Lost

[magnummom]

2 years ago I fell down the stairs and ripped the tendons in my ankle.  I have been on percocets for over a year now.  In my mind, I am a strong person and would never believe I could become addicted to these pills.  After 6 months I was taking 10-12 a day and started feeling really bad.  My kidneys hurt, I was irritated, anxious, and cold sweats every morning.  I started wheening down and ran out of them,  went through severe withdrawl and it lasted over a week.  I was off them for 2 months and I struggled with depression and I wanted that good feeling again. Then I had to have surgery and there I was back on them, but I said I was going to follow a very strict schedule this time.  I managed to do that and went off them again only to go through withdrawl again. Following the 2nd week after withdrawl, I got mono, which I had as a kid, and believe it came on because of the withdrawl.  I was down for 8 weeks.  In January,  I found a bottle with 80 percocets in the back of my cabinet so I started taking them again, one maybe two a day.  My Dr has me on nuvigil to stay awake during the day and the bad feelings I get from that are offset by the percocets. I want to stop taking all these drugs but I dont think I can.  When I am off them, I sit at home all day, depressed, and I crawl in a shell and shut out the world.  My friends know somethings wrong.  I used to be the outgoing, happy, sociable one that everyone loved.  I want that person back......Where do I start?

[laurel453]

Yeah, we all shared feeling desperate, isolated, alone and lost at some point...I always say that i don't know of a harder life than this of being on active addiction... Recovery  implies work from our part but it is for the best , we need time and work from our part to see the results ...step by step...and now, you have taken the first steps so keep walking on this path :)

[magnummom]

Thank you,  I have this weight lifted off me just by coming here and talking.  I called my Dr because of the advice.  Finally its not a secret anymore.  I think thats what bothered me the most.  Feeling alone.  But you all feel the same thing and the stories inspire me to do the right thing, so I am taking control of my life and I will beat this addiction.  :)  

[laurel453]

welcome here :) it is good that you are getting help from your doctor. If depression has been one of the reasons you have relapsed before, i would say, treat the depression with antidepressants.. I know the pills have a uplifting effect at first but they have the opposite effect with some time so they will make the depression worse. Ask for help with it . wish you luck with the taper, it is not easy for us, addicts but you already know what to expect and how to deal with , stay here for support, ok ? :)...

[magnummom]

I am starting today to ween off the nuvigil and percocets.  1/2 of everything today and then 1/4 in a couple days.  I went for a early morning walk, and I feel great.  Just want to do everything perfect so I dont get sick.  Going to wait till noon for my first dose, then late evening.  Usually its 4 doses per day.  I know it doesnt seem like alot but I do know that I can hurt my kidneys by overdosing so I do control that, but as long as I know I can have one every 4 hours, I'm ok. I have an antinausea drug on standby and a benedryl for the opiate blocker if I need it. I can handle the physical effects of w/d but not the mental ones. I have xanex that the Dr called in for me.  I told him everything. That was the hardest thing to do but he was amazing and outlined how to do this. Didnt know that benedryl blocks the sensor in the brain that crave the opiate.  He had all the answers and he didnt judge me.  I feel better just telling someone and asking for help.  I am doing this! :)

[LeaAnn807]

I would think that a start would be getting committed to stopping the pills completely.  Can you be honest with your doctor and get him to help you?  What do you dread the most?  Is it the WD or living without them?  You just have to take a day at a time.....sometimes more like an hour at a time!  But you can do it! : )