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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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15464710 tn?1442509011

It's been awhile

Hey all. I know I disappeared for awhile. I was doing good with NA and thought I got it down. I was clean for a bit then I would use again. That cycle continues to happen. Right now I am so not into NA or even wanting to hear about it. I understand it has helped so many people and I respect that and I'm so happy for the people it has helped. However I find that I did so much better getting off them before by myself than with NA. I need support and not just people telling me to pick up a book or go to a meeting or talk to my sponsor. I was sexually assaulted recently and that spiraled me back into the addiction. Within the next few days I am going to be going through withdrawal again and once again going to stop. I got books to read. Games to play. Finding lots of positive distractions. I know each time I've come off these it's been worse than the last and I know I went higher than I had wanted to. It's going to be hell for a bit. I don't really know what I'm looking for. I just know that when I was talking to people on here and trying to get clean before it was really helping. I'm hoping that this time I can kick it for good. I'm sick of this back and forth stuff so much. I'm sick of all the bad stuff happening to me because of a pill. My goal is to be completely clean and not even going through withdrawals by Christmas. I want to bring the new year in clean and have a new me. Like I sai I don't really know what I'm looking for on here but I still read all the posts and really felt the need to post one myself. Thanks for anyone that's reading.
37 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Ronda. I am sorry you are struggling. And I'm sorry that you were assaulted. You sound like you are not in a good place. I would definitely talk to a counselor about your assault; that's a big issue and something that needs to be dealt with.

I'm going to be honest, because what's the point otherwise, right? We can convince ourselves very easily that something isn't working. I've learned that that is our addict brains that are very convincing telling us thing like: these people in meetings don't understand what I'm going thru, I don't relate to these people, they look different then me therefore they are different than me, I don't need this, it wasn't so bad before and on and on. You just proved that not allowing yourself to try, really try the program keeps you stuck in the using cycle. Look at it this way: whatever you've done so far hasn't worked, why not try something else? By something else I mean getting out of your "comfort zone" and doing things that people that have long term sobriety suggest to you. If you wanted to lose weight, you'd take the advice of someone that is lean and has kept their weight off. It's goes against all of our instincts as addicts, but what could it hurt to do what people w/ long term sobriety suggest? It beats the alternative, right?

You may want to mix up your meetings. You can also go to AA (I do.) People that speak up in meetings, people that allow other's to help them, people that do things they dont want to do, are the successful ones in staying clean.

I've been where you are and it s***ks. Why not try the other way? It's nice being free, I'll tell you that:)
Avatar universal
Hey Rohnda  im so sorry to here about your assault...I went threw this with one of my daughters and it really sent her into a tail spin until she got help...  please seak professional help as soon as you can...it also saddens me to here of your relapse...this disease is cunning baffling and powerful....I cant agree more then what jifmoc said  please dont give up on the  program  our disease  will tell us we can do it alone  addiction loves to isolate us and our disease will tell us we dont need meetings  it is called ''self sabotage''...my diease still does it after years clean your new to all this  as addicts we want it and we want it now  recovery does not work that way it takes more then a few months for the progam to take hold  but I do promise you this    if you stick it out  give it time you will loose the very desire to use  something I thought was impossible...just know this  I was in active addiction for 35yrs  and opiet addiction for 15yrs  if it will retrain a old dope fiend like me to loose the desire it will help anyone.....we are here for you we dont shoot our wounded nor does N/A....my doctor told me...'Mark you dont loose the war as long as your willing to keep fighting''  and that has stuck with me for many years...Rohnda your still willing to fight....Gnarly
15464710 tn?1442509011
Thank you both. I guess I'm not really giving up on NA and I have thought about going to AA. It's just sometimes I would like to hear of a solution besides pick up a book or go to a meeting. I may find another NA in a different area once I get through these withdrawals again. Yes I'm in a pretty bad spot right now. I don't think anyone around me realizes how much this is affecting me. No matter how many times I try to speak up. I'm in therapy and looking into more of an intense therapy for the assault right now. It has for sure sent me into a tailspin. All I know is posting on here makes me feel better.
4522800 tn?1470325834
I too, am so sorry to hear about all of this.

