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10996785 tn?1432816577

I've reached a pivotal decision in my recovery

I've been reading a lot threads from posters doing well and some who are just beginning a new life by detoxing. I wish all my very best wishes. Good luck.

While I'm reading I'm trying to gather myself. The truth is, I'm just feeling right at all. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm fading faster now than anytime during the past 129 days. I little background. Lifetime drinker, 25 cans of beer a day. 14 years of Xanax, up to 8mg a day. From the beginning I've had problems with my medication. My throat swelled shut from Eefexor. Next pneumonia, struggle for 2 weeks. Next a stroke that I'm still recovering from. I just can't take it anymore. All these problems that I've tried to overcome and I still have a serious anxiety problem that is knocking the life out of me.

I may go back on a benzo. Possibly Ativan or klonipine <sp) I hate to do this. My clean time means the world to me right now. I just can't live this way much longer. Visteral/Neurontin/trazodone/nortriptyline/zyprexa. None have made me feel better. Maybe worse, I can't tell anymore. I'm hoping for a miracle, just not expecting one. Well I've already grown tired. I have the weekend then I'm doing what I have to do to feel better. btw, my wife sees me struggling and realizes what I must do. She will keep the bottle and dispose as needed. Will I lose my clean time?  
10 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi   well the 25 cans of beer throw up a red flag so does 8mg of benzo and together is a deadly combination  your not drinking for thirst and that dose on the benzo's will do more then take the edge off  you have to realize that where addicts and it only takes 1 or 2 pills to fog your judgement we do not have control over our use  but my guess is you will also talk yourself into the beers again   just detoxing is not recovery you still think like a addict and are looking for a pill to fix what is wrong  I think it about time for aftercare  for you A/A would be the best for you  until you loose the desire to use you will go back  as for the benso's I had my run with the devil with those  all was well until I stopped  I had the same thing  uncontrollable anxiety like you   and it can take a wile to get over it  I was only on 4mg and struggled for 2 mo with no sleep  waking up in a panic attack lack of sleep  chills sweets you name it...so instead of medicating the problem  you should treat the disease both A/A and N/A have programs that work  I would at least give it a try b/4 you go back on the pills..........Gnarly
4810126 tn?1503946335
Hi there :)

If you're saying that one of your original DOC's was Xanax, then that alone explains why your sleep is still poor and you're anxious. Both alcohol & benzos totally mess w/ your serotonin & dopamine levels. It takes most serious benzo users more than the time you've allotted yourself to heal. Your brain is most likely still trying to recover from the many years of drinking almost a case of beer a day. Folks may not realize it but alcohol affects just about every system in the body @ a cellular level & when it is discontinued, depression, agitation, anxiety & sleep disturbances can occur for quite some time.

When I got clean off of opiates/M'done, I went through a reallllly long period of sleep deprivation & had 2 hep C flare ups & a couple of other issues as a result of it. I was basically in shreds but I didn't want to go back. No way. I took k's & X's on and off for a couple of months to try to get some sleep but realized that I was building a tolerance. When I stopped this brief usage, the real sleepless hell began. I regret ever taking them. Benzos & Alcohol are a particularly potent & noxious combo in every way possible. It's more than likely that withdrawing from them has left you physically vulnerable state which may have led your medical difficulties. Did you know that chronic alcoholism causes long-term malnourishment?

Please, I know you're going through it & you can't see the light @ the end of the tunnel right now but don't put that poison in your body again! I fear you'll end up in the same place or worse.  If you have concerns about your health by all means go to a doctor to get checked out. Hold on to that clean time & keep posting. You've worked so hard Don't give up :)
Avatar universal
I stopped methadone 129 days ago and stopped Valium and OxyContin 105 days ago. I had used Valium for 14 years. This as been the hardest thing I have ever done. All my MEDS were prescribed. I would not go back on benzo for all the money in the world. I was a zombie. I understand the anxiety. It is unbelievable 24/7. No sleep cant eat I could go on and on about the physical stuff but the mental stuff is even harder. Up until 90 days I tested dirty for Valium. That's how long it stayed in my system. My neurotransmitters are bouncing around with no place to land cause the receptors are closed cause of the Valium.nmy brain knows how to heal itself in time. I'm going to give my brain all the time needs cause I want my life back. I havent slept more than a couple hours in 4 months I have come this far and so have you. Look up the site Recovery Road . Baylissa Johns recovered from benzos and her site recovery road is amazingly helpful. You have come so far don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle .
11532111 tn?1421553458
there are so many out there that would love to have 129 days under their belt I would think long and hard on this one
4810126 tn?1503946335
Bravo & Here, here Lilly! Couldn't agree more about the benzos. Congrats to you on your big 129! :)

