In for a rough day, I think

[Pat1956100]

I took my last 2 percs 48 hours ago.  Yup if you have them you will take them.  I have never been able to flush.  They are way too expensive.  I still haven't even paid for them yet so I couldn't flush them.
I did a quick taper so I guess I am officially starting day 3.  I know my tracker says day 2 but my body says day 3.
I will not call for any more percs.  
I will not be a stupid jerk.
I will not ever do this again.
because I like this new Pat I am.

I still am feeling so strong about this and so happy.  I spoke with all my family yesterday because they called for my birthday and it just made me feel so strong.  We talked about my future, selling my house and moving and I have all their support.  It just felt so good to be clean.  Everyone said how GOOD I sounded.
Just need to get through this and get my energy back.  So much to do.

[LeaAnn807]

I just started laughing so hard!  "mama of 4410?" You make octomom look WEAK! LOL I know it's the screenname they probably gave you when you came and means 4, but it just gave me a laugh!  

Pat, you're having a better day you think?

[mamaof4410]

Use that as your motivation. Remember how lost you felt. It gets you through the toughest days...Trust me. Best of luck to you

[Pat1956100]

Thanks sweety
I am trying as hard as I have tried anything.
I don't ever want to turn back or fall back into the hole.
Thanks for your support.

[mamaof4410]

Good for you Pat! We all are here to support you! Keep your head up and keep posting! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

[Dane74]

Pat the house can wait, your health can not.  First and for most take care of you first, then slowly take on each task that you may have. Your number one priarity  should be YOU!!!!!  You are doing great Pat i am so freaking proud of you my friend!!!! Hugs xo

[Pat1956100]

Very true LeaAnn, I just have a lot of things and people pressuring me to sell my house right now so I have to worry about that.  It's my fault I should have done this sooner instead of waiting until things got this bad.

[LeaAnn807]

Yaaaay! You did great! : )  I'm so proud of you.  Just don't forget how badly you want to stay clean, and keep that going.  You definitely have to make your new clean life a priority.  Not just "a" priority......THE priority.  It's too much to worry with everything in our lives while we detox.  Just worry with getting and staying clean now, and do whatever needs to be done to achieve that!  Once you have done that then you can start dealing with one thing at a time!  

Remember......one day (or minute) at a time!  One problem at a time.  Right now, your problem is getting clean.  To heck with the rest! (for now!)

[conhall]

and remember baby steps Please dont over load yourself with a Huge to do list  I Know getting a house ready to sell is a huge JOB One step at a time Bkitty said the same Slow down you #1 priority has to be getting clean and sober first off.
Get healthy make positive changes to your life each day Pick a small task a chore around the house and complete it. Set yourself up for success

[Pat1956100]

Thanks Sara,
I felt very proud of myself.

[conhall]

I Just sat here and read thru all the advice you have bben given Pat and this forum is amazing place. You are one of the  reasons for this You helped talk to me when i was going thru my Physical WD and I know you can do this lady.
I am proud of you for telling connection NO and You said he wont call back Thats great . Someone gave you a suggestion about changing your phone # Very Good advice I Hope you do it my friend. There are 3 things that I feel are very important to staying clean #1 Eliminate Pill source Its a MUST #2 Be honest with your friend and Loved ones get support  spill your guts tell them you are an addict and need help #3 AFTERCARE- I Go to group meetings tried other things wasnt a fit But my group meetings are with 4 of us and w/o this important step I am not sure I would be be clean .

[dominosarah]

Way to go girl!!!!  Proud of you~

[Pat1956100]

You aren't harsh at all.  I am trying to keep an open mind and do everything I can to stay clean. I have had 5 years of hell and a wasted life and I have a lot of relationships to repair.
Yesterday was such an amazing feeling when my son and sisters called. I want that back and I want to be a part of my family again.
I don't have a cell phone only a land line and I can't change my number.
I would love to stop the damn collectors from callings.
He won't call again.  
I feel very safe.

