Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Keep Messing Up

Hi All,

I've been on here for a while, I go good for a while then always f it up.  The problem was, I had two doctors that were supplying me pretty much endless supplies of high strength opiate painkillers for quite some time.  I've been an addict for about 5 years.  Just recently, the two doctors found out about each other, and needless to say, I no longer have any avenues to score.  I guess the difference is, although I've always wanted to quit, I always had that temptation.  Now that I no longer have it, I'm hoping it will make the mental challenge easier.  As many of you know, the physical WD is awful, but the mental WD is living hell.  I'm not so much asking a question as I am just venting on how bad this ***** lol.

7 Responses
Avatar universal
I know how you feel.  I'm day 6 with low dose of subx, off perks, and want to give up.  I know I shouldn't and I have screwed it up in the past before to.  This seriously *****...you are not alone.
1636392 tn?1302710688
I definately hear you on this. I was heavy opiate user for over 4yrs. I see you live in Providence (which as I know is a bad spot to be when it comes to those kind of things....well really there is no "perfect place" to get clean) I was such a heavy user that I could not seperate the mental and physical on my own. I didnt research Methadone but I started in Sept '10....I finished in March and this mnth the 16th will be a month im clean (completely in my opnion...i don't feel I was clean on methadone since it was a subsitute) I had a HELL ON EARTH when I was first detoxing from only 5mg of methadone. Your very right though,...mentally if your there you can beat the physical. It's no joke but if you really find that your done letting this **** run your life you have to make some big changes...but it's worth it trust me! If you ever need to vent definately let me know cause I have been there and back (just like you) and truly people here helped me realize I wasn't alone. Get it out....I bottled up and hide so much **** that by the time I started detoxing I relaized what I had done with my life and never wanted to take the easy way out again! Best of luck to you! YOU CAN DO IT :)
1436228 tn?1328053960
it does help when you supplies dry up or u cannot get enough to stay high.
I am just starting to live being straight and it took over five months.  try to stay strong  cause there is sorta an end in sight.  It might be longer than you like but then again we were addicts a long time.
good luck
Avatar universal
the mental part is by far the hardest part... trust me, i know after struggling for 4-5 years getting worse and worse going through detox, then "doing a few", then back on the merry-go-round.  I really suggest you dive into aftercare/counseling/AA or NA. Only thing that started working for me out of desperation. The temptation is very hard to resist with opiates, cutting off your supply is one way and you could use that as motivation to finally get clean but you have to WANT to be clean... because there is always a way to find pills.. they find you it seems.  Put as much effort into staying clean as you did using and you have a much better chance at staying that way.  

hang in there, it is hard i feel your pain and been there, done that.  Check your ego and maybe hit a meeting and meet people that have been right where you are...
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone.  It definitely helps to see people that have longer term success rates.  I find myself envying my friends that I know will never know this problem lol.  I've determined that the greatest mental obstacle for me is a feeling of, absolutely nothing to look forward to when I wake up in the morning.  Let me rephrase, I have the best daughter in the world, friends and family, I just think I will forever miss that feeling that only opiates can provide.  I'm sure time will make it better, like anything else people struggle with.  Thanks again to everyone that took the time to read my post and reply, it definitely makes all the difference in this process.
495284 tn?1333894042
I am always grateful to wake up in the morning.  Many people dont.
1525404 tn?1291914516
I used to have that same feeling when waking up. If I didn't have pills then there was no reason to face the day.
What I failed to realize as an addict is that great go get'em feeling that the pills initially gave me wore off and I really wasn't feeling that great looking back on it.

I'm 153 days clean and I amazed at how much energy I have and how much fun I'm having every day without pills. Never thought life would be like this without pills. Now I'm left wondering why I ever took them to begin with.

I wake up feeling good, look forward to the day, have great interactions with the people I'm around. Once you get yourself clean mentally and physically it all starts to come back.

You can do this. It's so worth it. Hard, but worth it. Good luck.
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495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
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