Losing my resolve

[Cantdothisanymore]

not sure if i am posting this right. but on my earlier post I mentioned a call  about available vics..... its haunting me - how do I not give in? they were always so hard to get and now here they are practically f'ing gift wrappppppped! 6 days?   will it be this bad again if i give in for just a day or two?

[vicki595]

Hey...I posted on your newer post...

V.

[worried878]

How bad do u want this?
If ur heart is in it, and u r sick and tired of being sick and tired...caving at such an early date is not the norm..but we r all different
Number one rule when stopping is getting the pills out of ur face and outta ur reach?
R u testing urself?  R u sabatoging urself?  letting ur source know u quits be it DRs or friends, and flushing all in ur possesion is crucial to stopping this madness
Everyone has a different bottom..perhaps u havent reached urs yet..when u do u will know..it is a very eye awakening experience

If u dont really wanna stop..nuttin can really make u stop//not us or anyone else..if it is in ur heart to stop/u still may stumbel..but ur chances of making it go way up percentage wise
can u flush the pills u have access to?  it can be a very big motivator as u take control over the substance that controls u

[sunshine1109]

Oh please dont say that...i am living proof as are many on here that this can be done. I had those feelings in the beginning of my recovery it was a awful feeling but look back just a little while ago how good you were feeling, you are going to have ups and downs that is normal whether you want to believe it or not and you wont have to live the rest of you life like this, I have no cravings no triggers at all, I realize as individuals we are all different but I keep in contact with many of my peers who went through rehab with me and they are all doing so well it takes time they always said we didnt get addicted overnight so its gonna take time to kick this disease in the boo boo....your beginning the healing process so give yourself a break your doing great and your gonna get better and better, sure you will have those cravings from time to time but they to will pass..Keep your head up and I havent forgotten you I am here..I just had my cardiologist appt today and it kinda sucked I have things I have to get through but I will...it was a crazy stressful day....be strong..sunshine.

[Cantdothisanymore]

thank to you both. i am working through it but so damn tired. dont know that i even want to live if i have to fight this fight my remaining days. wow pathetic but true. kind of hope i dont wake up in the morning

[jstntime]

Hey,

You are NOT alone with that realization.  All it takes to relapse is a combination of access and a weak moment.  You have won twice but you can't win forever.  That is why while in recovery we need to ensure that access is not available because the weak moments are guaranteed to come.

You have done an amazing job thus far and have also been a great help to your friend sad.  You just keep keeping, you are doing fine!!!!

bob

[LeaAnn807]

Hey honey!  Start a new post and you will get some support!  These others are long anyway and old!  

I'm not forgetting you!!!  Keep your chin up!

[Cantdothisanymore]

see what I mean. noone talks to me on this post as i am always on sads post. it helps but seems i get a little forgotten. oh woahs me....sorry feeling a little left out.

[Cantdothisanymore]

hi all - wow its funny. i worry so about sad that i never really seem to post on my own thread. work was cool today. life is taking that turn for the better - i know this but i also know the cravings are killing me and i really believe that i will crash and burn - i have stayed strong twice - when i had a chance to score. not sure that 3 would be the charm for me. i think if i had 'em - i'd take 'em. am i alone with that awful realization?

[sunshine1109]

Way to go!!!!  You seem much better than earlier thats a good thing...so work tomorrow well thats good you will be busy catching up on all that work....I wish ya the best tomorrow and Ill be thinking and praying for you....youre gonna be A-OK.....Just remember like I always tell myself "One Day At a Time"....just keep on keeping on...Peace..

[Dav125]

Good job, glad to hear the day turned out better than you were thinking this morning. The timing with going back to work couldn't hit at a better time. Tommorrow you get something different to think about and keep your mind occupieed. Little by litte the thoughts of the pills will become a distant memory..I'm happy for you Cantdoit. Your going to make it..

Sleep well.

[Cantdothisanymore]

Going to try to rest. back to work tomorrow after this 8 weeks of living hell ( my last 9 clean days especially) but have to be up at 4:30 am and I am tired.

wanted you to know that day 9 - not so bad.  heres hoping 10 goes better.

night all.

[gnarly_1]

HI good to here your day got better...you will have days like this some good some bad some a little of both....you have to remember when your high on the pills every day is a ''artificial'' good day we think everything is fine when its not....you have to learn to embrace life on life's terms and that includes some bad days along with the good ones...right now your in the emotional stage of recovery...every little thing is going to light up your emotions some will be joyful some will seam like moments of dispare ...tears will flow easily and you wont have control over it...this is all normal for where your at right now just hang in there...remember your self talk when the cravings come around...I cant over emphasize enough on the importance of aftercare...NA/ or A/A would be a good place to start ...you will be around people that have been threw what you are going thew as well as people just starting out..you wont feel so lonely
having  support makes all the difference this forum is a help but you need more
YOU CAN DO THIS  just keep telling yourself that but also take the proper steps to make it happen....you got to want it bad...so bad your willing to go out of your comfort zone to get the help you need...trust me the meetings will really help you...you will always have us and we all want to see you succeed keep posting and reading the posts good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      

