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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Life after stopping PKs

I've been taking oxys for 3 years now. Started with my wisdom teeth and then realized how great I was when using those pills how amazing I felt, etc you guys get it.

I'm off of them for 5 days today and it's the longest I've gone without them in the past 6 months. Most I would take was 100mg through out any day. My withdrawals were practically none and that's all thanks to Clonidine.

However the clonidine might have done away with the shivers and sweats, etc. but I still feel like how the hell am I going to have fun again? Do I really need a support system after? I'm getting married in 1 month but I don't want to tell my fiancé now and take away from her happy times. I'm excited for it too though but I just am so scared that I'll fall back in the cycle. I don't want to. I'm sick of it. I've lost 2 siblings in the last 6 years and I really am so ashamed that I am acting this way over a damn pill.

First time posting here, maybe it will be nice to use this site.
12 Responses
Avatar universal
I don't know how to edit original post. I'm 25 yrs old, no WDs currently, just trying to see if people have stayed clean without a recovery system - by that I mean meetings/psychiatrist (I met with a shrink last week and he said he doesn't know anyone that has gotten off pills without suboxone and rehab but I refuse to take methodone or sub). I've opened up to my doctor, closest family relative, and want to with fiance after wedding.
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
First off........you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!
Secondly, it IS highly recommended that we get into some type of recovery after we w/d and quit taking drugs and alcohol.  Are you attempting to get clean all the way around?  
Thirdly...the dr you spoke to......is full of ****!  Many people get off of pills without just "moving over" to another synthetic replacement medicine. That's a total farse...don't get sucked in.  
If I can....may I ask how you lost 2 siblings? Did they pass away from addiction is what I'm wondering?
1 Comments
I've drank once this week and it actually made me think more about how bad I need to change my life and get clean with the pills at least. I've also used thc oil after work to take the edge off but neither of those substances have made me want more PK or anything. I don't mind the alcohol or weed. I just really want to stop the PK. Yeah, he kind of discouraged me if anything. I don't have time for rehab to "get" clean and I'm clean 5 days. My issue is staying clean. This is longest I've done in 6 months. It's never been more than 3 days :/. My siblings both had a rare disability, a true disease where they were handicapped and stuck in their bodies all their lives. What I'm going through is nothing comparable to what they did so I need to do this not just for that but I have to. I don't think I've hit rock bottom but I'm so scared of it.
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
I was asking b/c if their passing was due to addiction, I was going to say perhaps you need to open your eyes. But that's not the case....and I'm very sorry you lost 2 people so close to you.

I guess I'm kind of on the fence with your situation?  If using clonodine to help with the w/d are you planning on stopping now.  If using the THC oil, are you planning on discontinuing it?  Is it not possible for you to put a mood changing/ mind altering chemical in your body to feel ok? Constantly having to take the "edge" off....I'd start wondering where this edge is coming from?  I stayed on dope for way longer then I should have and the first few months I felt so freakin uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn't know what to do with myself?  I couldn't understand it? Aftercare or recovery helps people learn how to cope (withOUT the use of drugs and alcohol)....it also taught me how to grow up.  How to make good decisions....how to think before I speak!!! (This was a big one for me :)  IMO....stay clean from all drugs and alcohol for 90 days....readdress this topic then.  What's 90 freakin days ..... it's a blip.....Stay clean long enough to give your body and brain a little time to heal and see how you feel at that point.
1 Comments
Thank you. The clonidine I have stopped using because that just got rid of my physical withdrawals from first 3 days. As for weed and alcohol, I've done those before the pills recreationally and I figure I'll probably do them still. However, I never thought about it the way you put it. Since I'm getting married in a month I already know I'll be drinking (a little) that night/more so the weekend of it. But that's something I will consider to do, 3 months isn't so bad.

On Monday I'm going to check out NA meeting in my area. I already looked it up on the website. I can just walk in?

Do you miss using? Do you feel much better that you have quit drugs? If I want to be better at my life, and I know I have potential, I just cannot touch another pill. I used to think that I could just do it on weekends (first 2 years I did that) but that self control is gone. Doesn't work anymore I feel like?
Avatar universal
Hi, welcome. I just read through this thread. I agree w/ my pal Motye. I want to add that it's a well known part of being in AA/NA that if you work the program, the desire to use leaves you. I can tell by all your questions you are terrified of life w/o drugs. Good. That's where you should be. It also proves that you have a problem. Remember, non addicts don't struggle to go 5 days w/o oxy and keep it from their fiance.

No one would stay clean if they were missing drugs. I did what you did and boy did I want to try ANYTHING but go to meetings. I could get 3 days clean here, 5 days there. I think I once went two weeks w/o pills. This went on for years. I finally was SO sick and tired of that sheet that I just gave up. Totally surrendered. I have 3 years and 2 months clean. I could only do it w/ a program. You end up learning what's REALLY going on w/ you and why you are so attracted to using. It becomes a whole lifestyle overhaul. Again, no one would stay if it sucked.

