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Lonely and Lost

I am so lonely and lost. I have alot of problems and issues in my life. Even im fed up with my life. Im always saying i should write a book about my life, or more appropiately, just have a film crew follow me around so anybody would even believe my life!!! I've learned to keep it all in, telling people seems to lead to disbelieve and then push me away. I've done this for years, just holding it all in, and then not being able to deal with it myself, I numb it all with opiates. And benzos and weed and antidepressants and hiding in the house not talking to anyone, just driving myself crazy with my kids and crazy parents in the house.  I do see a therapist, but other than that, i have nobody. Most of my friends had something to do with pills so i dropped them. Everyone else has decided im not worth it, and just have too many issues too many problems not enough answers, so I dont know, im trying to make it through alone, but if everyone else thinks im too much trouble unless im buying pills lol, that i just have too much going on, too many problems and not enough answers, I'm not worth it, maybe its true?? I've just been left alone with my thoughts...and my problems. And I think everyone is right, I just have too many problems and not enough answers or solutions. I don't even know how to start fixing all my problems. I'm lost. And full of problems. And trying to live in my own skin but geez its hard!
24 Responses
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Avatar universal
Tiger, doesn't your therapist help you with you problems? First of all the number one problem is drugs. The same as mine. I don't love myself either. You can't do anything, get a place to stay, job or anything else till you quit the drugs. Your going to have to make up your mind is it going to be the drugs or not. If you decide to quit we'll be here for you.  God bless
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Avatar universal
oh yeah, how are your ribs?
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Avatar universal
I've already made my choice. No drugs. It has just left me lonely no friends and alone trying to figure out all my problems.
OH and my broken ribs hurt so bad still! I can't really lay down so haven't been sleeping much. I can barely breathe it hurts so bad!
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Avatar universal
I'm glad you've made that choice! Sorry about your ribs. Can your 14 yr. old help you?
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1653969 tn?1390331661
Well congrats on your choice!!!! And how many days are you at now? Big accomplishment  there. Getting clean check off your list of things to do. As you know depression is such a HUGE part of why we use and comes on ten fold during detox , I wish there was an anti drepressent that worked quickly not weeks . You not sleeping and being in pain doesn't help but you will make it past this . I used to say the black clouds were rolling in because you can feel it building and building .
Not  really sure where I was heading with any of this lol but wanted you to know you weren't alone :-)
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Avatar universal
Tiger, I think the thing you need to solve first and foremost is your living arrangements. You have to get out of evil moms house and away from her stash of endless pills.  Please call human resources, womens shelters, etc. I think if you get on welfare and register as homeless they will put you and the kids up in a small apt or motel at least. Its not pretty, but it is a start.  Make a list of all the problems in order of importance to you and next to it list possible solutions. Work on ONE thing at a time. Whatever you do, DONT USE ok?  You are certainly not alone here. Lets see some progress and the team will be back to cheer you on. Come on. Work it. Look at the good only even if it is the teeniest tiniest good.
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5986700 tn?1380791380
Great advice msd.  Tiger you need guidance hon, you need help.  This is bigger than you can manage on your own.  I would be crying for help to whoever will listen now.  Someone in your state must be able to direct you.  Please put yourself out there, find a way into the system.  ......welfare, social services, women's shelter, doctor, priest, minister.  Please don't use.  Prayers hope
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
What do you and the therapist talk about?  Do you like this person?  I have told you before there is help out there but you have to seek it.  It is all about choices Tiger, either you continue to live in this misery or you stand up and take back your life.  You can run but you cant hide~

What happened to no matter what?
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Avatar universal
Tiger Lilly been thinking about you lots. Please update us and let us know how you are doing....
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Avatar universal
Hey! I thought everyone forgot about me or was mad, so I stopped posting, but I still read. I'm doing relatively ok. I did end up taking 7 of the lortab 5s the Dr prescribed for my broken ribs, I just couldn't take that pain! But I gave them to my dad and only let myself take 1 a day, in the morning when the pain was unbearable. And with the tons of opiates I was pouring into my body, I think I did ok. I didn't even take the whole prescribed 10! And now I guess 2 days with nothing. I really want to be clean from opiates! I have basically locked myself in the house so nothing else happens. I have no real friends, they are all on pills! Or something...
I did have a phone call today the most amazing lady that prayed with me and everything, made me feel awesome...you know who you are! :)
I'm trying hard to fix things, stay off opiates abs get a safe place to live. My kids are great, they are pretty sheltered and don't really know anything is going on. Thanks for checking on me and my kids!
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Avatar universal
Hey Tiger! This is great news. The fact that you are in the back drop lurking speaks volumes. I too have been thinking about you and wishing for peace and resolve. Have you found a local support system of some kind? Meetings, church, a councilor ? Keep at it. This recover biz is more often than not a process built on building blocks of past failures. Make your last set back be your last. And about the need for pills for your rib's, sometime we do need meds whether we like it or not. Just be diligent with tossing them when your done. Much luck!