[Cantdothisanymore]

well this has been a roller coaster day. good moments and bad but more good than anything. wow...but guess what - i made it another day. again wow! tomorrow will be the start of day 10 and i am going back to work after 8 weeks off from my ankle surgery.  pray for me. i think i will be okay with all my clean working friends around not to mention my boss LOL and all the work that has most assuredly been piling up.  GOD this means I have to get up at 4:30 am tomorrow and get my butt moving sober?! OMG that is so intesely scary. stay with me people. I come here often to read ( dont always post - dont want y'all to tire of my babbing) but reading and sharing with you all is getting me through.

[Cantdothisanymore]

I just saw your notes you left me. cried as i read them, felt blessed for the support and the sincerity i know was in each sentance you typed to me...me?  i dont deserve you. STOP - thats what i would have said 9 days ago but today i realize that i DO deserve help and support and all that you give because i am worth it. the realization hits that I am an ADDICT and i want to put my tail between my legs and run and hide from the shame. Now I realize this was not all my fault. sure i am to blame for abusing them but these are nasty little evils that i know now are the fault of the drs and dealers that hook us on them. GODSPEED to us all and keep the notes and good thoughts coming.....i am not through this yet.

[Dav125]

Got to work on this spelling problem. This one finger probe on the keyboard doesn't keep up with my thoughts at times..Dum dee dummy me de dum (big smile)..InsPirational....

[Dav125]

You also don't realize how much of your inner spirit transends thru the site and is very insirational Cantdoit.Really, I mean that. Your kind words have far more impact than you know. They knocked on a few emotonal doors in me which haven't been openned in awhile..Pleasant good feelings..So THANKYOU to you too. :). There's a swirl of positive energy radiating out. Its good,,all good :).

[Cantdothisanymore]

dav - thanks so much - needed to hear that. i have no idea how i beat that temptation TWICE in one week. Wow

Tramahater no way do i want to ever live these last 9 days again. i watch you post on everyones thread - offerring your support - thats a gift and we all need you so thanks

megan.  i am just praying that the addiction is not more powerful for me.  i still have no energy and my pain ( had surgery 7 weeks ago on my ankle) level is rather high at the moment but i will work through it.

i just had some lunch tho it was tough and i am going to try and mow the lawn. send me your prayers.....i need them.

[Dav125]

Your doing great! You beat temptation again! Where do "YOU" find that strength???. See, you had it all along but under-rated yourself because you didn't have anything to compare it to. Well, look what you've done so far..Up and down days are going to be there but they will pass. I'm having a slightly off day too. Think its because I'm tired though. Last couple of days have been pretty busy. Been a long week for you so reward yourself today. Take a break,go wow I made it thru this week, and tommorrow is the start of the next..You can do this,,I'm convinced more than ever now :)

[MeganDowney]

Hi there,

I hope you are having a happy Sunday so far. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep and I start feeling frustrated about things (including not being able to sleep!) I think, "but look what YOU have done these past couple weeks. No matter how sucky I may feel in the passing moments, I have something INCREDIBLE that only I am responsible for accomplishing"

YOU are doing something so powerful and strong. It literally just brought tears to my eyes.

Keep it up. I'm right there with you too.  :)

Megan

[LeaAnn807]

You did the right thing!  Don't give in to someone like her and let her and her pills get back in control of your life.  You are the strong one who is in control now.  

Way to go on 9 days!  You don't want to go back through them, do you?  Just remember that...always!

[dominosarah]

That's right, you are not going to cave. You are in control of you now, not your addiction.  You dont want to support someone who is trying to kill you and that is just what that "supplier" is doing.  Get out and get some fresh air, take the dog for a walk, turn on the music and sing real loud!!  This all takes time to start feeling good but it does happen and when it does it is the best feeling ever.  Stay true to yourself and keep fighting~~sara

[Cantdothisanymore]

day 9 -why am i not pleased with myself? i should be right? ran into my "supplier" last night. stayed strong but feel weak now and wished i had scored when i saw her. how pathetic is that.  i am not going to cave i am not going to cave i am not going to cave......

[Dav125]

Your very welcome Cantdoit. To know that I was able to help you avert that first temptation is heck of a reward for me..Very happy here that I could help you..Thats great

[Khatzee]

I agree with sunshine1109.  YOU ARE DEFINITELY STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR!  Besides that, you have us behind you all the way.  One thing that they always say at aa is,  " we keep doing the same things, and expecting a different outcome."  How crazy is that?  It's the nature of addiction, though.  Once you are completely clean, you will be surprised at just how easy and freeing recovery can be:)