no trying to be mean but you just proved gizzy post right. thats how a lot of us feel in addiction mode. today is day one for me again and all those thoughts have went through my brain today. this is my 2nd and last time to get clean, i relasped "bad" why worse and way more deep the 2nd round of my addiction. the "bad voice" keeps coming in telling me the same things. but that is why we take them cause we dont want to deal with anything, exspecially sad or pissed off emotions. that is not good or how we deal is not good. i so understand you feelings, but we cant mask everything for the rest of are lives. that is not living
Wow Gizzy, I feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head and posted it. I am still struggling with trying to get clean, and being an active user, I still fully think all of those things you said. The more oc I do...the more energy I have and the more I workout. I am happy in any social situation, and never get annoyed with my friends. Often times I get super annoyed without it lol. I know that as long as I am on OC, nothing will go wrong during the day. Everything will be totally okay and I will be happy all day long. No sadness, anger, or anything. I was driving through the outdoor mall near where I live the other day and I saw two people laughing and I thought the same thing you did. How are they laughing and happy without being on oc?? That thought really depressed me.
The more I read on here and think about my problem ( I still can't call it an addiction yet, I just can't accept that I am actually addicted) the more I learn. I find that when I am doing oc all day ever day, it makes me feel as if I don't have a problem. As long as I always have oc I will not detox and it will make me feel like a normal person who doesn't have a problem. I also realize that nobody in life is happy all the time. Sometimes you are sad, angry, depressed, and not every second can be happiness. That is something I need to accept because one thing that draws me to OC is the constant happiness. I think there are a lot of things in my life that i have repressed deep into my head so I don't ever have to think about it, and the drugs allow me to continue to not think about it. Sometimes when I dont have oc and I come off it a little, I feel like an emotional wreck and overwhelemed with all these problems that I feel like i'm being suffocated with. Last night i started to come off a little and my friend had said something to me about my relationship with my dad that really upset me and I actually started CRYING. I don't think I have cried in years. As soon as this happened, I got up went into the bathroom and did a huge line of oc and everything was better again.
as always, great post...wish I could come up with great post like yours...what is your secert??...lol
As many others I justified my addiction to pain and going to a pain specialist, but it made me depressed, withdrawn, all I carewd about was the pills I has, if I did go out I took a couple of pills, as soon as I got home I took a coiuple of pills...they were my life..all i cared or thought about...my pills
I am so glad that I have broken that hold, now I am really loving life again, looking forward to things,enjoying my kids and grandkids, I can laugh, no depression, I am on the go all the time now..oh my my life is so great
no ring..just has talked about it when he takes the job here in august....dunno..i never count my chickens before they hatch..but i hope so..dont think i have ever felt so wonderful..better than drugs any day of the week (: thanx giz for askin
Great to see you back. I sent you a pm but it did not go through, something is messing up on here this evening on my page. Send me a pm and let me know how your doing? hope your clean and if not gonna try again. talk soon.
worried it's always good to reflect. I know if i forget and let my guard down, then those stupid thoughts start and I have to start fighting it again. Hope your doing well. Are you married yet? LOL
like outatown..i justified my use due to my pain problem///easy when u gotta legit reason i guess...really tho i think i felt so miserable that i deserved to be able to escape by using pills..and had they not turned on me i often wonder if i still would be...dont think so but who knows???my chronic pain made me so tired and i have a stressful job which requires physical plus mental stress/...so i also justified my use cos i had to work...gosh..guess i had lots of reasons! LOL just named 3 and thinkin of another which is i was so "incredibly fun" when i took pills...ha ha..thought so tho..life of the party on pills...guess when i look at the reasons i listed perhaps i used cos i felt inadequate???/btw, thanx giz for the great post cos that caused me to reflect on some things/ great post as always (:
HEY GIZZ ITS UR OLE PAL JT HERE JUST CHECKED IN AFTER AL WAAAAYYYYY LONG TIME GOOD TO SEE U STILL TRUCKIN AND STILL POSTING UR GOOD STUFF... HOPE TO TALK TO YA REAL SOON BUD. HAVE A GREAT DAY/NITE....
Great post Gizzy. I'm repeating alot, but like a lot of us, I thought it made me better too. I thought I got more done, was able to deal with life's stresses better, be calmer with my kids. And of course I was happy. I realize now I was really depressed and it was easier to pop a pill than admit something like that and admit I needed help. I cringe when I think about how long I told myself that these pain pills were OK to continue. My surgery was LONG over and I would still say, well it hurts. Or I'd find another ache or pain to give myself the excuse to use. Eventually, I didn't need an excuse and just needed them to cope, but somehow, that was OK to me by then (???). As the use escalated, I continued to think how much better a person I was and how much more I got done. I took two weeks off as "vacation" when I decided to get clean. And when I went back to work and looked at everything, I realized how crappy my work had gotten. The drugs are such good liars! It took me months to clean up my own messes.
i felt very justified to use...after all they made me happy, energized, confident and all that other false baloney...i felt i was worth the drugs...ha...towards the end i found every reason imaginable to pop pills....the pills told me i wouldn t be worth a $hit unless i took more...i won t have fun unless i take more....i won t have as much energy cleaning the house...all false thinking...it so awful what drugs do to the human mind....i m so glad i decided to let these lies go...great post gizzy...maria
lol betterdays....how true when in wd about the days going slow; remember that well. It does get better as each day passes.
