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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Im trying really hard...but not hard enough

So I've been reading the posts here and I can relate. I've addicted to pain meds. Hydro 10 and I've been taking up to 10 a day. I can finish a prescription of 90 within a week. I'm so tired of taking these. I want to quit but I've tried several times and to no avail. I've so tired and I want to live a normal life. I'm a single mother of 4. I work full-time and I'm currently in school to get my nursing degree. I'm not in nursing school to get closer to meds. I love helping ppl and thats what I do. I'm a home health nurse and I love my job. Weird how I can help others but I can't seem to help myself. My husband passed a few years ago,...........yes he passed of a drug overdose of pain meds. I don't want to end up like him, but I cant stop. It;s like I can be social and do all the things I need to do when I'm under some type of pain meds. But the problem starts when I run out, I get really depressed and sad and I can't seem to get over it I look around and see ppl laughing and enjoying life and I get really sad becuz I cant seem to get to that point in life without the meds. I want to stop taking them. I took my last loritab 7.5 about an hour ago. And Im so scared of going through the WD's. But I'm going to really try because I want my life back , I want to do all the things I can do with my children. I want to finish school and be successful as a person, as a human being without having to take another med. If anyone out there can give me some advice , pls do so......I'm going to do this , I don't have another choice. I want to live life without any pain meds.
24 Responses
Avatar universal
I am going threw the same problems. I plan on my next prescription to begin the tapering process where you take less & less each day that way when you run out wd symptoms won't be as painful & awful. I want to quit so bad too. I have never felt lower or more worthless. Taking pain medicine has caused me severe anxiety & depression I wouldn't ever wish it on anything. Your a strong women. We can do this!
7282682 tn?1397237735
You both have come to the right place. You will get a lot of support here. I was taking 7/8 hydro's for last 18 years and today I have 30 days clean. While its not been easy solo worth it. My point is I'm nothing special and if I can do it so can you. I'm just determined and I hear that in both of you. Keep posting and ppl will be along shortly with specific ways to do it.
Avatar universal
You can do it!!! Stop now! You will for sure regret later! I started using pills then turned to h.. I'm scared for my life! Withdrawals are so much more worse than anything I have ever done. I started on methadone on Monday and I am not going back to the clinic! Just another drug to become dependant on.. I know it's hard losing a loved one. I lost my brother to od in 2009 which seemed to make my substance abuse even worse. Try to find why you started using in the first place and work on healing yourself..seek counsling! You are obviously very intelligent going to school to become a nurse!!! I once had a 4.0 in substance abuse and psychology and middle of addiction .8 . Remember withdrawals arent forever and they are the body's way of healing itself! Let the toxins out and start to enjoy your life again!!
Avatar universal
I am on day 2 of being clean of hydro 10 taking almost 20 a day and after reading MANY MANY MANY posts I found that taking Baclofen a few times throughout the day has eliminated most of the WD symptoms along with immodium 2×. We can do this
480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!  I agree that you've come to the right place!  It's great that you want to free yourself from the chains of the pills.  Addiction is most definitely a progressive disease.  The longer you use, the harder it is to stop, to manage the addiction, and the better the chances that your addiction will have a bad outcome.  Especially having lost someone so close to you to addiction, it should be very very clear to you that this really is a battle for your life, in more ways than one.  I'm sorry for your loss, btw.

You say a lot that you "can't" stop, have you tried to get clean before, other than just trying to get through w/ds until your next script?  If so, how did you try to get clean?  What did you do?  How long were you clean?

Most addicts fear the w/ds the most, so that's where their focus and preoccupation lies.  Unfortunately, GETTING clean is often the easier part compared to STAYING clean.  For you though, if you've never really made a concerted effort to GET clean, that's going to be your starting place.  We will help you through.  Of course w/ds are not fun, and there's no magical way to avoid them.  There ARE some things you can do to reduce the severity of symptoms.  There is the physical and mental aspect of w/ds.

Also, I wanted to add that it's going to be vital for you to get your addiction managed before you finish your schooling.  While I understand that you're seeking out a nursing career for all of the right reasons, I cannot stress enough how RAMPANT addiction is in the medical field, especially among nurses.  It's a HUGE problem and being around narcotics will place your sobriety at risk, which is why it's so important to do a lot of work on this before that point.