You too refills. You can do this!
10996785 tn?1432816577
Well I have been given a lot to think about. As I typing I'm shaking and feel so weak. Everyday I keep saying this takes time. I know the drill but I'm losing steam, big time. Morning are like this. At night time I get over the top anxious. Panic attacks are frequent and brutal. I have lost control of my brain. I say I can't take it any more but I have too. ?? I guess.

The truth is, I am incapable right now to do anything. I guess it's a blessing that it would take leg work to get any pills to take. Anything I want my family would help me in a minute. Just NOT for helping me to get the pills. I'm not allowed to drive for the foreseeable future. I know that benzo's are no good for me. I know you all are right and I thank you all. I'm hoping my doctors can find something else that will give some relief. I keep telling myself I have to feel better soon. btw, my vision is blurred and is mashed together from the stroke. My balance has been way off as well. I am a wreck. Just a mess
Avatar universal
I had a really bad experience when my doc put me on effexor as well. I've decided that effexor is the devil! I too suffer from chronic anxiety. I know how horrible panic attacks are. I understand how much you must be suffering. I feel for you. Maybe you could talk to your doc about buspar? I was told it helps anxiety, but isn't addicting.
Avatar universal
I got rid of all my pills at 90 days, I actually forgot I had a huge stash. It took someone asking if I had access to even remember them. Well, I am glad I got rid of them, because at 120 days I flipped my lid. I'm not talking SOME anxiety, I had my first bipolar cycle off meds at that time. I was psychotic by definition, I would have taken a pill to relieve that insanity, a doctor would have given me some. I think I can relate to how you feel on a personal level. Truth is, until I was off the pills long enough, I couldn't find other solutions. Yes, it was terrible to go through all that, but I would still be treading water, if I was still taking my drug of choice. As it stands, with tons of support, therapy, and changing my way of thinking, I don't even think of drugs as an option. Instead of racking my brain on how to get a pill, I instinctively rack my brain to find peace. I will always get anxious, sad, frustrated, irritated, but I won't always have to have a pill to cope.
10996785 tn?1432816577
breakdance and weaver and all of you, sound like you know what I'm talking about. My anxiety is thru the roof. Most of my life I've found a way to deal with this. (mostly drinking and drugs) Truth is, I wasn't a very nice person when I was much younger. I was a functional abuser for most of my life. I don't remember dealing with life's curveballs. Now that the rubber meets the road I'm drowning in anxiety with nothing but myself to cope with it all. I am trying my best. Putting away the bad thoughts.I think I'm going to make it for now. I'm very happy I brought up my feelings to you all. Hey, I'm OK for today. That's all that really matters. Thanks all.  ike
Avatar universal
Yeah, I really relate. If you pull up my old post, 120 days off methadone, you can see that I had anxiety about things I had forget even happened. I felt things from 25 years ago, like they were currently happening. I was not nearly as calm as you are today, or at least you are writing as if you have more of your marbles than I did. I think it's wise to give it more time and develop new coping skills. I see so many jump into benzos, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, long before their natural chemistry has had a chance to heal. I'm not say people don't need those things, I am just not sure if they ever really gave it enough of a chance to see if they REALLY need medication, or just want their feelings to change with a pill. Anyway, the rubber has hit the road and you are strutting, may not feel like it, but you are doing the most important thing you could by finding out for sure if you really need drugs, or just want them.
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