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Is it withdrawl? Shaking, Headache, nervousness

Hi,
I am having a rough time lately.  I was hooked on Hydrocodone for about a year, 30-40 mgs a day.  I haven't had a pill in about a month, but lately I have been having excruciating headaches on the top/center of my head.  They've been here for about a month and WON'T GO AWAY.  I don't think it's migraines either.  These things just don't go away.  Today I noticed my hands were shaking.  I have been having anxiety attacks for the past three days as well.  I got the drugs anyway I could, do you think I could have caused brain damage to myself?  Or a neurological disorder?  Is this normal for the first few months?  I had a CT Scan of my head and it revealed nothing.  Neurologist can't find anything either.  I just don't feel right you know?  I have fear of death everyday, I can't do anything except worry about it.  Is it Parkinson's disease coming on?  Help me please?  Anybody ever go through this?  I can hardly type right now I'm so worked up.  Does anybody know anything at all?  Thanks and God Bless
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Avatar universal
Thank you sweetie, your words are very kind! :)
I'm overloaded lately with keeping up with my three childrens' demand!  They never seem to be happy or satisfied with anything.  My husband is returning home next week, and he is making me so nervous the way he is giving me the third degree about my usage!  He's afraid for me, and afraid for himself, i know! :(
I'm gonna beat this thing!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
First J.B.,I didn't know your wife was ill. I'll call her by name in my prayers.How have you been feeling? What I've been going through is small potatoes to your needs. You are indeed a good person to of concerned yourself with my health with yours and your wifes problems. God bless you both.
Now Jennyfla. My friend, when I read what your going through I admire your courage to share it all here. But please,don't thnk God wants you to wait untill your worthy to go to church. He wants you just as you are hon. The people in church are not worthy. Just forgiven. You don't have to be in church for that.God knows your heart. From what I can tell, it's a good and kind heart in need.We all have our demons hon. You may find more strength by going to church.I do.I was in such pain today but I made myself go to church. I enjoyed it so much. But if we all wait untill we're worthy to go , the church would be empty. You can be assured that God knows you love Him. Don't think of yourself as being unworthy. I have a disease Jen that God alone can cure. You too have an illness Jen. You don't want to be an addict. We all know that. You alone with God can be healed and I know you will be. Go in that church Jen and hold your head up high. Your going to make it girlfriend. Your in my prayers.
   God Bless,
       Kerrie

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Avatar universal
Wren, I have gone to the chat room and you were not there. I don't know what time it was that you posted but I hope everything is okay. I'm praying for youdear.
J.B., my brother, my heart goes out to you and Marty. I have seen a few posts in the past asking about her but never knew the story. She must be a very strong lady and I hope and pray all goes well for you both. My family is just now starting to goe through this with my mother-in-law who is getting ready to start her radiation treatments for the first time. It is such a drain on the body and spirit of everyone involved. I will include Marty and yourself in my prayers for my mother-in-law. God Bless you and your family.

Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light onus all,
Wiz
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Avatar universal
......THis is sooo unbelievable.  Marty still works..with all she's going through.  Ya know....they say when you stop, and give up, that's when its all over, but she just keeps going.  I think thats wonderful, although I know its tough.  
JB... You, too have sooo much on your plate, I don't know how you two hold it together.  Just really unbelievable.  SO your medication is not working.  What can be done, if anything about that.....???  What does the doctor say?  Keep us posted, we do care, ya know.  Sometimes it helps to vent a little......I'm sure you've heard that a million and one times...LOL  So good to hear from you..... I'm doing ok.  
Love, and a best wishes
angelica
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Avatar universal
Hugs and prayers JB, for you and Marty both!!!!
You are a wonderful person, and i can tell that Marty is a pretty special lady too!!!!
Good luck to you both!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
Marty has been a real sparkplug lately!  Her lung tumors have been growing but very slowly.  Her doctor wants to go back to the old traditional chemo, but that requires her to be in the hospital for a week per month for six months.  She's dead set against that!  She went throught that twice in the past.  Aside from that, she's in very good health and still working full time.

