Avatar universal

Just needed to write

I don't really have a question I just need to write this out and see it. I've been a cocaine user for about ten years. I was prescribed Ritalin then adderall from the time I was 8 to 18 and on and off till I was in my early twenties. The first time I tried come it seemed like no big deal to me it was just like my medicine but less potent and did t last nearly as long. So I thought nothing of it. I started working in bars where it was all around me sometimes I would partake but not often and I never paid for it just got hooked up by co-workers and patrons. I've always gone through high and low usage, doing it while it was around and not worrying about it when it wasn't. But about 4 years ago it became very prevalent in my circles of friends and extremely easy to get (I live in Miami)  I think I have a problem but I know it's not as bad as others. I've never sold my stuff, stolen or skipped bills to pay for my habit. If I can't afford it I just don't get it. When I'm binging though I might do it as often as 3 times a week but never more than a gram or so in a night. Then I'll stop cause I'm tired of it and be clean for up to 3 months sometimes. But there's always that night where I'm like **** it lets party! And get back into it  for a month or two usually using 1-2 times a week if I don't have work to interfere.more than anything I'm worried about having a heart attack. I would hate for my friends and family to lose me that way. Especially considering my uncle died of one at 56 last year (also a casual cocaine user) I find when I use LSD it puts things in perspective and I won't use for awhile but I always go back and using a drug to stop another drug is just asinine. Oh well comment if you like....just getting this off my chest.
10 Responses
684676 tn?1503186663
my feedback might sound harsh on here, but my opinion is this, it sounds like alot of justification for using,

" But about 4 years ago it became very prevalent in my circles of friends and extremely easy to get (I live in Miami)  I think I have a problem but I know it's not as bad as others. I've never sold my stuff, stolen or skipped bills to pay for my habit. If I can't afford it I just don't get it. When I'm binging though I might do it as often as 3 times a week but never more than a gram or so in a night. Then I'll stop cause I'm tired of it and be clean for up to 3 months sometimes"