If you could kind of fill us in on a bit of your history and let us know if you've made attempts before and how it's gone, that would be great.  We're all here for you...hang in there!
Avatar universal
I have been very reluctant to post this comment before now, but I think that now may be the time.  Overdue, all of us have been overdue so many times and we can Definitely relate but here is the comment: countless numbers of our brothers and sisters come through this website posting about being sick and tired for the last time, out of pills, and "I'm gonna do it this time" attitudes - then they disappear, back their next "one more time" or worse. It is the nature of our addictions and I understand that but you need to commit to yourself, to a sponsor for the sake of your own life and the lives of your kids that there will absolutely not be "one more time." Do it! You can! The regret of not doing it is much worse than the withdrawals. Take it from me, there is Nothing worse than being completely unable to change the pain, misery, and damage you have caused to yourself and those you love in the past. God Bless.
Avatar universal
By the way, please also know that we have all been through the cycles. We know how difficult it is to quit. Despite my previous post (which may have come across as judgemental) please keep in mind that you are in the company of like minded people here who have been in your shoes. You are Always welcome back. No matter how many times you relapse, if not me personally, somebody here has got you beat - guaranteed!
Avatar universal
I'm hooked on norco    I take  8  ah day  4 at a time    Can   Norco kill a person ?     Plus I  get 120 ultram a month   When run out of norco  I take ultram       So don't go threw withdraw      Its insane
Avatar universal
I'm hooked on norco    I take  8  ah day  4 at a time    Can   Norco kill a person ?     Plus I  get 120 ultram a month   When run out of norco  I take ultram       So don't go threw withdraw      Its insane   O yaw I smoke crack to an the pain meds   Use to it would kill the pain the crack was causing  now they don't help
Avatar universal
Sorry guys! I failed.......I've been taking one loritab 7.5 twice a day....I wanted to quit " cold turkey" but I couldn't. However, I now for sure don't have any....There's not anymore one here and one there, I have completely ran out. And I am going to leave it at that. I have poured whatever energy I have into my kids and schooling. I didn't feel like doing anything today, I usually don't do anything if I don't have a pill. However, today I forced myself out of bed and went to my child's awards day. She had begged me to go and I of course made up an excuse , " I cant today, I'm so tired baby , it's the only day I have no classes" ....I took her to school ......when I got home , I waited until it was time for her awards ceremony, and I went ...I forced myself to go ............and I enjoyed seeing her smile and her eyes light up when she saw me sitting in the audience.....I WILL NOT TAKE ANOTHER PILL AGAIN.... for myself but also for her ....and the others and for my older children who had to see their father , high on pills for so long...........These entire years , I kept saying to myself..........I am not like him ( my husband ) ....I don't get high...........I dont lose conscience.......I always know what i am doing......i am always alert............but taking pills isn't always about being high.......or wanting to feel high..........not for me anyways.............for me , it was about how to deal with the pain  , how to numb it all ..........how to keep going and not feeling any emotions......today I felt emotions both good and bad......good because I forced myself to get out of bed and support my child......and bad because I didnt have the pills................however, Im done with PILLS , I am DONE...THanks guys , please continue , this is so much help for me , im crying now as i post this because i am not alone.....thanks
7604172 tn?1445632194
That surge of painful emotional realization has been something that has hit me recently. When I read your story, I got chills and I wanted to cry. We are so used to numbing it all that these things feel incredibly overwhelming. The anxiety in your chest, emotions about he past and all we've done to hurt ourselves and others, our desire to be something better, it all comes rushing in and it's downright powerful.

The physical pain returns too. Withdrawal is painful both emotionally and physically, and therefore this is one of many reasons it's so hard to face.

I also have a daughter, and for years, I would make up excuses about why I couldn't do this or that with her. I am so thankful I don't do that anymore. I hold her at night and I just tell her how good she is, and how she's the best thing that ever happened to me, bc I don't want her to feel unloved like I did. Feeling rejected and unloved can make a person look outward for their rewards and pleasure in life. I provide structure, I make sure she has skills such as playing her instrument, being in the chess and the science club, and I help her do her projects and homework. My mother never did any of those things, but I think they are key so a kid can feel as if they are important.

I also chose to begin leading by example and it works! Ha who knew right. WE always tell our kids to do this or that, but do we always show them how to do right by doing right ourselves? Hell no! You can't tell a kid to take care of themselves, to take pride in themselves, and to treat others right if we aren't doing the same. I'm on a mission to get the most out of life and enjoy it's true rewards, which do not lie in a pill. I hope you will join me!

My heart goes out to you, and I am right here with you. We can be something more. We can beat this. I would say, don't always do everything for everyone else. I mean, find something you can do for yourself in order that you can experience happiness and satisfaction in your own mind and heart. It can't always be just for everyone else you know.

My thing is school and exercise. I have made so many friends and built my self confidence so much, that I have distanced myself from the woman I used to be. I look back at her and I am so thankful I am no longer in that place. I'm still not there yet, but I know i can get there. i know you can too

I wish you the best.
1416133 tn?1351123217
Don't beat yourself up over all of that, because look at how you're thinking right now?  It was a lesson learned, a lot of us go through it, and if we're lucky we learn something from it.  The pills aren't going to solve anything.  They always make any situation, good or bad, worse.  Life is hell of a lot easier to deal with when you actually KNOW what you're doing and have a clear head to make sound decisions.  Because  regret *****.