As for me, I'm having a bad time with my diabetes and will probably need to go on insulin soon.  I can't keep my blood sugar level down with the pills anymore.

It's good to hear from you again! Are you doing okay?  J.B.
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Avatar universal
please someone help me
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Avatar universal
I know just what you mean, when i am in withdrawal, everything starts to turn dark, it's when i am high that i feel 'normal'.  I can't wait for the day when the straight time turns back into my world of sunshine again, and the dark time belongs in the past, left behind with my pills of addiction.
My triggers would be withdrawals symptoms of course, but my worst time is when i get home from work, very much in withdrawals by that time, and my need to get everyone dinner, and keep up with the childrens' demands, i quickly run for 'the shelter of the mother's little helper, it gets me on my way, gets me through my busy day'.  Even worst, my husband is a very big trigger, but i am hoping, when he returns home, drug-free, that trigger will be gone.
We were both very uneasy when we first met eachother 20-years ago, and alcohol helped us ease into a less-stressful environment at the time... he was very insecure, and i was very shy.  We both loved alcohol, and our relationship seemed to be a good fit for both our addictions...  But, i am ready to have a relationship with my husband, drug and alcohol free.  I know our love for eachother will grow even deeper being out of our numb state of mind.  I love him very very much, and he does me too, so i feel confident with our love for eachother, and i hope that triggers will be long gone now!!!
It is good to understand your triggers, so that you will be ready to pull out the 'big guns' during those times of temptation!!!  Good luck sweetie!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
please someone help me
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Avatar universal
Hi Jenny,
How are things going for you today? I'm sending you positive energy, and lots of that "unconditional care"   :-)

These are indeed hard, hard times...
Among all the huge challenges is the sneaky self condemnation. I don't even realize I'm doing most of the time, and sometimes need to have it pointed out, and sometimes still I don't believe it.

Let's be gentle with ourselves along the way, and redirect the self hatred toward hatred of the addiction.

So far today I'm doing well. Two doses and I only took what I'm supposed to, but was way tempted. It is the nighttime that is my biggest trigger, that is when the temptation is hardest.
Do you have specific triggers?


