Also big thanks to http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/list/1673923?personal_page_id=2149769
it has helped even though our results appear different. I'm glad they took the time to document their experience and share it here.
Much love BamaIndian wherever you may roam...
Dave, I'm not sure what you are looking for but I hope you get into recovery asap. Seems to be the one thing missing from your story. It will be the game changer, and you'll never have to go through this again if you do the work. Keep posting.
One week today. 2 hrs of sleep last night. I have the strange taste of wet cardboard in my mouth and am constantly nauseated It's a repulsive taste. I still feel flushing in my face. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say this is a 5.5 except that the lack of sleep seems to be amplifying my overall sense of malaise. No desire for food.
Day 7, 1:05 p.m.
Wish I knew how to edit on here but I don't ,so sorry for the mistakes in posting.
Had to go to Walmart because we're literally out of food. I stayed in the truck while my wife went in and did the shopping. A thunderstorm suddenly roared in and I watched the various people in the parking lot run around in disarray and chaos. I felt a kinship with them even though I was perfectly dry. The rain subsided and I watch the parking lot return to normality. I was a little sad. Somehow the group disarray Id witnessed had brought a weird Comfort to me. I stepped out of the truck just to let the sun hit my face and I smelled the purest air I think I've ever smelled. Every trace of pollen had been beaten down and there was an overall easiness in the air. The rain had cooled things down so quickly that it caused a cloudiness in the mountains it looked like great Billows of smoke drifting through the trees, the sunshine was on my back and I felt at ease. I've simply got to take note of the little joys and wonders of living. Dope can't run the show any longer.
Great comments. Very visceral and poetic. Glad you are posting! And even more glad you are going back to the program. Fyi, I go to AA even though my drug of choice is norco (hydrocodone.) Turns out, it covers all substances, and it becomes not about that and living life as it is, totally unfettered. I'm glad for you. Others will chime in, too. It's just been SO slow around here.
Day 8, 8:25am. Sick at a 5/10. Got tricked Yesterday by this Insidious withdrawal into thinking I could cut my dose of Imodium as I was feeling better and apparently almost done with this process. Lying *******. Sneaky lying *******. On a positive note I don't feel quite as emotionally vulnerable as I have been feeling. I'll choose to be happy about that.
the big problem still is sleep or lack thereof. Only 1.5 hrs of sleep last night. The lack of quality sleep is becoming debilitating. Also it's the way I'm being deprived that's particularly cruel. At 10pm last night I stretched out with my body giving every indication that sleep would be arriving shortly. Then for the next 7 hours I stayed in some sort of virtual holding pattern, so close to sleep but never being green lit to actually land. The Perpetual circling of my ultimate destination begin to drain me immensely. It reminded me of a flight I was on years ago where we got stuck in a holding pattern right above the airport because a fuel truck had sprung a leak and apparently littered a large portion of the tarmac with jet fuel before it was discovered. We circled the airport incessantly, Waiting, waiting.. waiting... Through the clouds I could see my destination,so close but so far beyond any scope of influence I possessed. I remember going through a whole series of emotions ranging from raw indignation to silent plaintive pleas. I also remember, towards the end, grumbling that if I ever actually landed I would swear off flying forever. Last night I found myself saying the exact same thing again. Life is funny and hauntingly unpredictable but ******* it I'm choosing to live it to the fullest instead of circling it like some sort of helpless,sickly, stowaway. Mark my words, once this disastrous ride is finally grounded, I will never ever fly again.
The wife went to use the garage door opener to take the dogs out and it broke. The door was half up-half down. Not a good thing at all. I drug my exhausted being out into the steamy garage and after an hour of random fiddling. Had it working again. Then 20 minutes later she went to open it again and the same thing happened. As I stood sweltering on a steps tool I was fuming. I slammed a door, stormed around and overall laid down a pretty funky cloud of bad vibes. I guess today I'm just an A-hole.
A dirty, sweaty,sickly, unappealing and certainly ungrateful a-hole. I'll try to do better.
Some Sleep would surely help
I slept nearly 5 hours last night. Upon arising I could immediately tell that the rest had restored some clarity to my thinking. I thought back on Sunday nights unexpected sleep Bonanza and quickly saw a pattern. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night all had the same thing in common, very little sleep. Then Sunday comes and I sleep four and a half hours. This time it's Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night in which I struggled to sleep 2 hours per night... and finally Thursday night, in which I sleep 5 hours. It looks like the body is simply exhausted after 6 hours of sleep in 3 nights and goes into a mandatory shutdown. But at any rate I'll be grateful. Sleep is an escape and it feels so wonderful to just Drift Away. My two grandsons are coming over today for the weekend so we'll see how that goes. Still feel like crap but my mental foggyness appears to be lifting. Also it appears that The troughs in between the cresting waves of discomfort are becoming longer? So the waves of discomfort, when they come, are still intense but the pauses in between appear to have lengthened slightly.
I also notice yesterday during my forced activity with the garage door that afterwards there appeared to be a push back the overall crappiness I was feeling. The activity, even though exhausting, seemed to trigger a long and unexpected period of Clarity both mentally and physically. I would say today would rate a 4.5 out of 10 on my personal withdrawal scale.
A BIG thanks to everyone who's taken the time to comment on this thread. Believe it or not every comment has meant something to me and has helped me in some way, form or fashion
Definitely feeling better today but still it's hard to trust the sensation. I've been tricked before thinking that it was better only to find out that it really wasn't. So I won't believe it or disbelieve it for now, I'll just be glad that I'm feeling better and won't attempt to gaze too deeply into the phenomena
Im drinking loads of water and Gatorade and eating the best that I can. Just praying for some decent sleep on the 2nd Friday night since I've been clean...
I only slept 2 hours and when I did wake I was sick. Typical dope sick symptoms. Flushed face, shotgun sneezing , watering eyes, Zero Energy and an overall sense of great malaise. From my perspective this feels like a devastating blow especially after yesterday's fantastic results. The haphazard and randomized way in which the withdrawal is presenting itself makes it difficult for me to draw a bead on what any particular plan of action should be. It just keeps morphing around my best laid plans.
At any rate I'll find something positive to focus on today. Perhaps I'll focus on the people who have responded to this post so positively. That's been a big plus for me and I'm grateful. Yeah that'll be my thing today.