I have to Ditto what all the above has said here. I too had lots of bad things happen during my recovery, however I was not physically harmed..so sorry to hear that. The big thing is, that when we are trying to get clean and stay clean, it is hard enough. When bad things happen, then we get so spun out and can become a lost soul, or our faith can be brought down. During my own hardship and heartaches, I had to UP my support in many ways. I do go to both NA/AA and Church and so fourth to help me out. Really like my AA because we do read the 12 steps and 12 traditions over and over. I Swear it really does bring up many things that I needed to address and let go of. The meetings are now both drugs and booze. I have not had a drink of booze for over 12 or more yrs now and I really like those meetings. You do not have to jump in there and get a Sponsor right away, nor do you have to do all that book-work right away. Just go and find one that you feel really comfortable at. NOT just one a week but about 3-7 a week to start with if you can. I find AA to be so much more Spiritual for this old lost soul.Ha! It takes SO many changes and SO much work to stay clean. I also found that learning all I can about Addiction, really helps me understand what these drugs do to our Brain/Body in a more Scientific way. However, the Spiritual side of it all, is what really brings me to a much happier place in life. We need others to lean on for more Strength and Hope for a better future. It works if you work it!!! I can not even express how hard it can be to change a older soul from using this or that, to being able to finally handle, or do things without a false idol to change my mindset. I sure hope that YOU do really reach out for support. It will really, really help you in many, many ways. Sending a Prayer your way.
Hope You do have a Clean & Sober Merry Christmas.
Vickie
15464710 tn?1442509011
Hey all. Not feeling so good at the moment. That's actually a huge understatement. I'm feeling absolutely terrible. I know the withdrawals are bad. God knows this isn't my first rodeo, but each time I go through it it seems like the worst thing in the world. On top of that I've had a severe migraine for three days and nothing is getting rid of it. I found out there was an arrest made on the man that assaulted me and a couple days after Christmas is his court date. It's yet to be seen if I will need to be there to give them my testimony. This is all so crazy going through all this at once. Some days I feel like I can't handle it anymore but then I wake up the next day and I seem to get through it. I'm just so exhausted of everything right now.
4522800 tn?1470325834
Again, I am so sorry to hear this.

I do know that when we remove the pills we will get them headaches. It is the Brain trying to heal itself and balance back. YOU have been on here for awhile and know the drill on what to do to help with the w/ds. YOU do know that aftercare is so important. Right now you really should be reaching out and venting to someone/others and mostly because of your horrible issue.

If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. A long time ago I was attack but not harmed as far as the physical. I got away. However he did try to kill me and I acted like I was dead and he ran off with my brand new jeep. It is a very long story and lots of people stepped in with there own testimony about this guy and what he had said and also where they had seen him that night. I did not have to go to court. He finally did a plea bargain. HE knew he was looking at a very long time for he had at least 14 things against him. I know how you feel. I could not walk a street or alone without looking all around me. I even carried some home made weapons in my car. This was when I was in a Big Town and not up here in the woods. YOU might not have to go to court if the DA feels like he has a good case. I sure hope not, as I was so afraid to face other people regarding this. I was very lucky and was not harmed in a physical way but mentally it messed me up for awhile. This was yrs, and yrs, and yrs ago. SO feel free to PM me if you would like to vent to someone in a more personal way. I will be Praying for YOU!
Bless
Vickie
15464710 tn?1442509011
Thank you for sharing what happened to you. I don't think it matters how long it's been, just talking about it I know will bring it up again so I appreciate it. Tomorrow will be my first day completely clean even though I have already been feeling terrible withdrawal from cutting back so much so quickly. I'm going to be very busy so I hope it will keep my mind off from it. Also a bit afraid as Christmas is almost here and so are many appointments and things I need to do. Of course I can't stop life to get through this withdrawal period but I'm just so nervous about how to do it and not only get through it and be okay but at least be partially happy and be able to enjoy it. It seems very slow this time back. Did a lot of people leave or is it the time of the year?
15464710 tn?1442509011
I see so many posts getting responded to and mine is left at the bottom. I've been patiently waiting as I know it's the holidays and people are busy. I miss when I came onto here before and I didn't stop receiving support. I just don't know how to do withdrawal with holidays birthdays and a concert coming up. Blah. Feeling down today. Just looking to talk and looking for support.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Talk to me..........
4522800 tn?1470325834
What's up?
I know for me around this time I have to go out a be around other ppl in recovery. I have so much pain around this time of the yr, for I had lost most of my Family past and very past around theses times.