WW
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Avatar universal
...jb jb jb jb.....how are you these days??  I think i read somewhere that Marty had those treatments.  I know this is a stupid question, but I'll ask anyway...... how is she?  Truly?  You listen to all of our problems.... ya know we are here for you too.  It's been a long time since you've unloaded.  So, I've noticed.  Look forward to hearing from you.
Love,
angelica
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Avatar universal
Thanks sweetie, and i know in my heart that is the rigth thing to do.
the hub is sounding a little more shaky today, and that his scaring me real bad!
This whole thing, all the way around, is going to take some doing!
Wish us luck!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
Ok, let me throw this past you guys... i've been screwing up royally since my husband left (well no worse, but no better).  I'm going to start my tapering on loracets only, getting down as far as i can without not being able to function.  I have to be able to function.  I will have already begun my tapering before my husband comes home.  I am hoping to get down very very low by the time he comes home, but i don't expect to be off fully.  I don't know whether to tell him or not, or just let him know i'm having withdrawals, and keep it at that, and just try to get through it best i can.  It's pitiful, but i need him here to be able to do this completely.  I can't explain it, and i know that i am risking creating a relaspe for him, and that's the last thing i want to do.  I feel so selfish for being like this, i can't explain it even to myself.  I WILL NOT BE THE CAUSE OF HIS RELAPSE!  He will die if he starts using and drinking again, there's no question.
I just feel like i need him here in order to stop completely, i feel so lost and alone right now.  I will go to meetings right away with him, i already found a babysitter.
He is being so strong, and he is so in reality right now, it's really giving me encouragement.  Please don't yell at me, i know i'd me yelling at me if i were you guys!  
I just need his support right now, and i will support him with every bit that i've got to give.
His mind is so awake right now, i'm not used to him talking so quickly.  I feel so lost and sick left behind to fend for myself.
Am i being pitiful or what?  I'm so weak i can't believe i haven't been able to beat this thing yet!
I will though, i really will, and i will focus on myself, he needs to focus on himself once he gets home.  I almost feel like running away so i don't ruin his recovery.
Now i'm feeling he's too good for me, he will be well, and i'm still sick.  Maybe it's too late to be thinking so much, it's just been so very very hard trying to accomplish this while left holding the fort together, trying to work, and taking kids with me, and making sure they are ok, and feeding them on such little money, etc. etc.  I need to find some strength quick!
I hear what you all are saying about my being so supportive on this board.  It's very easy to say the things needed to help you all out, but actually doing it is another story.  That's why i feel so deeply about all of the pain you guys are experiencing.  I'm already very emotional, and full of pain, what is going to happen when the numbing stops.  Will i fall apart completely, will i still be able to work.  Will i loose my job?  I afraid that it will get out of control and i won't be able to handle things anymore.  The rug will get pulled out from under me and i'm going to just fall apart!  Everyone always wondered how i could live like this and still function, well i had a deep dark secret that's why.  I'm not so strong, i'm not so couragous, i shouldn't be getting credit for anything, i've been copping out!!!
I NEED him to lean on alittle bit, i don't want to ruin what's he's accomplished, but i can't help it, i need him.  We are both very co-dependent on eachother, but we also love eachother very very very much!!!  I see that now more than ever!
I just want to 'remove' myself from everything for a little while, wish i could go into a detox for 1 week and just be able to let someone else handle it for awhile... but that's not possible!  I WILL DO THIS, I MUST DO THIS, I'M GONNA DO THIS!!!!
If i drop my dosage 5 mg at a time, maybe 5 mg per week or so, how long will it take.  Starting at say 20 mg.  how long will it take to start feeling normal again?
Thank you for listening, i'm just a mess!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
One thing i plan to do is to go back to church when i get off of these dam pills... i'm going to go with my two oldest children, and my husband can stay home with the baby if he wants to, or go with me, that would be great.
Our church is just around the corner, and the father there is so wonderful!!!  Plus, i know some people (from my kids' schools), and i would love to become closer to people who are spiritual and well!
I know i should go now, but i feel unworthy!  Once i clean up, i can hold my head high with pride, not high with being high!
:)
Jenny
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Avatar universal
Hi Jenny,
Since you asked for direct feedback, I'll tell you what I think, and don't worry, I won't yell at you ;-)

I'm saying this to you as a fellow addict, not as a shrink, though this is my personal as well as professional opinion.

I think that in this situation, being honest with your husband about the fact that you are tapering is the way to go. Holding it secret gives your addiction an edge over your recovery. I think that hiding it will keep you stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame, as well as making it easier to continue using.
That is my two cents.  But..I want to ask you...did you ask yourself the question "Does hiding it from him support my addiction or does it support my recovery"? Listen to your gut reaction to that question.
Your husband is responsible for maintaining his own recovery no matter what the outside circumstances are, as you are of creating your own. The truth is just one tool among many that will help you get there.

Also...why wait till you are clean before attending church? That sounds like the shame and guilt running the show.  I think that at times like this, when we are brought to our knees by our own fallibility and vulnerability, is when we most need the spiritual support of church, or of whatever spiritual community we have.  If we wait till we are "perfect" in whatever way, we give ourselves the message that love is conditional, that in effect, we have to earn what we so desperately need. It is precisely when we are at our lowest point that we need to let spiritual love in. Then, that light can get deep inside and help heal the pain that drives the addiction.