Keep the Faith in Yourself and You'll Always Be OK...
The sad part is, once and addict always an addict. I believe it will get easier, but a constant struggle for alot of us for a very long time. I took pills a prescribed for a year, but abused for two years. went ct lots of times and even kicked it for about 3 months. I am so ready to kick it for good this time. It seem that the days go soooo slooow. Good luck to all of you.
My Meds were prescribed. I knew that they were addictive, but I thought,,,won't happen to me! I don't really know exactly how I reasoned that out, but gradually I stopped caring. I accepted that I might need to be on the drugs for the rest of my life ( that's what my GP said ). It didn't occur to me that I might get my supply cut off because my Md.'s were so free with them. When I started to need higher doses to cope with the pain I got nervous. Friends commented on the change in my and I began to question the wisdom of continuing the pain meds. I didn't even take the allowable protocol of 40mg a day most of the time, but I still got addicted after 3 years of use. I now know that I didn't really understand addiction/dependence.
The negative impact on my mind and body was no less damaging because I was taking them for legitimate pain. Drugs don't care why or even how much.
Five years ago the pills were just what I needed, both physicaly and mentaly. They eased my pain and I could function as a wife and mom. After four yrs, the tolorance started and I thought I needed more. I think it is a common misconception, but I didn.t know how opiates worked, I just did not understand them. Now I do, but not until I came here and read hundreds of posts and asked questions. I had a hard time understand physical addiction and just plain addiction. Some say that if you take it for pain it's okay. WRONG, it's only okay if you take it as directed for pain. I was at the point where being discusted with myself took over and I decided to quit and I did. Now,......... here comes the craving part... I had no idea that I would want the pills again after detox....... Man!!! so dealing with the craves and depression has been a major deal with me. And I am not alone, am I ?
Fastforward to now, nearly 4 months clean and the craves come less frequently than the first 3 mos. or so. I hope my brain receptors are not burnt-out and are healing so I will continue to wait with hopes to forget the cravings with time. I did not use a crutch, drinking beer or wine or other is not for me, it makes me so very depressed and I hate that, don't need that. I don't smoke pot. Hey, I guess I have no fun in life.lol. Hugs to us all :)
I did not abuse pain pills, my drug use was recreational and selfish. When i found cocaine there was NO control and it was not prescribed obviously. My mind completely changed and I made up crazy and foolish excuses to continue my use. I am clean over 200 days, but will always be an addict, just one that no longer uses. There are many here that became physically dependent, but not all are addicts, there is a difference. I hope your doing well. Take care.
Ty for the feedback everyone!
well i have to disagree a little. when i began taking the pain pills, it was not a lie that they were making me better. without them all i could do was to barely get through my job each day and the rest of the time spent on the couch in pain. so i could not even take care of my self properly. after i had them, i could fix good things to eat, work out to strengthen my back and have a social life which took care of the depression of being in pain all the time.
BUT- it did not come without attachments. like dependancy....brain damage....hearing loss.....weight loss.........screwed up digestive system...and i am sure you know all the rest.
that is why this drug (vicodins) is so dangerous.
I too looked at others that were happy and would think how can you be smiling and happy......you arent messed up. How did i justify it?? I did whatever i had to do to feed my addiction.....I lied, i limped(at the docs office) i was superwoman and nothing was going to come between me and my drugs. I didnt care who you were, if you had drugs they would eventually be mine.......geez reading this now i was a real a$$!!!! Now that i am clean i see things so different......No more lies, and that is the big thing. It feels so good to be honest about everything now. No more hiding from the truth.....no more pills, i have friends now, real ones, no more game playing with anyone and the list goes on. I have me now. After 48 yrs i finally am figuring out what makes me tick and i actually like this person!!!!! Ahhh life is good.......
I am also grateful for this past year. Thank you to all who have been on this journey with me..........
gizzy.......great post as usual......we will discuss the brain damage later!!!!!!!!! LOL mp
gizzy, I have had those thought many times in the past! Often wondered how other people could be so happy and not be using some drug.
Those lies will continue to drag us down until we get a handle on our addictions and problem and work things out in our minds.
I simply thought I could not function normally without drugs or booze.
I am grateful for this past year and the sobriety that had come with it.
wow just reading that reminded me how i was when i was using...I wondered the same thing on how other people were so happy...I used to feel that i wouldn't make it through the day without using something...But that's normal when using...
You have been such an inspiration in my recovery even no im not that far in, Im really great full that there is people that actually care enough to help :)
At frist I said its ok cuz the Dr gave it to me for pain, and I was in bad pain, and still am. But then as depression ste in, and lost my job, truck house and all self respect, My justification was if I keep taking it like I am I will soon OD and die, and that was my goal, so I took more and more and more, then started drinking on top of my pain meds my soma and my kolonipin, and drank until i pass out everyday hoping to not wake up. Im so glad I have failed at a lot of things I tried know what I mean?? PS I have me back now and im doing great off drugs.