way xanax makes me feel so I do not believe I will have a desire to take them after I get clean.

This place is AMAZING. It brings me to tears when I read responses and the hontesty and caring that everybody has. I'm so glad I joined, and I want to help everyone else. Well I'm starting to feel a little better from the .5 mg of xanax, I feel relaxed so I'm going to get my ice cream and chocolate and pig out until it's time for bed.

Everybody keep up the good work. Goldenarm I am proud of you and I know you can do this. Let's help each other. We are so blessed to have the ability to share with one another here. Let's use it to our full advantage.

~June
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im 27 hrs into my detox and i was really miserable,THe anxiety was overwhelming, Im doing this by myself but my Girlfriend  is at work right now and knows that im doing this but doesnt really grasp it as she has never been in this position.This is our house and i feel like im living in a cave as i have everything shut down and did the laundry, got special foods, house is in perfect order to do this for the next 5 days but i dont want to feel it,miss my girlfriend who is working OT for the next few days because of the amount of work the company  has to do within a certain time period, The 1st time i did this or tried i didnt tell her the truth and after a few days i came clean and she supports me and  just wants to see me get better. I ate a 1/4 of a Suboxone then another 2 hrs later and it took some of the anxiety away but im still really sore and tired. No motivation.Just want to do this during the worst part of withdrawl whcih from previous experince lasts anywhere from 8 to 14 days with days 2, 3, and 4 being brutal and then it starts to decline and comes back for another few days off and on then i start having some ok days but i cant afford to do it CT strait thru because i have to go back to work and will have to have some more misery but hopefully not near as much on  a lighter degree when i do this right and i will do the same thing with the valium or Xanax when the time comes after a couple weeks at the most on the subs..  will tiem it for a weekend and can throw a sick day or 2 if i need to or i will jsut walk thru that part of the pain but there is no way i could walk thru this part unless i was physically restrained which would be torture and it has happend in the past going to jail for a drug deal gone bad 15 yrs ago and that was by far the lowest point in my life.I hope you stay positive thru the kick stage and go for it.You have a big advantage over alot of us just by the fact of your dosage and length of useage, youth, but it wil be far from a picnic, You know it as well as anyone because you have allready felt it. Your young ,smart and strong willed and motivated, you will overcome this bout, cant wait to hear how it goes,,Thanks...
Helpful - 0
781991 tn?1237964779
As you have come to realize already I see, this forum is full of people who have been or are going down the same exact road you are.  Of course the person who originally sold you the pills never said anything.  All pill sellers care about is the money.  If they said right away "by the way, if you abuse these for a certain period of time, you will become addicted and go through bad withdrawls when you stop", then they would jeopardize selling anymore to you.  I have only met a couple pill dealers...most of what I bought off the street came from a "middle man" who knew a lot of people who sell pills...but the couple I met were the same.  Lazy bums who just wanted to make money and would sell them for ridiculous prices...why?  Because they knew they could get it out of us.  Anyway, enough about the pill dealing losers.

I think it's great you saw the light after only 5 months.  I think if you stay strong and stay determined I really believe getting through the withdrawls can be pretty easy for you.  I remember when I first started experiencing withdrawls, I remember just toughing it out and making it through no problem.  For me, the worst of the withdrawls back then was the first day...around 24-26 hours after my last dose.  Then the second day was WAY BETTER.  So honestly, since you've only been taking them 5 months, I don't see why it wouldn't be around that same time frame for you.  It's also a plus that you tapered a little because that will subside the withdrawls even a little more.  After reading your posts back and forth to gold and how positive you seem to be, I have to believe you will do this.  It's a nice fresh breath of air to see someone who has only used 5 months come to the realization they had a problem.  That's so huge.  In fact, you're going to make a lot of us jealous, haha.  I wish I realized how bad I was after 5 months.

As far as your boyfriend...I don't know.  I think in the long run you'll decide to tell him anyway and I don't know him or yourself well enough to know whether or not telling him about all this is a good idea.  But, I am always the first person to say it is always best to tell the people closest to you.  Because if they are true friends, they will support you and support is one of the biggest things you could have right now.  So it's all up to you if you want to tell him right now.  If you are like how I was, I never told ANYBODY how bad my problem was until I cleaned up.  In fact I never really planned to tell anyone, but it just happened...once I was clean I wanted to share it with the world.  

Good luck.  Don't ever forget you have plenty of support right here.  We will always be here for you no matter what.  If you want more advice and support, feel free to post again.  If you have any other questions, feel free to message me.  It's great you already plan to help others in your situation, that's such a great and positive attitude.  Just another reason I feel confident you will do this.  Take care.

Barry
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