Also big thanks to http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/list/1673923?personal_page_id=2149769
it has helped even though our results appear different. I'm glad they took the time to document their experience and share it here.
Much love BamaIndian wherever you may roam...
Dave, I'm not sure what you are looking for but I hope you get into recovery asap. Seems to be the one thing missing from your story. It will be the game changer, and you'll never have to go through this again if you do the work. Keep posting.
One week today. 2 hrs of sleep last night. I have the strange taste of wet cardboard in my mouth and am constantly nauseated It's a repulsive taste. I still feel flushing in my face. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say this is a 5.5 except that the lack of sleep seems to be amplifying my overall sense of malaise. No desire for food.
Day 7, 1:05 p.m.
Wish I knew how to edit on here but I don't ,so sorry for the mistakes in posting.
Had to go to Walmart because we're literally out of food. I stayed in the truck while my wife went in and did the shopping. A thunderstorm suddenly roared in and I watched the various people in the parking lot run around in disarray and chaos. I felt a kinship with them even though I was perfectly dry. The rain subsided and I watch the parking lot return to normality. I was a little sad. Somehow the group disarray Id witnessed had brought a weird Comfort to me. I stepped out of the truck just to let the sun hit my face and I smelled the purest air I think I've ever smelled. Every trace of pollen had been beaten down and there was an overall easiness in the air. The rain had cooled things down so quickly that it caused a cloudiness in the mountains it looked like great Billows of smoke drifting through the trees, the sunshine was on my back and I felt at ease. I've simply got to take note of the little joys and wonders of living. Dope can't run the show any longer.
Great comments. Very visceral and poetic. Glad you are posting! And even more glad you are going back to the program. Fyi, I go to AA even though my drug of choice is norco (hydrocodone.) Turns out, it covers all substances, and it becomes not about that and living life as it is, totally unfettered. I'm glad for you. Others will chime in, too. It's just been SO slow around here.
Day 8, 8:25am. Sick at a 5/10. Got tricked Yesterday by this Insidious withdrawal into thinking I could cut my dose of Imodium as I was feeling better and apparently almost done with this process. Lying *******. Sneaky lying *******. On a positive note I don't feel quite as emotionally vulnerable as I have been feeling. I'll choose to be happy about that.
the big problem still is sleep or lack thereof. Only 1.5 hrs of sleep last night. The lack of quality sleep is becoming debilitating. Also it's the way I'm being deprived that's particularly cruel. At 10pm last night I stretched out with my body giving every indication that sleep would be arriving shortly. Then for the next 7 hours I stayed in some sort of virtual holding pattern, so close to sleep but never being green lit to actually land. The Perpetual circling of my ultimate destination begin to drain me immensely. It reminded me of a flight I was on years ago where we got stuck in a holding pattern right above the airport because a fuel truck had sprung a leak and apparently littered a large portion of the tarmac with jet fuel before it was discovered. We circled the airport incessantly, Waiting, waiting.. waiting... Through the clouds I could see my destination,so close but so far beyond any scope of influence I possessed. I remember going through a whole series of emotions ranging from raw indignation to silent plaintive pleas. I also remember, towards the end, grumbling that if I ever actually landed I would swear off flying forever. Last night I found myself saying the exact same thing again. Life is funny and hauntingly unpredictable but ******* it I'm choosing to live it to the fullest instead of circling it like some sort of helpless,sickly, stowaway. Mark my words, once this disastrous ride is finally grounded, I will never ever fly again.
The wife went to use the garage door opener to take the dogs out and it broke. The door was half up-half down. Not a good thing at all. I drug my exhausted being out into the steamy garage and after an hour of random fiddling. Had it working again. Then 20 minutes later she went to open it again and the same thing happened. As I stood sweltering on a steps tool I was fuming. I slammed a door, stormed around and overall laid down a pretty funky cloud of bad vibes. I guess today I'm just an A-hole.
A dirty, sweaty,sickly, unappealing and certainly ungrateful a-hole. I'll try to do better.