And I have to say, you remind of me during those early days.  The first time you force yourself to do something you think you won't be able to handle without the pills, and you get to thoroughly enjoy the moment because you are present for it.  Huge step.. when you start to think "maybe I CAN do this".. because you are!

Keep going :) (and btw, the fact that you have come to the realization of why you are abusing the meds in the first place is huge. It's a great first step).
913054 tn?1242955793
I'm 68 and have been an alcoholic/addict all my life.  I was fed alcohol as a baby and I loved it(from what I was told).  Was fired from a job at age 12 due to getting drunk on the job.  I can relate to everything you all say and then some. I've been in 5 Rehabs, took as many as 25-30 pills a day.  It is only by the Grace of God that I am alive. Losing my precious sons and their families was probably the catlyst that convinced me that I had to stop the insane way of living.  The next thing was (if I might say the name of this book, if not, take it out), reading The Addictive Personality.  I found out that I did NOT choose to be an addict.  Being fed alcohol as a baby did not cause me to be one, the propensity to be an addict only began a little early than most addicts. This book has taken so much of the guilt, shame and lack of self worth away from me and now that I am not so burdened about why I did those horrible things, has allowed me to focus on getting cleaner and better!  We are not hopeless slobs, gutter people, so self centered and selfish that we do not care what we do to others....we have a disease, just as something medical.  Well, do we use that as another excuse to stay in the mud hole, absoutely not!  Finally, I have been clean from alcohol now for 10 years, free of a 20 year barbituate habit for 15 months now.  I am getting clean from Ativan, and Norco.  I may never be able to get off the Norco, but I can take it as the Dr orders!!  I have taken the entire months worth of Ativan and Norco in a week and suffered the rest of the month, unless I Dr shopped and got some more.  I've stopped that too.  Getting back my family and my self esteem, still have a ways to go, but at least it's going!!!  I would strongly advise reading this book I mentioned.  If I had the money, I would buy copies and give them out, but I can't.  I purchased mine on Amazon for about $3 and have read it numerous times.  God Bless and don't be so hard on yourself, you can be the person you want to be....just trust in God and I go to Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ centered program, and it has made all the difference as well.
Avatar universal
Congrats Overdue and welcome back! That awards ceremony is something you could not make up to her had you not made the effort,  Victory # 1 !!!
Avatar universal
OMG I'm going on day 2 ,with no pills..........I am taking this one day at a time...I had to take Imodium.....for reasons known.......lol.........I also found L-tyrosine........OMG this works wonders.......I read it on one of the forums her and I went out and got some to day and it helped me tremendously with the WD's.......thanks guys GBY
Avatar universal
Thank you Yesidid..........Your posts have helped me to continue this battle and I am so happy I am finally doing this...........
Avatar universal
Thank You Mtaylor123, yes the wd's are horrible.......I started Imodium earlier today. I also started L-tyrosine and found that it works well for the depression. Today was the first day I attended my psychology class , "with out pain meds".....this tyrosine works wonders....I will keep ya'll posted ..GBY
Avatar universal
We've got to change your name to due!!! I am So happy for you and your kids and all of your future patients and people (like me) who will be inspired by you. You have changed the course of many lives by making this decision. Please keep posting. God Bless.
Avatar universal
Hi ya''ll .........I am on day 3 clean! That's exciting for me ....I know I have a way to go but Im prepared this time and well on my way. Thanks Yall ! GB
Avatar universal
Thanks WIllow....I was relived to read your message. It is full of encouraging words of wisdom. I am so sorry you were forced at such a young age to drink alcohol but I was relieved to hear you are sober and doing much better. God Bless You . ...
7671414 tn?1395660495
So,how are u doing??It has been a couple days since u posted.
Avatar universal
HI there, checking in!! How are you doing on this fine Friday? I haven't posted on your thread, but I've been watching and keeping up, sending strength and love your way!
Avatar universal
Day 4? It's going to start getting better!
Avatar universal
Thanks Spike ! I am doing great ! .....I seem to have gotten through the first week, and I feel it's an ongoing battle, but I'm better prepared and taking it one day @ a time. The thing is ...........I am full of energy and I can get out of bed with excitement. I am happy...Weird....because I haven't been able to feel this what in ages ,mainly because I always relied on the meds to give me the false tense. Anyhow , I'm taking my kids skating tomorrow, and to the movies on Sunday.....wow, I haven't had this much energy in like forever. LOL.....L-tyrosine works wonders! Anyhow , I 'll keep you guys posted. God Bless !
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