Multi Addict - Feel no Ephoria. Why do I do it?

[Multiaddict]

I am at the worse point in my life.  I basically abuse alcohol, because that is easier to get.  I also have five to ten days a month where I blow through some T4's or oxy.  I can go through ninety t4's or 90 7.5 oxys in less than a week.  Then when they are gone I am back to my alcohol.  I do sometimes suffer lite withdrawals from the T4, but so far luckily not the oxy.  Each time I finish my pills, I am scared and nervous awaiting the horrible withdrawals.  That is where I am now.  I have been taking these drugs over two years.  I don't want to keep living like this.  I go through depression when the pills are gone anxiously awaiting my next refills.  I don't even understand why when they really only make me sleepy.  When I take them I suffer anxiety that I took too much and will OD or blow out my liver.  I guess in some way it must help me to escape reality.  I get the pills and say, this will stop me from drinking, then when they are gone, I am back to drinking.  The only reason I am sober now is I miscalculated.  No more pills and no alcohol in the house.  At 11pm, I started to get my four year olds dressed and make a booze run.  I guess tonight will be a night of no sleeping.  I do have some seroquel and gabapentin.  I took to see if that will help.  Right now, I am wanting a drink and checking my eyes in the mirror for signs of jaundice.  How messed up is that?  I am having a panic attack.  Yet, I can not honestly say I want to stop.  Like I feel what else do I have in my life like this is something.  I cannot understand!

[SuperRickHenry]

If I can ask where do you live...? I think ( if possible with child ) you should seed a treatment center.. I did a year.. Slipped a bit but it was quick and a wake up call..I was doin the same thing.  You need help my friend... Can your 4 year old go somewhere for a bit.. You'll see the baby but you need to find a inpatient hopefully free treatment... Thats why I ask where you live... I have a few idea's.. Also look online.. I'm serious you need to get somewhere to get some sober time under your belt.. For the baby's sake and yours..... Prayers your way my friend... Rick

[bahamamama13165]

Well you have to want to stop.  You really have to just get sick of the lifestyle.  Chasing a buzz, feeling tired and hung over.  Think of the money you'll save not buying alcohol.  Take that $ and join a health club.  Go to your local NA meetings.  You know your feel better.