love,
WW
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for your comforting words, and i'm glad, through all this madness, that i've helped a bit in your pain you've been experiencing!
I sent my husband a 'love' card, and he told me tonight, that i'm getting mushy in my old age.  I want to have a wonderful, healthy life together with him.  I'm getting closer, i can feel it.  I will begin my taper, like i did while visiting family first week of June.  That was bearable, and i think by the time i returned home, i was about ready to drop a dose.  I think i can handle everything this way, and also be able to stop for good.  I just can't do the cold turkey thing.  But i have to be very strong in order to have self control.  I will push myself to get out of bed in the morning, push to get to work, push to get the kids off and on their way, and most of all, push for a healthy new lifestyle!
I was happy once before without drugs, and i know i can have that again.  These drugs cause too many ups and downs, although i've pretty much been able to take as much as i wanted to avoid that, but i never do.  I make myself wait until noon time before i take anything.  I don't want to make it too easy on myself, so i've always let myself suffer a little.  I don't know if that's courage, or just stupidity, or what i should call it.  Maybe just a little sense of security knowing that i haven't let myself get into a wake up, pop a pill phase, never have.  But i feel like **** in the morning, almost out of my head.  I feel like the world is spinning around me at times, and i can't keep up.
Really bad news tonight...  My younger sister called tonight and her husband is drinking again, real bad.  He had been seeing a therapists, but has never gone to a detox or a rehab.  I knew back then because he didn't have a program, that he would slip again, and it's happened.  He walked out on his job today, and drank himself into a state where he came home, and she thinks he dunked his head in the toilet bowl!  My sister and he have a 10-month old baby, and they were getting ready to close on a house they are going to have built.  She won't tell my parents what's going on (she lives 5-miles from them).  They are going to see his therapists tomorrow, and he suggested detox.  I suggested a 28-day program, he must have a program.  Her insurance won't pay for anything other than the detox.  He has some well off siblings, so i suggested to her that she tell them what's going on.  She is about ready to throw him out, but doesn't think she has it in her.  She can put the closing aside for now, good, and will talk to the therapists in more detail tomorrow.  I told her do whatever you have to to get him into rehab.  Then, if he fails after that, it's up to her on what she wants to do.  A person can only take so much.  I told her to make it clear to him that if he messes up once more, he's out!!!!  She said, but what will her son do without a father.  Her son doesn't need a father who can't control his drinking, he would be better off.  She is so scared and it tore me up to feel her pain... but i will stick by her through all of this.  
I can take things happening to me, but not my sweet little sis, this really hurts!!!!!!
BTW, my brother-in-law was severly abused as a child by his father.  All his sibling were sexual abused by him, boys girls it didn't matter.  He has so much pain inside and anger, he needs a lot of help learning how to deal with his anger inside and all his inner pain.
I will say a prayer for them tonight, and please, if you could add them to your prayers also, i would appreciate it so very much.  Their names are Amy and John and their baby is Jonathan!
Thanks guys!
Lv Jenny
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Avatar universal
You remind me so much of myself. You are so caring about everyone else and that's how we are able to not think about ourselves and what we need because we don't really want to see whats there. I really feel for you in your situation but now is the time for Jenny to do what's best for Jenny. I have one 6 year old daughter and I couldn't bear to go inpatient so I went to intensive outpatient therapy. I weaned down off of the drugs with the help of my husband who held them for me. (I know that part is not an option for you.) I did go through withdrawls at home but we had someone from his or my family take care of my daugter on a daily basis until I got better. Yes, we had to let my family know but guess what--they were already suspicious. You know--it's the secret that everybody knows but you. I had no idea that it was so obvious. I thought it made me happier, more social etc., etc. After you do what you need to for you will be so happy--and probably wished you had done it sooner. Remember once everybody knows it will be easier for you to know you can't slip now--people will be watching.LOL. Seriously, please take care of you--the world (and us at this board) couldn't manage without you.  
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Avatar universal
You have helped JB...the "stealing from yourself" concept is one that I will use to help me fight the temptation to take more than I am supposed to.

I've narrowed my struggle here into the following phrase:

What constitutes "recovery" for an addict who needs narcotics for chronic pain?

Everyone's posts, your included, are helping me formulate an answer here.  I'm lead to believe that in my current situation, recovery will be a state based on my motivation when I take my pills, being honest with myself about how much I need given the level of pain, and following my Doctor's instructions.
This is easier said than done I'm sure. And dang, I'm still kicking myself for abusing these meds...if I hadn't, I could take half of what I currently need to handle the pain.

I need to create a new relationship with the pain pills, at least until my pain decreases to a level where I can manage it without meds. IDET's (the procedure I had done) usually give 50% pain relief, sometimes more, and sometimes they fail. We'll see.