Some Sleep would surely help
I slept nearly 5 hours last night. Upon arising I could immediately tell that the rest had restored some clarity to my thinking. I thought back on Sunday nights unexpected sleep Bonanza and quickly saw a pattern. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night all had the same thing in common, very little sleep. Then Sunday comes and I sleep four and a half hours. This time it's Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night in which I struggled to sleep 2 hours per night... and finally Thursday night, in which I sleep 5 hours. It looks like the body is simply exhausted after 6 hours of sleep in 3 nights and goes into a mandatory shutdown. But at any rate I'll be grateful. Sleep is an escape and it feels so wonderful to just Drift Away. My two grandsons are coming over today for the weekend so we'll see how that goes. Still feel like crap but my mental foggyness appears to be lifting. Also it appears that The troughs in between the cresting waves of discomfort are becoming longer? So the waves of discomfort, when they come, are still intense but the pauses in between appear to have lengthened slightly.
I also notice yesterday during my forced activity with the garage door that afterwards there appeared to be a push back the overall crappiness I was feeling. The activity, even though exhausting, seemed to trigger a long and unexpected period of Clarity both mentally and physically. I would say today would rate a 4.5 out of 10 on my personal withdrawal scale.
A BIG thanks to everyone who's taken the time to comment on this thread. Believe it or not every comment has meant something to me and has helped me in some way, form or fashion
Definitely feeling better today but still it's hard to trust the sensation. I've been tricked before thinking that it was better only to find out that it really wasn't. So I won't believe it or disbelieve it for now, I'll just be glad that I'm feeling better and won't attempt to gaze too deeply into the phenomena
Im drinking loads of water and Gatorade and eating the best that I can. Just praying for some decent sleep on the 2nd Friday night since I've been clean...
I only slept 2 hours and when I did wake I was sick. Typical dope sick symptoms. Flushed face, shotgun sneezing , watering eyes, Zero Energy and an overall sense of great malaise. From my perspective this feels like a devastating blow especially after yesterday's fantastic results. The haphazard and randomized way in which the withdrawal is presenting itself makes it difficult for me to draw a bead on what any particular plan of action should be. It just keeps morphing around my best laid plans.
At any rate I'll find something positive to focus on today. Perhaps I'll focus on the people who have responded to this post so positively. That's been a big plus for me and I'm grateful. Yeah that'll be my thing today.
I think you are doing great! I remember those awful wd's and at the same time i just rode them out as i knew i had to rid myself of all the toxins to get to the other side. It has been over 9 yrs now for me and i am still amazed at all the wonders of the world that i took for granted for so many years. I work my recovery the minute my feet hit the ground in the morning. Look around at all you have to be grateful for~
Just knowing that someone does understand what you are going thru is a huge thing. I lived on this board in the early days. We have really great people on here who are very caring. This is a "we" thing, not an "i" thing.
Today has been by far the worst day. I would rate it a six out of ten. Every single aspect of it's been bad from the way I physically felt to my emotional well-being. I woke up at 7 a.m. and didn't put the first bite of food in my mouth until 3 p.m. I did go out at 11 a.m. and look at a small job which I had already scheduled Tuesday when I was fairly certain that by Saturday I would surely feel better. I also drove 50 minutes each way to pick up our two grandsons because again I'd given my word that I would, so I did but boy was that tough. At the present moment my wife is trying to keep the boys occupied because she knows that I feel so sick and I'm holed up in the bedroom with the light off, hiding out for all I'm worth. Doesn't make me feel very useful at all. I'm going to drag myself up and go make myself interact.
All in all today was not a good day but I'm still here and I'll survive these middle rounds where my opponent has had his second wind. I'll take the blows, however hard. I'll rest when I can, brawl when I must and wait my turn patiently. Eventually even the strongest of bullies run out of gas and then it can be my turn. I'm ready for this battle. I've been ready for a long time. I weaned myself down from 80 mg of day, alone and in private.., preparing myself for a time when I would be strong enough to finally Break Free. That time is now and I remain stubbornly unafraid
The worst is past. Not sure what this episode was all about today but it was rough. For the most part I feel better as of about 10 p.m. tonight. The only remaining traces are that I am weakened a bit,have a very slight tremor in my left hand and an overall queasiness. The leg and ankle pain are almost completely gone. The sneezing has subsided entirely. And the overall Malaise Has Lifted.
