Lost but looking for me again...

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Ok so here I go...Ive been lurking for months!  Even feel like I know many of yall! (yes, I'm from the south...lol). I am starting day 1 without any Norco!  Been taking up to 20 a day for the past 6 months. I have been taking the demon pills for about 2 years!  I can't do this anymore. I started with real pain from my husband (now exhusband) pushing me out the window of our house!  I kept taking the pills to deal with the emotional pain of my shattered life. I have 2 awesome kids who deserve ME back!  So here I am, have not taken any today and won't take any. I have 5 in my nightstand that I keep yelling at. I won't take them as I hate them!  I figure if I can't quit with them right in front of me then I can't quit!  They are everywhere in this little town. I am a single mom of 2, a cancer survivor, and a good person so I know I am better than these stupid pills!  I am doing this alone so I need all the help, encouragement and honesty that yall can possibly give me!  My name says little girl but that is my size not my age!  I am 38 years young and weigh less than 100 pounds. I am naturally small as I eat everything but I know 20 norcos a day is way too much for this little body. I dont want to die!  I want me back!  Can yall help me find me?

[FourJays]

Thanks - and BTW you ARE a person to look up to.  You see all those things you did; the lies, the money, I did those things too.  Lots of addicts have done those things.  Opening up about it all adds even more accountability, a strong motivator for you, and really inspiring to a new person reading your story, wanting to quit.

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Julie, you were one of the first to teach out to me and I could never repay you for believing in me!  Telling my friend was so freeing!  I really thought she would end our 20 year friendship because I have told her countless lies. I have watched her daughter while high on pills!  I am not proud of the things I have done but I am proud of me right now!  Her giving me that hug just broke me!  Poor thing will have to wash her hair thanks to me crying on her shoulder!  Lol. She will make sure I am accountable!  I even gave her my debit card because I know the craving are getting worse!  I am calling my doctors and pharmacy tomorrow!  I will not leave a stine unturned!  I have to beat this just to prove to myself that I can do it!  God bless all of yall that take the time to help people like me!  Nothing less than than a Hero on my eyes!

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Vickie-thanks again for the encouragement!  I dont know if I should be anyone's inspiration!  I am fighting this fight just like everyone else!  I am 2 hours away from 100 hours!  Wow!  Didn't think I would go it. I am learning that a lot of this is a mental game. I have been married twice and have a teenage daughter so I can play mental games!  Lol.
I want everyone who thinks they are too far into this addiction to know the real me!  I have told countless lies to get my pills...have justified my actions to myself...have spent money that should have been for food for my kids...have lost a job over pills...have lost friends...have been hospitalized for my liver shutting down and hid my pills and took them in the hospital!  I am less than 100 pounds and could take 30 pills a day and I know that I should be dead!  But I'm here!  I am fighting this with all I have!  I lost myself along the way and to be honest with yall, I really missed me!  

Sorry about the novel but I feel better getting that off my chest!  I am not a person to look up to!  I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!  Thanks to all of yall who have helped me believe in myself when I had lost all hope!  Yall are my Hero's!

[FourJays]

Hey - so good to hear from you, and that you told your friend everything - that is huge!  Doesn't it feel so great to have that  burden lifted?  The stress of it alone.....It keeps you accountable too; which is just another way to help keep yourself on track. What a bummer about the flu, but at least you are getting it over all at once, right (good timing like u said)?  You stay positive and you will win this.  and I LOVE:

"I refuse to say Why Me so I am Saying Try Me!"

You are doing this! And you got the 100 down....

[VICourageous]

Oh Sissy you are too funny..We would have a blast..."Try Me" I like that..Hey and great way of thinking like that..Oh it is just a bad case of the flu.Well it is both..Oh you are a tough one..You are doing a Great Job..I still give this thread the thumbs up..It is one of the best ones I have ever read..Look at the new ones that you inspired all ready....Keep on keepin.... Hey them women are probably waiting for you to come back...
vickie

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Hey y'all!  Im still hanging in there!  Been sleeping most of the day! Dibjist keep telling myself that this is the flu not withdrawals to try and keep the cravings away!  I confided in my best friend of 20 years. I was scared to death as she is all about anti-drugs!  She hugged me and told me she loved me and that WE would get thru this together!  I cried like a baby!  I needed that hug more than anything! Im still hanging in and fighting this!  I have to win so I refuse to give up!  I believe that everything happens for a reason so I believe God gave me the flu to cover up the withdrawals!  I figure not much more can go wrong so bring it on!  I refuse to say Why Me so I am saying Try Me!