I really value you all. It helps so much to have a place where I can be honest without being condemned.

WW
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Avatar universal
You know, you ask some pretty good questions about pain meds. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you.  As time goes on, the tolerence builds and pretty soon you are self medicating instead of following Dr's orders.  I live in constant dread of upping my dose because I know there would be no end to it.

Out of respect for my physician, I have not asked for early refills.  I just tell him everything is fine during visits and let him call the shots.  My meds have been rewritten a few times, but it was his call.  I just answer the questions honestly.

Remember that using more than the perscribed amount is just stealing from yourself.  I'm guilty of doing this and have to pay by detoxing for several days until refill time comes.  Not pleasant at all!  Being on pain meds long term is not pleasant when you come right down to it.  It takes a lot of restraint and responsibilty for your intake.  If you are truly an addict, it can drive you crazy!  Sure, I could probably be on Oxy Contin right now but I would probably be dead, shortly.

I don't really think that I have helped you out much here, but at least it gave me an opportunity to get real with myself!  J.B.
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Avatar universal
Hi everyone,
Jenny I've been thinking about you and sending positive energy your way.  It is so strange..we've never met, but knowing you're struggle is helping me with mine.

I need some help here....

I need help with some guidelines for myself in taking the meds. I have a high degree of pain, when the meds wear off it is at 7 to 8, and the Doc says the surgery I had produces pain reduction at around 4 to 6 months post op. I had the surgery June 4, so am close to halfway to the healing point.

When I first started posting, I really thought I could bear the physical pain, and really wanted to be free of this addiction.
But now I am finding it very very hard to manage the pain, and don't think this is the right time to completely go off them.

So, how do I stay in integrity with myself here? How do I wrap my head around taking the meds also knowing that I am an addict?

Every time it is time to take them, I face the temptation to take one or two more than I am supposed to. Yesterday I did fine until my nighttime dose, when I took 4 instead of 2. ::thwap  

I am begining to understand how food addicts feel, when they obviously can't abstain from food.

help! Gods, I wish I didn't love the feeling. Why can't I be one of the people who hates the way opiates make them feel? I'm trying to stay honest here. I have had to delete two paragraphs that I started to write, that contained lies...I can't let myself lie to you guys. I need you too much.

WW
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Avatar universal
Jenny you listen hard to what J.B. has said. J.B. you are right on. It comes from inside deep in the heart for sure.
Jbear and Wildcat thanks for missing me! It's nice to feel wanted :-) I hope all is well for you both. There is so much to catch up on here. I really missed everyone too. I never quit thinking or praying for you all on the forum for sure.
Jenny, I'm back to you girl. You keep striving for that light and pay attention to my e-mails. God Bless you all and keep you.
Power & Magick 2 u all,
Peace & Light on us 4ever,
Wiz
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Avatar universal
I'm praying for you, Jenny!  I wish I had a magic wand that would give you what you need right now! Anxiety is a killer state of mind to be in and I'm actually glad you took something to ease your discomfort.  I'm talking to you as an addict and not as a book pounding recovering addict. Believe me, better days are coming soon!  I've asked all the questions that you are asking now, and all I can say is pray to God.  The answers will come from inside your soul when they are most needed. J.B.

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Avatar universal
.....You and Thomas were the first ones to respond to my post back in January.  You two coached me through some difficult decisions.  I am here for you too.  I'll check my email from time to time.... there is no rush, just email me when you have some spare time.  Hopefully, I can help.
Your Friend,
Angelica
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Avatar universal
I am feeling better now, of course, because i took a 1/2 a loracet.  I actually feel 'normal', and able to cope with everything again.
My question is, how long will i feel bad after stopping the medication?  When i'm in withdrawal, the whole world looks impossible to face, and i can't even do the simplist of tasks.  It might as well be pitch-black outside, because i don't see any sunshine while in w/d.  How long will it be before the sun comes back out, and i start to feel 'normal' without the pills?
I think my husband has reached that point, but i can't say for sure, so i wanted to run this by you guys!
Helps!
Lv Jenny
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