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1970885 tn?1435860428
Sorry...I thought that you ripped up the script? Confused.
K
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Avatar universal
Thanks selfinduced! Yea I've been lurking big time lol! And yes I have a therapist and getting back into church and then going to try some kind of na or meetings. I picked up a flier at my therapist about a thing called celebrate recovery because they provide child care! And then on my awesome phone call today, it was mentioned. That's some signs right there! She explained it more to me, I found the flyer and I'm really excited about trying it out now! And yea, I took the 7 pills for my rib, 1 a day, then got rid of the rest. I have Excedrin and Aleve and ibuprofen. Its not fun doing this with broken ribs but hopefully it will remind me to never go through this again. I'm hurting still pretty bad with the ribs and now in a kind of wd, not fun, but necessary and doable! I will beat these pills and with god and support I will break free from the chains and bondage of addiction!  
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5904477 tn?1390245415
I am with Kyle...you stated you ripped the prescription up at the hospital. Did you find another doctor that will give you pain pills?  
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Avatar universal
Only you know what you are doing and the truth. You can tell us anything. We are just here to help when we can! We all mess up and make mistakes but the truth will set you free...
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Avatar universal
Good for you. You know the w/d will be over before you know it, then it's time to get on with the healing. You sound really strong . Try to surround yourself with positive people right now that can aid in your recovery efforts. It'll make all the difference to getting you well so you can be the mom you desire. One step at a time. Proud of you girl.
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Avatar universal
Hey Kyle! I've missed you! And yes I did rip up the script they gave me at ER, went a few days and I was in so much pain, you don't realize how much you use your ribcage until its broken. Breathing, sleeping eating moving sitting walking everything hurt. So I told my regular Dr, who knows everything about me exactly what happened. She convinced me that even though I'm an addict its crazy to go through pain with nothing. She knows my situation and we agreed to a small script of 10 lortab 5s like the original one I ripped up. Since I never filled that one I was fine filling this one. Even though I know I was in pain, and even my Dr who knows I'm an addict and is totally against narcotics, usually refuses to write any narcotic script at all ever told me I needed it, and I took it responsible, I still feel guilty. But it is what it is. I'm clean and I plan on fighting and surrendering at the same time to STAY clean. I'm on dat 2 of no opiates at all again, but I'm in it to win! I'm coming back stronger than before, because I've been through it all, but I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor! And we all know what doesn't kill you makes me stronger! And I'm feeling strong and ready to rock recovery!!!
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1970885 tn?1435860428
Good. I was worried AND confused, and as you know, that's not good for an addict. (Didn't Led Zeppelin do Dazed and Confused?). Anyway, you need to focus on the positive, and believe it or not, there are positive pieces in everyone's life, no matter what has been thrown at them.
You have been tested; you've wavered, but now you seem to be back on the road to recovery, and that's important. No matter what else is going on around you, if you're clean you can handle it with a clear head and solid resolve.
K
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242912 tn?1402543492
Hey girl...sounds like pills are just the tip of the iceberg, Tiger.  You gotta cut out the benzos and weed, too.  Both those cause emotional mayhem.  Trust me, honey, I know.  Many might disagree about the weed, but I can't be the only person who it destroys mentally.  Between the benzos and weed, the weed is the easiest to cut out of your life completely.  Let's start today, what do you think?
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7142627 tn?1391403042
Yeah, weed can definitely screw with your mind. I know plenty of people who have been affected.....
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Avatar universal
Yea, I've been tapering the benzos for awhile with my Dr, I'm down to 2 .5mg a day now, my next appt is beginning of February, and I'm guessing we will do the final drop then, down to none. And I did quit smoking today too! I smoked for 2 days after the pills then I decided I might as well quit that! So soon I'll be totally drug free!!!!
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Avatar universal
Oh you sound so much better! Yay
Do not feel guilty for taking them responsibly for broken ribs! My gosh it's so painful just having them out of place, I can't imagine the pain when they are broken!  You didn't even take all that were prescribed AND you ripped up the first rx. I am so very proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself!
Keep "rocking" this recovery and keep up the positive attitude!
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Avatar universal
Thanks Kyle and smikes4eva! Your comments and things like that is what keeps me going! You are all. So awesome here at medhelp. There's no way I could just leave! Thanks to everyone that commented and has helped me through the fire! :-)))
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5347058 tn?1381188426
Great job on taking the pain pills as prescribed, and cutting down on your benzos. Hopefully soon you will come to a point where you can be totally substance free. I hope your ribs get to feeling better soon. I know how painful broken ribs are, and they take a long time to heal. I hope soon you feel good enough, and strong enough to start making some major changes in your life. Even one small change can give you more self esteem, strength, and help you to regain your power. For me it really helps to try to break everything down into small, manageable tasks. It keeps the anxiety at bay and helps you to see that even the biggest obstacle has a solution. Hang in there and keep fighting Tiger. Good luck to you.
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