Please get really honest w/ yourself. I bet you know the right answers if you are willing to look. Also, you need to tell your fiance. As a woman, I cannot tell you how infuriated and devastated I would be if my future husband held back something like this. It's so unfair and selfish. She probably knows something is not right w/ you anyway. They always know.

Keep posting:)
1 Comments
Thanks for your reply. I've definitely realized this is a problem. I did those 2/3/4 days of clean and back into the cycle I go past couple months. This last time I took, 6 days ago now, I just was so disgusted with myself. I felt so dirty that I am doing this to myself. Almost as if I'm keeping myself from who I should be? Especially after what I have been through in my life, I don't and neither do people around me, don't deserve it.

I guess I am cautious about this meeting but I think I should go. I don't want to tell my girl until at least after the wedding. I think personally I will be okay for the next month. I've promised a close family relative I won't use. After the wedding I don't mind telling her because I have found that I need control in my life. I'm good at controlling things- but this one not good enough- so I hope my future wife will be supportive in me to help myself stay clean!

Another issue is I don't think I will have time to go to NA every day? Bad timing for me now, getting married in a month. I don't know if it's crucial on how often you go?
Avatar universal
Of course it's your choice, but I cannot tell you how strongly I disagree w/ your choice to withhold that info until after your wedding. It's extremely manipulative and very selfish. What are you so afraid of?

It doesn't matter if you are getting married, getting divorced, having a baby, employed, unemployed, it's NEVER a good time to work on getting clean. We addicts make sure of that. That what our addiction tells us: "You're fine, you've got other things to do, it's not so bad, I'll just not use." Those lies keep us safe in our little bubble. They keep us from not facing what we need to face.  I will just say, go, just go to your first meeting. Raise your hand as a newcomer and listen. Also, if I had a nickel for every time I "promised" I wouldn't use, I'd be a zillionaire.

Best of luck to you, let us know how it goes.
2 Comments
Because it's 1 month away and I think the selfish thing to do is tell her about my issues which like you say have been MY choice so why should I take away from this amazing time of her life because I'm struggling through this. She doesn't need this stress on top of everything else. I have to put my big boy pants on and do this for myself right now and let her know soon that I want to stay clean.

I want to stay clean so bad I really do. I want to go to that NA meeting Monday. I hope that will be helpful too.
Because living with a Drug Addict is hard and heart breaking. You are a addict and if you do not acknowledge and start to get real with it and your fiance it will destroy your and hers life That is what active addiction does. It lives in your secrets in your lies so Yes it is necessary to break her heart. More then likely she will still marry you as she has No idea of the horrors of addiction. Congrats on your clean Now do something to ensure it. I wish you a yours a honest happy life. lesa
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for the response, Lesa. It's nice to hear different opinions from those that I could relate to.

In the past 6 months I increased my usage so much that I started to realize that this behavior made me feel so bad about myself. I'm torturing my body. It hasn't affected those around me.....yet but I want to avoid that at all costs. I'm sick of taking them to feel great but then planning when to get more or take more, it consumed my mind. I'm 1 week clean now and I really don't have desire to use however I will remember the feeling they gave me from time to time but then I tell myself that I cannot chase that anymore.

I think someone not knowing the horrors of addiction could also be a not so good thing. I fear some people will not sympathize with people who "chose" to use like I did. I cannot make excuses for myself anymore. I wake up every morning with my body, health, working, etc., why should I not be thankful for that. I am planning on a NA meeting tomorrow because I want this feeling to continue (not wanting to use)...
3 Comments
It is Imperative that you be Honest with your Finance. You do not want to start a Marriage on a lie our a omission of truth One that will effect her directly. The thing with addiction is it is for life you do not just walk away after 3 years of habitual use It does not work that way I wish it did. Addiction is for Life AA NA are a way to manage your addiction. Maybe after years you will feel comfortable but I have seen others fall after many years. You are so new to getting clean and learning truly what addiction is. It is Deadly Serious Your soon to be wife has a right to know. What do you care what others think They do not matter what matters is the truth the trust that you need for a marriage to work. Prove that you love her and put her above your needs. No more excuses just do the right thing..
I agree with you I do. I'm working my way into telling her. I don't think I will tell her 100% of the severity of my addiction but I will tell her sooner than later. I have decided on that.

