Just checking in

[chaddavis333]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to talk to my good friends on here. I don't know if people care or not, but i am checking in. I have been to several na meetings and learned a lot. I know I have been using to cover up several mental problems, that unfortuantley, are still present. On the 2nd of febuary, I will be clean 6 months. Praise God for that. The only bad news is that anxiety will not leave me alone. I have been to the Physc several times, and now i am on a drug called triliptol. It's for seizures, but it's supposed to be good for anxiety. It helped for like a week and gave me nervous energy, and now not so much. We tried to increase it but it made it worse. I am living in prison still but i am clean. At this point i don't think it is the loperamide paws doing this. I mean 6 months. That's crazy. I never had pawsnwith any other drug withdrawal. The jury is out on whether I could be bipolar. I know this anxiety is so bad, I have had to take .05 loperazalam 4 times in 2 days. I am allowed 3 a day, but I,don't want to get addicted to this stuff also. I keep,praying and begging God. When it's at its worse, i sleep,maybe 5 hours off and on. Get up dry heave every morning, cry off and all day, and suffer unbelievable headaches. I am,sorry to be such a Debbie downer all the time, I just need to get better. Anyone else gone through this?? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?? I still get random thoughts of sucicide, that I quickly rebuke the devil for. I would love some encouragement right now form the best people i know. Thanks everyone. Please someone give me some advice....

[chaddavis333]

Sorry everyone I just read what everyone else is posted did you guys you guys mean the world to me I am so grateful to have such good friends

[Madmax88]

Atavan can make you hallucinate have suicidal thoughts and a lot more. I'm willing to bet it has something to do with your mental problems. It's in your system a few days go a week without it and see if any changes occur. 6 months chad 6 dang months half a year. You have hit a mile stone stay strong you got this. If you got threw 6 months I have faith you'll get through the rest

[dominosarah]

Chad, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  You have been following it for awhile now.  It will get brighter until one day the sky will open up and all of this will make sense.  Just be completely honest at your appt.  The mental issues you have been experiencing will be treatable and you will be able to enjoy the blessings you have right in front of you.  There is hope my friend~

Iowa City is a pretty neat place!!  Lots of history!

[motye51]

You WILL be ok!!!! We have been sooooo "abe" normal for so damn long we do forget what normal is. I hope, honestly, that you find a dr that can look at this WHOLE situation you have and come up with an answer. Going to meetings is going to help, i promise! I was blown-away when other addicts in my group talked about what went tgrough their heads....i was like holy ****...i thought  i was the only person who had those stupid thoughts????

[chaddavis333]

Your right Sarah. I am going to,iowa city the 2nd of Feb. Yes motye, I too thought it was something else. I begged God to help me. I actually prayed for any disease but mental. I would rather be in a wheel chair than this, I know that sounds harsh, but mental disease is a prison. I mean I am 41 by now I should have known if it was bipolar, although some get diagonsed later in life. I just don't want to go through trying this med then that, and still not having relief. Part of me thinks it's the lexapro doing since I was on it so long, I also don't know what it feels like to be normal since I abused so long. Well actually only 3 years solid this last time. I mean what do you do when you have everything you could possibly want and not be able to enjoy it?? Please some one tell me their is light at the end of the tunnel, please tell me I will be ok,

[dominosarah]

We always hoped for the easy way out!

[dominosarah]

It very well could be a mental issue and if you are bipolar there are many different ways to control that.  Are you going to Iowa City?

[chaddavis333]

Yeah I am working on getting a sponsor, I have a long 90 minute Physc evalation at Iowa university on Feb 2. I never really had any problems, other than a touch of anxiety before this. Now it's 24 hours a day physical symptoms. I am only taking the avitan when i just can't handle the anxiety. I am not taking it daily. I don't need to get addicted to that as well. Thanks do,tall the answers. At this point though, should i think it's paws or something else?? Could this be a mental issue outside of the drug use??? If I am bipolar is there hope??

[motye51]

We have many well maintained people in our mtgs with bipolar disorder once they were correctly diagnosed.....its kind of funny though, that you say that, b/c once i got clean in the back of my mind i was kind of hoping for some "medical" reason that i was this way....nope, its just me, a plain ole addict...lol
Isnt that sad!!! I was actually wishing for an illness???? How messed up is that???

[dominosarah]

Hi Chad!  Keep doing what you are doing.  I would also check into getting a sponsor like motye said.  You sound better and that makes me happy!!

[motye51]

We have some in our n/a mtgs are diagnosed bipolar, etc....we self medicate....very common. Have they tested you for physiatric issues?
I wonder, if getting a sponsor and working steps might realease some of your demons??? Alot of issues that i allowed to weigh on me were  released when i did my 4th step and i found,my anxiety level went down. I know i suffer from anxiety...but its way more manageable clean....keep working and learning about yourself....

[meegWpaw]

not sure what i can say that i havent already said Chad but you do sound a little more positive (for the most part) and like you are headed in the right direction!  is that Ativan you have?  be careful with that stuff.  did you ever look into migraine meds?  take care, keep your head up, think positive stay away from those dark thoughts.  people care about you, here and irl.  :)