Long time member-New Issues, please help!

[twolve]

A lot of you on here know me, a lot do not because I have noticed that this board has grown immensely since last summer when I started here. Last summer I quit an 80 mg/day oxy habit and I did it for my girlfriend, who was everything to me..this past year the pills obviously took their course and i started acting distant and before i knew it my girlfriend started to question our relationship, and she had always said she wanted to marry me. I am 23 we were together for 3 years and had something really special, and if it werent for pills we would still have something special. I will never forgive myself for allowing pills to run my life..anyway she broke up with me and i ended up confessing everything...i mean i broke down to her and told her everything..this made her literally hate me..she will not speak to me, she hates me...i cant believe it..i need her support in some type of capacity, but a girl who once worshipped me will not answer my phone calls..i was able to get some suboxone to last a few weeks and then i plan to jump off from there..i went a week with the subs and this all happened last night so ofcourse i turned to the pills today, i dont plan on continuing but seriously guys how am i supposed to go through this with a shattered heart? my world is completely upside down and i am walking around with an empty soul..i hate my life and i dont want to live it anymore..i am not contemplating suicide so dont get worried about that, i am not that type of person, but i just dont want to wake up tomorrow and deal with the same **** i have dealt with the last two days..its almost like my recovery is taking a backseat to my personal life,,which is prob not a good idea. I am back on this forum for good, its so helpful to me. Please help me guu

[Holliee]

STAY STRONG AND LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. MAYBE IF YOU GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND PROVE TO HER THAT YOU ARE CLEAN AND GOING TO STAY THAT WAY. SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE DOING GOOD. PROVE IT TO HER. YOU HAVE LIED TO HER SO SHE HAS NO TRUST BUILD IT BACK AND YOU CAN JUST DO A LOT HARD WORK. ...KEEP POSTING AND REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH IT...

[leeisgettingclean]

Man this was a very thoughtfull reply from you, it was right on and so true.

[dominosarah]

I am glad to hear you cut off the ties and have no pills.  I posted late too!!

You sound more optimistic today.  I lied about everything during my active days.  I am in the process of repairing a relationship with my daughter as we speak.  She has been so angry and bitter with me since i came clean to her.  I am glad i did tell her the truth but at the same time the truth came with consequences that i have had to deal with.  We cant do anything about the past as it is over and done with but we can do something about today and make sure we dont repeat the past.  Keep taking care of you as you are what is important.  Keep posting and stay strong        sara

[twolve]

Last night was late when I posted but I do not have any pills and have not used any type of opiate for the last week and a half, when i said i turned to pills i meant that i wanted to turn to them to ease my pain, but to be honest i cut off my contacts a week and a half ago when i quit so i would have had to go through a lot of people to find a number..i take a quarter of a suboxone every morning..i started with 5 pills and as soon as they run out i am on my own..i am hurt about my relationship but that is not affecting my recovery..if anything it is forcing me to continue and become a better person and prove her wrong..it just hurts me so bad that this addiction has made her hate me, when she loved me a month ago..i know i lied about it, i mean most people on here have lied about something during their addiction..i never stopped loving her throughout all of this, but i hurt her bad and will have to let her go..to be honest i dont wanna be with anyone that could turn their back on their loved one in his darkest hour..i will continue to post, but dont worry sarah there are no pills to flush, i am not going back there

[dominosarah]

Hey twolve.....You gotta get yourself together here.  Your girl is very angry and has every right to be.  Let her cool down.  Take this time to get yourself clean for you this time and the rest will fall into place.  Turning to pills is not the answer and you know that.  Your recovery has to come first.  All the pills are going to do is make you feel worse and what kind of relationship do we have with the ones we love when we are using?  You have to get honest with yourself first and foremost. Flush whatever meds you have in your possession.  Get into some type of aftercare and take care of you.  I know this is painful but we do this to ourselves.  Take control of your life now and your actions will speak louder than words.             sara

[TakingAction]

And you do not "hate your life."  Just the content of it right now, which is always able to be changed for the better.  I'm pulling for you friend!

[TakingAction]

Easy does it now.  Deep breathing, all that good stuff!

I can see you are in panic mode.  You are going to have to pull yourself together and take one issue at a time.  Relationships always suffer when drugs become involved.  You may not be able to forgive yourself just yet, but you can certainly start getting this mess cleaned up by taking responcibility and not using.  

I know how you feel.  I have been there.  But by now, I have learned that there is always tomorrow, always a second chance available to you.  This is only one moment of your life.  It will pass.  I have faith that you will come out of this situation with a true sense of exactly how strong you are.  When you take a new direction and begin making the right choices, good things will start to come your way naturally.  

Right now, focus on you.  The relationship you have with yourself will ultimately determine how much you are able to give in a relationship with another.  The past is done.  This day is new.  This day is yours.

Get going and do what you know you must.

Keep at posting, because you are so right about the help gained by being a part of this forum.  We are all here for you!

Yours,

Matt