it seems like you use the defense mechanism, rationalization alot , like as long as you aren't as bad as others its ok, .I see this because i have done it all my life.
if you agree that addiction is a progressive dis-ease, then can you realize that you will become as bad as the ppl you judge at some point.
the odds are if you continue to use you will, do the things you say you avoid now, its what happens to ppl in this dis-ease, then incarceration or death, .
the good thing is your starting to recognize there is a problem , thats where recovery begins.
1827057 tn?1397520277
Hey there !   The one thing that really would make me want to quit would definitely be the heart thing. Man, this stuff is very very bad on the heart and you sound like you don't want that. It always gets worse as we keep using.
  Wishing you the best my friend and hoping you make the decision to quit. Miami sounds like a great place where you can find many many things to do besides coke. I am also aware of the intermittent nature of cravings for cocaine. I used to do it but found I got almost no bang for the buck with it.
   You can quit if you want to my friend and it sounds like part of you does and that is a great first step. Listen to the good part of you and see the other part of you for what it is. You can do it friend.  
Avatar universal
Hey - I did plenty of blow in my day until I discovered pain killers and that took me in hard.. But I do remember my coke years and they sound very similar to yours so I completely understand your confusion as to where you are in your cycle of addiction... I used to struggle with am I addicted to coke or not -- I mean I wouldn't use at work but when I had a few drinks in me and a slight buzz -- boom! That was my trigger and I went on a "coke" hunt.. My coke years were mostly my single years and a competitive athlete so when I was in training for 3 - 4 months at a time I wouldn't use (coke or booze) so I never thought I was displaying any sort of addictive behavior, but I was and deep down, like you I knew I was... Now -- my advise to you of course is to quit while your ahead, while you have not fallen into deep BUT you have to be ready and willing to do that, if not then you will play this out to the end and man let me tell you it WILL get ugly, period. I mean think about it -- do you think you can continue using the rest of your life? Of course not.. It will either bring you to your knees so you will have no,choice but seek help or it will just kill you.. It's a blessing that you posted on this forum because you are smart enough to know that you are playing with fire.. I know it's hard the party is still fun.. Your not spending your own money on it, your having a good time for the most part -- addiction is the last thing on your mind.. I know I was there, but the party will end and like I said it's ugly... Anyway, I am sorry I am preaching it's just your story reminded me of my early days... I currently 28 days clean from a 5 yr pain killer addiction that almost took everything from me, my life, my wife and kids and it all began like your story.. Anyway I wish you all the best and WE will be here for you.. Please keep posting
Avatar universal
Thanks for the support. These are all things I needed to hear. I guess I needed to hear it from people who've been where I am now, instead of listening to myself justifying it. Short of avoiding alcohol which is my trigger. Can anybody give me some advice on other steps to avoid this **** and keep myself occupied?
684676 tn?1503186663
i can really relate with keeping busy, since early on in my life it was centered around drugs and alcohol, i started the process of recovery w/out even realizing it by detoxing off opiates , (i havent done coke since early 90s, but did have some sporadic meth use even a few years ago.)i now am completely clean and sober and feel the best i ever have!,
for me i changed my whole mindset and that has helped to keep busy with differen't interests,, i guess its all about what you like to do, for me i really enjoy music and have a guitar, also computers, online research, online racing, and gaming sometimes, flight sim. outdoor activities, fishing, hiking, i enjoy smoking meats, fish, am an avid bbq person, am a foodie, and balance that with working out. I am trying hard to not isolate and meet likemined ppl. in the spring i want to check out paintball (if i can as i am on parole)i like riding bycycle, and really enjoy my current job.
really if a person can find positivity in life (progress not perfection ofcourse)the things to do are limitless, there are alot of things out there, i do more now then i ever did as a chronic marijuana ,drug, user alcoholic!
Avatar universal
Outside of alcohol I would say -- people, places and things.. Meaning you need to drop the people in your life that use or bring you down, don't goto the places that it's available, and don't do things that trigger your usage.. I mean these are all very, very, VERY hard things to do, I understand.. A matter of fact judging by your story everything occurs at your Job, correct? I mean if your serious about getting this under control you may have to think about quitting your job, and finding a new place to work where you can start fresh.. Now, another consideration is attending some NA or AA meetings to learn how to stay clean and sober, I highly suggest this but you really have to work the program in order to be successful... I suggest attending a meeting to at least listen to see if this is what you want...other than that it just comes down to you and your willingness to quit.. Again, this can end on your terms or the drugs terms.. It's up to you to decide.. Either way I wish you all the best and we will be here to support you...
Avatar universal
Thanks again for the helpfull advice. I have already taken some of those steps. I quit the service industry 4 years ago but the drugs still followed me or more likely I followed them...and I don't associate so much with a lot of the original people that I started getting deep into it with. My problem is my own and I'll admit that. It's no ones fault but my own. I'm just pretty sure I've gotten to the point where enough is enough. I have all the reasons in the world to quit, a good job, a loving family, an awesome girlfriend who I've been talking to about this today and she's 100% supportive. The problem is me and that's where I think I need to start. I really just need to kick my own *** into gear. I think I will go check out some meetings and see what it's all about.
1235186 tn?1549257619
you don't want to hear this but if alcohol is the trigger which for a lot of people it is that would be a pretty important piece to the puzzle.

alcohol lowers your inhibitions. many people relapse when alcohol is in the picture.

cocaine definitely causes heart issues and can seriously lead to heart attack and yes even death.

please find a new "high", something this isn't detrimental to your health and life.
admitting that you know that "it" has become a problem in your life is a life changing revelation. please continue to search your soul and know that you are indeed done.
3197167 tn?1348968606
Welcome to the forum~  You have received a LOT of great comments.  You seem to be "open" and "seeking".....that's a GREAT thing.

I really liked this last comment you made:

"The problem is me and that's where I think I need to start. I really just need to kick my own *** into gear"

That is so true.....I can only change "me".....and should you be told that you haven't had enough negative consequences....or that your "bottom" isn't low enough.....just remember we have the power of choice...and "bottom" for us can be looking down....and knowing we don't want to go any further.

True, not many alcoholic/addicts, at least not the majority....actually exercise that power of choice before they have lost a lot....but many DO...and you can be one of them.
Avatar universal
It really sounds like you have everything in place to put the breaks on and get out while you are ahead.. I LOVE that you let your girlfriend in on everything because as much as this is "me" thing it also something we CANNOT do on our OWN that's why support from loved ones and meetings are key to us addicts being able to control everything... I also think it is amazing that your are keeping an open mind and want to check out some meetings -- if you do that then you are making the BEST decision of your life.. I promise! Anyway my man I think you have all the tools/mindset to do this so get out there and get it done... Please keep us posted with any additional questions or concerns.... Sorry one more tip if you decide to quit, and that is cut your sources.. Lose the number of your dealer...you already know how this will sneak up on you so don't make it easy to slip... Again all the best my brother and we will be here for you....
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