Life after addiction

[stilltrying1965]

Iv been clean a while now and I'm proud of that. But were are we after the easy part

Well I don't know its still hard its confuseing. I don't feel great as I hoped I would iv got some other issues.
I hoped it would all get easier but it doesent not for me. The guilt of it all the depression and its still the same.
I have spoken with my doctor about anti deppressents and he wont help me with that. But he will not help me get off my vallium either says I need them for my epilepsy. My life does not get any better. Were I stay there are drugs everywere most probably the same were you stay. I need to get out of here to protect myself iv asked my housing assosation for a move and I cant get one. So I'm stuck here and don't trust myself around here weak most probably. Anyway if I ask for help there,s none Why do the people I care about feel that life after addiction should be ok well its not I have told everyone in my life that its still hard but they don't understand were I'm coming from. How can I do this when I cant get the fear of relapse out my head. The only person is my drug councillor she gets me. So I still have that fear that I will fail I have failed every other time so why should it be different now or is it just me . Am I the only one who feels like that. I do have a life its not great but its my life.  If I could get an other house would it all change as drugs are everywhere. I just want a normal life I want to be confident when I go out I don't want to be stuck in my house just because I'm scared of relapsing. Is that fear normal ? Iv done everything I can to stop me from failing. I don't know how its ment to get easier when you fell theres no one wants to know you or help you. My doctor seems to know best. But we live in two different worlds. So is there life after addiction ? Thanks for lisening

[dominosarah]

Is there anyway you could find a different doctor?

[stilltrying1965]

Sarah I cant get another doctor I have tried the one I have its like I can only see him for my script. I have tried to talk with him but he says hes only there to give me my script. So every 10 weeks I see him but he wont listen to anything I have to say. As I chose to use drugs He is not intrested. sad but true. So I just have to get on with it. If I try to talk to him he tells me my 10 min appointment is over. So its n uphill struggle with my doctor

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you Vickie , I will go to the library and look for the book as I also think it will help me understand things better. I just feel like I'm stuck in a bad place and cant get out. Since i left the safety of my mums house and came back to this place I feel its would be so easy to fall back to my old ways. Its like when you get rid of those phone numbers and so on. Here were I live you don't need a phone I can walk out my front door go two up and be able to get what ever I wanted. That's why I need to get a move I have told my doctor who is not very supportive. My drug councillor is supportive and has given me letters to give to the housing officer but my doctor who could help me more wont even give me a letter. So I'm stuck in this place were its easy to get drugs geez the police wont even come into my neighbourhood that says it all. They put everyone here as it must be easier to keep all the dealers in one place That's why I feel trapped cant get out my own house as I'm scared that I make another bad mistake. I wont but I have to stay indoors. Don't get me wrong there are lots of nice people here aswell and I feel for them they are also scared. Its like everywhere it has good and bad. But its hard to stay here for me anyway.

Anyway I'm going to look for that book sounds very interesting and I love to read books its one thing I enjoy. But not my useal book I true stories and a bit of fiction a good story with a twist lol. But will look for it when I take this book back as I cant go on living like this me and Kim are up in the morning get the dog into the car and away to Kims mums just to get out this place

I have a few hobbies but love to take my grandsons to the football on a satarday to support our team Celtic I love the football Jamie and Jay are also hooked on Celtic they love it football on satarday. That's like going to a different world I would say normal to someone who has never been addicted no one knows me there and don't have to hide from people.  Just want to be as normal as I can be not a lot to ask.

Thank you Vickie for the support and helping me too and I will get hold of that book, do you think I could get it on the internet ? if not the library

Again thanks Vickie and bless you

[onthefence]

i still fight this addiction everyday James, you are not alone, i try to take when i have feelings of hope and ride it as long as i can, then i try to have faith that things will get better.I havent the answers , but am glad your around to talk with, and know there is someone else out there that feels as i do :)

[VICourageous]

Hi James,
I am on the new format, so I hope this works. Sorry it is so long.
Well we didn't get this way over night, so we do not get over it right away. I have been studying the map of the brain for 4yrs now and found a book that I REALLY think would help you. It is called "Healing the Broken Brain" by Elden M. Chalmers Ph.D.. I will just talk a bit about it so you can understand some of it. Our messages are processed in the Brain and sent to different parts of the body through nerve cells. Each nerve cell is made up of a center called the nucleus, the surrounding fluid called cytoplasim and a boundary called membrane. Extending from this membrane, many little fibers called dendrites receives messages, and one long sending fiber the axon, transmits messages to the cells. Between the cells are synapse. We end up building these miniature buttons and they too secrete various chemicals..acetylcholine. Dr Williams tells us that our established HABITS make a literal pathways through the nervous system. He reminds us that FREQUENT REPETITION of the same THOUGHT, FEELINGS or ACTION wears a Deeper "GROOVE" in our Brain, just like walking over and over a lawn and wears a deep path. Or as the video I watched about the Pleasure Brain (Mid-brain), explained it as grooves in the rocks by the rushing water that once went over or through the canyons.  The fact is that every thought, feeling, or act repeated is producing Physical and Chemical Changes in our Nerve Pathway. We can build new pathways in the brain by Consciously Choosing to make a different response to a given situation then what we had been doing. Doing this new way of forming new habits will build more boutons (buttons) on the new pathway then we have on the old ones. WE choose another route!!!! When we resist the Temptation to do wrong, another chemical such as GABA is secreted which immediately puts the Brakes on.
I will not go on any deeper, but it just goes to show us that it WILL take TIME for us to forum New Habits and Change our Brain chemistry. Make a New habit of every regular task-daily ones, weekly, monthly and yrs. Tie them all together to something else you do that you will never forget. See yourself performing this habit before hand.
Speaking from my own experience, and I will have 4yrs this Saturday, I had to make so many new changes. Eating foods that help me get energy and stay stronger, to taking vit/min for energy and ones to calm me down. Getting out of the house and getting involved with many things here in town has helped BIG time. Maybe join a gym, work with ppl, volunteer at a animal shelter or so fourth. Staying in our own head can be a VERY dangerous place. I think it is harder for us that had used some kind of substance most of our life. Even if it was because of the Environment back in the later 60s or 70s, or just to get High or Come down, go to work, or work our ash off getting things done around our own homes, or everyone else was trying this new drug, on & on. But for me it was when I got the opiates in the later 90s that got me so hooked that I could not walk away anymore. Even if it is for pain, we build a tolernce up so fast that we need more and more.  Any reason, it still is a progressive disease and it takes time to get there and time to heal or change.  SO maybe get out more and enjoy the Sun & Music with a bit of Exercise. Pick up a new hobbie, read or do cross word puzzles, garden, go out and take some beautiful pictures and frame them. Any little bit we do to build or rebuild our brain back up. It takes some working at but it can be done. Hit some AA/NA or Church along the way.
Hang in James, YOU have come to far this time and also we both payed the price by having some Heart issues too. Take it all as a wake up call and that we have been Born Again. I will be sending a Prayer out, hoping you can find a better place to live. Always wear your Armour and Guard Up at all times. I find that my Bible Studying has been the best yet, out of any thing else I have done, although all of the other things have gotten me this far. Always redirect that stinken thinken and it will pass.
Bless U
Vickie