In the five years that I abused and used opiates before I went to the methadone clinic in 2007, I was on and at some point withdrew from almost every pharmaceutical opiate drug out there and in my experience nothing shares this withdrawal profile.
Anyways just happy to be back. :-)
Dave, you are a very intelligent guy; it's evident in your prose. Intelligence can keep us stubborn as hell, though. I'm glad you've had a wd breakthrough, NOW is the time to get to a meeting.
I woke up at 6 a.m. after sleeping a shockingly long 5 hours. I feel fatigued and nauseated. I'm beginning to get a hollow , haunting feeling that I've underestimated this process. I also believe that having a 3 and 4 year old over at the same time may have been a mistake. Answering endless questions about Paw Patrol, Mutant Turtles and whether Pirate's are real has further drained any energy stockpiles I may have had. But hey, I'm alive and I'm clean and for that I'm grateful
Children are draining even when we arent in wd's but to see the world thru their eyes is such a blessing. My 6 yr old grandaughter will pick a dandelion and give it to me. She doesnt see it as a weed, she sees the brilliant color.
Are you eating? Bland food will help ease the nausea. I have always said it is too bad we cant see inside our body. Our internal organs are working so hard to try and get back to working properly. The drugs have affected them too so this is a time thing. I know you feel like hell but now is the time to hit up those meetings. You are doing great so keep it going!
I am fairly convinced that I have entered into the deeper waters of this withdrawal. I will be lucky if I don't lose my lunch soon even though I didn't have any. A full 7/10 on my silly little scale.
My mind still remains oddly clear however, Jumping here and there with hopes of the future and regrets of the past. I'll be honest and tell you that this level of withdrawal, at this extended of a period, has caught me completely off guard. People told me it was an Insidious kick and I tried to appreciate their wisdom but perspective matters and I suppose I'm earning mine now...
Still very sick. My sense of smell has went haywire and is nearly at superhuman levels. I can smell all the laundry room sundries, along with the kitchens carefully canistered coffee. I cannot pull my blanket to close to my face because of the overwhelming scent of cotton and other fibers. Sad truth is, I'm fully familiar with this odd happening, I've experienced it many times during many withdrawals from other opiates but it was always during their peak withdrawal phases, Approx. days 3-6, Not on day 12.
It doesn't really matter to me at this point how rough it gets or how long it lasts. I never assumed it would be easy. I always knew it'd be tough. I did hope that I might be one of the fortunate few who Detox relatively effortlessly. But deep inside, I knew..
When I told my counselor that I was quitting the clinic and detoxing at home and I watched fearful sorrow slowly trace her face, I knew..
The gist of my mindset is that I'm tired of being intimidated by fears of withdrawal. I'm tired of surrendering my emotional lunch money to this disease . I'm fed up and I'm done. I'm furious about all I've surrendered in order to keep the peace. I should have done this long ago but I got lost on the wide, well trodden path of opiate induced complacency and the fuzzy logic it produces. But today I am not lost..
I feel plenty sick but not lost even in the slightest. I'll be grateful for that today..
"Go with a spirit that fears nothing" Jimi's words took me thru alot of trials~
Still quite sick. Small slight headache centered behind right eye is annoying and bothersome. Sinus headache I'd guess. I drifted off this afternoon for nearly two hours. No doubt I'm worn. The nausea is non stop and I'm drinking pepto from the largest bottle they had. It's ridiculously oversized and obviously not meant for travel. It's meant for those who are convalescing. It's taller than a water bottle and almost twice the girth. Part of me feels depressed that Ive put myself in such a vulnerable and sickly position but another part of me snickers when I see the size of that Dam bottle. Must of been designed for a serious multi-use situation. Its sad that I alone have almost polished it off.
But I still feel firmly dug in and my resolve is the intact.
Ive Been sick before, been depressed before, been all this before. Feels like I'm being forced to watch a really bad movie that I've already suffered through a dozen times before, albeit this showing is in some strange slow motion edit..,virtually identical just much more drawn out.
I pray I'm better tomorrow because I want a meeting in my system. If I'm able, only if I'm able
Dave, did you go to a meeting yet? (Yup, I'm asking.)