[Dane74]

First off i want to say that i am very proud of you for listening to all of us and absorbing all the information that you are receiving.  I just love the fact that you are open to go to rehab, that is a major step in the right direction.  It's time Pat for you to take charge of your life and tomorrow is they day that you make calls and inquire about all of this, put as much effort into your sobriety that you did for your DOC and you will be amazed.  Also, please change your number!!!! Way too many people (bad people) have it and one day you will be weak and you will receive a call and then what?  I am not being harsh or snotty here Pat, i just want to see you succeed and i know you want it, and you are almost there.  I remember so vividly when i was in your shoes 6 months ago, and i know how scared i was, and everyone kept pushing me, like we are doing for you, and PAt i am forever thankful for that push, i would never be were i am today without my friends on here.

[Pat1956100]

Okay, I'm going to phone him back and tell him I am clean and don't want him to phone anymore.

I did it.  I told him I was clean and staying clean.  He said "Atta Girl" and okay I won't bug you anymore.
Another one off the list.

[Pat1956100]

Thanks sweety, I want it badly.

[ImDONENoMore]

The first "no" is always the hardest... just do it, pat, f him... he couldn't care less if you're well, he only cares how much money you have in your pocket.. . walk away from this pat, this is BAD for you... move on............... you're better than this but YOU  have to believe that first for it to matter.. just DO it and say NO.  Oh, and then block that no...

[Sonrissa]

Simply unbelievable! I'm glad you stayed strong! I feel ashamed to say I doubt I would have! You will get through this Pat! Your strength is amazing!

[Pat1956100]

OMG, a dealer just called.  He hasn't called in weeks.  Why now?
I was a coward and didn't answer the phone and tell him I'm done.  He left a message and I haven't checked it but I will now.
Okay all he said was give me a shout if you want, meaning if I want percs. He won't harass me.  He always calls me first when he gets them because they are hard to get.  He will have no trouble selling them elsewhere or so he always said.
It didn't even produce cravings. Just scared me a little.  It felt intrusive.
I just want to be left alone.

[dominosarah]

If you dont have the time to be sick Pat, make the time to be well.....

[Pat1956100]

I will call tomorrow.

[ImDONENoMore]

Believe me pat, I totally get what you're talking about.  When my Mom was sick, in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and other issues, all everyone could talk about was how great is SHE for handling all of this so well.. keeping family informed... staying on top of her Mom's care... staying connected and doing all the work for us!!  ... Oh believe me, I remember.  And if this were going on today, NO ONE would be talking about me like that, that's for sure.  They'd all be helping in every way possible and I would be admitting I needed that help.  But let's face it, my ego was fed during those days, thinking "wow, maybe I CAN handle all of this like they say I can".... only it was the drugs that kept me going, not ME.  I ran on them for as long as I could until they took me under.  So far under....

Find a rehab.  Make the call.  Schedule a date to check in.  And get ON with your life.  You deserve happiness.  Whether you believe that or not right now, you do.  So take that time to find out for yourself, okay?

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh bama, so great that you mentioned our control issues.  So important to recognize that aspect of addiction.  So so important!

[Pat1956100]

Yeah I get it.  I was amazing in crisis mode when my husband got sick and was in the hospital.  Everyone said they wanted me to be the one to look after them if they ever got sick.  They said how strong I was.  Pfffft.
Now I can barely make a decision.
I have to get my head right.  It just spins when I have to make a decision.

[bama88]

We all have issues. And hurts and anger. And when were self medicating away our feelings were covering up these issues. And when were done self medicating ourselves those hurts and angers come out.

Its my observation all addicts are running away from something negative. And we have to stop running. But how?? That's the 64,000 dollar question we can't answer on our own that's why we need aftercare. We need help being shown the right way.

Were also control freaks. And we let ourselves get completely out of control. And we know deep down inside we need our control back. Rehab counselling meetings will show you the way. I promise.and the best thing is they are tried and true.

And they let us know were not alone.