Oh yea, I remember those times when the pills were my best friend/lover ---- Of course, as any long term addict then learns --- your best friend turns on you --- you spend more and more time with them - and more and more money --- soon you forget about the less important ones in your life - like your family and friends. Your personality changes and they wonder what happened to the person they remember. You begin a vicious cycle to achieve those same feelings you and your lover enjoyed at the beginning of your relationship only to be disappointed and frustrated into taking even more of the drug. The lucky ones will wake up and realize just how far they have come and make an attempt to get back - some will make it- others will continue down the road to death --- that is the final 'High'. Hope you can get out without going through all I have described. All the best.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I am 72 days clean today from a terrible vicodin habit and I still have "loving" thoughts about those times when I would go to the pharmacy and pick up a full bottle of pills, about how good that would make me feel. Then I stop myself from thinking that way and remember, also, all of the terrible things that I did for pills and all of the consequenses that I still deal with today. That snaps me out of it, but quick. But your right, it is a feeling of "love".
I felt "married" to the oxys for 10 years and now feel like I am in the worst divorce of my life. Never been married or felt in love for a very long time and I long for that get excited feeling at the pharmacy too. Except, that pharmacy now fills my subs and it makes me feel like cr*p. When I go to see my doctor that prescribed the oxys to me all these years, I get a sense of excitement thinking I am scoring another months worth only to realize on my way home that I left with nothing but a pat on the back and a "good luck", call me if you need me". I crave that high me and my hubby experienced the first few years until I get the credit card statement and creditors calling me for their money. Yes, I bought more off the street b/c of tolerance. I am a chronic pain patient and never sought the correct avenue to rid my physical pain. So, me and this divorce is hard b/c the divorce still holds physical as well as emotional pain. I feel just as you do. You are not alone with this. I would isolate myself with my lover oxy and boy did oxy provide love to me. Not now, I hate him, but do miss him. I cry for him every morning in the shower b/c I am heading to divorce court again to divorce the subs. Just one bad relationship to another. All I really long for is a human touch, hug, kiss like the oxys did. I am just too damn depressed now to search for a new lover whose heart beats and will love me back w/o making me dope sick. You are NOT ALONE!!!
As stated above, of course in the beginning, and the middle that love affair is exciting, exhilirating, and unconditional. Once it has hold of you, it becomes your worst enemy....but behind your back. On the surface it wants you to believe its your best friend, lover, companion. It ***** the life out of you. It takes away your family, friends, money, pride, dignity, job, home, and most important....your self worth. It begins dragging you around,like a ball and chain. You do whatever it tells you for the sake of not getting sick. You don't get the high anymore, no fuzzy feelings, no escape from life. Now with every pill you pull one more shovel full of dirt out of the hole you begin to live in. Eventually, you fit deep into the hole, you are so deep you see no light. Nothing to guide you but 'your friend, lover'. The last thing it will do for you, is come behind you and push all the dirt back in the hole you live in...... Then, it moves on to someone else, like you never even existed.
Do I miss that? No way
great post. you are so right. end the end robs you everything...and you hate it.
Ouch..I can feel the pain you experienced..and now so strong and inspiring thanks...I've had lots of distructive relationships ..but non more so than this..
You also grieve the loss of your DOC.....like a death of a loved one or a good friend. IMO, nothing but nothing is good about taking this stuff OR stopping it.
hahaha your post just made me laugh. I soooo remember the feeling i got when going to the pharmacy. lol. I remember holding my bottle of pills and just looking at them thinking about how much i loved them and how happy i was to be holding the whole bottle-completely full! lololol what an idiot i was. haha. The day before i quit, i even told someone how hard it is going to be due the fact that i think i'm in love with my pill bottle!
SO true, pbear....SO true!
All great posts. I'm sure all of us have felt in "love" with our DOC, but I've never seen anyone write about it before. Thanks for all the inspiration!!!
I know exactly what you all are talking about. I remeber thinking, after walking out of the pharmacy, heart racing with exhiliration and trying to hide the smile on my face, that I could never be happier than this. Wow...that was sad to write. I actually beleived that having that full bottle was making me happy. Even though each day I lost a little bit more of my self worth. I died a little more inside each refill, even though I wore that big smile. Huh...I still have that "euphoric recall" often. Seems I have a hard time remembering the bad parts...I have to work to find them in my head, but the good times flood through my mind without me even trying. This addiction is such a cunning enemy and has its ways and means to try to get us back.
I was soooo in love with my happy pills!! I remember how happy I felt leaving the pharmacy with a brand spanking new scrip, but these days I remember more the crushing feeling I felt when the pharmacy told me it was too soon to fill my refill and counting out the pills to see how many I had left and there was no way I was going to ration them out to make it 5 more days. That was one of the worst feelings in the world - this sinking feeling like the earth is swallowing you up.