On the other thing you said, that's what I fear so much. I've read, just on this website, people commenting or giving answers saying "yeah I went 10 years without pills then I fell into the cycle." Omg that just kills me. I really want to avoid that. I truly fear it and I guess I'm really annoyed that I've done this to myself- an ordeal to live with for forever. I hope one day the desire to use truly, truly leaves me. But that's one of the reasons I even thought to myself that I need to tell my fiancé. I want her to be able to be part of that "recovery" support because I want to have her beside me every minute! Talking about it to you guys helps too.
I'm glad it is helping I really em I'm also very relieved you are going to tell. Getting clean is about being honest learning to deal with emotions.. With a Marriage a new wife this is a lot of stress and stress on a addict is not pretty so you will need her support but you have to give her a choice she has a right to this as a human being. You are where you need to be to get clean you are humbling yourself. We addicts talk a good game but when it comes down to it we are just scared. It is ok You will feel much better about yourself for being honest It will free a lot of guilt and open the discussion. The sooner you get started the sooner you both can learn to live and work your recovery.. This way she may never feel the horrors this is my Prayer..
Avatar universal
I agree w/ everything Lesa has said. I am so glad you are going to tell your fiance. That is the definition of "man"ing up. And this I can promise you, if you work the program (NA or AA) you will lose the desire to use. I never thought that could happen to me. But it just kind of leaves w/o you really noticing. In any case, get thee to an NA meeting. You will feel so better being around all the people that have the same issue as you:)
3 Comments
That's how I feel or at least fear- I'm 8 days now clean and generally I don't have desire to use but I'll think about it a lot and I'll say no to myself no way not again not now, I'm done with that process. I'm nervous about NA meeting and im not sure I can commit to that, the ones in my area are 90 min long and start late (can't during the day because of work)
It is never a good time to take care of our addiction. Go to a meeting 90 minutes is not that long Just sit there Nothing to be nervous about in fact I'm sure you will feel comfortable for you will identify with many there. They are not like you think down on their luck drug addicts. Addiction is all of us accountants housewives cops hell mom and dad they all share one thing in common they want to stay clean. The chances of you failing without recovery are very high so cut those odds MrJonesK ok
Ok that one line you said kind of hit a part of my conscious. I take it there are people in these meetings kind of in the same scenarios as you guys giving me advice? I understand that could be beneficial to listen in on.
Btw- does anyone have experience or knowledge on when does an abusers brain start to release its own endorphins after quitting PKs? I've read where people have moments of noticibility of this occurrence happening after 3 weeks..
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
MrjonesK.....you've been given some fantastic advice ALL from people that have been exactly where you are now.  I had to come clean to my husband and 4 children and talk about scared....holy ****!  What was funny though, was that they all already knew.  That's how well I was hiding it.  
I started N/A as soon as I could (about 3 weeks after starting detox b/c before that I was so sick I couldn't function) and I've never looked back.  I have 3 years 8 months clean from opiates and suboxone and if it sucked....I wouldn't still be going!  Future tripping is normal i.e., what about drinking at my wedding, going out with friends, etc...  don't worry about that now....worry about today and today only!  The gift I've been given of not having to worry about when my next dr's appt is, where is my freakin dealer (is he in town or offshore), how many do I have left.....fudge rupple....it was like running on a hamster wheel...round and round going nowhere!!!!  My growth as a person stopped when I started using.  

Keep on posting and let us know how it's going because we all want to see you succeed!!!

Much Love..
Melissa
1 Comments
Thanks so much! I'm on day 8 now clean. Longest since probably dec 2015. I feel really good. I'm also sick of that process of contacting people, waiting for them, going to pick up so often, I kept thinking about that even if I took a pill and felt good, so sickening when I think about it. I went almost 2 years taking them Friday-Sunday and before I decided to stop, I kept telling myself to get back to that control level but who am I kidding.

Almost 4 years? That's so amazing. I imagine that at that stage for me, I would feel amazing. I want to beat my addiction. No offense to you, and I hope I practice what I preach, but I wouldn't want to be an active addict when I have children. Ahh that just scares me lol but like you said, I'll just worry about today!!
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
Go read Voo Doo Childs post......
Avatar universal
Mr.Jones- Go to the NA meeting. Let us know how it goes.
Avatar universal
It's been 11 days now, I had forgot the # this morning and got all excited when I counted on the calendar at work. Haven't been craving it, but do think about it and currently I am telling myself that I cannot chase that feeling anymore, it's not right nor normal life. I hope that I continue with this mentality, I want to be able to forget about counting days and forget about thinking of the feeing altogether. After work (motivation is a little low with that but that's okay for now) I have been going to gym and/or weddin planning. I hope one day I can be someone on here that is helping someone with advice and have has years under my belt. Oh and I have yet to go to an NA meeting although I don't want to go because I don't even want to speak of PKs and the feeling they gave me/I don't want to have this subject around me but I'm still interested in checking out a meeting. Thanks for reading and replying guys!
Avatar universal
Mr. Jones- go to a meeting.
2 Comments
I am genuinely planning on it because I have to give it a chance. As many great things that I've read about people going, I've read "horror" stories too where people are there because they are forced, people brag about their using days, and others that leave those meetings wanting to use more and/or finding a new connect. Just the possibility of this happening turns me off to going. But like I said, I am still interested and I realize the above depends a lot too on the region, etc. And I will personally tell you how it is when I go!!
Think about this.....in the readings of N/A it its stated we are not interested in what you've done, who your connections were, or what you have done in the past........ONLY in what you want to do about your problems and how we can help.  Honestly, anytime I hear someone whine about how they didn't like NA its usually b/c somehow, someway, someone hit a nerve with them.  We don't discuss our using days....there is not bragging (are there idiots, yes) but if your genuinely there to find recovery....the people that are truly recovering will seek you out!  Don't pre-judge it.  I had the nurse at my "addiction" dr's office tell me NOT to go to N/A......that's b/c it's FREE!!!!!

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