Look into AA/NA or the Churches and see what they have to offer. YOU are NOT alone Ronda. MH is doing a Web site turn over and it is only 50% done. Are you on the New format or Old format???
15464710 tn?1442509011
I'll talk to anyone that replies lol. I was on the new format now it looks like the old one again. It's not so much the holidays getting me down. Just the fact of having to go through withdrawal while trying to put on a brave face and not be in a terrible mood for all these events coming up.
15464710 tn?1442509011
So I'm scared. I've gotten a new script and I've been taking my pills again. I'm scared that I'm using because I'm terrified of overdose lately. I'm terrified to go through the withdrawal again. The only good thing is that now I have enough to taper down so I don't have to jump off from an extreme amount. I just need to be strong and not keep taking them like I've been. If I can taper this time maybe the withdrawal won't be so bad and I'll actually stick to this. I need to stick to it. I'm to afraid to continue.
Avatar universal
Hi....well tapering can help  but it also can be ruff to do  most addicts dont have the discipline and control to do it...it also makes you sick longer  as you taper the withdrawals pop up here and there...as always we will support your choice...............Gnarly
15464710 tn?1442509011
Not sure why my post came out looking like that. I've been taking a lot recently to get through the holidays. Tomorrow I'm only taking what's essential to not be sick on Christmas. After that I'm going to try and take none at all as I've really messed up how many I've taken. I just know this has to be done. My boyfriend is ready to leave me over this and I feel so ashamed and so much guilt. It's just so much easier than to deal with the emotional part of being sexually assaulted. I did go back to NA and I finally found some resources about rape and sexual abuse help. Just have to wait until after the holidays to make some calls and get in. Like I said if I don't do this now I don't know what I'm going to lose. I'm in a bad spot and just want to be done.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you for all the support and I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is time to face those demons so am glad to hear you will be making some calls.  You can do this~
15464710 tn?1442509011
Today is my first day withdrawing off of more than I have ever taken before. I feel like death. I keep wanting to ask when this will end but I already know the answer. I got all my vitamins, Epsom salts, heating blanket, Imodium, everything I need. It doesn't seem to be helping today though. And the cough omg the cough. Whenever I come off these I end up coughing for hours at night while throwing up every minute because of the cough. Nothing seems to stop it.
Avatar universal
Hi Ronda.........well by now your in the jaws of it...just keep telling yourself ''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile''  this to shall pass.....get yourself to a meeting you can use the support keep posting for support where all here for you............Gnarly
15464710 tn?1442509011
Today is my second day. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through the night. The coughing was terrible which of course made me keep throwing up. The sweating was terrible. Pain like I can't even describe. And because I was taking these for real pain it's even worse. Anxiety and panic. I don't even think I can list everything. New Year's Eve I have to be able to leave the house it's very important that I do. And on Saturday I have a concert I need to go to with my mom as its been planned for months. I don't know how I'm going to do these things. I know I'm supposed to take things one day at a time an one thing at a time but right now that seems impossible. I don't know how to keep making it to the next day when I don't want to keep dealing with this.
Avatar universal
Ronda -- how goes it? i am in a similar situation, just started this hell yesterday. i would love to corresponde with you a little, others as well. i am new here, unsure how to engage really. i think i will try signing up....
15464710 tn?1442509011
Today is terrible. Not sure anything I'm doing is even helping. Don't know how to get from one day to the next. I would sign up and you can send people private messages and just make your own thread of you want.
Avatar universal
yeah, not a great day here either. just so....cold. but i think we will both make it to tomorrow, and then the next one. i just try to focus on getting through this one. i do hope you are doing ok
15464710 tn?1442509011
You seem to have a better grasp on this than I do so seriously good for you. I feel out of control like my mind just won't rest thinking of what I'm going through and will be going through.
Avatar universal
my grasp aint so tight, but i remind myself over and over and over, time passes normally but my perception of it is not normal. either way, i have4-7 days of feeling like hell, can't think straight, can hardly move at all. but it will get better. it has too - nothing is this bad.
15464710 tn?1442509011
Everything your feeling I'm feeling also. When I wake up it will be day 3 for me. That's usually the worst day but I'm hoping not because yesterday and today were horrific for me. I'm hoping so badly it will be just a little better.
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495284 tn?1333894042
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